Authors: Rhoda Charles
Julian was quiet again and she let him be to do whatever
figuring he needed.
“Milan is a complicated woman.” He finally added, “She can
be hard to get to know but believe me, she likes you.”
“It’s okay, Jules. I’m a big girl.”
He made a sound she interpreted as mild frustration.
“You know what it is? She’s a little insecure at times and I
think that sometimes our friendship scares her a bit but honestly, it’s nothing
personal.”
“I can see that,” Carolyn offered. It can be hard to break
into a group of friends as close-knit as they were. Maybe Milan’s aloof manner
was a defense rather than disdain.
They jogged for a good while, and then Carolyn asked, “Tell
me something, Jules. I saw Milan giving me some pretty nasty glares last night.
Did your little disagreement have anything to do with me?” She avoided looking
at him as she asked him the question. “You don’t have to say if you don’t want
to.”
“No, it’s alright,” he cleared his throat. “Well, yeah a
little bit. But not really,” he hastened to add, “It really had nothing to do
with you or anything you did.”
“Oh,” she said quietly, “I thought so. I’m sorry you fought
because of me.”
“We weren’t fighting because of you,” he said almost too
soft for her to hear. “It’s like I said, she can be insecure at times and that
makes her behave differently. How can I explain this better? Milan is a woman
who makes people react. Whether it’s by walking into a room or telling a joke
or something, she’s used to getting and keeping people’s attention. She doesn’t
have to try, it just happens. When she finds herself in a position where she is
not getting a reaction, she starts to doubt herself and she…” Julian paused as
he searched for the correct phrasing. “She loses her niceness, let’s say.”
Nicely put Julian.
“I think I know what you mean,” Carolyn said. “So, she lost
her niceness last night because I—”
“Because Rhys and Mark and God only knows who else was
paying attention to you while she was around. You see? It really isn’t personal
at all. It could have been any woman.”
“Oh well, I feel much better now! Come on Julian!”
“What? It’s true?”
Carolyn found it hard to believe that Julian had left Milan
at the bar because Milan was feeling insecure. This wasn’t the first time that
Carolyn had felt Milan’s barbs. She knew the deal even if Julian refused to see
it.
The initial frantic pace of their run had slowed to a
comfortable jog while they were talking. They continued to run in silence for a
while each lost in their own thoughts. With the wedding fast approaching and
their current conversation still hovering around them, Carolyn decided to ask
Julian a question that she had wondered about for a long time.
“What is it that made you fall in love with her?”
“Whoa! That’s quite a question,” Julian said on a
half-laugh.
She knew it was rather personal and maybe even somewhat
inappropriate, but she wanted to know. “I guess I mean what is it about Milan
that made you feel that she was the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your
life with?”
“You ask the tough questions, don’t you?”
“I always have,” Carolyn countered, taking his comment as a
compliment.
It was true. Carolyn had never been one to shy away from a
subject and Julian wouldn’t shy away from this one. Why had he decided to marry
Milan? It was a tough question, though it shouldn’t be.
He wished that when he looked at Milan his heart cried out,
“She is the reason everything makes sense in the world!” The truth was that his
heart was strangely quiet on the subject.
“Milan’s a great person. She’s kind and gentle. It’s a side
she doesn’t show to most people but it is there. She’s beautiful. She’s
independent. She’s smart.”
“But how does she make you feel?” Carolyn pressed him.
Julian thought about what he really felt when he was with
Milan. She made him feel confident. She was stunningly beautiful—the common
man’s Halle Berry—and when he went somewhere with her he felt like people
looked at him differently because he was with her.
Milan was the kind of woman that met people’s expectations
for him. They looked good together and he knew it. He also knew that he
proposed to her because they had come to that point where they had been
together for so long that it was the next logical step.
At the time, he supposed that he had convinced himself that
he wanted his future to be with her. If he was to be honest with himself, in
his heart he knew that the restlessness he had felt tonight was not because of
too much energy. He was restless because Milan did not make him happy.
“How does Milan make me feel?” he repeated Carolyn’s
question. “I’m lucky to have her.”
