Serial Killer's Soul (17 page)

Sunday, March 8, 1992.

Sundays were as quiet as Saturdays, and just as boring; nothing to do and no outside mail. Jeff received the letter I wrote him along with the magazines and literature.

Quite a few prisoners had visits from friends and family, but not me. Not Jeff, either.

On that particular Sunday evening, inmates in the regular housing units attended church services in the chapel between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m., but not those in Unit 2. I didn’t like missing church services. In fact, I was starting to hate this restricted unit. Time passed far too slowly.

On the other hand, I knew God put me there for a reason. So even though I was tired, I pulled out my Bible to find verses to share with Jeff that night.

After the 9 p.m. standing count, I tapped the wall to get his attention. I always tried to say something interesting to get him talking before I started asking him questions.

I wanted to know more about his probation officer. It seemed like he didn’t want to talk about her much. In fact, he just repeated the same things he’d said the night before and then dropped the subject.

I asked him about the police officers who brought Konerak Sinthasomphone, the fourteen-year-old Laotian boy, back to his apartment in May 1991.

“I thought for sure I was caught,” Jeff said, “and I was even more shocked when the officers left him with me without even asking to look in my bedroom. They’d have been surprised to see three bodies in there, wouldn’t they? That just shows you how ignorant society is on this planet. Those officers had no idea whether they were doing the right thing or not. I still can’t believe they handled the situation the way they did.”

“What about your parents, Jeff?” I asked. “How do you feel about them now and what did you think about them before?”

Jeff thought for a moment, then answered cautiously. “They were good at one time, but they became blind, like most people on this planet, to the fact that we must rid this earth of scums. I love my parents, but I have no pity for them. It’s up to them to open their eyes to the facts themselves.”

I didn’t really understand what Jeff was talking about but I had a feeling he was going to go off on one of his racist rants again. I didn’t want to hear it.

I didn’t feel like talking to him anymore and I couldn’t think of any more questions so I opened my Bible and started reading, looking for more scriptures that might help him.

A little while later, I said, “Jeff, do you know that our Lord, Jesus, the son of God, has complete authority over demons?”

I wanted to make sure Jeff knew that God is the all-powerful one, not Satan. I also wanted two things specifically: I wanted him to be free and I wanted him to be a better person. I prayed to God that He help me find the right words to say. I wished I could have gone to church to pray about it.

I ended that dreary, lonely Sunday by telling Jeff to read the following scriptures: Matthew 16:17-19, Ephesians 6:10-11, I John 4:4, and Hebrews 2:14-15.

Even though we couldn’t attend church and worship God as part of a group, at least I hoped Jeff would end that Sunday by reading his Bible. Since I wasn’t sure if he would or not, I decided to read the verses aloud. I tried to read slowly so he could understand what I was saying. I prayed he would listen closely and really hear the words, then think about them later.

“God has blessed you, Simon, son of Jonah,” Jesus said, “for my Father in heaven has personally revealed this to you–this is not from any human source. You are Peter, a stone; and upon this rock I will build my church; and all the powers of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give you the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven; whatever doors you lock on earth shall be locked in heaven; and whatever doors you open on earth shall be open in heaven!” (Matthew 16:17-19,
TLB
)

“Imagine that, Jeff. Jesus is giving you the keys to heaven. But you have to open those doors to forgiveness, first, and then the Lord will let you into heaven. You can do that, Jeff. All you have to do is ask forgiveness.”

He didn’t answer. Maybe he was asleep, I don’t really know. I was always afraid that the drugs he took made him sleep too much. I kept reading, just in case.

