Secrets of the Tides (37 page)

Dan has just turned the conversation round to Richard’s architectural firm when Violet hurries back into the room with a tray of clinking teacups and a plate of biscuits.

‘I didn’t know whether you would want Earl Grey or English Breakfast so I made both. Shall I be mother?’ She looks around the room at them all with a beatific smile. It is impossible not to smile back. Violet’s irrepressible good nature spills out of her like the water gushing from the stone urn on the lawn.

‘Never let it be said that Violet under-caters!’ jokes Richard. ‘I’m pretty sure I have her to thank for this,’ he adds, patting at his portly waistline.

‘So,’ Violet asks as she passes around the teacups, ‘have I missed all the news?’

‘Not all of it,’ says Dan with a knowing look in Dora’s direction. She supposes this is her moment.

‘We do have some news actually,’ Dora confirms.

Richard looks up from his tea. ‘Oh yes?’

‘Yes. It’s good news.’ She has already decided to be more positive. ‘I’m pregnant.’

There is a moment of startled silence.

‘We’re going to have a baby,’ she tries again.

Dora sees her father’s hand tremble slightly as he places his cup and saucer back onto the coffee table. He swallows hard and then looks up at her. She can’t tell if it is the light playing tricks or if there are tears welling in his eyes, but they seem to shine a little too brightly behind the glass of his spectacles.

‘Well, say something then,’ she urges.

‘Darling . . .’ Richard chokes. ‘Darling, that’s . . . wonderful news. My goodness, a baby! My baby girl is going to have a baby!’

Dora laughs. ‘Yes, I suppose that’s one way of putting it!’

Violet is on her feet. She has grasped Dan’s hands in hers and is dancing a funny little jig in front of him that seems to make every ounce of spare flesh on her body jiggle with excitement.

‘Oh a baby! How wonderful. Congratulations.’ She plants another kiss on Dan’s cheek and leaves a ruby red imprint of her lipstick on his stubbly skin.

Dora turns back to her father with concern. He seems to be having trouble breathing and is fiddling with the collar of his shirt. ‘I know this is probably a bit of a shock . . .’

‘No. No, my dear, it’s not that.’ He takes a deep breath inwards, as if suddenly finding his lungs. ‘I’m sorry. It’s wonderful news, it really is. It’s just a little . . . unexpected. I thought maybe an engagement?’

‘Dad!’ exclaims Dora. ‘Don’t tell me you’re getting all conventional on me? Mum was pregnant before you got married, wasn’t she?’ She sees that it isn’t a trick of the light. ‘Oh Dad, please don’t cry. We didn’t mean to upset you. We hoped you’d be pleased.’

‘I am pleased.’ Richard removes his spectacles and dabs at his eyes with a handkerchief. ‘Really, I am. Please excuse me, I’m just being a silly old fool.’ He hugs Dora so hard that she struggles to breathe.

‘Yes you are, Richard!’ exclaims Violet vehemently. ‘A baby is wonderful news. It’s just what this family needs.’

Richard wipes his eyes again and then walks over to Dan and claps him on the back. ‘Congratulations, young man. I hope you’ll look after my daughter and my first born grandchild.’

‘Of course I will, Richard. You needn’t worry about that.’

‘No, of course not. I know you will. You’re a fine young man.’ He slaps him on the back again and then looks around awkwardly. ‘Well, I don’t know about all of you, but I think I could do with something a little stronger than tea now. This calls for a celebration, don’t you think?’

‘I’ve got just the thing in the fridge.’ Violet is up on her feet and halfway out of the door when she turns to Dan meaningfully. ‘Oh, Dan, would you mind giving me a hand out here? I’m not sure I can reach the champagne flutes.’ She nods suggestively at Dora and Richard.

‘Of course.’ Dan leaps to his feet, gives Dora an encouraging look and then follows Violet out of the room, leaving father and daughter alone.

Dora moves across and perches herself on the arm of Richard’s chair. ‘I’m sorry if this has come as a bit of a shock. I didn’t mean to take you by surprise. It’s very hard to know how to do these things . . .’ She trails off, unsure what else to say.

Richard blinks, removes his spectacles again and begins to polish them on his sleeve. ‘No, my dear, it’s I who’s sorry. I wasn’t upset because of your news. It
is
a surprise, but a wonderful surprise.’ He pauses, seeming unsure whether to continue or not. ‘I always hoped for these big family moments; weddings, babies – all the happy times you strive for in life. I suppose I had imagined them slightly differently; you know, all of us together, at Clifftops.’ He pauses again. ‘Does your mother know?’