***
After their run, Julian drove Carolyn home and came inside
to get some water. The house was muggy, so Carolyn suggested they sit outside
and relax for a few minutes. Julian followed her through the dark house and out
the kitchen door to the back veranda. They both sat on opposite sides of the
top step leaning up against the railing.
Carolyn hadn’t switched on the porch light and he was glad.
After their talk he felt a little vulnerable and preferred the inky cover of
night to shield him from Carolyn’s observant eyes.
They were both quiet, looking up at the pinpoints of light
twinkling in the sky. The moon was a sliver of itself and cast an opalescent
light on the yard. Just enough light for Julian to see the outline of Carolyn’s
face.
He rested his head back against the post and watched her
through half-slit eyes. The gentle fall and rise of her chest as she breathed.
The flutter of her eyelashes as she tried to make out the constellations.
Carolyn, you take my breath away.
“Did you say something?”
Julian jumped at her voice. She was looking straight at him;
he felt her eyes probing him in the dark. Had he said something? Had he spoken
his thoughts aloud? He stared back at her. She didn’t seem horrified.
“No, I didn’t say anything.”
Carolyn leaned her head back against her post, mimicking his
position, and turned her attention back to the sky. Julian’s heart rate slowly
returned to normal as he silently berated himself. What are you doing, Julian?
This is not right. You’ve got to stop this. It’s insane. This is Carolyn.
You’ve known her practically all your life. She’s your best friend’s sister.
She’s not your fiancée!
She’s not my fiancée.
Julian closed his eyes trying to block out his thoughts. Say
nothing. See nothing. Listen to the sounds of the night, feel the warm breeze
against your skin.
“I had a good time tonight, Jules,” Carolyn interrupted his thoughts.
“Thanks for inviting me.”
He didn’t respond, he just listened to the sound of her
voice.
“We should do this again sometime,” she said.
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
It was true. It had been as if they had stepped into their
own little world tonight. One he’d love to revisit. “I’ve never done this with
Milan,” he said and the realization surprised him. “I’ve never been this way
with Milan, just quiet and at peace.” Carolyn waited for him to continue.
“You asked me earlier about my feelings for Milan. The truth
is I’m not sure what my feelings are for her right now. There’s an energy
between us—something electric. A buzz. We’re always plugged in. It’s…tiring.
Sometimes, I just want this. This peace.
“Now that we’re getting married, I mean, the wedding is so
close and I’m sitting here. Wondering. You know? I’m wondering if I’ll ever
feel this peace again.”
That admission did not cost him as much as he’d feared. He
felt better having finally shared his true feelings. It had been a dull ache
pressing on him as the wedding drew closer. He had wanted to tell someone but
couldn’t, because merely saying it implied that there was a problem. That
wasn’t the case though. He just needed to acknowledge that he was aware that
life was changing and that he’d have to give something up in order to gain
something better. Did that mean he couldn’t mourn the loss? Not in his mind,
but another person might not agree, though he hoped Carolyn would.
She leaned over and squeezed his hand. “You will.”
They sat holding hands on the back steps until finally
Carolyn asked the question that had been hanging in the air. “Julian, do you
love Milan?”
He’d opened himself up for that. Maybe he’d wanted someone
to press him on it and force him to answer. Maybe he just wanted to tell
someone what he’d been feeling so that they could tell him it was okay. “I
thought I did. But now, I just don’t know.”
Movement caught Julian’s eye. He turned and glimpsed the
shadow of a person leaving the kitchen. Suddenly self-conscious, he removed his
hand from Carolyn’s and stood up.
“I should go. It’s late. Milan…well, I’m sure she’s
wondering where I am.”
His concern that Milan might be worrying about him filled
the sudden space between them.
Carolyn looked at him as if she wanted to help him, but had
no idea how. She reached up to embrace him, but, unsure of himself and very
vulnerable, he caught her wrists in his hands, holding her from him, “Don’t.
I’ve really got to go.”
