See Through Me (Lose My Senses) (21 page)

Beyond the concrete barriers, darkness cloaked rolling fields of corn. I didn
’t bother to turn on the stereo to mask the uneasy silence. If Trevor was stalking me under the direction of Ash’s mother, I could thwart their plan by leaving. The random photos would probably stop showing up if I left. I’d avoid my father and his drama. But what if it was all connected somehow? I tapped my fingers on the gear shift in time with my heartbeat. I had to think this through, had to make the right choice this time, even if I didn’t know what it was.

Halfway home, I passed an exit sign for a country road that led nowhere and got on the off ramp. I was tired of running away when things got too difficult. It didn
’t solve anything. The same problems continued to exist. They hadn’t changed into solutions in my absence.

Ash sat up straight.
“What are you doing?”

“
We need to talk.” The irony that I was the one demanding this wasn’t lost on me.

“
There’s nothing to talk about,” he said in a damn flat tone.

I drove down the country road. Around a blind turn, a burned-out farmhouse sat in a rolling meadow I
’d discovered on one of my solitary rambling drives a few years ago. I pulled into the trace of the gravel driveway and slowly made my way behind the house and out of view of the road. Half of the old home had collapsed into fire-stained debris. A sandstone chimney stood tall against the ascending moon.

I turned off the engine and unbuckled my seatbelt, taking my time and refraining from looking over to Ash. Now that I had him alone, I wasn
’t exactly sure what I was going to say. I touched the scars again.

I twisted around in my seat and went with the most truthful thing I could think of.
“I don’t know what to do.”

“
I know what you should do.” He stared straight ahead, holding himself still and taut. “You should leave.”

His mouth compressed into a white line, then he trained his face into that damn withdrawn expression. Okay, this wasn
’t going well. One moment he was thrilled over my admission that I wanted to stay, the next he practically ordered me to leave him alone.

“
You sound like you want me to go.” I touched each indentation on the steering wheel in clockwise order, trying not to rub my wrist. Trying not to think about the scars on my wrist. “And I’m trying to tell you I don’t want to leave you again. Not if I don’t have to.”

“
What’s the point?” he said harshly. “You’re never going to trust me now.”

“
You seriously think I don’t trust you?” I dropped my forehead onto my hands, clutching the wheel. I didn’t know how to make it any clearer than I already had. He’d never given me a reason not to trust him, unlike me. He shouldn’t believe a word out of my lying mouth. I raised my head and tried to sound calmer than I actually felt.

“
We’re out in the middle of nowhere. No one knows where we are. No one can see or hear us. And you’re incredibly angry.” My voice rose higher. “This is me, trusting you. Right now. I’ve always trusted you.”

“
You shouldn’t trust me when I lose control.” He flung open the door. “I saw how you looked at me after I attacked Trevor.”

How had I looked at him? Panic-stricken that he was going to get hurt? Frightened when he did get hurt? Because that
’s how I remembered feeling.

“
What—” I began, but he jumped out of the car. With a rigid back, he marched away until he was in the middle of the meadow and then dropped down into the grass.

I got out of the car and followed after him. My footsteps swished in the soft, long grass. Fireflies flickered in the dark. It would
’ve been a magical place to spend a night stargazing, if we weren’t on the verge of shattering apart. I walked around to face him.

“
You asked me about my hand. What do you want to know?” he said fiercely. “Do you want to know that the other night, I saw the look on your face when that guy grabbed your wrist. I saw how scared you were, and how you hid it, because that’s what you do. You hide. And I wanted to make him just as scared, even if it was just for a second.”

He was right, I did hide. And he was the only person who could see through most of my tricks. I lowered myself to sit on the ground.

His face hardened in the light of the rising moon. “Do you want to know what it felt like when I went upstairs, and I busted open his face? The rush I got every time my hand ached afterward? I liked hurting him. Because he hurt you first, and I didn’t let him get away with it.”

Automatically, my back stiffened.
“I can handle—”

“
I swore I would protect you, and I will,” he snarled. “But at the park, do you really want to know what I saw? When they pulled me off of Trevor, you had that same look of fear on your face. Except
this
time you were scared of me!”

