Selby Snowbound (3 page)

(Of course nobody believed her.)

‘She’s
sooooo
beautiful!’ Selby thought. ‘And she’s probably a wonderful person. But I guess I’ll never know because I’m going to stay with the Trifles forever. They are my real dream companions.’

The Trifles were out of the house and Selby was watching his favourite TV learning program called
You Can Sell Anything!

‘I just love the way this Harold Huckster guy explains how to be a super-salesperson,’ Selby thought. ‘I’d love to give it a go. I’d love to go around knocking on doors, selling encyclopaedias, and things to clean carpets, and all that greasy stuff that women put on their faces. It would be so much fun.’

‘And this brings us to the end of another program,’ Harold announced. ‘So what have we learned? What are today’s Steps to Success?
First, confuse your customers. When they’re confused you can have them eating out of the palm of your hand.’

‘Got it, Harold,’ Selby thought. ‘What next?’

‘And don’t forget to flatter them. Make them feel good about themselves and they’ll do anything you want.’

‘And then?’ Selby thought.

‘And then,’ Harold said, ‘remember that before you sell a product you have to sell
yourself.
And to sell yourself all you have to do is smile. Get that smile right and they’ll believe anything you say. So, until next time — happy smiling and happy selling!’

‘Here’s how I’d do it,’ Selby said, practising a huge smile in front of the mirror. Then he put on a cheerful voice.

‘Hello, my name’s Selby. What a lovely house you have. I know you’re busy and that’s why I’m here. I have just the thing to make your life easy. And for today only we have a special never-to-be-repeated offer. Hi, my name’s Selby. G’day, I’m Selby.’

Selby heaved a great sigh.

‘I could never be a salesperson,’ he said,
‘because I can never be a person. But it’s still fun to pretend. Hi, I’m Selby. G’day.’

Selby smiled a big smile and then an even bigger one. But it still didn’t look right.

‘It’s no good,’ he thought as he headed off on his afternoon walk. ‘Better to start with a little smile that gets bigger and bigger till it breaks like an ocean wave into a huge smile. I could start with just a twinkle in my eye. Everybody likes an eye twinkle. Then I’d slide slowly into a glamorous grin with just a touch of frown. No teeth showing yet. Then I’d hit them with a super-spectacular ear-to-ear all-over-my-face smile. Hi, I’m Selby and this is your lucky day. Have I got the perfect product for all your household needs. It just costs a few cents a day. Please allow me to explain —’

Selby was smiling his way across the street just trying out his super-spectacular ear-to-ear all-over-his-face smile when suddenly he heard the sound of screeching brakes. The next thing he knew he was flying through the air and then lying beside the road. Selby’s head was spinning as a man and woman jumped out of the car.

‘The poor thing,’ the woman said. ‘Did you see that
he wasn’t watching where he was going.’

‘That’s the problem with these small towns,’ the man said. ‘No one’s used to traffic because there never is any. Even their pets cross the streets without looking.’

‘Oooooooh,’ Selby moaned out loud. ‘What happened?’

The man and woman stood open-mouthed staring down at him.

‘I beg your pardon,’ the woman said.

‘Where am I?’ Selby asked.

‘You’re in some awful little town,’ the man said. ‘We’re just passing through. I think I saw a sign that said Doughnutville or something like that. By the way,’ he added, ‘do you realise that you just talked?’

‘Did I?’

‘You not only did but you’re still doing it.’

‘So what?’

‘So, you’re a dog and dogs don’t talk.’

‘Well you’re obviously wrong because
I
do,’ Selby said, still dazed and confused and wondering where he was.

Slowly the man and woman turned to each other and smiled a couple of smiles that were even more super-spectacular and ear-to-ear and all-over-their-faces than Selby’s best smile.

‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ the man asked the woman.

‘If you’re thinking that this is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to us in our whole lives, then I guess I am thinking what you’re thinking,’ she answered.

‘He’s a real live talking dog!’ the man exclaimed. ‘We are going to be rich! We could be staring down the barrel of a billion bucks! We now own the world’s
only
talking dog! I’ll never have to do any of those stupid TV shows again!’

‘Own?’ Selby thought as the world kept spinning around him. ‘Did they say that they
own
me?’

‘Quick! Chuck him in the boot and let’s get out of here!’ the man said.

‘But someone might miss him.’