Luke came into the kitchen in search of a cool drink to
assuage his thirst on this hot night and heard voices coming through the screen
door. From the shadows he observed his sister and Julian on the steps. They
were holding hands in the dark and speaking in hushed tones. Instinct told him
he was intruding and stopped him from going to the fridge. He left the room as
quietly as he had entered and went back to bed.
Not long after, Carolyn tapped lightly on his door, unsure
if he was still up. He was. She climbed into bed with him pushing him into the
corner.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“So I gathered. What’s on your mind, sis?”
“Nothing. It’s hot.”
Luke’s room was the coolest in the house.
“Yeah,” they lay quietly, trying not to move.
“We’re really going to have to get air conditioning, Luke.”
“Wuss.”
“Do you know where Rhys is?” she asked after a moment.
“No idea.”
“I wish he was here. I need to talk to him.”
“I’m sure he’ll be around tomorrow,” Luke assured her.
“I’m worried about Julian.”
Luke waited, knowing she’d continue at her own pace.
“I have to talk to Rhys about him. He’ll know what to do.”
“What do you mean? Is something wrong?”
“I’m not sure really. I just think Jules could use a friend.
It’s good that Rhys is back.”
“I see. So that rules me out?” Luke asked with a slight edge
to his voice.
“What? No. I guess you could talk to him. I just think that
maybe Rhys could give him some guidance. I mean they are best friends,” Carolyn
let out a long yawn.
“Amazing.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Go to sleep Carolyn. It’s late.”
Early Monday morning Rhys found his siblings asleep in
Luke’s room. Carolyn was curled up in a ball and Luke was squeezed against the
wall in the little space she left him. Rhys rested his hand on her head lightly.
She nuzzled the pillow, but didn’t wake up. Luke, always a light sleeper, had
woken when Rhys entered the room.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Where’d you disappear to? Carolyn was looking for you,”
Luke whispered.
“I was hanging out with Cera. I crashed at her place.”
“I kinda figured.”
“What did Carolyn want?”
“You’re gonna have to ask her. It’s one of those things
only you can handle, apparently.”
“Can’t wait. Maybe I can escape before she sees me,” they
both smiled. “Come on sleepy head. Come make me something to eat.”
The two brothers slipped out of the room careful not to
wake their sister.
Still sluggish, Luke shuffled toward the pantry for the
cereal but Rhys stopped him, demanding Luke’s award winning pancakes.
“C’mon, man! You would deny me your special flapjacks?
The ones with the secret combination of cinnamon and honey that only you can
make. The ones that I haven’t had in forever. The ones I’ve been drea—”
“Alright, I’ll make them,” Luke tried to sound exasperated
but secretly he was pleased. Say what you want about Rhys, he had a way of
making people feel special. Little things that nobody else would remember or
even notice somehow managed to register on Rhys’ radar. Luke gathered the
ingredients from their various spots in the kitchen.
“Let me ask you something,“ Rhys pulled out a chair
and made himself comfortable at the table. “What’s your take on Jules and
Milan? I mean that whole thing the other night. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know. Why you asking me?”
“Don’t give me that. I know you. You know everything. You
read people better than anyone I know. What’s the deal?”
The image of Julian and Carolyn holding hands last night
flashed through his mind along with the memory of Milan’s sweet kiss, but Luke
stifled the impulse to tell Rhys about it. Luke had always been able to talk to
his brother and he couldn’t deny that Carolyn was right last night about
wanting to turn to him. Rhys had always been the go-to man when situations
crept up. Luke couldn’t hold it against her that she would turn to Rhys now
rather than him. After all, Rhys was home and had slipped back into his
rightful place as group leader. Even so, Luke was not ready to talk to him
about Milan.
“Probably just wedding jitters. Cold feet.”
Rhys let out a bark of laughter, “When has Julian been
jittery about anything? C’mon Luke, this is Julian!”
Luke scooped flour into a glass mixing bowl and without
looking up said, “You and I both know one thing he’s always been jittery
about,” Luke’s tone caught Rhys’ attention. He looked across the table at his
younger brother who merely raised his eyebrows back at him.
“What are you saying?” Rhys asked.
