Authors: Sarah McCarty
The narrowing of his eyes was the only indication of his surprise. “I always mean it with you.”
Holding his gaze, she turned her head and kissed the inside of his wrist. “Good.”
Heat flared in his gaze. And answering heat gathered in her core. What was it about this man?
“There’s time enough for that later, you two,” Ida called, breaking into the moment. “Right now supper is waiting.”
Shadow didn’t let her go immediately. Fei didn’t want to go. When he touched her, there was a feeling that there was so much more to come. That
they
were so much more.
Ida heaped ham on the platter. “Lin and Fei, you bring that stuff over to the table, you hear? Michael, you go sit down. We’ll get you something to eat.”
Ida grabbed a cup out of the cupboard and filled it from another pot. The smell of coffee wafted by as she set the cup on the table. “I know you don’t want any tea,” she told Shadow.
“Thank you.” The smile Shadow gave Ida was different than the one he gave her, Fei realized. It was still warm but lacked…intimacy. Inside Fei that warmth built. His smile for her was special.
“It’s for sure I’ve been missing your coffee,” Shadow told Ida.
The older woman nodded brusquely. “Take a seat now. It’s not fancy tonight, but it’ll fill you up.”
When everyone was seated and their plates full, Ida took a sip of her tea. “Now you can tell me, Michael, what foolishness you’ve got yourself involved with this time.”
Shadow took a bite of salad. “Just a misunderstanding, Ida.”
“I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re lying to me. You got the look of trouble riding you and it has nothing to do with those yahoos outside. Does it have anything to do with these two?” The sweep of Ida’s hand indicated Fei and Lin.
“Now, why would you think that?”
Fei kept her gaze on her plate.
“As much as I like you, Michael, you’re a hard man. Hard to know and hard to love. There’s no way you’d meet anything this sweet through ordinary means.”
“And yet, I’m married to her.”
“Which is why I’m asking you for the story.”
Fei tensed, wondering what he would say.
“What can I say? I took one look at her face and fell into her arms.”
It wasn’t a lie. It also wasn’t the truth.
Under the table, Lin took her hand and squeezed. Fei squeezed back. “So you two really are married?”
“For the moment.”
“What does that mean? Either you’re married, or you’re not.”
That was becoming Fei’s opinion. This back-and-forth was wearing on her nerves. And she could not help but think that maybe the ancestors had known what they were doing when they had brought Shadow to her life. She took a bite of salad. Ida was right, the dressing did taste like heaven.
Taking a sip of his coffee, Shadow dashed her hopes with dismissive calm.
“I’m just getting Lin and Fei back to their people. They ran into some trouble a few days back.”
“Where are your people?” Ida asked.
“San Francisco,” Lin answered. Fei couldn’t. Her breath had stopped coming after Shadow’s words.
“It’s a long way between here and there, especially for two girls alone.”
“Lin has family a couple towns over. They’ll escort them.”
Ida speared some salad. “Do they
know
they’ll be escorting her?”
“As soon as they get the telegram I’m sending, they will.”
The food turned to ash in Fei’s mouth. Now she knew. No matter how pleasurable their time together, Shadow didn’t want her. Despite all her vows that it would never happen, she’d ended up a concubine anyway. But it least it had been on her terms. It wasn’t as bracing a thought as it should have been.
“I’m sorry,” Lin whispered beneath her breath.
Fei tucked her head, relying on her years of deportment training to hide her distress.
“Xei-xei,”
she whispered.
“Ah, so you’ve got a few days,” Ida said.
“Yup.”
Fei couldn’t bring herself to eat.
“So, who are you hiding from?”
“What makes you think I’m hiding?”
“Please, Michael. It’s a safe bet it was a long ride here and those horses didn’t look lathered, which means you waited outside town for dark.”
“I was coming in with two women. You know how people are. No sense getting them stirred up for no reason.”
“But you’ve got someone stirred up.”
Fei licked her lips. “That was my fault.”
“Your fault?”
Ida said it as if Fei was incapable of causing trouble.
“I did not like where my cousin was staying. I insisted she leave. There were hard feelings.”
“Must have been some fight to have you on the run.”
“Let it go, Ida,” Shadow ordered.
“Seems every time you ride in here, Michael, you’re telling me to let something go. You’d think by now you’d learn it only makes me more curious.”
Fei forced a piece of ham into her mouth.
Lin spoke up. “He is protecting my honor.”
“Now,
that
I do believe.”
“Fei stole me back from men who would do me harm.”