“
You think I’m afraid of you?” I said, incredulous. “I was afraid
for
you. You were bleeding.”

He touched the cut above his eyebrow.
“Are you sure? Because you already don’t trust me.”

We were right back to trust again.
“I trust you!”

“
That’s bullshit!” With a fist, he tore out a chunk of grass and threw it in the air. There was a desperate edge to his anger. “If you trusted me—”

“
I’d stay! Which is what I want to do!”

“
You’d tell me why you left!” he said. “You can’t bring yourself to tell me why. I know I’m being fucking impatient, but admit it. You don’t trust me enough to let me know why you ran in the first place.”

I was paralyzed by his words. Oh, God. I was so selfish. I spent more time worrying about him not believing me, not trusting me. I didn
’t consider how he would feel at all. I thought I was protecting him from getting too close to me again, but all I did was hurt him again. I looked at my hands, clasped tightly on my lap, to the scars camouflaged under the colors of the tattoo. I didn’t deserve his trust, but he deserved the truth.

I took an unsteady breath and raised my eyes.
“You’re not the only one who made a vow to protect someone, no matter the cost.”

And finally, that summer when I was eighteen, I learned the past can come back to haunt you. Even when it’s not your own past…

“
If one of us doesn’t get out soon, we’re never going to pick up that pizza.” Warm water cascaded over my shoulder as I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair. Suds dotted Ash’s body and I popped a glistening bubble on his chest. “And then I’ll starve to death, and it will be all your fault.”

“
But I’m hungry for this now.” His mouth was on my neck while his hands traveled a dangerous path down my wet body. The pull of desire distracted me from my original statement, but my stomach helpfully growled to bring my focus back to other important matters.

“
You’ll survive,” I giggled. “But I won’t if I don’t get some real food soon.”

I stepped out of the tub and closed the white shower curtain. Clean towels hung on the towel bar and I grabbed one to wrap around my hair. I wiped off the fogged-up mirror, my eyes sparkling back at me in the clouded glass. Yesterday I had received the official notice from U of M that they had accepted my deferment. This upcoming year was going to be my own, choosing to do whatever I wanted to do with no responsibilities or secrets to keep.

Our clothes lay tangled together on the floor. I toweled myself off and shook out Ash’s t-shirt, pulling it over my head. It would have to do until I could find clean clothes in my bedroom. Besides, I liked wearing his t-shirts. They smelled like him. A spray of cold water splashed me on the neck and I squealed in surprise.

Ash called over the sound of the water,
“If I have to take a cold shower, so do you, brat.”

“
There’s plenty of warm water left! I didn’t use it all.”

“
That’s not why it’s cold,” he grumbled behind the opaque curtain.

“
You’ll live,” I said, laughter coloring my words. “I’m going to go pick up the food now.”

I went to my bedroom and got dressed in threadbare
cutoffs, deciding to wear his t-shirt while I ran out. His punishment for the cold water sneak attack.

In my truck, I drove to the small family pizza parlor on the edge of town. They had the best pizza in the area. The place stood empty since it was right before closing time, the parking
lot deserted. I’d gotten our order in right before they stopped taking orders for the night. I parked under the lone streetlight. It flickered as I walked over to the door.

In the foyer, I stretched out my legs while sitting on the hard metal folding chair. I was waiting until later tonight to tell Ash about the deferment and my plans. A little spark of anxiety flitted around in my head. We had avoided any discussion of the future, dancing around it like we had danced around our attraction to each other. But now I could go anywhere, including L.A. Two weeks until we were both leaving, free of this place forever.

When the woman in the window handed me the takeout box five minutes later, the smell of the pizza was intoxicating. I hadn’t eaten all day. Between my excited jitters about my upcoming plans and hiding out in my house all day with Ash, food hadn’t been on my mind.

Out in the dark lot, I balanced the pizza on one hand and searched through my pocket for my keys with the other. The streetlight sizzled and went out. Pinpricks of fear heightened my senses. I glanced around, seeing and hearing nothing unusual. There weren
’t any cars on the street and the surrounding neighborhoods were quiet. The only glow of light came from the pizza place, and they had shut all the lights off in the front; I was their last customer before closing. With the keys in my hand, I unlocked the door. It creaked when I opened it wide. I placed the pizza on the bench seat and slid it over to the passenger side.