Luke shrugged and sprinkled cinnamon into the flour in
his mixing bowl. “Nothing. I just think that maybe it’s time for Julian to
admit some things to himself—and maybe some other people. You know, before it’s
too late.”
* * *
The return of the work week found everyone except Rhys
falling back into routine. Luke, however, was having a hard time getting into
the swing of things. Alone in the studio, he couldn’t seem to make the photo
composition work. He was on assignment for a small catalog and the pieces were
not coming together in an appealing manner.
It didn’t help that he couldn’t focus. His mind had spent
the greater part of the day thinking about Milan. And Julian. And Carolyn. And
himself. Everything was getting confused in his mind. Imaginary
what ifs
now seemed startlingly plausible. Each one took Luke’s mind further away from
the task at hand and the catalog was suffering for it.
He had been squinting through the camera lens, finger on
the shutter release, for—he didn’t know how long—when he finally mustered up
the courage to call her.
She didn’t answer on the first ring or the second. After
the fourth ring Luke was just about to disconnect when he heard her voice loud
and clear through the receiver.
“ …and tell Janine to put the table over there. Yes?”
Surprised at the hard voice on the line, Luke hesitated.
“Helloooooo?” her impatient voice prompted him.
“Hi. Milan, it’s me, Luke James.”
“Luke James…? Oh Luke!” Her voice softened to a purr, ”Hi
Luke. What a nice surprise. I most definitely wasn’t expecting to hear a
friendly voice on the other end of the line. How are you, honey?”
“I’m good, thanks. You?”
“I wish I were as good as you. These people are trying my
nerves. I swear I’m gonna get me a cattle prod soon and see if that’ll get
through to them.”
“I’m sure they’ll love to be branded by you.”
“Well, they’ll be scarred for life, that’s for sure,”
Milan chuckled sweetly. “So Luke, this is a first, you calling me at work. Is
everything alright? Is it Julian?” Luke heard a slight twinge of panic creep
into her voice as the thought of an emergency entered her mind.
“No, no. Julian’s fine. I just was thinking maybe you
might like to—if you haven’t already, that is—that maybe you might have time to
grab a quick bite with me for lunch. If you haven’t had lunch yet today,
already. So I thought I’d give you a call and see if you had had lunch yet.”
God, he wanted to stab himself in the eye! Such an
eloquent invitation that was.
“Could you hold on?” through the phone Luke could hear
her issue orders to someone, “I said put the table over there, so that means
over there, not there. There! Right. Sorry, work stuff,” she paused as if
considering something, then added, “You know lunch sounds like a nice idea. I’d
love to get out of here for a few. Why don’t you meet me at 13th and Chestnut
in fifteen? There’s a place with outside seating. Does that work for you?”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you in a few.”
Relieved, Luke put away his camera and the twinge of
guilt he felt for asking Julian’s fiancée out to lunch. He hadn’t expected
Milan to even take his call, much less accept his impromptu invitation. It
didn’t matter. He was overjoyed that he was going have her all to himself if
only for a little while. He grabbed his keys from his desk and slipped
out of the studio.
Fifteen minutes later he watched Milan walking toward him
in that faux-hurried gait of hers. Always stylish, she managed to look like she
hadn’t put any thought into her appearance even though she was put together
from head to toe. When she got to Luke’s side, she reached up and quickly
kissed him hello on his cheek. Her close proximity tickled his nose with her
light fragrance.
Milan was very petite and so had to look up at Luke. Her
deep brown eyes shone with life and the corners of her eyes crinkled ever so
slightly when she smiled. Her head was tipped just a touch to the right in that
way that he found so appealing. He caught his breath and opened the door for
her, “Shall we?”
The café Milan had chosen was small, but the food was
inexpensive and good and the service was fast, making it a popular place for
the local business people who crowded the place. Most of them were rushing in
and out for takeout so, though the place was packed, there were plenty of seats
available for anyone who decided to eat in. She chose a table in the corner and
after Luke had seated her, she ordered a garden salad with fat-free dressing
and a glass of diet coke—her usual.
