Shadow of Hope (12 page)

The lights began to fade one-by-one until only Gaia remained. “Love conquers all, without
it we are nothing. Blessings my children.” Then she was gone.

Gran looked around
. “Where are we now Zoe?”

Zoe and Evan both laughed. “We’re going home Gran.

With that, her grandmother was gone and only Zoe, Evan and two dead bodies remained. She glanced around then looked up into Evan’s deep brown eyes, grief and exhaustion of the past several days catching up with her; she clutched his strong frame and sobbed.

Chapter: Eighteen

The past few days were a blur. She made it through the funeral and open house, the interviews at the police station which fortunately were short thanks to her dad friends. Now she sat in her room, trying to sort through all the events from the past week.

It was crazy that so many things had changed in her life in short a period. Her grandmother came and visited more often, and she was glad, but it didn’t replace the relationship that could have been with her dad. She was grateful things ended with everything in the open, she didn’t have any regrets, and instead she had a hole where her new found fathers love should have been.

She wondered where Evan was and if he was okay. She hadn’t seen him since the funeral. Thinking about him made her head spin. She felt connected to him and she felt a loss where her soul knew he should be. There was a knock at the door; she glanced at the clock, six o’clock that would be Crystal bringing her dinner.

“Come on in.”

The door opened and Evan stood there and placed the tray on the dresser. “Crystal said you haven’t been out of your room in a few days.”

She nodded, wanting to say more, but the words eluded her.

“You need to get up. Your dad wouldn’t want you to lock yourself up in here.”

“I know and I will. I need a little time. I feel like I’ve been sucker punched when I think about him.” She wrapped her arms around herself, the emptiness inside consuming the light from within.

“I, ah wanted to talk to you, but I think I’ll wait until you’re feeling better.” Evan sat down in a chair at the end of the bed.

“I’m not going to feel better for some time, if ever. Whatever you want to say, just say it.” Her heart lodged in her throat. He wasn’t looking at her. Now that the crisis was over and she was no longer in danger, his obligation to her safety ended. He never had the option to be from this family commitment until now. If she were him, where would she go? What would she do?

He cleared his throat and let out a long sigh. “I don’t really know where to begin.”

She sat up on the edge of the bed and walked over to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. “You have your freedom. I hope you do something wonderful with it.”

She hoped he wouldn’t look up and see her glassy eyes. She needed to do this for him. He sacrificed everything for her safety. The least she could do was make this easy for him.

“It’s not about my freedom. I have all these mixed emotions. Things I believed my whole life I’m now questioning. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“I can only imagine. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

Before the words left her mouth she knew it was a mistake to say them, but she cared for this man and wanted nothing more than to see him happy, even if that meant he was with someone else. As the thought raced through her mind of Evan with another woman, her stomach clenched and she swallowed the sob that threatened to escape.

He went to lift his head and she moved closer placing both hands on his back, rubbing back and forth. He relaxed and kept his head down. She needed to try and pull herself together. She didn’t want to make this difficult on him.

“I need some time.”

As those words left his lips her heart felt like it was being ripped from her chest. She prayed for strength, she prayed for the ability to be invisible. She wanted to disappear. Those words were the beginning to the end. He was saying goodbye, and she had already said that to enough people she didn’t know if she could do it again.

She forced the words out of her mouth, and then only in a whisper. “I know.”

He stood, but she turned away. Her resolve and ability to be strong were failing fast. He needed to leave before she broke down… again.

He placed his hands on her shoulders, and she motioned for him to go.

“Zoe, this isn’t forever. I just need to figure out who I am. Where do I go from here? And I can’t do that when I’m near you.”

“I know, now please go.”

He reached out again, his fingers tracing her shirt, she pulled away.

“I don’t want to leave things between us like this,” he said.