A rustling noise came from somewhere. I tried to whip around but a hand landed on my upper back and shoved me hard, leaving me to stumble against the open doorway. My shins banged on the frame and the keys dropped out of my hand into the cab. Someone twisted my left arm. A slice of pain slashed across my wrist, and then again, deeper. The hands released me. I righted myself to face my attacker, my heart pounding.

Ash’s mother stepped back. In her hand, she wielded a scalpel with a plastic handle. Taller than me, with elegant features and frigid green eyes, her gaze slithered over my wet hair to her son’s varsity soccer t-shirt. Her mouth pursed in distaste.

I stared down at my stinging arm in shock. Two cuts marred the skin, one fainter and seeping a slow trickle of blood to the surface while the other poured out a slow stream of blood. Clean edges of flesh gaped wide. She
’d slashed my wrist. Who the hell did that? Was she crazy?

“
You know what I’m going to say.” She pointed the scalpel in my face, and said in a sing-song voice, “Stay away from my son.”

Totally fucking crazy. I clambered into the driver
’s seat. “Get the hell away from me!”

She blocked the door with her body so I couldn
’t close it. The overhead light from the cab of my truck glinted off the blade. No other cars were parked outside. The lights were off in the pizza parlor. My breathing became faster. I didn’t know if my voice would carry loud enough to yell for help, and who would even listen?

“
What are you going to do?” She didn’t brandish the scalpel again. “Tell someone I attacked you? The police? And what are you going to say? That you didn’t really do it to yourself? Are they going to believe you?”

My breath burned in my chest. They wouldn
’t believe me. Why would they? Even I didn’t believe this had happened, and it was still happening. The keys weren’t on the seat. They must have fallen down somewhere. If I leaned over to find them, I’d be vulnerable to another attack. I went to kick her but she moved away from my feet, holding onto the open door.

She clucked her tongue at me.
“Calm down, I’m not going to hurt you.”

The blood dripping down my fingers said otherwise, as did the scalpel she held in her hand. I squeezed my wrist with my other hand to put pressure on the deeper cut. I didn
’t know how bad it was, and couldn’t risk passing out from blood loss.

“
I wanted to have a little chat,” she said, cheerfully, like a complete psychopath. “I know you’re taking a gap year instead of going to the University of Michigan. If you disappeared tonight, who would know?”

My heart stopped cold. How did she find out? No one outside of the administrative offices at U of M knew about my deferment, not even Ash. She was well-connected, but this was beyond what I imagined. Warm drops of blood splashed on my knee.

“Most likely Ash would, and that would be a shame. He’s so excited to go to that school of his,” she continued. “Did you know the McCallums have a niece who attends the same school? It will be nice for him to have a connection to home, don’t you think? Such a nice family.”

Time slowed to a standstill. Going after me was one thing, but I couldn
’t let her go after him. She already had a spy in place to keep an eye on him. She wasn’t going to let him get away from her that easily. He’d made plans to live off-campus and vanish from their reach out in L.A. But he couldn’t give up going to school. I couldn’t let her take it away from him.

“
Just tell me what you want.” I held out my arm to prevent the blood from getting on my clothes.

“
I want what every mother wants, of course.” The fine lines around her eyes wrinkled as she faked sympathy. “I’m sorry, I forgot you wouldn’t know about that since your own mother left you. I didn’t mean to bring up such a sore point.”

I willed my face to remain expressionless.

She was determined to draw this out as painfully as possible, though. “Well. Like
most
mothers, I want my child to be happy and safe. You want Ash to be happy, don’t you? You want him to be safe.”

It sounded like a threat, despite her sugar-coated words. I wasn
’t going to let her hurt him ever again, not when he was so close to leaving. I needed to know what the threat was if I had any chance of preventing it from coming true.

She leaned in closer. I desperately fought the u
rge to cringe, knowing she’d pounce on any display of weakness. 

