I pinch him, assuming we're playing the silent game again. I feel his breath advance until he's breathing into my ear. "It's time to see in the dark."
"I can't. I'm not a cat."
Lifting me bodily, he hurls me backward. I sense the anger in the gesture. Ungracefully, I land across the forgiving bed. This just hurtles my pumping heart into overdrive. Fear starts dancing with the edges of my sanity.
"Can't is a word you are taught. It does not
exist
."
"You're scaring me."
"You came back of your own free will. You sought me out. Now you regret it? It's too late for regret."
I swallow against the lump in my throat. My heart is racing so fervently that it's hard to hear. I'm utilising everything I have, afraid, trying to sense his movement. Damn, I wish my heart would
shut up
!
Involuntarily I flinch when his warm arms wrap around me. Finding solace, I lean in, trying to still my terror. His weight sinks down next to mine, and it just confuses me when his lips begin tracing across my shoulder.
"You scare me."
"No, I don't. What scares you is opening your eyes to finally see."
I entwine my arms around his neck, seeking a hug. I need comfort. I feel like crying. He seems to understand my mental fragility as he holds me against him. He has reassuring strength. He's both intimidating and comforting. A complete oxymoron. Hot hands trace pressure down either side of my spine.
Shiver.
Blindly I locate his lips, needing connection. He pushes back. He's too strong. Aware of submission, I lower back down, reclining. Tongue between lips, breath in my nose, fingers circling my nipple, I close my eyes. I can't see anyway. It feels so good.
Subliminally he replaces my fear with passion. I am oversensitive when his hands trace my skin like a blind man reading braille, sending billions of impulses scrambling to my neurons. A moan rustles in my throat when his tongue replaces fingers. Unyielding hair scrubs against my soft flesh from his face.
I reach for that belt. A hand clamps over mine, preventing movement.
"Seithe?"
"Not yet."
Tease!
"But ..."
I feel him pull away, instantly imbuing a bereft sensation. I've just been rejected. A hand rests heavily on my hollow stomach. I stare at total blackness. Fighting bitterness.
"Phoebe, you have used visual stimulation to fuel expectation. You think that sex is all about gratification. What if it isn't?"
"What is your problem?" Yes, I'm angry. Female scorn is activated.
I sense him smiling again. At least one of us finds my humiliation amusing.
"Why are we in the dark?" he asks.
"Because you're a freak on a power trip."
"Because it heightens your awareness. It forces you to see using your instinct, and to tune your senses to acute levels."
"Why?"
"I want you to think back, and consider this. What if you used all of your senses to this degree when engaging in intercourse. Perhaps if you did that, you would finally know what the act was designed to feel like."
I remain silent. He manages to make me feel chastised.
"You aren't ready yet."
"Who died and made you God?"
The burning in my cheek shocks me speechless. OW! He just slapped me.
"Don't bring Him into this."
I lash out, trying to smack him back. His laughter is harsh, cruel, my wrist ensnared. "I can see in the dark, baby girl."
I'm pulled against him again, imprisoned inside strength. "You are such a little minx."
"And you are so unpredictable that I'm not sure I like you."
His thumb presses into the hollow of my throat.
"Phoebe, I am trying to be gentle. I'm impatient. You have so much left to understand."
"Why can't we just be normal? Why put me through this? It's fucking freaky."
A sigh bathes me.
"What you consider normal, isn't. Blind to your own power, numb to your senses, content with mediocrity ... no. You have a rebellious nature, that's what I like about you. You aren't afraid of confrontation. I know I can wake you up."
Leaning heavily against him, I am weary. I'm torn between wanting to run away back home, and waiting it out. I want to fuck him. As crass and shallow as that is, he's enticing. There isn't another male I've ever felt this sexually charged with. I'm not sure I'm prepared to let this go yet.
But, he does scare me. Wrapping my slender arms around his neck, I collapse into him, "Just hold me before you freak me out again."
He's very good at the comfort thing. It's undemanding. Patient. Kissing my temple so softly. How can he be so full of tenderness one moment, and so unyielding and stubborn the next? Sighing heavily, my confusion leaks tears onto his skin.
"Don't be afraid." It's soft, a whisper, comforting, reassuring.
"I am."
He moves a hand to cover my heart again. "You hold the key. I'm helping you to unlock what you have hidden in here."
"I'm not locked."
"You are jaded. You don't surrender completely to any moment, thereby robbing yourself of at least fifty percent of the experience. You were made perfect. Designed to live completely inside this experience. Your body is the tool that opens every door. Your mind transcends your body, telling you more than your eyes can see. But you have dulled your senses and your mind. Walking half blind, to prevent pain. You locked yourself away. I need you to live again, Phoebe. Meet me as an equal."
A smile possesses my face. "You
are
a romantic. A demented one."
I climb into his lap, smothering his face with faint kisses, before sinking my weight over his mouth. He just spoke straight to my heart, and it's so touching it hurts. My desire for him is increasing. Drinking hungrily from his hot succulent mouth, I allow the meagre contact to be a well of sustenance.
Firm hands cradle my head, he responds immaculately. God, this man is perfect. Briefly sated I pull away, soaking in his placid ambience before the next storm.
Chapter 10: Dark
His hold is familiar, tantalising in its silent strength. I'm loathe to relinquish it.
"Did you play Marco Polo as a child?"
I nod, knowing he can feel it and see it.
