Secrets of the Wee Free Men and Discworld (22 page)

Read Secrets of the Wee Free Men and Discworld Online

Authors: Linda Washington

In the Real World
M
aybe by now you're wondering just as we are what would happen if the Discworld characters were suddenly sucked into the vortex of reality/game show TV in our world (with Terry Pratchett's approval, of course)? Which characters would last on
Survivor
or
Survivorman
?
Amazing Race
?
American Idol
?
Project Runway
?
The Bachelor
?
The Apprentice
?
Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader
? DIY shows like the ones you see on HGTV or TLC? Based on the books of the Discworld series, we can only guess.
First, the contestants …
You already know about
Survivor
—the CBS show that drops ordinary people like us on remote locations and leaves them to … survive. And you probably watch
Survivorman
—the Science Channel's ultimate Robinson Crusoe experience with its one-guy-no-cameracrew approach—too.
Due to their against-all-odds survival on Fourecks (or XXXX if you prefer) in
The Last Continent,
Mustrum Ridcully, the profs of Unseen University (the Dean, the Senior Wrangler, the Lecturer in Recent Runes, etc.) and their refined housekeeper, Mrs. Whitlow, would make a formidable team on
Survivor
. We'll call them Team UU, since we don't know the Survivor site (we don't make those up) and can't think of a clever tribal name to go with an island location we don't know. The wizards have the benefit of magic. Mrs. Whitlow … has the benefit of being Mrs. Whitlow. Unfortunately, the wizards tend to argue, so we would expect any alliances to end by the second week. As the weeks progress, we expect Team UU to whittle down to Ridcully and Mrs. Whitlow for sure, due to Ridcully's tenacious grasp on life. And since Ridcully is a gentleman and a little afraid of Mrs. Whitlow, we expect Mrs. Whitlow to be the lone survivor of that team.
Meanwhile, Rincewind and the Luggage (Team Coward) would make powerful allies. And since the Luggage, that sapient pearwood box of menace, could swallow the other contestants one by one, they would be unstoppable! Yeah! But Rincewind has a tendency to leave the Luggage behind. So, there goes that alliance before it even gets off the ground.
Vimes and Colon (Blue Team) would make an excellent team due to their ability to survive murderous werewolves and golems in
The Fifth Elephant
and
Feet of Clay,
respectively. But since both are family men, expect neither to show up at the
Survivor
drop site—not if Sybil Vimes and Colon's wife have anything to say on the subject.
The team to beat is Rincewind, Conina, and Nijel (Team Wunderkind), based on their team-up in
Sourcery,
in which they survive the mage war. With a deadly weapon like Conina, the daughter of Cohen the Barbarian, there's no way they could lose, unless the Luggage is involved and it's ticked off by someone. But since Conina and Nijel don't enter the Dungeon Dimension and
Rincewind does, we wouldn't expect them to out-survive Rincewind.
Of course, the nature of a TV show like
Survivor
means that only one person can survive. That means we're down to Mrs. Whitlow and Rincewind for the final match. Since Rincewind has survived everything that Pratchett has thrown at him, well, he's the evident favorite, one who would out-survive even Mrs. Whitlow.
Because of his involuntary survival skills, we could see Rincewind acing
Survivorman
as well. Again, we're not drunk. Rincewind could give Les Stroud a run for his money. Because he makes the trip to Fourecks as well as survive in the Dungeon Dimension and other extremely hostile environments, we would back Rincewind to win, hands down. Of course, in a hand-to-hand combat, Les Stroud could beat Rincewind easily. So could Greebo, Nanny Ogg's villainous cat. But Rincewind is the original Survivorman.
A Race Against Time
The Amazing Race
pits team after team on a race across designated locations around the world, with embarrassing side games thrown in involving plowing, pulling, or carrying large or slippery objects for our viewing pleasure. We don't have to tell you who would be an incredible match-up for that show. Okay, you convinced us. We'll tell. Our dream teams: Rincewind, Two-flower, and the Luggage (team 1); Granny, Nanny, and Magrat (team 2); and Nobby Nobbs, Sergeant Colon, Lord Vetinari, and Leonard of Quirm (team 3).
Since Twoflower has an amazing ability to find danger everywhere as we learn in
The Color of Magic, The Light Fantastic,
and
Interesting Times,
this would be a race not only against time but for survival as well. But we can almost predict that his team would be locked in a Turkish prison somewhere and would be eliminated within the first twenty-four hours.
Leonard of Quirm, Nobby, Colon, and Lord Vetinari travel to Al Khali, a city in Klatch, in Leonard's Going-Under-the-Water-Safely Device, otherwise known as a submarine (
Jingo
). Because they play nicely together in that city, they would make a great team. But since Nobby and Colon usually try to avoid dangerous travel, we would expect their team to be eliminated early on, especially since Vetinari is too busy running Ankh-Morpork and Leonard is virtually a prisoner.
Because Granny, Nanny, and Magrat are able to successfully turn back time in
Wyrd Sisters,
we would expect them to win this game easily. Plus, they've got those handy broomsticks to travel on.
Fit for Fashion?
Bravo's
Project Runway
provides a would-be fashion designer a chance to hit the big time. Although we're not 100 percent positive, we wonder if someone like Magrat Garlick, who is known for her interesting fashion sense, would be a good contestant. Although Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg routinely mock her outfits, Magrat still soldiers on.
For their work in dressing Magrat in
