Seriously... I'm Kidding (7 page)

Now my memory is much, much better. I’ll tell you more about that in a second. My phone’s ringing. I’ll be right back.

Meditation

Ahhhhh. Doesn’t that feel better?

Guided Meditation

L
et’s begin by getting in a comfortable position.

Sit or lie down and close your eyes.

Or if you’re driving, keep your eyes open and fast forward through this chapter.

Now breathe in through your nose. Mmmmm. Doesn’t that smell nice hopefully?

Now exhale through your mouth.

If you’re on a crowded bus, apologize to the person whose face you just blew in.

Quietly say, “I’m sorry I just blew in your face.”

And relax.

Feel your breath moving through your body.

We’re inhaling energy. And we’re exhaling stress.

Breathe in positivity and light. Breathe out negative thoughts like traffic… or flight delays… or bad service at a restaurant… or frustration with your boss… or a fight with your spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend… or money woes… or getting your car towed… or losing at Scrabble… or getting left at the altar… or finding out about a wheat allergy… or having one of your favorite socks stolen out of the dryer… or depression.

Don’t dwell on any of those thoughts that I mentioned.

Say good-bye negative thoughts. We’ll see you another time.

Now relax your mind.

You’re in a meadow. A beautiful meadow with bright green blades of grass and no ticks.

It’s peaceful and quiet. Listen to the wind blow across the meadow.

Do you hear it? That was an airplane. Listen closer. Listen to the leaves rustle and the snakes slither. No, not snakes. There are no snakes in this meadow. I shouldn’t have said snakes.

Slow down your mind. Slower. Think about how slow you have to drive when there’s someone on a bicycle in front of you in the middle of your lane. Are you annoyed? Don’t be.

Today it’s not annoying. Today it’s peaceful.

Start to float above the meadow. Whoa. Look at that. You’re floating. Are you scared of heights? Don’t think about that.

Picture your wallet falling out of your pocket. You don’t care. Let your wallet go.

A stranger picked it up, took the money out, and left the wallet behind. Let it go. You didn’t need that money.

You’re floating peacefully above the meadow.

As it turns out, there was a tick but it didn’t bite you. So you’re breathing out relief.

Feel the energy around you.

Now you’re floating above water. There’s a creek in the meadow. Or it might be a brook. You don’t know the difference, maybe there isn’t one. You don’t care.

Just picture the creek-brook. Its winding path piercing the meadow. The sun bouncing off the rocks. Don’t think about how dangerous it would be to slip on them.

As you approach the water you see a bridge. It’s a bridge that leads to happiness.

To the left of the bridge is a cape. Not a cape like a piece of land, an actual cape like a superhero would have. Put on the cape.

Now you have magical powers. You can do anything you want in this cape, except fly.

As you get closer you realize the whole bridge is made out of dark chocolate.

It’s unsafe to walk on but so delicious to eat.

Carefully cross the bridge to happiness. Don’t let anyone take your cape. It’s yours.

People will try to take your cape out of jealousy, but don’t let them.

On the other side of the bridge, they’re showing classic reruns of
The Love Boat
.

Happiness is yours once you cross the dark chocolate bridge in your cape.

Be careful and good luck.

Random Things That Might Help You But Probably Won’t

• Never make your bed with a monkey in it.
  

• Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move your chair.
  

• There’s no attractive way to get a cherry pit out of your mouth.
  

• When making a right turn onto a busy street, always check the crosswalk for children’s imaginary friends.
  

• Everyone looks better in fuchsia.
  

• If you have portraits of yourself up all over your house, people are going to think you’re conceited. Replace them with portraits of me.
  

• When moving heavy objects, I know they say to lift with your knees. I’ve always found it easier to lift with my arms.
  

• Rest rooms are not for resting.
  

• When your eye twitches, it means your body wants you to wink rapidly at whomever is sitting across from you.
  

• If you like winning, never play hide-and-seek with a chipmunk.
  

• Answering every question with “You got it, girlfriend!” can apparently be irritating to others.
  

• “Kerfuffle” is an actual word.
  

