SECRETS Vol. 4 (4 page)

CHAPTER 7

My heart crawls
up my throat and into my m
outh. Every hair on my body stan
d
s on end and I shiver. It’
s like seeing a ghost. He was mine, and now he’s not. Cole doesn’t move, he doesn’t say anything. He just
sits there in his silk shirt and
watches me from across the bar. An unbidden memory flashes behind my eyes of another time Cole
watched me, and my cheeks flame
red.

Eyes locked with Cole
, I clear
my throat and tap
at
my empty glass. The bartender i
s an older guy,
Charlie. His
hair
is
graying at his temples
, dark eyes, and
he’s
really nice. Charlie
pours, and steps in front of me, blocking Cole. I look up at him. “Anna,
” Charlie says in a whisper,
“
someone’s going
to have to scrape you off the floor if you drink that. You want me to call someone?”

I shak
e my head, but the room tilts. I think about something he said before about my weight and it finally make sense. I smile.
“Lightweight, ah
,
that’s
what you said.
” I take the glass from him.
My body is warm and tingly. For once, I don’t have the throbbing sense of loss in the center of my chest.

Charlie
looks at me and shakes his head like I disappoint him. “Let me know when you want to leave and I’ll call you a cab.”

I nod and regret it. The room
appears to shift
again.
It tilts higher, like a boat stuck at the top of a wave, and then settles back to where it should be.
When the room is no longer moving, i
t takes me longer to focus on Cole, but I do.
He has stubble on his cheeks. It makes him look older than he is. There’s a drink in his hand, probably scotch.
His dark hair hangs over his eyes, making them seem bluer. Torment lines his face,
like he hasn’t slept in weeks. Col
e watches me, his eyes never drifting from mine.

I hold the drink longer than I intend, but I want to be able to walk home. Right now, with the way the bar seems to be swaying beneath me, that won’
t be possible.
I giggle to myself. I love boat rides. That’s what this feels like, a boat ride. The waves roll up and down, gently swaying me
,
or the room, or both. I don’t really care.
My mind snaps back to Cole and the momentary happy thought is blasted to bits.

I roll the rim of the glass between my thumb and forefinger, watching
Cole
. Neither of us speaks. Words pile in my mouth of things I want to say, but I know I’ll never have the chance. It makes me feel hollow and brittle. In all my life, a single man has never had such an effect on me. I
feel broken without
Cole
, like a piece of me snapped off and will never return.

I wonder if I’m like Jesse, if Cole admires me,
but that’s all. The look on Cole’s
face says something else, but I don’t know what. I lean forward on the bar, stretching my arms out to help hold me up. It forces my cleavage up
, pressing hard against my neckline
. I lift the glass and put it to my lips. Cole’s eyes track the movement, and his lips part like he wants to say something.
Our
eyes lock and for some reason it feels
like he’s telling me not to drink it, to put the glass down. We stare at each other for a few moments and then
I toss b
ack the shot. It
do
esn’t even
burn this time. I place the glass on the bar top and look at it.
It’s very pretty, all short and thick. The light shines through the clear glass, making an illuminated star on the bar top.
I
gaze at it and all the pretty points
,
and w
hen I
lift
my
head
, Cole is gone.

Anguish rushes into my chest, crushing me. I can’t do this. I can’t see him and not react. My arms slip down and I rest my head on the bar.

A second later I feel a hand on my back, and Cole’s voice is in my ear, “Come on, Anna. I’ll take you home.” He slaps down some cash and it sounds way too loud.

It tak
es me a second to realize that Col
e’s trying to get me to stand up. The bartender and the bouncer both look at me
like they’re concerned, but neither of them says anything. Cole pushes us through the door and I’m hit with a gust of cool air. It makes me shiver. I wrap my arms around myself and look down.
Sparklie
yellow sneakers are on my feet. I love them!
We
stop walking so
I
can
wiggle my toes and watch them glitter.

Cole’s warm hand wraps around my arm, “What is it with you and those shoes?” He pulls me gently, encouraging me to walk. I look up
,
surprised to see him.

“I saw you in the bar,” I say
,
smiling at his beautiful face. We stop walking and I speak to his chest, not looking at his
eyes
.
My fingers lift and fuss with his collar.
“I never thought I’d see you again, and there you are.” I blink and look up at him like he’s not really here.
Narrowing my eyes, I try to focus harder, expecting him to vanish when I do so. When he’s still there, I lift m
y finger
and press
it hard to
his chest. “You are he
re.
”
I want to cry.
I want to weep. I want to giggle. My emotions are short circuiting and I have no idea what to do.

Col
e takes my hand as my finger presses to his chest again. “I’m here. I
admit, I came looking for you and lost my nerve. I didn’t expect you to walk in and get plastered.”
He’s looking at me with those sexy eyes and I feel paralyzed.

I know I need to say something.
“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Neither could I.” He looks at me with such a humble expression on his face. Cole looks lost, his eyes drink me in
,
a
s
his hands linge
r close to my face like he wants to touch me, but he d
o
es
n’t. My gaze drops to my feet. I stare at the dirty side
walk
and my bright yellow sneakers.

Col
e lifts my chin with his finger. I gaze into his eyes, unable to look away. “I wish things c
ould have been different.” That’
s all he says. It’s the same thought that slams around inside my skull all day long. A thousand
what ifs
keep me awake, pillaging my peace
,
and making me into a freaking lunatic.

“Me, too,” I manage. After a moment, Cole takes my arm again
to steady me,
and we walk back toward my apartment.

The night air fills my lungs, but I can’t feel it. I can’t fee
l anything;
not Cole’s hand on my arm, not the chill in the air, not the humidity that curls my hair tighter
and sticks to my skin
. Numbness
races
through my veins. It was the only way to ge
t through the day, and now it’
s the only way to tolerate having Cole so close and knowing
that
he doesn’t want me.

