Sewn with Joy (37 page)

“You broke up?”

“Yes, I suppose that's what I did.”

“What? You broke things off? But you told me you love him. You told me he's the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.”

“He is. It's just…his father is the bishop, and there are standards. It's the whole community, really. They disapprove of…” Joy paused, as if trying to find the right words. “They disapprove of
me
.”

Anger shot down the back of Alicia's neck and through her arms. She stood, fists at her sides. She wanted to hit someone. She wanted to march over to the bishop's house and give him and his community a piece of her mind. “Who in the world could disapprove of you?” She spat the words out. “They are fools. They are…”

She wanted to use stronger language, but she refrained. The old Alicia would have used every curse word she knew. The old Alicia would have marched over there, kicked down their pretty white picket fences, and made a scene.

You're not that person anymore. You're a new creation.

Ever since she'd prayed the other night and turned everything over to God, she felt a new light and peace deep inside. Yet she was having a hard time changing her old habits.

Alicia spun around and moved to the window. When she'd parked at the set it had been sunny. Now the rain was falling in big, heavy drops. “I don't know how anyone can disapprove of you, Joy,” she finally said.

“It's hard to explain. Most people would not understand unless they were Amish. I've just…well, I tend to push the rules. Their rules anyway. And they're not all right with that. It's not just them. It seems these days all the young people are trying to figure out what being Amish really means. Everyone's weighing what's important inside and out.”

“But what does Matthew think? Surely he doesn't just let people treat you that way. I haven't talked to him, but I can't imagine him standing back and letting this happen to you.”

“It's our community. It's how things work.”

“None of this makes sense. I know plenty of people whose parents despise the person they're with, and it's horrible to watch.” Alicia spat. “It makes me think maybe this Christianity thing isn't worth it—that it's all full of judgment. Maybe it's not something I want. I mean, everyone I know who is living without God treats people this way. What's the difference?”

Joy's tears came again. She shook her head, and Alicia could see that the Amish woman was processing her words. Alicia didn't completely mean what she'd said. She did believe in Christianity because she knew Jesus Christ had transformed her heart. What she didn't like was how some Christians treated each other. Weren't the Amish supposed to be full of love and forgiveness, or was that some type of act?

Alicia cupped her left hand and made a fist, and then she smacked it with her right hand like a boxer prepping for a fight. “Want me to talk to Matthew, knock some sense into him? I totally can.”

“N-no, don't do that. I n-never wanted to bring you into this. I-I didn't want you to see me like this or find out what happened. I was planning on coming to work and acting fine, but after the scenes were done, I just broke down. I'm not sure if I can go home
tonight. My sisters are going to be able to see everything all over my face. They know me too well.”

“I wouldn't know about that,” Alicia mumbled under her breath. She almost spilled out that she and her sister rarely talked and the only time they connected was near Christmas, when they'd meet up for lunch to exchange expensive gifts—gifts that said more about their own success than it did about their consideration for the other person.

Instead, Alicia kept her mouth shut because she didn't want to take the conversation away from Joy, away from what she was experiencing.

My, aren't I becoming thoughtful?

She could almost imagine Rowan's voice, mocking her for acting like someone she wasn't, but then she pushed that out of her mind too.

After a long, intense silence, Alicia moved to the props closet. “It's raining outside. I'm pretty sure I saw an umbrella in here. When I find it I'll walk you home. I'll even sacrifice and stay to eat whatever dessert your mother made, just to get your sisters' attention off of you.”

“You will? What an amazing sacrifice.” Even as Joy wilted back against the cushioned chair, a hint of a smile touched her lips. But instead of getting up, she closed her eyes, and a pensive look crossed her face as if she were riding swells of memories.

Alicia found the umbrella and sat down. Seeing the pain reflected on Joy's face caused a few of her own memories to resurface.

“I remember being in Amish country once before. My grandmother—my mother's mom—came one summer and took me to meet her parents in Pennsylvania. We drove through country roads most of the way, and at times I was certain we'd end up lost.
But then a little town would pop up, and my grandma seemed to know just where she was.

“One day there was this huge mountain range, and at a curve in the road a billboard rose up. Beware Lest You Forget the Lord, it said. Not much farther, I saw a buggy with a bearded man in the seat. I asked my grandma if we'd traveled back in time to the days of Laura Ingalls. She laughed.

“The man had a straw hat with a brim, like the hats I've seen around Pinecraft. He wore suspenders before they were hipster, and a woman wearing a bonnet sat beside him. The more we drove, the more buggies we saw. When we passed one of them, four children looked at me.”

“Maybe it was me, except I never was in Pennsylvania as a child.” Joy offered a sad smile. “I remember watching cars zoom past as we quietly plodded along.”