Milan speared a baby carrot and looked up through her lashes
at her companion. They hadn’t spoken too much over lunch, just exchanged the
regular pleasantries and
de rigueur
questions about work and people they
knew in common. She kept things light and relaxed throughout the meal, but she
was keenly watching Luke and listening for any tidbit of information about
Julian, whom she hadn’t heard from since he snuck out of her apartment Sunday
night.
Julian’s behavior was a real concern. Something was up
with him, but she didn’t know what and that scared her. She hated feeling
unprepared and not in control of situations around her. Luke’s unexpected call,
for example, had thrown her at first, but then she remembered their kiss the
other night and knew exactly why he’d called. Immediately, she agreed to meet
with him. Luke’s crush could be just what she and Julian needed. Maybe Luke’s
feelings would wake Julian up and he’d stop taking her for granted.
Luke leaned back in his chair and watched her reapply her
lipstick. She wondered if he was even aware that he was staring. “Thanks for
meeting me,” he said, suddenly leaning forward and dropping his gaze.
Milan smiled; points to Luke for being self-aware.
“This has been nice, which makes it that much harder to
go back to that hot studio to take pictures of table lamps.”
“Table lamps, eh?”
“Yes, the ever-exciting life of a commercial
photographer.”
His self-deprecation was charming and so different from
Julian, who oozed confidence. “I don’t envy you your hot studio. They keep it
nice and cool at the store. I must admit, though, I am ready for this heat to
break.”
“I know. It’s been so hot that Jules and Carolyn have
started running at night!”
“They have?” Milan couldn’t hide the surprise in her
voice.
“Well, I should say they went running on Sunday night. I
don’t know if it’s a regular thing or not. It’s just that the heat is making
people do strange things. If I ran at night I’d be way too keyed up to ever get
any sleep.”
“Me too,” she plastered on a tight, controlled smile.
“You’ll have to let me know when they do this again so I can be prepared for
Julian to be up all night. Forewarned is forearmed as they say.”
“I know what you mean. Carolyn likes to keep me up when
she can’t sleep. Boy can she talk when she wants to.”
“I bet she can,” Milan grabbed her purse, “Well, I need
to get back to work. I’ll see you soon?” she said and dropped some bills on the
table.
“Oh, yeah. Soon. This was fun,” he said, rising, but
Milan was already on her way.
***
Milan’s mood may have been bad before Luke’s call, but
she was downright surly by the time she got back to the shop. All she could see
was Julian and Carolyn having some cozy midnight run last night. She could
hardly believe it. After all that talk about him being sorry for being such a
jerk the night before and then he sneaks out to go running with that little…
Milan sat at her desk in her cramped office, which was
really a tiny section of the storeroom in the department store where she
managed women’s clothing.
She had never liked Carolyn James. She hated the way the
woman seemed to manipulate the men around her. Luke, Rhys and Julian all bent
themselves in knots to make sure little Carolyn was taken care of and it was
sickening to watch. Even that so-called boyfriend of hers, Mark, was wrapped
around Carolyn’s pinky finger.
Milan could understand Luke and Rhys’ devotion to her,
she was their sister after all, but Julian was a different story. Yes, she knew
Julian was close to the Jameses and that they had all grown up together and
whatever else. But Julian needed to realize that Carolyn had two brothers to
take care of her and didn’t need a third. The fact the Julian didn’t see that
irked Milan to no end.
Of course, she could never tell Julian that Carolyn was
not his responsibility and that his time would be better spent focusing on his
own girlfriend rather than his little buddy. Something had to be done. Clearly,
she would have to deal with Carolyn herself. Right away.
In fact, she might just have to extricate Julian from the
Jameses completely. If Julian remained in contact with one, there was no way to
ensure that the others would stay away. It was going to be tough—Julian and
Rhys’ bond was very strong. However, there was nothing like a woman to come
between two men, was there?
She reached for the phone and her PalmPilot at the same
time, happy now that she had actually entered Carolyn’s contact information
into her PDA.
“Hello, can you connect me with Carolyn James, please? This
is Milan Maynard.” Milan tapped a pencil against the desk while she waited. “Hi
Carolyn, it's Milan.”