Sex with the Queen (19 page)

Under interrogation, Culpeper insisted that he was the in-nocent victim of the queen’s unquenchable desire. Catherine, he said, demanded they meet, as she was “languishing and dy-ing for love for him.”59 He finally confessed that “he intended and meant to do ill with the queen and that in like wise the queen so minded to do with him.”60 This was Catherine’s death blow, for if Henry could have forgiven her for an un-chaste past before she met him, he could never do so for sully-ing the marriage bed and taking the risk of presenting him with a spurious heir.

Howard enemies, seizing upon this good fortune, tried to implicate the entire clan in a conspiracy, hoping to topple the too-powerful duke of Norfolk. Many Howard relatives and sup-porters were imprisoned for weeks or months. Indeed, so many were thrown into the Tower that the constable had to move out and give his own rooms to prisoners.

The duke of Norfolk, who had placed two queens on Henry’s throne, both of whom were accused of adultery, was seen stum-bling about the palace wiping tears from his eyes, bewailing that his nieces had caused the king such pain. He wrote a pitiful let-ter to Henry begging him not to “conceive a displeasure” against him, who was “prostrate at your royal feet.”61 He called Cather-ine his “ungrateful niece” and loudly proclaimed that she should be burned alive.62

His histrionics must have worked, for everyone in the clan re-motely involved in the case was tossed in prison except for the duke. Even the squawking old dowager duchess was thrown in jail, though her worst fear was that Catherine, rejected by the king, would be sent back to make trouble once more in the dor-mitory. She was shocked when all Howard prisoners were tried, found guilty of concealing treason, and sentenced to life impris-onment and forfeiture of goods.

Over the ensuing months, however, one by one the prisoners were quietly released and their goods restored to them. Those relatives fortunate enough to avoid prison put on their richest finery and paraded through the streets to show they did not care about Catherine’s fate. The French ambassador reported to his s e x w i t h t h e q u e e n

8 4

king that such behavior was “the custom and must be done to show that they did not share the crimes of their relatives.”63

Imprisoned for three months in Syon House outside of Lon-don, Catherine seemed not to understand what was happening.

Her spirits bounced back and she spent her time “making good cheer, fatter and handsomer than ever.”64 She spent hours in front of the mirror trying on jewelry.

Dereham and Culpeper were sentenced to the full rigor of a traitor’s death, but Culpeper, being a gentleman at court with influential friends, found his sentence commuted to a merciful beheading. It is ironic that the man who had slept with Catherine after her marriage was given a lesser punishment than the man who had slept with her before. On December 10, 1541, the sen-tences were carried out. Dereham, for having robbed the queen of her virginity, was hanged until nearly unconscious, cut down, his private parts cut off and thrown into the fire as he watched; he was then slit open and disemboweled, and finally beheaded.

The heads of Dereham and Culpeper adorned Tower Bridge and slowly rotted; Dereham’s arms and legs graced other buildings.

Manox seems to have disappeared from the scene after his in-terrogation. Detailed Tudor records mention no fine, impris-onment, or execution. Perhaps he fled England, or faded into a welcome mundane life with a woman who would never become a queen.

A new law was passed retroactively that stated if the king should “take a fancy to any woman,” believing her to be “a pure and clean maid when indeed the proof may or shall after appear contrary,” and should the lady “couple herself with her Sover-eign Lord” without informing him of “her unchaste life,” then

“every such offense shall be deemed and adjudged High Trea-son.”65

Most adultery trials of queens were closed, their details hid-den from public view, but Henry invited all the foreign ambas-sadors to witness this one. Indeed, the French ambassador wrote to King François I in Paris, “Many people thought the publica-tion of the foul details strange, but the intention is to prevent it being said afterwards that they were unjustly condemned.”66 And m e d i e v a l q u e e n s , t u d o r v i c t i m s 8 5

condemned they were. On February 11, 1542, Catherine’s death warrant for high treason was signed, along with that of Lady Rochford.

After having lived a thoughtless life, Catherine gave great thought to her death. She asked that a block be brought in to the Tower so she could practice laying her head on it properly and not feel awkward the morning of her execution. Since dying well was considered even more important than living well, for it was the last impression left behind, Catherine met death with a dig-nity she had never possessed in life.