We get to my door and Col
e helps me up the steps. I fish through my purse looking for the key. When I lift it out, I see Cole’s blue gaze and freeze. I want things to change, but I don’t know how to change them. My heart beats harder
,
as his gaze drifts to my lips. I want him to kiss me. I want him to take me in his arms and cover me in kisses. I want him to tell me that he
believes me
and he’
ll never doubt me again. I want this rift between us to mend, but I don’t know how to fix it.

Cole draws
closer, like he can’t manage to stand so
near
to me and
not touch me
. Before I know it, his lips are
a
breath from mine. His eyelashes brush my cheek as he stays there, nearly kissing me, but not. My pulse pounds in my ears. I want to reach up and take his face in my hands. I want to tell him
that
I love him. My body reacts to Cole, to that hot gaze, and the spot between my legs throbs. My breasts feel full, like they need to be touched. I barely breathe as Cole’s lips stay there
, like he’s fighting the urge to kiss me
.

Finally, Col
e takes a breath and shudders. He pulls away, and I feel part of me ripped away with him. A shiver trails down my spine and
drops into the coldness that pooled
in my stomach. I can’t stand it.
Regret turns to tears, but I blink them away. I turn and push the key into the lock. The door won’t open. I bang it with my fist, and start to cry. Cole reaches for the lock and twists the knob. The door opens and I walk through, without looking back at the man who broke my heart.

CHAPTER
8

Sunlight pours between the slats and blinds me. I roll over and pull my blanket over my head. Everything
is
so damn loud. The crinkling blankets sound like
snapping
boards. I groan and lay on my side, curled into a ball. Cole’s eyes flash across my mind. Random words he said echo through my head. The sensation of his hand on my arm, how warm and strong it felt. These things
flicker in my mind
and are gone
before I can blink
. They
don’t connect to other thoughts. T
hey just drift, floating on a current of regret that insists on
bubbling
up my throat.

Emma’s voice is soft,
as she speaks from the other side of the door.
“Anna, are you alright?” She pushes the door open slowly
,
without knocking. I vaguely remember walking past her and Edward last
night on the way to puking up my guts in the bathroom. “It’s past noon.”

Bleary eyed, I turn over and lay flat on my back, but my stomach is still queasy and protests. I push myself up on my elbows and look at her. My voice is scratchy, “I want to say that I’m fine and smile at you, but I just don’t have it in me to fake
it
right now. I’m not fine. I’ll never be fine.” I breathe and feel the air fill my lungs. The words have been lodged in my mind for too long. It
’s something I kno
w, but didn’t have the heart to say.

Emma walks toward me slowly and sits on the edge of my bed. She pats my leg, saying, “It’ll be better. Give it time.”

“That’s what people say when they don’t know what else to do.” I pull my legs into my chest and clutch my ankles under a wad of blankets.
My head hurts.
Emma
watches me with pity in her eyes.
Finally, I say,
“I saw him last night.”

“Who?
Jesse?” Her pretty face
looks confused
as she tries to figure out what I mean.

I don’t shake my head. It’ll hurt too much. Dejected, I stare at my bedspread and say, “Cole. I was well on my way to being totally plastered
when
I look
ed up and saw him. He
sat
there
,
watching me.” I find my voice doesn’t want to work. It’s the closest I’ve been to Cole in nearly a month.

“Oh, Anna.
I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” She scoots up next to me and puts her arm across my back
and gives me a sideways hug
.

“How do I get over him?” I ask
,
looking at her. Emma’s been my best friend
for years
. She’s been there through
labs and finals, but this is the first time I’ve had to
deal with heartbreak. I wish it would just stop.

“I don’t know, Anna. I’ve never been that into a guy. I’m actually a little jealous about that.”

“What?” I
say, and
glance at her
, stunned
.
Emma always has a guy hanging around her. She seems crazy about most of them. Her answer surprises me.

She shrugs, “I might turn a lot of heads, but I still haven’t found anyone that comes anywh
ere close to getting my heart, but y
ou have.
It makes me a little envious.
”
She winks at me.

“My advice would be to keep doing what you’re doing, because this part sucks.” I rest my forehead on my knees.

Emma
puts her hand on the back of my head. “So, this part isn’t worth the other part?” I glance at her from under my arm. “I mean this is the down side. Every coin has
two sides and the other side had you reeling. I mean, is the bad so bad that you’d
toss
the good
,
too?”

I want to say no, but right now I can’t say anything. “I have to get over him.”

“Anna, what if that isn’t the way this works?”

“What do you mean?” T
hat was like the worst thing she could have said.

“I mean, what if you don’t get over him? What if you just learn how to get on without him? People who’ve been in love have that haunted
look
in their eyes. It’s like a piece of them is unattainable, forever held back and protected at all cost.”

“Like Cole’s eyes.”

She nods. “I don’t know my ass from my elbow on this stuff, but maybe he’ll always be a part of you. Maybe you don’t get over him, you just learn to get on without him.”

Silence fills the air. I agree with her. I need to move on. “You think I should be going out with Jesse?”

Emma pulls her knees to her chest and mirrors the way I sit.
“Maybe, that’s up to you. But I don’t think that you’ll get back to your life until you make some changes. If nothing changes, everything stays the same, right?” It was what the professor in our philosophy class said. “If you do what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always gotten. If y
ou want something different, then ma
ke something different.”

I understand now. I just don’t know if I have the guts to do it. Being a workaholic sounds more appealing
,
but the nights are so
unbearable
. I feel the shift, the change within me. I accept what I have to do, and
I’m
lucky that there’s already a great guy there who wants me.