Witches Abroad,
we also would nominate Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax as contestants. After all, they have magic at their disposal, although Granny probably wouldn't use it. And Granny's got that withering stare that's just perfect for sessions with haughty judges. But since neither really cares deeply about fashion, well, we would expect a few stern lectures from the industry judges on fashion à la that of Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) to Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) in the 2006 film
The Devil Wears Prada
.
We'd also nominate the fifth-level wizard Spelter in
Sourcery,
who rigs up a fake archchancellor hat with lace and Ankhstones for Coin. Quite fetching.
A Star Is Born
We would kill to see someone like Agnes Nitt, Nanny Ogg, Sybil Vimes, or any of the Nac Mac Feegles on
American Idol
. Agnes sings arias in
Maskerade
and has an amazing voice. But is she the pop star that everyone is looking for? Probably not, as
Maskerade
proves when Christine is chosen for the “visible” lead in the operas, instead of Agnes. Well, Agnes could still sing the songs while the other contestants lip-synched.
Nanny Ogg, who is fond of songs like “The Hedgehog Song,” would be a favorite because of her cheerful personality. But she'd get voted off within minutes by Simon, Randy, and Paula. Ditto Sybil. She can sing “The Ransom Song” from the opera
Bloodaxe and Ironhammer
(
The Fifth Elephant
). But does that have a beat America wants to dance to? More than likely, no.
The Feegles would provide many moments of entertainment early on, being fond of singing while inebriated. But we're fairly certain that, at the last moment, Christine would make an appearance and place far higher than anyone else in Discworld, even if she's not listed as a contestant.
An Apt Apprentice
Since the witches of Discworld have the apprentice thing down pat, getting on a show like
The Apprentice
is a natural segue. And since most of the witches are industrious, they might stick around for a while. However, in the category of “plays nicely with others” (okay, there is no category on the show like that; we would call this “being a team player”), many of the witches would not pass muster since they barely tolerate each other. Still, with magic at their disposal (if magic traveled through the vortex as well), no one would dare tell any of them, “You're fired!”
Instead of Donald Trump, Martha Stewart, or any other celebrity boss, who is better than Granny Weatherwax to take over the reins? In
Wintersmith,
Granny Weatherwax is the one consulted when the question of who will get Miss Treason's cottage arises. And since Granny Weatherwax is the unofficial witch in charge, if she were a contestant on
The Apprentice,
she would run the show in no time flat, anyway.
Equally Eligible
Who but Carrot Ironfoundersson would interest an audience (well, a female audience) on a show like
The Bachelor
? Some of the female officers of the Watch (Angua and Sally) would agree. And maybe William de Worde or Moist von Lipwig (
Going Postal
) could generate some interest. But perhaps Sacharissa Cripslock and Adora Belle Dearheart would object. (Carrot would probably object to being on such a show as well.)
We're pretty sure who
wouldn't
make the contestant cut. None of the wizards of Unseen University have the interest to be on this type of show, unless it was
The Bachelorette
and Mrs. Whitlow was the star. And as far as the other watchmen are concerned (Nobby, Detritus, etc.), well, there's always next year … .
As for bachelorette shows like
The Bachelorette
or
I Love New York
(insert your own nickname equivalent for the Ankh-Morpork bachelorette of your choice), we suspect guys would choose such characters as Sally, Angua, Conina, Adora Belle, Sacharissa, Sally, Tawneee (Nobby's girlfriend in
Thud!
), and others for reasons known only to them.
Smarter than the Average Kid?
The Jeff Foxworthy-hosted
Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?
boasts questions taken from first to fifth grade textbooks and makes
fools out of adults. Seeing as how the average fifth grader has to have a breadth of knowledge that many Ph.D. candidates might have had a hundred years ago, we can only suspect that a Renaissance man like Leonard of Quirm or Ponder Stibbons, the smartest of the Unseen University profs, would survive only a few questions before being embarrassed by the average kid.
A friend of ours who recently received a doctorate claimed that she didn't know some of the answers to the questions asked on one show. See what we mean?
Denizens of DIY
If you have a hankering for Home Depot, you probably are a DIYer and hit HGTV or TLC pretty heavily. These channels are rife with DIY shows where homeowners watch in horror or stupefied resignation as designers “improve” their homes. (Okay, not all DIY shows are like this.) See, these shows are perfect for Leonard of Quirm, Bloody Stupid Johnson, or Coin, the young sourcerer of
Sourcery
. Coin's ability to create things is unparalleled. Remember how he shows the other wizards the Garden of Maligree, the last sourcerer? And remember his redecorating scheme for Unseen University? (Knock down walls. Change the ceilings and flooring. Give the building a new glass and marble look. Get rid of the library.) A decorating scheme that bold and controversial is “good TV,” especially if you are a fan of certain designers on
Trading Spaces.
That's why Bloody Stupid Johnson, with his amazing flair for getting things wrong, would be the DIY king of any network, if he were actually “alive” in Discworld and not just a series of posthumous anecdotes.
As for Leonard, well, no door would be closed to a man of his talents. Not only could he redecorate, he could provide his own artwork as well.
 