“You were stolen.”
Lin lowered her eyes and shook her head. Fei knew how embarrassed she was. For a woman of good family to be sold as little more than a slave was an immeasurable loss of face.
Fei swallowed the piece of ham. For a horrible moment she thought it would stick. “My father became ill. In his last days he did things that made no sense.”
Ida looked between the three. “He sold your cousin, didn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“Lucky for you that you had family who cared enough to get you.”
Lin nodded. “Yes.” Her voice was a bare whisper.
“How long before your cousin fetched you back?” Ida asked.
“A week.”
Ida reached over and patted Lin’s hand. “Men can be beasts, honey, but the Lord made women so that we can endure. You’re going to live a lot longer than any of those men who hurt you. You live well and make that your revenge.”
“They did not…hurt me,” Lin explained. Her slight hesitation gave her words significance.
Shadow’s head came up and Lin looked away. Fei didn’t know what to do.
“You were stolen away for a week and nobody touched you?” he asked.
Oh, dear.
Dangerous territory. Beneath the table Fei kicked Lin’s leg in warning. Shadow cocked an eyebrow at her.
Oh, rats. Wrong leg.
“Fei helped me.”
“How’d you do that?” Shadow asked.
“I did nothing.” Trying to catch Lin’s eye, she put just the slightest emphasis on “nothing.”
“She gave me the elixir.”
“What elixir?” Shadow asked, sitting up straighter.
“The special one that makes men not interested.”
Ida started to chuckle.
Shadow frowned. “By not interested, you mean…?”
Ida’s chuckle turned to all-out laughter as comprehension dawned.
“Are you telling me, girl, that you doused the boy with saltpeter?”
“The hell you did!”
Fei winced at Shadow’s exclamation and licked her lips. “It was necessary.”
“The hell it was!”
This time she did not wince. This time she met his gaze squarely. “It was very necessary.”
“Don’t mind the boy.” Ida waved off Shadow’s concern. “There isn’t a man alive that can rest peaceably with a woman messing with that part of his anatomy.”
She said that so easily, as if a man’s anger was nothing.
“There isn’t a man who should,” Shadow snapped.
“Nor is there a man who should see it as his right to rape as he wills,” Fei snapped back.
To her surprise, Shadow nodded. “True, but damn, woman, that’s a harsh solution.”
“I believe your solution to that crime has always been death,” Ida interjected.
“Death’s cleaner,” Shadow muttered, shifting in his chair.
“I did not give enough to be permanent,” Fei offered.
Ida laughed. “Well that’s a blessing.”
“Mr. Culbart wasn’t happy,” Lin interrupted quietly.
“Can’t imagine he was,” Shadow said dryly.
“Oh, my goodness.” Ida laughed harder. “It was
Culbart
you doused with saltpeter? That man’s as randy as a billy goat and right proud of it.”
“He is not so proud anymore,” Lin said with surprising vehemence.
“I can’t imagine that he is! It does beg the question why he wants you back, though.”
“I am hoping by now he has found a more willing woman.”
“And one that doesn’t make him into a limp noodle,” Ida interjected.
Shadow nudged Fei’s arm, getting her attention. “You got any more of that elixir?” She nodded. He held out his hand. “I’ll take it.”
“It’s in my pack.”
Leaning back in his chair, he smiled a smile with no warmth, “I’ll wait.”
At that, Ida grabbed her sides and howled, gasping for breath, managing to get out between guffaws, “You’ve got him running scared, girl.”
As Fei stood, she realized she didn’t want Shadow running scared. She didn’t want him running at all.
CHAPTER TEN
“H
ERE
WE
ARE
.
This is your room,” Ida told Fei, handing her some candles, soap and towels.
Fei nodded. “Thank you.” She hesitated in front of the door.
“Nervous?”
Fei nodded and touched her fingers to the glass knob. “We have not been married long.”
“Well, I’ve known Michael a long time and have never known him to be anything but honorable.”
That knowledge didn’t extend to his real name, which begged the question just how much of Ida’s opinion about the man could be trusted.
“When I met him, they were hanging him for stealing a horse.”
Ida’s eyebrows went up. “Michael steal? Michael’s never had to steal a thing in his life. Horses, women, they all come to him. He was born on the wrong side of luck, but he’s been pulling himself up ever since.”
“I do not know what that means.”
Ida patted her shoulder. “It means you have a good man and no reason to worry, but if you’re wanting to sleep alone tonight you let me know and I’ll put your husband elsewhere.”
