Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality (9 page)

This is an entirely different level of programming than guilt. With shame, the very thought of engaging in a given behavior evokes associations of disease and ostracism. Actually doing the behavior creates huge emotional turmoil. Feelings of filth and uncleanliness may overwhelm the person, making him or her feel worthless. In other words, shame leaves a deep psychological mark. Here is a story that illustrated this point from an American Muslim woman who is now an atheist:

When I started maturing, my mother came into my room, sat down and said, ‘Never touch yourself; it will ruin your marriage.’ That was the extent of my sex education. I knew what she meant but had never had the urge to that point. Over the next year, I began to have urges and thoughts. I resisted doing anything for almost two years, then one night I succumbed and gave myself my first orgasm. The next morning I was so ashamed that I became
sick. I stayed home from school. I cannot express the feelings of filth, disgust and horror that I experienced. I was afraid that I had already ruined my marriage at 14 years of age. I wondered if my future husband would be able to tell and would reject me. Not long after, I became very religious. I hoped to show my devotion to Allah and find a way out of my shame. While I mostly resisted, every so often I would succumb, and the whole process would start again with an even stronger devotion to Allah
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Fortunately, this woman left Islam and happily masturbates or has sex with her boyfriend without any shame or guilt. Her ordeal, however, is shared by millions of women in Islam as well as Christianity, Hinduism, Mormonism and many other religions.

Due to its deep-rooted nature, shame is far harder to erase than guilt. The shamed person actually creates a new identity that incorporates a permanent condition of defilement. Guilt may be forgiven with a prayer or confession, but shame indelibly marks the identity. The shamed person may feel so defiled or diseased that she may engage in irrational, self-defeating behaviors.
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Often she dives deeper into religion, hoping to get some relief.

Shame is often more destructive than guilt, which is why I will focus on it here.

Shame invokes a stronger response from family and community than guilt. A girl may be guilty of disobeying her mother. She may feel guilt and her mother may be angry. She may do extra housework or cooking to get back in her mother’s good graces and then move on. But for a person who violates a shame rule, no amount of penance or praying will wash the spot clean. No amount of forgiveness from mother or father will cleanse the shameful action. Additionally, other people in the community, especially the family, take on the dirt and filth identity. As a result, the girl or woman (and it is mostly focused on women in shaming cultures) is punished and isolated like a leper.

In ancient Greece, the word “aidos” (shame) applied to men and women but with a sexual meaning for women and a more “honor” meaning for men.
Men could be shamed on the battlefield. Women were shamed sexually. According to Greek legend, the goddess Aiskhyne gave people a sense of shame so they would avoid certain behaviors.

In the New Testament (which was originally written in Greek), “aidos” is only used twice, once in reference to female modesty so as not to bring shame on themselves or the community. The other reference is non-specific:

1 Timothy 2:9, KJV,
“In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array.”

At different times in history, Christianity has used shame as an important tool, but the use of shame often requires a tight-knit community or tribe that can punish violators.

With the protestant reformation, the idea of the “priesthood of all believers” pushed Christianity away from shame and more toward guilt. Protestants were accountable directly to their god and must ask him for forgiveness, not a priest or church official. This idea reduced the emphasis on community and increased focus on the individual. That is probably why Christianity, especially Protestantism, places a stronger emphasis on guilt than on shame.

In the West many people marvel at the power of Islam to control people and oppress women so completely that they will wear head-to-toe clothing in 100º F (38º C) heat. Islam has a very different approach to sexual control than Christianity and the two approaches are rooted in their beginnings. Islam began as a tribal religion, whereas Christianity began more as an individual or family religion. Christianity struck out from Palestine, converting one person or one family at a time. After the initial successes and conquests by Mohammed and his tribe, conversions were as much military as spiritual. Mohammed was both a political and military genius and used his success and charisma to convince the superstitious tribes around him that he had Allah on his side. As such, the sword was the instrument of persuasion.

Often an entire tribe converted to Islam. In the Arabian Peninsula there were Jewish, Christian and pagan tribes. The division and conflicts among the many tribes helped Mohammed gain ascendancy and ultimately control. Mohammed took his tribal customs and traditions and injected them into his new religion. Many of the ideas and traditions he implemented were
already contained in the tribes he conquered, so in many cases, no major changes were required of his new followers. For example, most, if not all, of the tribes were polygamous. Women were seen primarily as chattel and under the complete control of their fathers or husbands. The communities of the new Islamic religion in the 600s CE often converted en masse. With minor modifications, they kept practicing their traditions. Mecca was already a major pagan religious shrine; Mohammed conveniently changed it to a place of worship and pilgrimage for Allah.

Practically speaking, Mohammed unified a fractured region under a single religion and did it with a superior military. Conquest, war and male dominance were the hallmarks of Islam. Despite political splits over the centuries, the tribal nature of Islam remains intact.

In contrast, Christianity started out as an underground movement. Christianity did not have the strong and solid tribal roots of Islam. While it may have originated in Judaism, it rapidly left those tribal roots behind. For more than three centuries it had to hide or run from Roman authorities and did not come into its own until the 400s.

In many ways, Islam looks much more like the tribes of ancient Israel than does Christianity. Reading the Old Testament and the Koran side by side, the rules and commandments are remarkably similar. Both allow, even command, the killing of those who do not bow to their god. Both allow sex slaves:

Exodus 21:7-11, NLT,
When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the men are. If she does not please the man who bought her, he may allow her to be bought back again. But he is not allowed to sell her to foreigners, since he is the one who broke the contract with her. And if the slave girl’s owner arranges for her to marry his son, he may no longer treat her as a slave girl, but he must treat her as his daughter. If he himself marries her and then takes another wife, he may not reduce her food or clothing or fail to sleep with her as his wife. If he fails in any of these three ways, she may leave as a free woman without making any payment.