‘Who cares? Anyone who lets a talking dog walk freely around the streets without bodyguards has got bubble gum for brains. Someone could just come along and dognap him, couldn’t they? Heh-heh-heh. Get what I mean? Huh? Huh?’

‘Gotcha,’ the woman said, giving an evil little grin and an even more evil giggle.

‘Dognap?’ Selby thought. ‘Are they kidding? Hey, he’s grabbing my leg! Now he’s grabbing another leg! Now she’s grabbing the rest of my legs. I think I’m being dognapped!’

As they lifted him into the boot, the man suddenly smiled again and something clicked in Selby’s brain.

‘I know who the dude is!’ he thought. ‘He’s Harold Huckster! I’d recognise that smile anywhere! I’m being dognapped by a television personality! Oh, woe, why did I talk? But it’s too late now — I’ve already done it. Now my only chance is to bite and kick and scratch and run away. But I can’t — I’m so dizzy that I can’t even walk!’

‘We’re going to be billionaires,’ Harold snickered as he began to close the boot. He paused. ‘Maybe even
grillionaires!
We’ll sell his story to TV! We’ll put him in commercials! We’ll sell tickets for people to come to talk to him! Then we’ll teach him to sing and he’ll be the most famous pop star in history!’

‘Oh, woe, if only I could talk them out of thinking that I can talk,’ Selby thought. ‘But how could I do that when I’ve already talked?’

‘You forgot about making him a movie star and keeping all the money,’ the woman said, brushing her hair back with her fingers.

‘I know,’ Selby thought. ‘This is a job for Selby Super-Seller. Only this time I’m not selling a product — I’m selling an idea. I have to
sell
them the
idea
that I didn’t really talk. Hmmm, how will I do it? I’ve got it! I’ll just follow Harold Huckster’s Steps to Success. First, confuse them, then flatter them and then sell yourself. Only how can I
sell
myself when I’ve already
given
myself away? Oh well, here goes.’

Suddenly Selby flashed a little eye twinkle at Mr and Mrs Huckster.

‘Hi, there,’ he said, putting out his paw. ‘I’m Selby and I’m pleased to meet you.’

‘And I’m Harold Huckster,’ Harold said, automatically putting out his hand to shake Selby’s paw and then quickly pulling it back. ‘Hey, what’s going on here?’

‘Have you ever seen a talking dog before, Harold?’ Selby asked.

‘Well no, I haven’t,’ Harold said, looking slightly puzzled.

‘I think I’ve got him confused,’ Selby thought. ‘Now to start selling myself.’

‘Why do you think that is, Harold?’ Selby said, breaking into a glamorous grin with a touch of frown.

‘W-Well I don’t know,’ the salesman said, getting more baffled by the second.

‘Could it be,’ Selby said, suddenly bursting into his super-spectacular ear-to-ear all-over-his-face smile, ‘that it’s because
they don’t exist?’

‘D-Don’t they?’ the man stammered, watching helplessly as the suddenly-not-so-dizzy Selby climbed out of the boot.

‘This is it!’ Selby thought. ‘Now it’s time to flatter them.’

‘You people look like highly intelligent people to me,’ Selby said aloud.

‘Yes, I guess we are,’ Harold Huckster said.

‘And any intelligent person knows that dogs can’t talk, isn’t that right?’

‘W-W-Well that’s right,’ Mrs Huckster said.

‘This is great!’ Selby thought. ‘I’ve got them eating out of the palm of my hand — or out of the palm of my paw, anyway.’

‘Now just a minute,’ Mrs Huckster said. ‘If there aren’t any such things as talking dogs, what are you?’

‘She’s got me there,’ Selby thought. ‘What can I tell her? Hmmm, I think it’s time to stop selling and start running!’

‘Now that’s an interesting question and I think you’ll love the answer,’ Selby said, suddenly bolting and heading for a bush.

‘Not so fast!’ Harold Huckster said, grabbing one of Selby’s legs and then grabbing another leg.

Selby was still trying to run when Mrs Huckster grabbed his other two legs.

‘Good grief!’ Selby thought. ‘I’ve run out of legs again! They’ve got me!’

But before Selby could think of what to do next, the Trifles’ car pulled up and Mrs Trifle jumped out.

‘What are you doing to our dog?’ she cried, snatching Selby away from them.

‘I-I-I’m afraid our car hit him,’ Harold Huckster said. ‘He ran in front of us. We didn’t have time to stop.’

‘We’re terribly sorry,’ Mrs Huckster said.