"Don't be afraid, Phoebe. I'm here, I won't abandon you. Learning to see in the dark is the same kind of game."
Well at least he's taking the time to explain things now, instead of just freaking my bean.
"Okay."
"Do you trust me?"
"No."
"Because I hurt you?"
Reluctantly, I answer truthfully, "Yes."
"Do you think I'll hurt you again?"
"I'm not sure."
"Do I deliberately want to hurt you?"
"I don't think so."
"So, can you trust me?"
"Probably."
He pauses, a sigh floating between us briefly. "That's how humans learn. Through painful experience. I wish it didn't work that way, but it does."
Pushing me off him, he moves away. I hear the rustle of his jeans.
"In the New Testament, Jesus says ... 'unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...' ... further on in reference to children He says ... 'the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these'. Children trust without question. You stupidly did that with me. You chose to blindly trust me. So I made you blind, forcing you to trust me, putting your faith into your choice."
His voice becomes clearer, like water dropping into a silent well, as he turns to face me fully. I am sensing this all now.
"Children love playing seeking games. They openly engage life using every sense. They greet each day with exuberance. They play hide and seek, Marco polo, pin the tail on the donkey. Those games engage the other senses, and hone instinct. Become my child Phoebe. I am trying to show you the Kingdom of Heaven."
A heavy yoke of consciousness presses down on me, with the weight of the severity of his words. This guy isn't fucking around. He's a complete madman.
"You're one of those crazy religious freaks. The kind that scare the shit out of me and would burn witches if you could."
"No, I'm not. You have complete free will. All I'm asking is that you try and meet me half way by reengaging your childlike sense of play. Seek me in the dark, the way a child searches for a friend in the swimming pool during Marco Polo. I'm asking you to hone that sense. I am not here to judge you. I ask you to elevate yourself out of numb, to meet me as an equal. I'm showing you the mirror, but you have to reach beyond it."
Go on. Fuck with my mind some more! I wonder what psychologists would make of you? Exhibit A is a rare and endangered mind. So severely warped beyond normal parameters, it is a wonder to behold that the individual can still form coherent speech.
I smile at my own thoughts. In a weird way, he makes sense. What he's asking isn't really that bizarre. Just the way he states his case, is. Okay, I can do this.
I stand too. "Fine."
He whispers into my ear, my breath catching in surprise, "Find me."
I turn and snatch at where he was standing, but he's gone. Waving my arms around, I don't connect with anything. I walk three steps one way, then change my mind and walk slowly the other way. Until I'm not sure which way I'm facing any longer. I do this for an indeterminate amount of time. Feeling frustrated, I close my eyes. Holding my hands out, dead still and rigid. I slowly turn. Forcing my breath into barely discernible shallowness, I listen intently. Aware of air movement on my arms and palms, I try to sense air movement. There! I take two steps, and grab at nothing. I was positive he was there.
Standing statue rigid, I close my eyes again, attempting to probe the darkness with my mind, trying to sense him. This works better than using my body actually. I have a weird sense directly behind me. As if it's a warmth, an anomaly in the dark void around me. Slowly, I reach my hand back and clasp his. I smile with relief and sheer exhilaration at winning this one.
Hot lips close on my neck. Arms encircle me. "You are superb, baby girl."
Like a salve on fraught nerves, his pleasure and pride embalm me. I feel so happy. I can't explain how pleased I am that I did it!
"Close your eyes briefly."
Obediently and without question, I close them.
"Open."
Candles are lit. This room is
huge
. I stare in stunned shock at what is obviously his kingdom. "Why candles?"
"Electricity is too harsh. I use it to power the appliances. But I prefer candlelight."
Watching him warily, he's just unsettled me once again. I know nothing about him.
"Who are you?"
He laughs and tugs gently on my hand for me to walk with him, "Seithe, is all you need to know."
"Where are we going?"
He grins at me, morphing his face into boyish charm, "Aren't you hungry, minxy?"
Now that he mentions it, yes I am. I nod, smiling back. This is freaky, the two of us wearing only jeans. Two, almost lovebirds, that should be in a Calvin Klein poster somewhere.
"Come here."
His voice is draped in affection. Feeling safe and thrilled, I let him pull me against his naked skin. When his brown haired head and brown eyes blur they're so close, my lips part to receive his attention. For the first time in forever, I feel happy.
Chapter 11: Breath
I let my eyes peruse in curiosity as we dawdle away from the gigantic room, which was possibly his bedroom. With its large bed rumpled with black linen, the dark chairs that stood off to the side, so many dancing naked flames, surprisingly warm despite the dark colour scheme, left behind us. For some reason this place feels ancient, even though it has modern fittings. It must be the stone floor.
The doorways we walk through are arched. Brackets holding candles and torches litter the passages and rooms sporadically. It's so large for a single man. This abode is an architect's delight. Vaulted ceilings in the passage, the odd wall sconce, a random cherub or gargoyle. In some places, especially above the arches, I notice an etching similar to Celtic knot-work.
"Is this your home?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Where are we?"
"Home."
I laugh spontaneously. Brown eyes glance absently at me. I'm loving decent lighting. For the first time I'm getting a really good look at this hunk. I like his build, it's understated masculinity. His height gives him natural elegance. Brown hair suits him more than blond. He's so naturally confident. My eyes wander down, following his toned muscles. Secretively, I smile to myself as I notice the fine hairs below his navel are brown. Sinfully sexy, if you ask me for my opinion. Not that anyone ever does.