Dora nods. It is the first time Richard has mentioned Helen in a very long time.

‘Is she pleased?’

Dora doesn’t know how to answer that question, so she just nods again, this time somewhat vaguely.

‘You know, you were right about your mother and me. We fell pregnant with Cassie by accident, not long after we first met. It’s still the best mistake I’ve ever made. I don’t regret it for a minute.’

‘When you found out . . . when you knew you were going to be a father . . .’ Dora pauses, and then continues in a rush, ‘I mean, did you know it was what you wanted, immediately? Were you both happy about it?’

Richard gives a little laugh. ‘It was a shock, of course it was. But once we’d decided to make a go of it we didn’t look back. I remember we took the train to visit her parents first and broke the news. They were horrified, of course.’ He gives a little wry laugh. ‘Then we drove down to Clifftops and told my parents.’ Richard stops abruptly. He seems lost in his thoughts.

‘That must have been awkward,’ Dora suggests.

‘Well, everyone was a little more old-fashioned in those days. But we’d already decided to marry, so the drama soon blew over.’ Richard falls silent again.

‘Our news must bring back painful memories for you? Of Mum . . . and fatherhood and . . . well, everything else?’

‘Yes, I suppose so. But this isn’t about my memories, or me now. This is about your life, Dora. And I certainly hope Violet and I were more positive than your grandparents were when we told them Helen was pregnant with Cassie!’ He gives another little laugh and then pauses to replace his glasses. ‘What’s that saying: history repeating itself?’

‘Oh!’ exclaims Dora sharply. ‘I hope not.’

Richard seems to realise his error. ‘No, of course not. I don’t mean . . . I didn’t mean, well, not Alfie. I never would have meant . . .’ he trails off. ‘Sorry, darling, I’m not very good at this, am I? I am thrilled for you, Dora. You will make a wonderful mother.’

‘Do you think so?’ Dora leaps on his words hungrily.

‘Of course. And you’re both happy?’

‘Dan is delighted. He can’t wait to become a dad. I’ve had a slightly harder time adjusting to the news . . .’ Dora admits.

‘Do you plan to marry?’

Dora sighs. ‘I honestly don’t know. It doesn’t seem that important right now. I think we’re both more focused on doing the right thing by this baby. And really, what difference does marriage make? So many don’t seem to last the distance these days . . .’ She stops, suddenly aware of what she has said.

‘Well, I can’t argue with you there.’

They sit together in silence for a moment. Somewhere outside a wood pigeon’s call drifts on the breeze. It takes Dora straight back to afternoons on the lawn at Clifftops. She closes her eyes. She can almost smell the freshly cut grass and the salt breeze blowing through the sycamore trees.

Richard clears his throat, breaking her reverie. ‘Dora, I would hate to think that mistakes your mother and I have made in the past might be making things harder for you right now. You do know that despite what’s happened between us, I still love you very, very much, don’t you?’

‘I know.’ Dora reaches out and takes her father’s hand in hers.

‘One of my biggest regrets is that your mother and I couldn’t make our marriage work. I was so in love with her. Perhaps one of the cruellest things I did, unintentionally, was try to possess her by putting a ring on her finger. But then I suppose we were just kids really, and that’s what you did in those days. But you and Dan are different. I can see that.’

‘Are we? Are we really different, Dad? Because that’s something I worry about. I know things were bad after Alfie died – really bad – but I always hoped you and Mum would make it through. It was a shock when you left,’ she admits.

‘Yes, I suppose it was, although Cassie had left us by then, and you weren’t far behind her. There seemed to be very little point us both pretending, rattling around in that great big house, both of us miserable.’

‘I can understand that,’ agrees Dora.

‘You know, after Alfie disappeared we were tortured with so many unanswered questions and grief.
So much grief
. We were shattered; too broken to heal. Whenever we did try to console one another, it only seemed to make things worse. We hadn’t just lost the ability to communicate, we’d lost the respect too; the gulf between us was just too great. We were tearing each other apart.’

Dora is surprised to hear her father speaking so openly. They’ve never had a conversation like this. She stays silent, hoping he will continue.