“
All I’m suggesting is it would be a shame if something happened, and he couldn’t leave for school. What would his life be like if he missed out on this opportunity? And from what I’ve heard, they’re so excited about Ash attending, and think he’s immensely talented. No, I think this is more of a question of what do you want? Because I think you’d do anything for him.”

How stupid of me.
She’d attacked me to get my attention, but she already knew my weakness.

She continued, accompanying her words with a nasty smile.
“I met a charming woman at a fundraiser this year. She used to work as a social worker for the county, and after a couple of bottles of wine, she had such sad stories to tell about her time at CPS. One story really tugged at my heart, about a young girl who called her office every day for a month, pleading for someone to look into fake claims of abuse for her childhood friend. It sounded like the young girl had some serious problems and just wanted some attention, poor thing.”

I couldn
’t stop myself from snapping, “Maybe there was nothing fake about them in the first place.”

Her smile grew as the whispers came back to life in my head. That it was all my fault. If I had tried harder, maybe I could have stopped her. With a jerk of my head, I tried to push the litany aside, but the words kept repeating while she continued to talk.

“Would you let him give up his future for you? Knowing you could’ve prevented it?” She chuckled. “Unless you think somehow he loves you enough that it wouldn’t matter. How long do you think that will really last?”

I knew being with Ash would cause problems, and deep down, I knew it wasn
’t going to last, either. If I hadn’t been so selfish, she wouldn’t have had a reason to threaten to take Ash’s future away. It was all my fault. The same refrain kept repeating in my head, it wouldn’t stop.

“
Here.” She held out a newspaper clipping. “You’ll understand.”

I took it from her hand, careful not to come even close to touching her. It was a clipped article from a newspaper. The headline read:
“Man Arrested for Narcotics Possession Accuses Police of Planting Evidence.” Wide-eyed, I stared up at her.

She lowered her head with a mock-sorrowful expression.
“Of course, I’ll do anything to help him. He has so many problems, all the psychiatrists I’ve taken him to over the years said so. If it got to this point, rehab wouldn’t be enough. My husband and I would have to think about fighting for guardianship over him. Hypothetically, we’ve already consulted with some of our lawyer friends about this.”

She
’d allow her own son to be brought up on drug charges, using her spies and her connections, and then take control over his life just because of our relationship. If she had the resources to fool everyone into looking the other way all these years, there was no doubt in my mind she and her husband could arrange for someone to hide drugs in Ash’s car and then have him arrested. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the rest of her threat. A tremor ran through me from head to toe. Why did she hate the idea of us being together so much? I would do anything if she would just leave him alone long enough for him to start his life far away from her.

“
What do you want me to do?” I clutched the steering wheel, my blood making it slick under my palms. If she simply wanted me gone, I was already there.

“
I don’t care what you do, just think it through wherever you go. Preferably tonight. I would hate for anything bad to happen.” Her eyes narrowed. “I’ll know if you show up where you’re unwanted.”

Finally, she moved away from my door. I slammed it closed and locked all the doors, watching her walk away into the shadows.

Shaking overcame my body, but I had to focus. I opened the glove box and grabbed a wad of napkins. Blood soaked through the thin paper as I pressed the napkins to my wrist. I didn’t think she’d hit an artery, but there was so much blood. So much more than I’d ever seen in my life. The deeper cut probably needed stitches but that wasn’t an option unless I wanted to spend the night fending off questions about why I hurt myself.

A roll of silver tape sat in the open glove box. Duct tape would solve everything. A hysterical giggle escaped from my mouth because I couldn
’t cry. Crying wouldn’t solve anything. And Ash would see through my red eyes in a second. He couldn’t know anything about this.

I choked back a sob. She
’d cornered me into a no-win game. She knew what Ash would do if I told him about her attack and threats—he’d stand up to her for me, and he’d lose. He’d lose everything and all hope for his future because we would play right into her hands. And it would be all my fault.

Even worse, she was a master-level player. She
’d attacked my wrists so I’d lose credibility if I tried to tell, and threatened Ash in a way I couldn’t explain—other than a random newspaper clipping. The only solution was to do what she wanted, despite the fact she was a complete psycho. I couldn’t even try to convince him to leave for school earlier. She’d think I tipped him off and who knows what she would do.