When he looked up, I was looking into what I thought were the deepest dark green eyes I had ever seen. He was good-looking, with a strong, firm mouth, nearly perfect nose and sharply cut jaw. He pushed back some strands of his hair and looked at me as if I had said the most unusual or weird thing.
"You're excused," he said and looked at his notebook again.
"I meant, can I help you?"
"Oh." He looked up at me again, this time more intently. "You're new here, huh?"
"No. I've been here summers for the past two years."
"Summers," he said disdainfully. "I've just started coming in here this past spring, so you're new to me."
"Whatever," I said. "Are you here for anything?"
He looked around as if this was the first time he was asked and wasn't sure what the cafe was or had to offer.
"Coffee," he said. "Black. Hot."
He returned to his notebook. I glanced at Cassie, who was watching, a wry smile on her face. She shrugged at me and returned to her textbook. I went to get the boy his coffee. He didn't look up as I returned or even when I put it on his table, but just as I turned to leave him, he asked, "Are you going to college here?"
"No. I'm going to start high school here in the fall, however."
He looked back at his notebook as though I held no more interest since I wasn't a college student. "I'm going to live with my aunt and uncle, who own this cafe," I added, feeling the need to impress him with something. He looked up with real interest. "Where are your parents?"
"I don't have parents to take care of me," I replied.
He stared with his mouth slightly open. I waited another few moments, and then I went back to the counter. Mrs. Mallen had returned, and she began asking me questions about my grandparents, my school year. It was pretty obvious to me that Aunt Zipporah had told her nothing. She did express some concern about my limp.
"I don't recall your limping last summer."
"I was in an automobile accident," I said, "and had to have an operation. This is the best they could do for me."
"Oh my.--I' m so sorry. You don't seem that disabled, however," she added quickly.
"No, I don't seem so," I said.
Some new customers arrived for a late dinner, and Cassie rose to take care of them. I glanced at the boy, whom I caught looking at me periodically now. Aunt Zipporah came out from the kitchen and asked me to accompany her to the grocery store.
"They won't need us here anymore tonight, and I have things I have to get for the house."
I nodded, made out the check for the boy in the corner and went to his table.
"Do you want anything else?" I asked him. He looked up.
"Yeah. World peace," he said.
"Very funny. I have to go. You can pay this at the cash register," I said and left the check.
"Wait a minute."
"Yes."
"You always have that limp?"
"No. I was in a car accident."
He nodded, as if he had expected that answer.
What a rude person,
I thought.
Most people wouldn't be so abrupt and direct when it came to someone who had a physical disability
"Were you the driver?"
"Did you sue?"
"No," I said, smirking "The boy driving died."
"Really?"
"Yes really. Do you have enough yet for your news article?" I asked.
"Not yet, butI'll keep working on it."
"Work on your manners, too," I said and left him.
"What were you talking so much about with Duncan Winning?" my aunt asked after I took off my waitress apron and we started out of the cafe.
"He was being nosy, asking one question after another. You know him?"
"Know of him thanks to Mrs. Mallen, who knows all the local gossip and is better than the local newspaper. She says his mother is very involved with her church and pastor." She winked. "Maybe too involved, according to Mrs. Mallen."
"What happened to his father?"
"She says he ran off and left them when Duncan was ten or eleven."
"Does he attend college here?"
"No. He's still in high school. I hear he's a very bright boy, but very strange." She paused and, with a half smile, added, "Be careful, Alice. You don't need any more strange people in your life. We're enough."
I laughed, but when I looked back through the window at Duncan Winning, I saw he was looking after me.
And he was smiling.
After I helped Aunt Zipporah get the things she needed for the house, I wanted to help her put things away, but she wouldn't hear of it.
"I can take care of it, Alice. You should rest, get yourself acclimated," she told me. "I rushed you out before to get to the restaurant."
Zipporah. I don't need to get acclimated."
"No, but you've been through a lot more than
you might realize. And here you are putting down
stakes in a new world. You deserve some time to
yourself, honey. Besides, I want you to start thinking
how you would fix up the room to your liking.