‘I blame myself. Your mother never wanted to move to Clifftops. I should have listened to her, but I was so selfish, so one-eyed about it all. I forgot to listen to her, to truly understand what it was she needed. The house took over. It began to consume me. I was so concerned about doing right by it. I wanted to look after it exactly how my parents had, to make it a focus, our pride and joy. But I got it so wrong. In the end it wasn’t just the roof over our heads – it became the towering wall that stood between us as well. You must have felt it too, being there with us, towards the end?’

Dora nods. She remembers what it had been like.

‘You know, it’s been a relief to be free of it. Shrugging off the responsibility of it all was very liberating.’ He looks around the living room, as if seeing his surroundings properly for the very first time. ‘Oh I know this new house isn’t what you all expect of me. Between you and me,’ he adds conspiratorially, ‘I could do without the smelly candles and the fluffy toilet seat warmer.’

Dora can’t help but smile.

‘But it’s what makes Violet happy, and seeing her happy brings me pleasure now, in a way I hadn’t thought possible after Alfie.’

‘We all still miss him so much, don’t we? Even after all this time.’

‘Yes,’ agrees Richard.

Dora takes a deep breath. ‘There’s something I have to ask you, Dad. I need you to be honest.’

‘Of course, poppet.’ His clear blue eyes stare straight back at her.

‘Do you blame me, Dad? You know, for what happened that day?’

Richard looks at her. He blinks and then shakes his head vigorously. ‘Oh my dear girl, you don’t honestly think it was
your
fault, do you?’

Dora doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t want to influence whatever he is going to say next.

‘Dora, it was an accident; a terrible, tragic accident. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. God knows, I’ve tried to place the blame over the years . . . on myself . . . on your mother . . . even, God forgive me, for one wild moment on Cassie, her being the eldest of you girls. I hated myself for that.’ He stares her in the eye. ‘But never you; I never blamed you.’

Dora shakes her head. ‘I don’t understand. It was as much my fault as Cassie’s. Alfie must have followed me out of the Crag that day. I never saw him. I should have been more careful. I should have returned sooner.’

‘No! The blame never lay with either of you girls. You were both just kids. Besides,’ he adds quietly, ‘I’ve learnt over the years that it’s no good looking for someone to blame. It’s not going to bring him back, is it?’

She shakes her head. It’s obvious there’s still something he won’t share, something he still won’t tell her, but she doesn’t push and Richard remains silent. Eventually he looks up at her. ‘There’s more, isn’t there?’

She shrugs. ‘I’m feeling a bit lost, to be honest. I’m scared that Dan and I might not make it. And perhaps more than that, I’m scared of losing him – him or the baby. I don’t believe I deserve this happiness in my life and I honestly can’t go through it all again.’

Richard nods. ‘I understand. I didn’t believe I deserved happiness either, not after Alfie. The few times I found myself smiling, enjoying a meal, sharing a laugh with someone, it always left me wracked with guilt. But then Violet and I grew close. It was after I’d left your mother . . . a good while after. We bumped into each other in London. I’d just finished work and she was up in town on some mammoth shopping spree.’ He gives a low chuckle. ‘I remember it was in the food hall in Selfridges. I couldn’t see who it was at first. She called out to me by the oyster bar and all I could see were these bright red shoes poking out from beneath a mountain of bags.’

Dora smiles. That sounds about right.

‘We had a glass of wine . . . spent an hour or so chatting and I only realised as we were saying goodbye that I had smiled more in that one hour than in the whole time following Alfie combined.’ He pauses for a moment. ‘I’m afraid there are no guarantees in life. It pains me to say it, but I can’t promise you that life won’t bring suffering your way again. But answer me this, Dora: what do we do, stop living, stop trying, because we’re afraid of getting hurt? Yes, life doesn’t always turn out how we think it’s going to. Yes, it can hurt us – almost destroy us, but I know now that we can heal too. We can get stronger. We can find happiness from the most unexpected of places . . . with the most unexpected of people.’

Dora swallows and both father and daughter remain still for a moment, both obviously struggling with their emotions.

‘It was Violet who helped me take a chance again,’ he says eventually. ‘She has been my saviour. She’s such a warm, jolly soul. She doesn’t let me take myself too seriously. And perhaps, most importantly, I’ve really learnt from my mistakes. I listen to her. I respect her. I love her passion for her work . . . her desire to enjoy the best in life . . . her ability to see the best in people. I’ve even learned to appreciate her love of towering high heels, no matter how many times she steps on my toes! I know how lucky I am to have a second chance. Perhaps Dan and this baby is your chance now, Dora?’