Koran [viii] Sura 24 [The Light], Verse 31,
And say to the believing women that they cast down their looks and guard their private parts and do not display their ornaments except what appears thereof, and let them wear their head-coverings over their bosoms, and not display their ornaments except to
their husbands or their fathers, or the fathers of their husbands, or their sons, or the sons of their husbands, or their brothers, or their brothers’ sons, or their sisters’ sons, or their women, or those whom their right hands possess (female sex slaves), or the male servants not having need (of women) ….

Both give the male head of the family total control and treat women as property with economic and political value. Both are strongly patriarchal and punish women more than men for sexual transgressions. Both have a strong shame focus.

The modern approach of Christianity, based on individualistic guilt, does not allow it to stone people, chop off their heads or shame them into becoming suicide bombers. Were Christianity in a position to put women to death for wearing a bikini, or failing to fast during Lent, there would be far less secularism. That is the advantage of Islam. Fail to fast during Ramadan in Iran or Saudi Arabia or any number of other countries, and you risk bodily harm – to say nothing of wearing a bikini.

How does Islam accomplish this? From birth, its adherents are deeply infected with ideas of honor and shame. When communities of Muslims develop in new countries, they form tight communities that facilitate enforcement of religious principles. If possible, they even set up alternate courts to enforce Shari’a Law. How is this different from the Irish in New York or the Indians in London? The answer is that while such subcultures have their own customs and traditions, none ever successfully implemented separate systems of enforcement equal to Muslim communities. The murder of Theo Van Gogh, the fatwa on Salman Rushdie, the death threats to the former Dutch parliamentarian Ayaan Hirsi Ali,
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the riots, death threats and killings over the Mohammed cartoons, the honor killings of young women in Holland, are all examples of the shame culture of Islam in action.

The simple psychology of shame uses early childhood terror and natural defensive mechanisms to ensure conformity. Sanctions do not need to occur often. As long as children see and hear of them occasionally, they will internalize them. Westerners are horrified at the public beheadings in Saudi Arabia or stories of young girls being killed by their own brothers
for running off with a boyfriend. A Muslim father in Toronto killed his daughter for defying him and writing her boyfriend.

Imagine what such stories do to Muslim children who live inside the culture and communities, even in Western countries. In the secular West, we know such things will not happen to us. Children in Muslim cultures have no such assurances. Even if they have kind, loving, less religious parents, they are still finely tuned to their religion. They easily internalize the terror that such a fate could befall them if they do not adhere to the dictates of Allah.

While men may not suffer shame as much as women, it is still a constant force in the lives of Muslims. Males are responsible for the chastity of all women in their household, for defending the faith and for avenging insults to the religion. They must show courage in battle so as not to bring shame on their families or communities. The male side of Islamic shame requires punitive measures for anyone who would bring imagined filth upon Allah or Mohammed. Therefore, men are compelled to ensure purity within their family and community.

Today, Islam effectively resists secularization primarily because of its use of shame. Within the community, each person’s sexuality is tied to his or her family and to the community. To violate the sexual rules of Allah violates both the family and the community. This powerful distortion allows Islam to remain isolated from secular sexual influences. The terror of social sanction or violence keeps young people from following their heart. It prevents healthy sexual exploration and development in men and women.

Modern cults like Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Scientology are more shame-based than mainstream Christian groups. Cults tend to create a closed community where members are isolated from the rest of the world through deep indoctrination. At the same time, the system requires members to watch one another and report violations of behavior or doctrine to an authority figure.

Shame can be brought upon the family for one person’s behavior. For example, if a Jehovah’s Witness sees another committing a sin, he is obligated to report it to the elders. Two elders then investigate the incident.
If they determine a violation has happened, a three-elder committee meets with the member in a disciplinary meeting. The discipline can be anything from a mild reproach, to a public announcement at the meeting, to being disfellowshipped.

During the discipline meeting, the person is encouraged to reveal if he or she has witnessed others committing sin. The idea is that a person cannot be guilt-free if he has seen others sinning and not reported it. Unlike Islam, Jehovah’s Witnesses have to work in a culture that has competing religions and many secular influences. It is a major task to keep the members isolated from outside ideas. Guilt and shame are the main tools.

Lest I overstate the case, shame is not limited to religion. It can be used without reference to religion or the supernatural, but religions have found shame to be a powerful tool for maintaining religious conformity and to control or limit sexual behavior. Building on our understanding of these psychological tools, let’s look at how these come together to allow many of the abuses perpetuated by religion.

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If you are thinking that guilt and shame sound a lot alike, especially in the extreme, you are correct. Entire books have been written trying to distinguish between the two. To keep the discussion from getting too academic, we are using these simple distinctions.

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Theo Van Gogh was murdered by a Muslim man in Amsterdam for making a short film about women in Islam. His partner, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, was threatened and has been in hiding or guarded since. Similarly, Salman Rushdie is under threat of a fatwah for publishing his book
Satanic Verses
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Guilt is a key tool by which religion controls people. Guilt impedes effective communication and undermines sexual confidence and enjoyment
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“PORNOGRAPHY: The name given to any sexual literature somebody is trying to suppress.”