Change anything you want and let me know what else
you need, lamps, pillows, anything. The room is never
used until you're here anyway. Tyler's parents are both
gone, and his sister lives in Canada, as you know." "I don't have to change anything," I said. "You'll see. You're going to be living in that
room for quite a while now," she said. "I don't want
you just to be comfortable. I want you to like where
you are," she added. It almost sounded like a warning. "Okay, Aunt Zipporah."
She paused, put her hands on her hips and
squinted at me with a half smile on her face. "You know what, Alice. I know it's a sign of
respect and everything, but you don't have to call me
Aunt Zipporah all the time. You can just call me
Zipporah. Besides, I'd like us to be friends more than
relatives, if you know what I mean."
I smiled. "Yes, I do. Thanks."
"That's nice to see, Alice."
"What is?"
"Your smile," she said. She gave me a kiss on
the cheek and I went to my room.
I finished unpacking what I had brought and
thought about what Aunt Zipporah asked me to do. I
knew that my grandmother was always itching to get
her hands on the inside of this house. Whenever we
had made a trip here and were heading home, she
would rattle off a list of things she would do, from
repainting rooms, to covering bare wood floors, as
well as changing furniture, hanging pictures and
certainly replacing the "old, tired window curtains that
droop over those windows. I'm afraid my daughter
was never much of a homebody," she told me.
"Sometimes, I think she and Tyler could live well in a
tent." My grandfather always laughed about it.
"They're ex-hippies, Elaine."
"Please, spare me."
"That's what makes for horse races," he would
say. "Everyone's different."
My grandmother would just grunt.
She was right about the windows, however. The
curtains--a sheer, faded white material that had long
lost its shape--did seem to droop rather than hang.
Years and years of sunlight had beaten them to
nothing more than yellowing rag material. My
grandmother was sure to be here soon.
Why not
impress her by fixing up this room?
I thought. And
then I realized what Aunt Zipporah was really after in
asking me to do this. She wanted to be sure I was
committed to living here and I wasn't only playing
with the idea. When my grandmother saw the
changes, she would-be convinced of my intentions as
well.
I started to make a mental list.
Besides the curtains, I thought we should put
down some area rugs. The floor had grayed and aged,
especially in the corners. I didn't feel right asking for
a full carpet, but area rugs would help. I would get something happier for bedding. The drab light brown comforter added nothing to the queen- size bed. It had a blah headboard, just a smooth piece of wood and no footboard. It needed help. The room could use more lighting. A standing lamp at least, set up near the small desk in the corner, would work, especially when
I was attending school and doing homework in here. I looked at the large and smaller dresser. On
both, the handles and the wood itself needed a good
polishing. They looked like leftovers from a thrift
shop somewhere. They probably were, I thought.
While Aunt Zipporah tended to some other things
around the house, I went down the hall to the pantry
and located the cleaning materials, a pail, and a mop,
and began working on the room. Because the curtains
did little in the way of blocking the sunlight anyhow, I
took them down and folded them. My cleaning and
polishing didn't make a dramatic difference, but at
least it made some difference.
Aunt Zipporah stopped in and looked around. "So I see you took my advice and began.
Good," she said. "What else would you do?" I rattled off my mental list, and she agreed. "All good ideas. Let's get on that in the
morning. Tyler won't need us until just before lunch. It'll be fun," she added, nodding as she looked around the bedroom. "I haven't done anything with this house for some time. As I'm sure my mother has told you
many times," she added, winking.
I laughed. There was no sense denying it. We
both knew Grandma too well.
"I'm tired, and Tyler will be home any minute.
I'm going up to do some reading. Do you need
anything else?"
"No, I'm fine, Aun . . . Zipporah."
"That's it," she said. "Welcome back, honey. I
hope it works for you. You deserve a break." "Thanks," I said. She gave me a hug and went
upstairs.