“I know and I wish could be stronger, and tell you all the things you want to hear, but I can’t. The best I can do is wish you a happy life. You’ve given up so much for me, I’ll always be grateful for that. You deserve happiness, and I hope you find it.” Tears ran down her cheeks. He needed to leave before she begged him to stay. Told him she loved him. Let him know how happy they could be together. She whispered, “Goodbye Evan,” then walked over to the window.

The last thing she heard was the door close.

****

Evan slammed his hands on the steering wheel. The hurt he heard in Zoe’s voice was like a punch in the gut. He didn’t want to hurt her, but doing else would be a lie, and that wasn’t something he couldn’t do. He pulled down the long drive and glanced back in the mirror, as the house got smaller the hole in his heart grew larger.
It has to be this way.
Maybe if he kept telling himself that, he would believe this was for the best too.

Chapter: Nineteen

Six months later

Zoe sat under a large oak tree. The wind blew the scent of lilacs from the bushes across the field. She decided to take an extended leave from work. She missed her co-workers and taking care of the animals, but she needed a fresh start.

She went into the city once to clean out her apartment. She decided if she did go back
, she would find another place, one without the memories attached to her old one. It took everything she had not to stop by the homeless shelter and gym. She wanted to see Evan. She didn’t need to speak to him, but she wanted to know he was okay. He filled her every thought for the first few weeks, but it was getting easier with the passing of time. She could go days before something reminded her of him.

Regret weighed
heavy on her heart. She regretted not telling him she loved him. A relationship wouldn’t have worked anyway, or that’s what she told herself to keep the pain of heartbreak at bay. She inhaled the fresh scent and exhaled with a sigh. She was positive there was
something
she should be doing, but at the moment doing
nothing
calmed her mind, and cleansed her soul.

She relaxed and the breeze was gone. She gained better control of her
newfound powers every day. She looked into joining the division of government her dad worked in. She could use her powers for good. Have some control of her life. But the thought of leaving permanently meant she and Evan would have no future together. It was a hard fact to accept, but it was the truth.

Crystal approached and knelt down beside her. She had fine lines around her eyes that weren’t there before everything happened. Zoe feared she
was the one who put them there. Her love for her sisters is what motivated her to get her life moving again. She didn’t want them to worry about her anymore.

“How are you doing?” Crystal asked.

“Good, just contemplating my future and options.” Zoe smiled and clasped Crystal’s hand.

“The future? Well that’s good, I guess. You know you don’t have to go anywhere. This is your home and you can stay here forever.”

Zoe reached over and hugged her. “Thanks, but I feel like I should be doing something to help people.”

She sat back down and Crystal sat beside her.

“There are all kinds of ways to help people,” Crystal said.

Zoe laughed. “I know. Don’t worry I won’t do anything without giving it a lot of thought.”

“You know Evan-”

“He’s not coming back. For all I know he could have another girlfriend
. Not that I mean
I
was his girlfriend, but he may be seeing someone else by now.”

Crystal pushed her should
er in a playful manner. “You know that’s not true. He loves you Zoe, but this,” she opened her arms and motioned around the farm. “-is unfamiliar to him, we and our way of living is unfamiliar. That’s a lot of changes and he needs time to figure things out.”

“It’s been six months and I haven’t heard from him. I don’t think he wants to be with me. I think all of this,” she waved her arms around
. “-scares the shit out of him. He had his whole life planned out for him and now he’s got a get out of jail free card. He’s probably lounging on the beach somewhere.”

Crystal laughed, slapping her hands on her legs. “Evan on the beach? But where would he hide his sword? Maybe they have a
new ‘knights of summer’ line?” She laughed until tears streaked down her face.

Zoe’s expression remained
blank, and she held in any thoughts of laughter, until Crystal started rolling on the ground.

“Maybe that line will include a loop on the side so he has a place to hold his sword, while he lounges in the sand.” She could barely get the words out she laughed so hard.

“Maybe he’d wear swim shorts and not the Speedo you’re imaging him in.” Zoe glanced at Crystal and she started laughing too. She could imagine him strutting around on the beach with his sword leaving a line in the sand as he walked. She stopped laughing at looked at Crystal, sober. “He’s not coming back.”