Last of all I want to remind you that your strength must come from the Lord’s mighty power within you. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand safe against all strategies and tricks of Satan. (Ephesians 6:10-11,
TLB
)

Dear young friends, you belong to God and have already won your fight with those who are against Christ, because there is someone in your hearts who is stronger than any evil teacher in this wicked world. (I John 4:4,
TLB
)

“Jeff, you hear that? There is someone in your heart who is stronger than any evil in this wicked world! That someone is God, Jeff. You know, I’ve been feeling bad today. It was a long day. I’m tired of being here. I’m worried about that razor blade hearing coming up. I’m sick of worrying about everything. Jeff, are you listening to me? Here’s the bottom line: We both need to know that nothing is going to happen to you or to me that you and I can’t handle. Isn’t that right? It’s true, if we have Jesus on our side, we can handle anything! Jeff, listen to this:

Since we, God’s children, are human beings–made of flesh and blood–he became flesh and blood too by being born in human form; for only as a human being could he die and in dying break the power of the devil who had the power of death. Only in that way could he deliver those who through fear of death have been living all their lives as slaves to constant dread. (Hebrews 2:14-15,
TLB
)

I didn’t hear anything from Cell 1. I felt a mixture of sadness and determination surrounding Jeff. I had so much passion in me to help him; the words of God burst from my lips but seemed to go unheard and unseen by the closed ears and eyes in Cell 1. I felt like falling to my knees in exasperation and pounding my fists against the thick cement wall separating us. I wanted Jeff to see and to understand, but he seemed so lost. In Jeff’s case, he probably never really saw or understood God. God was never a part of his life, and now it seemed like a distant world.

I tried to imagine what Jeff was thinking. He probably felt like the Lord had abandoned him a long time ago, so now he would abandon God in return. If only he could see how much God loves and how God was with him right then trying to save His troubled child.

I fell asleep amidst prayers that my scripture readings would touch Jeff’s heart and that we could talk about them the next day. At least the next day would be Monday and the long, long weekend would be over.

Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the terrible wrath of God is upon all those who do them. Don’t even associate with such people. For though once your heart was full of darkness, now it is full of light from the Lord, and your behavior should show it! Because of this light within you, you should do only what is good and right and true. (Ephesians 5:6-9
, TLB)

Monday, March 9, 1992.

Once again, when offered the chance to go outside for some fresh air, Jeff didn’t go. Neither did I.

At 11 a.m., the mail came and Jeff got his usual bags and bags of greetings from people all over the world. That day someone even sent him a nineteen-inch color television set, but he couldn’t keep it because it was equipped with a built-in clock timer, which was not allowed. He sent it back.

I received another letter from Jeff, which he wrote the previous night. He thanked me for the magazine. He said that some nights he was so bored he wished he could go to sleep and never wake up. He complained about having to write with a marker because apparently the guards were afraid he’d stab himself if they gave him a pen. He also talked about missing the club scene in Chicago on Saturday nights.

“Have you ever seen Chicago at night? All the buildings are lit up; it’s nice,” he said.

He ended by telling me to keep my spirits up and he’d try to do the same.

I read the letter, then tapped the wall between our cells.

“Hey, Jeff, I got your letter. Thanks.”

“No problem,” he said. “I tried to send you some books again but security wouldn’t let me. I don’t know why. They’re just books.”

“I understand.” I didn’t really, but I said it anyway. I was curious about what types of books he had planned to send to me. What type of book did Jeffrey Dahmer read or, for that matter, what kind of book did he want
me
to read?

Jeff interrupted my thoughts.

“Hey, Calvin, do you go to Chicago very often?”

“No, hardly ever,” I admitted.

“Well, I loved it. The nightlife and the lights, they’re the best in Chicago. I’d take the train or the bus. That’s where I met some of my victims. They’d come back to Milwaukee with me on the bus and I’d take them to my apartment. We’d spend the whole weekend making love, but then, when they were ready to go back to Chicago, I’d have to drug ‘em so they wouldn’t leave. You know the rest.”

I did know the rest. I knew it pretty well by now and appreciated his lack of elaboration.

That Monday was the first and only day I remember that Jeff came out of his cell to take a shower. He was out of those four walls for about ten minutes. He just had to walk a few feet because his cell was across the hall from the shower area. None of the other prisoners could see that he was out of his cell except me.