Although I had slept here so many times before,
the realization that this was to be my home for at least
a year, if not more, settled in. When I came here for
the summers, it was more like an extended weekend.
In the middle of both summers I returned to the Doral
House for my grandfather's birthday. I never felt very
far away or apart from either him or my grandmother,
but after the accident and all that aftermath and now
with my new plans unfolding, Aunt Zipporah was
right: this did feel different.
For one thing, there was nothing here that in any way attached me to or suggested my mother. Maybe my grandmother didn't understand, or maybe it was because she did understand that she was always so frightened about my wanting to be in the attic so much, but I wanted to be in there because it was there that I felt close to my mother. There I could imagine her, paint her, act as she might have acted and, in
doing all that, keep myself close to her.
Sometimes, when I returned from school and
went up to the attic, I imagined her waiting for me.
She would, as any mother would, be full of questions
about my schoolwork, my friends, my interests and
activities. I pretended she was there, because even if it
was only in my imagination, there was someone there
to listen to my complaints.
Without the attic, there was no way to pretend
here. I was really on my own finally, and that was
good. I realized that without that independence, I
would always be disabled in more than just the
physical way.
I loved both my uncle and my aunt and really
did enjoy being with them, but when I dressed for bed
and turned off the lights, even the stars I saw through
the window looked sad and alone, blinking away
tears, crying for me. There was a different kind of silence here, too. This house didn't creak as much as the Doral House, and I was downstairs, not upstairs. Any sounds my aunt and uncle made were carried off in a different direction, except, of course, for their
footsteps.
Once last summer, I woke in the middle of the
night and heard their footsteps. I had forgotten where
I was and I sat up, my heart pounding, because I
thought I was back in the Doral House hearing my
mother walking back and forth above me in the attic. I
thought I wasn't imagining it. Then I realized I was at
my uncle and aunt's home and it was the two of them
walking. I relaxed, but I'll never forget the
disappointment I felt, too.
Now I lay back on the pillow and listened with
my eyes opened, and I thought that somewhere out
there, somewhere far away, my mother was asleep or
lying in bed as I was. Perhaps her eyes were opened
too, and maybe, just maybe, she was remembering
giving birth to me and wondering what I was like
now, what I looked like, and thinking about what she
would say to me if, we ever met.
I felt sorrier for her than I did for myself. Imagine not remembering you had lost
something, someone, so precious, and then one day
realizing it.
It would come like a hard blow from out of the
blue. It had to be terribly frightening. How do you forget something so traumatic and important to you? Maybe she began to shout and they had to give
her something to keep her quiet.
And maybe that caused her to forget again, and
just like a bubble popping, I was gone, lost to that
place where everything forgotten and never retrieved
is stored somewhere so deep down in the darkness
that even God had forgotten it existed.
I shuddered and closed my eyes.
Sleep surprised me like raindrops surprised the
surface of a lake.
Tyler was always up early, even before the sun
had risen. Both summers I was here, I found he was as
good as any alarm clock, because he was not lightfooted and he had to have a cup of coffee before he
left for the cafe. Aunt Zipporah told me he does it half
out of a need to make our kitchen necessary. "He
believes things are like people. If they're not needed
or used, they fall apart faster."
The cacophony of sounds coming from the
kitchen, cups clanking, cabinet doors banging, chairs
screeching as they were glided over the floor, and the pot itself being rapped on the stove, would make anyone imagine a monkey had gotten loose in the house. Aunt Zipporah would chastise him, reminding him I was there, sleeping downstairs, and he always promised to take care next time to be quieter, but I think he was always too lost in his own thoughts to
remember that sort of promise.
I saw no reason to stay in bed anyway, so I
rose, washed and dressed before he left. He was
sitting and sipping his coffee when I entered the
kitchen. The sun had just begun to peek over the
horizon, and early rays made the world look slightly
tinted red. The sleeping birds began to stir, and I
could hear them chirping just outside the opened front
windows.
Uncle Tyler looked up, surprised.
"Hey. You're up? Oh no, I made too much
noise" "I'm glad you did," I said and poured myself a
cup of coffee.