And so Catherine Howard was sacrificed to the vicious ambi-tions of the Howard clan and their jealous enemies. Just as in the sacrifice of an ox in the ancient world, she was laden with flowers and marched to an altar where, soon after, the swift flash of steel ended her life.

s e x w i t h t h e q u e e n

8 6

F O U R

t h e s e v e n t e e n t h c e n t u r y : e s c a p e f r o m

t h e g i l d e d c a g e

For glances beget ogles, ogles sighs,

Sighs wishes, wishes words, and words a letter . . .

And then, God knows what mischief may arise,
When love links two young people in one fetter,
Vile assignations, and adulterous beds,

Elopements, broken vows and hearts and heads.

— l o r d by r o n

I

S e v e n t e e n t h - c e n t u ry m o na r c h s w e r e s o m e w h a t l e s s brutal to their unfaithful wives than Henry VIII; though some queen consorts indeed lost their heads over handsome men, not a single one did so in the literal sense. Many hoped to escape from the servitude of an unhappy marriage, though this was usu-ally only possible in widowhood. A divorce or annulment offered jubilant freedom spiced with disgrace. And some dreamed of true escape, the escape of simply running away.

8 7

M a r i a F r a n c i s c a o f S a v o y , Q u e e n o f P o r t u g a l

“This Disagreeable Frenchwoman”

The summer of 1666, the eighteen-year-old Princess Maria Francisca Isabel de Savoy arrived with her retinue in Lisbon har-bor to marry King Alfonso VI of Portugal. Delighted at the prospect of being a queen, she had turned a deaf ear to rumors that her new husband was fat, impotent, and mentally retarded.

Many people were just jealous, she thought. True, the king had suffered a nearly fatal fever at the age of three which left him slightly paralyzed on his right side. True, his tutors had given up in despair trying to make him sit still and learn something.

True, he had once tried to shoot a comet out of the sky, and his favorite pastime was galloping through the streets with his ruf-fian friends, knocking down pedestrians. But most kings suf-fered from some debility or other, and at twenty-three, he really couldn’t be all that bad.

When the satin-clad crowds rushed onto her ship to welcome their new queen, Maria Francisca looked about for her new hus-band in vain. King Alfonso was in the palace hiding. He did not want to get married and had only agreed to it once he realized a refusal would result in his throne going to his younger brother, Pedro. Pedro, handsome, intelligent, beloved by all. Pedro, whom the Portuguese would have preferred as their king. Al-fonso would do anything to prevent Pedro from ascending the throne, even if it meant that Alfonso, hopelessly impotent, mar-ried a princess.

The king had tried to counter the reputation of his impotence by surrounding himself with the most infamous prostitutes, whom he paid generously to tell stories of his sexual exploits. He even found a little girl who resembled him and, claiming her as his illegitimate daughter, brought her out at public events. The child’s mother was forced to walk along casting longing glances at the king, which he ardently returned. Only later did she swear that she had never had sex with the king, though he had tried, and the child had been fathered by her cousin.

s e x w i t h t h e q u e e n

8 8

Now despite all his efforts at pretended virility, Alfonso had been backed into a corner. If he had stayed a bachelor, his inca-pacity might have been rumored but never proved. Now it was only a matter of time before the whole world knew for sure.

And now, with the bride waiting, Alfonso’s anxious minis-ters finally prevailed upon the king to row out to the ship. At first glance Maria Francisca finally understood all the rumors about her new husband. He was so terribly obese that he looked like a huge barrel set on two stubby pegs. Too lazy to leave his bed for meals, Alfonso was served his huge portions lying down. Required to hear Mass in the morning, he allowed the priests to celebrate it in his bedroom but insisted they not wake him.

Alfonso was so terrified of catching cold when he did venture forth that he wore six or seven mismatched coats, one on top of the other, and three or four hats, perched one on top of the other. When this epitome of royal grandeur was presented to his lovely bride, he made a face—a grin thought some, a grimace said others—and left. The new queen looked with shock at the un-gainly bulk of her retreating husband, and then her eyes strayed to his handsome, slender brother bowing before her. It must have been a relief to her in the coming months that her repulsive husband never once touched her. The king rarely set foot in the queen’s apartments, but his brother visited for several hours each day. Bereft of a real husband, Maria Francisca became close—some said too close—to her brother-in-law.