• At a four-way stop sign, the person with the prettiest eyes has the right of way.
  

American Idol
, Or “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything at All”

I
have been a genuine fan of
American Idol
since it began. I love music. I love supporting new talent. And I love medleys about Ford. So it’s always been one of my favorite shows. It turns out, however, I enjoy it a whole lot more when I get to watch from the comfort of my very own living room.

Everyone asks me about my time as a judge on
Idol
. People want to know what it’s really like to be there, what Ryan is like, and what Simon is like. I’ll say this about them: Ryan is truly a workaholic. He never stops. You don’t see this watching from home, but during commercial breaks he goes around the audience selling Mary Kay cosmetics. And as for Simon—you can’t always believe what you see. I know he comes across a certain way on TV, but in real life—and I don’t mean to shock you—he’s actually completely hairless.

When I first agreed to do the show, I thought it was going to be a lot of fun because, first of all, what great seats. You’re right there in the front row. You’re seeing everything live as it happens. You get unlimited refills of Vitaminwater. It seemed like a terrific idea.

But then reality set in and things changed. My schedule got crazy. Pressure started building. Randy kept calling me “dude.” It was just very different from what I was originally expecting. I guess if I had to sum up my experience in one word, it would be “funfficult.” It was really fun, but it was hard.

To give you a little sense of what my schedule was like during that year, I can walk you through a typical day. Normally, I tape my talk show at four o’clock every afternoon. I have all day to prepare and rehearse, and then from four to five I tape the show straight through. A little secret about my show is that I tape it a day in advance of it airing on television. So when you’re watching my show, let’s say on a Wednesday, it’s actually Tuesday for me. Your today is always my tomorrow and your yesterday is my today. Your last night is my tonight and your tomorrow is my two-days-from-now. But
American Idol
is always live. So I think you see what I’m saying. I never knew what day it was or where the hell I was.

To accommodate my schedule during
Idol
, we would tape my talk show at 2:30 instead of 4:00. That way we ended at 3:30 and I could jump in my car and drive across town to the
Idol
studios. It was always very stressful to get there on time since it’s a live show, but luckily I’m pretty good at maneuvering through traffic. You just have to drive on the less-crowded streets. Well, not streets. Sidewalks.

Once I got to
Idol
, I would change out of my daytime talk show host outfit (casual chic), change into my prime-time outfit (judge’s robe), and get prime-time hair and makeup (powdered wig, sex kitten eyes, etc.). Then I’d run onstage for the five o’clock show. Everyone there seemed to have a very busy schedule, and I assume that’s why Simon never had time to button his shirt up all the way.

As hectic as my schedule was, the bottom line is that I don’t like judging people and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. That was the hardest part of being on that show for me. It was always easy for me to sit at home in my pajamas and critique performances, but when I was sitting at that judges’ table ten feet away from kids who have put their heart and soul into the competition and they’re staring at me hoping I’ll say something nice and Simon’s sitting next to me caressing my leg under the table, it was just difficult. I felt awful saying anything negative, so sometimes I would end up saying things like, “That was great” when really I wanted to say, “Uh-oh.”

And I know there’s such a thing as constructive criticism, but to me that’s still criticism. It’s just criticism with a jaunty hat. You’re still hurting people’s feelings, and I don’t like it. I don’t do it on my talk show. I don’t do it in life. I just don’t do it.

One of the reasons I didn’t like giving criticism was that a lot of the contestants felt as if
Idol
was the end of the road. If they were eliminated, they thought it was all over. But that isn’t the case. One of the good things about being there was that I got to tell them that there’s a lot more waiting for them outside of
Idol
. In fact, the next day I had each contestant on my talk show, where I introduced them to a whole other audience, and I loved being able to do that.

It’s the same with every career and life decision. You just have to keep driving down the road. It’s going to bend and curve and you’ll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going. For me, I made a pit stop at
Idol
; it was exciting, and I’m grateful for the opportunity. But then I decided it was best for me to move on. So I got back in my hovercraft and I kept going down the road. Now I have my own record label and I can discover and nurture new talent, and that feels great.