"Mornings are the best time of day for me," he
said. "Zipporah likes to read herself to sleep and could
be up into the wee hours. Me? I hit the pillow and I'm
off. It gets her so annoyed. Sometimes, I try to stay
awake just to make her happy, but my eyelids have a
mind of their own."
I laughed and sat across from him.
"So," he said, "tell me. It was terrible for you,
the accident, all of it, right? I imagine you don't want
to relive those details."
"No, enough time's gone by." I explained about
Craig's parents and how I thought that led him to be as
reckless as he was.
"Whatever they did, they regret it now and will
for the rest of their lives," Uncle Tyler said. "That doesn't bring him hack," I said. "No. Sometimes I wonder if it all isn't just
dumb luck. When I was your age, I did some pretty
stupid things and came close. You know what they
say, There but for the grace of God go I.
He studied me a moment, then put his cup
down and ran his forefinger over the edge. I had long
ago realized that was the preamble to some deep
comment or very prodding question, so I braced
myself.
"I couldn't be more pleased about your wanting
to live with us for your senior year," he began and
then looked up aunt, "but I'd hate to think our
agreeing to it was bringing your grandparents any
pain."
"I know." "And I'd hate to think you believe this is the
total answer to everything. Those answers are inside
you, Alice. It doesn't matter where you live." I thought for a moment. He looked like he was
holding his breath. I knew he didn't want to do or say
anything that would upset Zipporah.
"I think it does in my case, Uncle Tyler. You
see, where I live back in Sandburg my mother still
lives. She haunts that village and those people. They
won't let go of it, and that puts deep shadows inside
me and prevents me from finding the answers you
mentioned."
He nodded. "Very good," he said and slapped
the table. Then he stood up. "Your uncle Tyler hereby
swears to keep his big mouth shut and his philosophical muttering to himself."
"No, don't do that," I said, laughing. "I came
here for those tidbits of wisdom."
He laughed and hugged me just as Aunt
Zipporah appeared in the kitchen doorway, still in her
nightgown, her eyes looking like they were filled with
spiderwebs.
"What is going on here? It's still the middle of
the night."
"Not quite, Zipporah. Alice and I are solving the world's problems. We thought if we could do that
before breakfast, we'd enjoy lunch."
"Did he wake you up?"
"No, I was up," I said. She tilted her head.
"Little white lie," I added. "I'm taking your advice," I
said, and she brightened a bit.
"I'm going up to shower and dress. Since you've
spoiled my night's sleep, I might as well start the
day."
"See you two later," Uncle Tyler said, starting
out.
"We're going to do a little shopping this
morning. I told you, remember?" Aunt Zipporah
called to him
"Yes, no problem. We're fine. Take all the time
you need," he said and left.
"I'll be right down," Aunt Zipporah said. "Eat
something. Don't wait for me."
She hurried back upstairs.
After she had her coffee and some natural
cereal, we set out for the department stores. Although
it was fun shopping with her, it reminded me of when
I had gone with her, my grandmother and Rachel to
get my prom dress and shoes. That memory kept me
from enjoying myself, and Aunt Zipporah was perceptive enough to see that something was
bothering me. I told her what it was and she nodded. "Alice, I didn't say anything when I went to
Mom and Dad's and saw you had gone back to
wearing these clothes and not doing anything with
your hair and your face, but I'd like to see you try
again."
I shrugged. "What difference will it make?" "I think, just as before, it will help your selfimage, but it will be good for the restaurant," she said,
half- kidding.
"You think customers will be turned off by
someone limping around and looking like I do?" I
asked, maybe a little too sharply.
She held her gaze. And then she smiled. "Tyler's not all wrong about some of the things
he believes, Alice. He always says if you're not happy
with yourself, you can't expect other people to be
happy with you, right? That's not a mean thing to tell
you, and I'm not saying we won't love and want you
no matter what you decide, but will you at least think
about it? I'd be more than happy to take you shopping