Crystal wrapped her arms around Zoe. “You don’t know that. I saw him look at you and
if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that the boy is in love with you.”

“But will that be enough?” Zoe asked.

****

Evan mounted his 1950 Harley WL, a gift from the only father he really knew
, Chris. He wondered if Zoe still viewed him as a knight in shining armor. In fact, he almost felt like a deserter. But there were things he needed to do, obligations he couldn’t run from, and he didn’t want Zoe to be burdened with his concerns.

She had enough to worry about as it was.

****

The dark haired woman answered the door on his third knock. Though her hair was flecked with grey, she still bore the strength and quiet presence he always remembered. When her eyes lit on him, she put her hand to her mouth, stifling a cry. Tears cascaded down her shallow cheeks. Her strength faltered.

Evan wrapped his arms around his mother and held her as she sobbed softly into his strong chest. He could feel the frailty in her, and he damned himself for ever treating her and his father so cruelly. He saw that he was no knight. A knight took care of the people he loved, or at least felt burdened by the need of those close to him, in blood if not in heart.

In this regard
, he failed his mother, failed his father and, worst of all or close to it, and failed Zoe. Even now he wondered if she could ever forgive him for being so close, and yet so far away.

He helped his mother to her lounger. She was shaking as he eased her down into the plush leather. Her hand refused to let go of him. “I thought…I thought you were dead,” she whispered weakly.

“I was,” he said, the moisture stinging his eyes. He put his hands on hers.

“Mother, a lot as happened in the last several days. I…I’ve changed. Become a newer, better man.”

His mother wiped the moisture from her eyes, and was silent several seconds. Evan was afraid his words were lost on her, and he wasn’t sure he could blame her. After all the things he’d done to this woman who brought him into this world, the things he said-

“You were
always
a better man, Evan. You were just lost. Lost in the cause. Lost in your need to do good. In becoming something better by man’s standards, you became less and less yourself every day. Just like your father,” she said, as a fresh cascade threatened to make its way down her cheeks.

Evan looked away, afraid of his own unshed tears betraying his sorrow.
Father. How could I have been so cruel?
“I’m sorry. For what I said when-”

She grasped his hands fiercely. “I cannot forgive you for that, my son.”

Her words were worse than any blow he’d ever received, in the ring or otherwise. If a man’s own mother could not forgive him, he was truly lost indeed. No less, however, did he deserve it.

“For how can I do what has already been done? I forgave you the day I received your letter. I knew that
, like your father, only time could heal certain wounds.”

“Then he-” He feared to give voice to the depth of his own cruelty. If his father had changed, had become…something more…how much less did that make
him?

His mother nodded slowly.
“He died with only one regret. That he couldn’t be there for you as he was there for everyone else.”

The watershed broke, and Evan cradled his mother, sobbing softly into her breast.

****

Evan knelt before the headstone. He rubbed his hand over each word, feeling the sorrow anew as if the event had occurred just yesterday.

In Loving Memory of Chris. Faithful father, husband, and hero. Always far from home, but never forgotten.

Evan removed the dog tags Zoe had let him keep. He looked at the Templar insignia now emblazoned on the other side, in honor of the memory of a man who was a warrior out of time. A soldier, who lived in this day and age, yet belonged in ages far more distant.

“You were the true knight, Chris. You couldn’t be with her because you were protecting her. I was close to her, but ever so distant.”

He pulled out Edge from a gym bag at his side. He held it in his hands, balancing it, the dog tags now resting on top of it. “This should have been yours from the very start, friend.
Father.
”

A hand rested on his shoulder, and only decades of rigid combat training kept him from jumping and turning to face the foreign presence. He heard a soft female voice. “A man who makes no sacrifices to protect
that, which he loves, has not truly loved at all.”

The voice was familiar, and yet so foreign to his ears. “Is that supposed to be some small form of consolation
?” Evan asked with more bitterness than he intended.