 
Unlike this book, the Discworld series shows no sign of ending. After writing this book, we bought the second book involving Moist von Lipwig,
Making Money
, and are reading it, hence the lack of information about it in this book. There is a rumor of another Tiffany Aching book (not sure when that will be released). How many more Discworld books will the prolific Mr. Pratchett write? Will there be another Rincewind, City Watch, or Lancre witch book? We hope so! When you've got a jones for Discworld, there's no such thing as too many books.
Carrie Pyykkonen and Linda Washington
 
Inside “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”:
Myths, Mysteries, and Magic from the Chronicles of Narnia
(with James Stuart Bell)
 
 
This bibliography is by no means exhaustive. For authors like Terry Brooks, Robert Jordan, Arthur Conan Doyle, Neil Gaiman, Jasper Fforde, Jim Butcher, Ursula LeGuin, Raymond Feist, Terry Goodkind, Mercedes Lackey, George MacDonald, C. S. Lewis, Christopher Paolini, Charles Dickens, William Shakespeare, Tad Williams, Juliet Marillier, Anne McCaffrey, and Ngaio Marsh, who have multiple books to their credit or books in their series not printed as of the publication of this book, we chose to list only one to three titles in a particular series. After all, we had to save room for Terry Pratchett's books!
 
BOOKS
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Asbjørnsen, Peter Christen, and Jørgen Moe.
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———.
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Collins, Wilkie.
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———.
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Crossley-Holland, Kevin.
The Norse Myths.
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Dickens, Charles.
Bleak House
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Doyle, Arthur Conan.
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Feist, Raymond.
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———.
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Fforde, Jasper.
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Fitzgerald, Percy.
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Hoffmann, Heinrich.
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Homer.
The Iliad.
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———.
The Odyssey.
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Huygen, Wil, and illustrated by Rien Poortvliet.
Gnomes
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Jordan, Robert.
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book 1 of the Wheel of Time series. New York: Tor/Tom Doherty Associates, 1990.
Kalindjian, Claudia, and the editors at DC Comics.
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Kemp, Martin.
Leonardo.
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Lackey, Mercedes.
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———, and James Mallory.
The Outstretched Shadow,
book 1 of The Obsidian Trilogy. New York: Tor/Tom Doherty Associates, 2003.
———, and James Mallory.
To Light a Candle,
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———, and James Mallory.
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Lang, Andrew, ed.
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Leavitt, Martine.
Keturah and Lord Death.
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LeGuin, Ursula.
A Wizard of Earthsea
. Berkeley, CA: Parnassus Press, 1968.
———.
The Farthest Shore
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Lewis, C. S.
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
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———.
The Screwtape Letters.
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Lloyd Webber, Andrew.
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MacDonald, George.
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———.