Alicia sighed. “Sometimes, when I couldn't sleep, I'd pretend I was one of those children, living in one of those Amish farms we passed—farmhouses made of stone, at least in that place—and with hand pumps out front. I'd pretend I had a mom who was going to make me a big breakfast and a dad who would be up with the dawn to milk the cows. I'd imagine we lived near the creek by the covered bridge and that the next day we'd go and stick our feet in the water as we watched the boys jump off the bridge into the creek. I'd forget for a time that my dad had a new wife and my mom drank too much.”

“It sounds like you had a nice time with your grandma though.”

“Yeah, I did. She loved God too, and she liked to talk about Him as she drove.” Alicia chuckled. “Although I didn't think she knew what she was talking about at the time because she also smoked cigarettes. Even though my mom drank, she never touched a cigarette, and in my childish mind smoking was worse
than drinking, so I thought my grandma must not really know what she was talking about.”

“It's strange how we try to make sense of the world as kids, isn't it?”

“Yes,” Alicia whispered. “And it's also strange how God brings everything back full circle. For most of my life I assumed that trip was just a random occurrence. But now I know differently.”

“What do you mean?” Joy sat erect, intent on Alicia's every word.

“Well, look at us. We're here and you're now my best friend. I think God was giving me a glimpse of what was to come. How much I'd need you, how much we'd need each other, and how you'd point me to Him.”

Joy knew Alicia was trying to get her mind off her pain when she insisted the perfect way to spend a Sunday afternoon was to go to the beach.

Alicia picked her up, and as they drove, Alicia told stories about some of the most awkward scenes she'd ever filmed. It felt good to laugh, good to get away from the eight square blocks that made up Pinecraft.

Siesta Key Beach was filled with young people playing volleyball, families romping in the sand, and couples cuddled on beach blankets.

Alicia wore a modest bathing suit with a cover-up, and her hair was knotted in a bun. She also wore large-rimmed sunglasses, and Joy understood. She wanted to go unnoticed. She wanted to enjoy the day without throngs of people interrupting their fun.

“Those sunglasses hide your face pretty well,
”
Joy commented,
“but perhaps the best disguise is that you're hanging out with an Amish woman.”

Joy looked around at the people watching them. “You know, you're right, Joy. You're getting more attention with your dress,
kapp
, and flip-flops than I'm getting. I should take you with me whenever I travel.” She laughed.

They found a place near the water and laid out an old quilt Joy brought. The salty scent of the ocean mixed with the aroma of barbecuing hot dogs. The crashing of the waves sounded like a loud roar.

Alicia kicked off her sandals and sat on the quilt. “Is the water cold here this time of year? I see some kids are swimming, but my guess is that I'll turn blue if I try.”

“I'm not sure.” Joy shrugged. “I haven't gone swimming here before. I know many Amish who have, but I don't own a suit.” She sadly smiled, remembering how worried she'd been over not being appropriate in a swimsuit, so just not swimming seemed like a better choice. That seemed like such a minor thing now compared to what she'd done.

“Well, you've walked in the water then. Did your feet get cold?”

The sun was bright overhead, and Joy shielded her face with her hand. “No, I haven't walked in the water either.”

Alicia gasped. “Wait, let me get this straight. You've lived here for a couple years and you haven't put your feet into the ocean?”

“No. I haven't. I'm content watching everyone.”

“Oh, no you don't.” Alicia stood and reached out her hand. “C'mon.”

“I'm fine just sitting and watching.” Joy scooted back, out of her friend's reach. “Please enjoy yourself. I might try to find some shells to take home to my soon-to-be niece, Emma, in a little bit.”

Alicia pouted. “I'm only going to enjoy myself if you come
in the water too.” She reached over and grabbed Joy's arms and tugged hard. “I'm not going to insist that you swim in your dress if that's what you're worried about. I just think you should put your feet into the water.”

“Fine.” Joy sighed, letting Alicia pull her up. “But only my feet, and only for a few minutes.”

With her teeth clenched and her hands balled to her sides, Joy stepped into the waves. The water was warm as bathwater. She didn't expect that. Water had been cold all her life up north—in the creek on their property, from the pump by the garden, and from the small lake only a short buggy ride from their home. That seemed like a different life, the life of slow-plodding horses, of expansive fields, and of sifting through her Aunt Martha's fabric closet. Some folks called her aunt a hoarder, but Joy appreciated her. Martha didn't let anything go to waste. She liked to refer to herself as a collector.
Oh, what would all my friends up north think of this now, me walking in the ocean in November!

For a moment, instead of the waves of water, Joy imagined the fields back home, a green sea that rippled with the breeze. She thought of the life she imagined with Matthew up there. The life she could have had. The life that would never be.

“I'm ready to get out.” Joy turned and hurried back to her quilt. Alicia eyed her but continued to dance in the waves. How could it be that where Alicia found freedom, she found bondage?

O Lord, show me, too, how to be free.

Thirty-Three

No matter what, no matter where, it's always home if love is there.

A
MISH PROVERB