‘Poor baby,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He seems to be okay but we’d better get him in the house and let him rest.’

‘Excuse me,’ Harold said. ‘But would you sell him to us?’

‘Sell him?!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘To you?! Are you kidding?! Do you realise what a special dog he is?’

‘W-Well yes, we do,’ Mrs Huckster said.

‘Then how could you possibly ask a question like that?’ Mrs Trifle demanded. ‘There isn’t another dog like him in the whole of Australia.’

‘And, perhaps, the world,’ Dr Trifle added as the Trifles started to walk towards the house.

‘Well, no, I guess there isn’t,’ Harold Huckster said. ‘Sorry I asked.’

‘As well you should be,’ Selby thought. And with this Selby suddenly flashed his super-spectacular ear-to-ear all-over-his-face smile at the baffled Hucksters.

‘Goodness me,’ Mrs Trifle said as she stopped the car at Bogusville Lake, ‘the plants have been delivered but where are the BLURVAC people?’

Selby looked out the car window at the hundreds and hundreds of tiny plastic flower pots, each with a tiny plant in it.

‘BLURVAC people?’ Dr Trifle asked. ‘What are BLURVAC people?’

‘It stands for the Bogusville Lake Undergrowth Regeneration Volunteer Action Committee. The volunteers are supposed to be here to help us plant lots of nice native plants around the Bogusville Lake. Don’t tell me I told them the wrong day?’

‘You must have,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘otherwise I’m sure they’d be here.’

‘I think you’re right,’ Mrs Trifle sighed. ‘Oh, well, let’s get to work. It’s very hot and if we aren’t quick about it, all the seedlings will die. They’re already wilting.’

‘I’ll be with you in a moment,’ Dr Trifle said, lifting a bizarre contraption out of the boot.

‘What is that?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘It looks like a horse robot.’

‘It’s a swimming machine for dogs.’

‘But dogs all know how to swim from the moment they’re born.’

‘All of them except Selby,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Selby has never been able to swim a stroke.’

‘So you’ve invented this for Selby, have you?’

‘Exactly! We just strap Selby on top of it, put it in the water, turn it on, and off he’ll go, dog-paddling away like a normal pooch. It should be a wonderful experience for Selby. He may even get a taste for swimming and then learn how to do it on his own.’

‘What do you call it? Did you give it one of those long funny names you think up like a
Canine Aquatic Propulsion Simulation Instructing Zoom Equilibrator?’

‘Goodness, no,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘That would spell CAPSIZE. And
capsize
means to tip over and sink. This invention could never tip over — or sink. Well, I hope not, anyway. I call it my
Paddle-Pup
because it paddles and it’s for pups.’

‘I wish Dr Trifle would just let me be a happy not-normal non-dog-paddling dog,’ Selby thought. ‘Besides, I don’t trust that Paddle-Pup thing. Something always goes wrong with his inventions. In fact, if he tries to put me on it I’ll have to bark and growl and bare my teeth till he has to let me go.’

Dr Trifle lifted Selby onto the invention and began strapping his legs to its mechanical legs.

‘Now it’s time to bark and growl and bare my teeth,’ Selby thought. ‘But I can’t bring myself to do it. The Trifles are such wonderful people. They’re always so good to me. They never even raise their voices at me. How can I be nasty to them? Oh, well, I may as well go along with this Paddle-Pup business. I only hope the flamin’ thing floats.’

Dr Trifle carried the invention into the water with Selby on it.

‘Phew! It does float,’ Selby thought. ‘Hey, this is okay. And the water feels great — it’s so lovely and cool on my legs.’

Dr Trifle reached down under the water and switched the machine on. Suddenly all four legs began making short sharp dog-paddling strokes. In a minute Selby was moving slowly through the water.

‘This is great!’ Selby thought as the Paddle-Pup made its way out towards the middle of the lake. ‘It’s slow, but that’s okay with me.’

‘Aren’t you afraid that the Paddle-Pup will get away?’ Mrs Trifle said, bending down and chipping a hole into the hard earth with her garden trowel.

‘It’s a tiny lake,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Where could it go?’

‘What if it suddenly stops? What if the battery conks out?’

‘I’d just swim out and pull him to shore. You worry too much — Selby’s perfectly safe.’

For the next half hour Selby sat on the machine as it paddled around slowly. He quickly
learned that he could lean to make the Paddle-Pup turn.