There was a heavy sigh. “Life is pregnant with tragedy. But the birth of Hope…can warm even the coldest of hearts. But enough sorrow for this day. I have brought you a visitor.”

The hand left his shoulder. Evan recognized an invitation when he saw it. He set down the sword and dog tags rose to his feet and turned. A man stood before him, one he had never seen before, but would recognize anywhere. He fell to his feet weeping, and held out his hands to his Lord and Savior, Christ.

Jesus knelt down and wrapped his arms around Evan, holding him tightly as hot tears spilled freely from his eyes down his strong cheeks. “My son, your friend, you
r father, and Zoe’s ancestors rest within my bosom now, free from all the pain of the world.”

Evan gritted his teeth. “Why?
Why?
You are the supreme ruler of all the heavens! Why must it come to this?”

Jesus lowered his head. “I could remove all suffering from the world, true. But if I did that, then there would be no Hope, for suffering and Hope walk hand-in-hand.”

Evan contemplated that. He found no answer. He found he could not even begin to understand his Master’s words. Everything he had been taught was a lie to some degree, and he wondered if this was any exception. Yet the truth stared at him like a painful, tangible obstacle. There was no light, without the dark.

Jesus nodded to Gaia. “She wishes to speak to you alone.”

He walked out of earshot, yet remained within sight. Gaia knelt next to Evan. “Transitions are difficult, yet at times, beautiful things. I am sure you have many questions.”

Evan felt like he was being crushed by a massive millstone hung about his neck. The burden of his past, the uncertainty of his future…it was all so much to take in. “There is no purpose for the Sword now. Even were I to give it up, and bear children, an heir…its purpose has been fulfilled, and there is no use for it anymore in this world. What now lies in store for me and those who follow in my footsteps?”

Gaia smiled. “A better world. A stronger world. A world where the sword does not determine a man’s fate. A world of Peace.”

Evan looked up at Jesus, who appeared to be contemplating the leaves on a nearby oak. He wondered how much he really heard or didn’t hear. It was hard to imagine the supreme ruler of the universe playing at selective hearing. Gaia followed his gaze and laughed. “He can be quite the mischievous one at times, I assure you.”

Evan’s eyes widened as he looked to her. “You…you
know
him?”

Gaia smiled again. “Far better than people of either ‘religion’ assume.”

Evan wasn’t sure what to say. Before all this happened, his next question would have never even occurred to him, yet before he could stop it; it was out of his mouth. “You mean, like-”

Her eyes twinkled. “I assure you, every god has his secrets. But if we told mortals everything, where would be the fun in life?”

Evan’s mouth opened wide, and then shut again. He figured he had enough taste of leather soles, no sense shoving more in his mouth. Gaia kissed him on the cheek.

“That childish wonder, the lack of knowledge of right and wrong, proper and improper is the spice of life,” she whispered in his ear. “Lose that wonder and you lose the world. It is for no small reason your Lord forbid access to the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. He is much aware that the innocence of a child is the strength of all mankind.”

She stood and caressed his cheek. “But now I must take my leave, fair knight. Remove the burden of knowledge from your back, let another worry of the blade, and chose what feels right here,” she said, placing her hand over his heart.

“For in this
, you may at times be wrong, but with the sincerity of goodness, and no aforethought of evil.”

She walked over to where Jesus stood and placed her hand in his. He turned and smiled at Evan. “Expect me at odd hours. I am not overly fond of schedules.”

Jesus turned to Gaia. “Shall we then, sister?”

They were gone, just like that, and Evan chuckled to himself. It seemed he had much to relearn in the coming days. He walked down to the base of the hill on which Chris rested, in name at least, and turned once more to say good-bye. The sun crested the hill now, Chris’ tombstone backlit by the most beautiful sunset Evan had ever seen. Next to it stood Edge, planted blade down in the ground, Chris’ dog tags dangling silently from the hilt. Evan saluted and turned, walking down the winding dirt road. His mind made
up; there would be no turning back.