After the 9 p.m. standing count, I asked Jeff how he felt about his life sentences. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like knowing I’d never get out of prison.

“It’s true,” Jeff sighed. “I’ll be locked up forever, for as long as I live. But the thoughts and fears of what I did will be immortal. It’s my legacy. What I did will be written in books and will be with people for time eternal. I can only hope it will be used by the right individuals to achieve the same purpose as I tried to achieve.”

Jeff’s answer sounded like it was something he had thought a lot about; like it was a speech he had prepared and knew well. I didn’t have a response. I often felt at a loss for words when I was talking to Jeff. He was a complicated guy and I never quite knew what to expect from him.

Then, changing the subject, he asked, “I have a question for you, Calvin. Do you think, when you get out of prison, you’ll still stay a Christian?”

I was thrown by his question, but answered. “Yes, of course I will.”

“Do you think it will be hard, you know, staying with God and all?”

“Man, life is hard and it’s full of temptation,” I replied. “Satan is always there trying to pull you away and make you go down a bad path. But that’s what being a Christian is all about, staying with God even when times are hard.”

Jeff was silent, so I continued, “God will always be there, but it’s up to us to have faith and turn to Him when we are in trouble.”

I was glad that Jeff wanted to know more about Christianity. He was such a different person at night. I began to wonder how he could be so sarcastic and evil-minded during the day and yet so willing to learn about God and the Bible at night? It was strange and confusing, but I thought maybe his disrespect was an act to get back at the other inmates for all the jokes and threats. Maybe he figured he was giving them what they wanted to hear, what they expected of him.

I started to think that maybe Jeff knew prison was the best place for him. It was where he felt safe and where he belonged, where he couldn’t hurt any more people.

My mind wandered and I began thinking about Jeff’s trial. “Jeff, what do you think about the judge who sentenced you? Judge Gram?”

“He did what he had to do just as I did what I had to do,” Jeff replied. “I feel no anger toward him. Just by my trial he should have realized that all minorities should die and I hope I’ve made that impression on him.”

“How about Attorney Gerald Boyle? Did you like him?”

“I believe he did his job and nothing more,” Jeff said. “I know he couldn’t stand me as most people can’t, but I’m not bothered by what people think or I wouldn’t have confessed to all the crimes I committed.”

It was time for our two-man Bible study. I quietly reviewed what I had planned for that evening.

Then I told Jeff, “God’s final plan for Satan and his demons is found in Matthew 25:41. Read it. It’ll help you in your spiritual walk.”

Then I will turn to those on my left and say, “Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons.” (Matthew 25:41,
TLB)

“Jeff, you sure don’t want to spend eternity in hell with the devil and his demons, do you?”

Jeff responded casually. “I don’t think I’m afraid of dying. Not anymore.” He paused for a moment and then continued, “I think it would be the best thing for me actually. Besides, I would probably fit right in with the demons and the devil. We’d probably be pals.”

Jeff was being sarcastic. I knew he didn’t mean what he said. Maybe he wasn’t afraid of death anymore because he probably already felt dead; his life was over as far as he was concerned.

I was quiet as I tried to find the right thing to say.

“Jeff, you can’t give up on living.” I ignored his comment about being pals with the devil. “There is still so much good you can do with this life you were given. Your soul can still be saved.”

I didn’t hear an answer, so I figured he was asleep. I tried to stay positive but it was difficult.

I looked up Psalms 23 in my Bible and read it quietly to myself. This verse always made me feel better. Even I sometimes needed a reminder that God was with me during my most troubling times. Living next to Jeffrey Dahmer was a challenge. Trying to get him to know and love God was even more of a challenge and that challenge had started to get to me.

I wondered if he would ever have a change of heart big enough to sincerely ask for God’s forgiveness. Was all my work with him for nothing? Would this mass murdering serial killer eventually come around to the Lord? I prayed about it and then I finally slept.