On the shore nearby he watched the Trifles struggling to dig holes in the rock-hard ground. The sweat poured off them and every now and then they groaned and straightened up, stretching their sore backs and stiff legs.

‘They’ll never get all of those plants in the ground in time,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s such slow work. Hmmm, speaking of slow, I’m getting a bit tired of piddle-paddling around at low speed on this Paddle-Pup. I wonder if I can crank it up a bit? There must be a speed thingy somewhere — but where would it be? Maybe it’s underwater.’

Selby held his breath, put his head underwater, and then opened his eyes.

‘There it is,’ he thought as he managed to work one paw out of its strap. He pulled the speed lever back with his paw and felt the Paddle-Pup speed up. ‘Wow! Suddenly I don’t feel like a dog anymore — I’m a one-dog speed boat! I’m a canine cabin cruiser!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!
This is fantastic!’

The Trifles looked on in horror as Selby began tearing around the lake. First he went
straight towards them and then he leaned to one side and the Paddle-Pup turned at the last minute and went around in circles.

‘Look, I can even do a figure eight!’ Selby thought. ‘Which is really just the S in Selby only connected up. Maybe I can do one of those loopy loop things like I’ve seen on that TV channel.’

Selby leaned this way and that as he tore around and around the little lake.

‘Ooops! The Trifles will think the Paddle-Pup’s out of control,’ he thought. ‘I’d better slow down again before I give them heart attacks.’

Selby put his paw on the speed lever to push it forward again and slow the Paddle-Pup down but the force of the moving water pushed his paw back in the other direction.

‘Uh-oh! The faster it goes, the faster the water makes it go! I can’t slow down! I can only speed up! Help!’

Now Selby was going around so fast that his waves were crashing on the shore.

‘I can’t do this any longer,’ he screamed in his brain. ‘This dog-paddling dodo could explode! My only chance is to run it up on the shore! Here goes!’

Selby tore out of the water and right past the terrified Trifles, the little metal legs of the Paddle-Pup pounding away at the hard ground like four jackhammers.

‘This thing is even faster on land than it is in the water!’ Selby thought. ‘It’s not stopping! I’ve got to grab the speed lever and push it forward.’

Selby reached for the speed lever but now the machine bounced and bobbed and jumped and rattled so furiously that he couldn’t keep his paw still.

‘I can’t grab it!’

Around and around the shore Selby tore, sending Dr and Mrs Trifle diving into the water to get out of his way. He sped uphill and downhill and even round-and-round hill, through trees and bushes.

‘Help me, please!’ Selby screamed out loud. ‘This runaway robot’s going to kill me!
Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp
!’

Suddenly the Paddle-Pup tore over a hump and straight into a clump of thick bushes where it came to a sudden stop.

‘What a strange noise the engine was making there at the end,’ Dr Trifle said as he and
Mrs Trifle ran out of the water. ‘It sounded like a person calling for help.’

‘Never mind about that. Thank goodness the battery finally ran out of electricity,’ Mrs Trifle said, cuddling the trembling dog. ‘Poor baby. You must have had a terrible fright. It’s a horrible nasty awful invention, isn’t it?’

‘Are you kidding?!’ Dr Trifle exclaimed as he looked back towards the lake. ‘This horrible invention isn’t so horrible after all. It just saved us a lot of work.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Look at all those neat little holes it made in the ground. They’re perfect to put the plants in. Selby did most of our work for us in just a few seconds.’

‘Why so he did. Good boy, Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said, releasing the straps and letting Selby climb off the machine.

‘There’s only one problem,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘And what might that be?’

‘There still aren’t enough holes. We need about fifty more,’ Dr Trifle explained. ‘We could do them ourselves but the Paddle-Pup could do them more quickly.’

‘What are we going to do?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘The Paddle-Pup’s battery is flat.’

‘Thank goodness for that,’ Selby thought.

‘I’ve got a brilliant idea!’ Dr Trifle said, snapping his fingers the way he did when he got brilliant ideas. ‘We’ll use the spare battery from the car! Quick, grab Selby and strap him on again. We can run him around the shore a couple more times.’

‘Not on your life!’ Selby thought. ‘I’m not going back on that rattle trap for all the plants in the world!’

‘Goodness!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘What’s got into him? He’s barking and growling and baring his teeth at us! I’ve never seen him act like this before.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Selby thought as he jumped free and broke into a run, ‘but there are times when even a faithful loving dog just has to say no. If they want that maniac metal monster to punch some more holes then they can ride it themselves!’