The Princess and the Goblin.
Mahwah, NJ: Watermill Press edition, 1985.
Machiavelli, Niccolò.
The Prince.
Translated by W. K. Marriott. New York: Dutton /Everyman's Library edition, 1958.
Mair, A. W.
Hesiod: The Poems and Fragments.
Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1908. Please note that this file was downloaded from
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.
Marillier, Juliet.
The Dark Mirror.
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———.
Wildwood Dancing.
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Marsh, Ngaio.
Death in a White Tie
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McCaffrey, Anne.
Dragonsdawn.
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McCready, Stuart, ed.
The Discovery of Time
. Naperville, IL: Source Books, Inc., 2001.
McKinley, Robin.
The Door in the Hedge.
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———.
Spindle's End.
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———.
Sunshine.
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Melling, O. R.
The Hunter's Moon,
book 1 of The Chronicles of Faerie. New York: Amulet Books, 2005.
Meyer, Stephenie.
Twilight
(book 1). New York: Little, Brown and Co., 2005.
———.
New Moon
(book 2). New York: Little, Brown, 2006.
Morrissey, Jake.
The Genius in the Design: Bernini, Borromini, and the Rivalry That Transformed Rome
. New York: William Morrow, 2005.
Niven, Larry.
Ringworld
. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1970.
Orchard, Andy.
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. London: Cassell, 1997.
Page, Michael, and Robert Ingpen.
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. New York: Viking-Penguin, 1985.
Paolini, Christopher.
Eldest
. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2005.
———.
Eragon
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Pavlík, Milan. Introduction in
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Peat, F. David.
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Perry, George.
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Pratchett, Terry. “Cult Classic” essay in
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edited by Karen Haber. New York: St. Martin's Press, 2001.
———.
Truckers,
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The books of
Discworld
in series in order of publication in the United States:
———.
The Color of Magic
. New York: HarperTorch, 1983.
———.
The Light Fantastic
. New York: HarperTorch, 1986.
———.
Equal Rites
. New York: HarperTorch, 1987.
———.
Mort
. New York: HarperTorch, 1987.
———.
Sourcery
. New York: HarperTorch, 1988.
———.
Wyrd Sisters
. New York: HarperTorch, 1988.
———.
Pyramids
. New York: HarperTorch, 1989.
———.
Guards! Guards!
New York: HarperTorch, 1989.
———.
Eric
. New York: HarperTorch, 1990.
———.
Moving Pictures
. New York: HarperTorch, 1990.
———.
Reaper Man
. New York: HarperTorch, 1991.
———.
Witches Abroad
. New York: HarperTorch, 1991.
———.
Small Gods
. New York: HarperTorch, 1992.
———.
Lords and Ladies
. New York: HarperTorch, 1992.
———.
Men at Arms
. New York: HarperTorch, 1993.
———.
Interesting Times
. New York: HarperPrism, 1994.
———.
Soul Music
. New York: HarperPrism, 1995.
———.
Maskerade
. New York: HarperTorch, 1995.
———.
Hogfather
. New York: HarperTorch, 1996.
———.
Feet of Clay
. New York: HarperTorch, 1996.
———.
Jingo
. New York: HarperTorch, 1997.
———.
The Last Continent
. New York: HarperTorch, 1998.
———.
Carpe Jugulum
. New York: HarperTorch, 1998.
———.
The Fifth Elephant
. New York: HarperTorch, 2000.
———.
The Truth
. New York: HarperTorch, 2000.
———.
Thief of Time
. New York: HarperTorch, 2001.
———.
The Last Hero
. Illustrated by Paul Kidby. New York: HarperCollins, 2001.
———.
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents
. New York: HarperTrophy, 2001.
———.
Night Watch
. New York: HarperTorch, 2002.

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