Fei would love to sleep alone tonight, not to worry about who she had to be or what was going to happen. But at the same time she had so few nights left with Shadow. Wasting them might be a large regret.
“He does not intend to stay married.”
“I heard him.” Ida smoothed her hair. “I also saw the way he looks at you.”
“He desires me.”
“And you desire him.”
She blushed and nodded.
“More important, you like him.” Ida patted her shoulder. “That’s a better base than most marriages have.”
“But he intends to send me away.”
“He’s doing what he thinks is best. That’s what people who care about each other do.”
“For him or for me?”
“If it was the best for him, he’d keep you locked in the bedroom and to heck with the consequences.”
Ida was right. “I still do not like it.”
“I don’t imagine he does, either, but even if you never see him again, it wasn’t because he didn’t care. So that’s something to hold on to. Now,” Ida asked brusquely, “where do you want your husband?”
Where indeed? Did she want to hold her hurt or the man? “Here would be fine.”
Ida smiled. “I’d want him with me, too. It’s good to have memories, even the bittersweet ones.”
“I hope so.” Because by the time this was over, Fei was going to have a heap to remember. And maybe regret, but her choices were limited and the answers to the ones she could pose always pointed in one direction. Shadow. He was the choice she’d started with and the one she kept coming back to. Bidding Ida good-night, she entered the room and shut the door behind her. Leaning back against it, she closed her eyes.
What are you telling me, ancestors?
There was no answer. Taking her pack, Fei dropped it on a chair by the bed. She wasn’t sure what to do. Should she sit on the bed and wait? Stand by the door? And what was she waiting for? A husband who wanted to bed her? A stranger who wanted her to leave? Or a friend who rested somewhere in between? Whatever Shadow decided to be, when he came through that door, it didn’t change who she was. And how she chose to respond to him was her business. No one else’s. And she’d already decided she wanted to hold the man.
Placing the soap and towel on the bed stand, she poured a little water into the basin. Dipping her hand in, she let the cool water flow over her fingers, watching the ripples distort the image of her skin. If she believed what she was seeing, her hand was dissolving, insubstantial. But she wasn’t afraid, because she knew what was real. Maybe that’s all that mattered. Maybe it didn’t matter what Shadow wanted. Maybe the difference lay in her perception of what others believed. If she was going to be her own woman and run her own life, then that meant she had to make her own decisions. And be comfortable with the reactions they brought about.
She turned at the sound of a soft knock on the door. “Come in.”
Shadow came in, saddlebags over his shoulder, hat in his hand. He didn’t ask permission to close the door, just did it. She rather liked that decisiveness in him. He put the saddlebags down by the chair opposite the bed and hung his hat on a spindle on the back.
“Did you really dose Culbart?”
She nodded.
“Dangerous game you played there.”
“It was the only thing I could think to do.”
“Men who can’t perform tend to get testy.”
“Yes, but I was hoping he would not be so testy for a few more days, until I got the gold to buy Lin back.”
He nodded. “But you ran out of time.”
“Yes. His testiness was quicker than desired.”
“How much did he want for your cousin?”
“One thousand dollars.”
Shadow whistled through his teeth. “That’s a lot of money.”
“Are you implying my cousin isn’t worth it?”
“No, I’m thinking he’d want to know where you came up with it if you got it, which would just borrow a whole lot of trouble.”
“I don’t think he thought I could. I think it was a joke to him.”
“I’m thinking it might have been part joke, and part of it might have been curiosity. You didn’t, by any chance, bring any gold into the assayer’s office, did you?”
“As I said before, just a little.”
“Ah.”
“What does ‘ah’ mean?”
“‘Ah’ means you’re damn lucky you didn’t get the gold you wanted to buy your cousin back and you’re damn lucky Culbart’s patience ran out and you dragged her out of there, because if you’d gotten the money to buy her, he would have been after you for your claim.”
“I didn’t think of that.”
“I’m not surprised. He had you over a barrel and he was pretty confident he could keep you there.”
“Yes.”
“How did your cousin end up with Culbart anyway? She’s a decent girl, of good family. I can’t believe your father selling her didn’t raise some eyebrows.”
“Culbart is a powerful man.”
“Your father seemed to be, too, amidst the railroad, at least. If your father had said no, I doubt Culbart would have up and stolen her.”
“The illness my father had made him think strangely. Act strangely. Become sly. I do not think anyone but my father and Culbart truly know what my father did. And only my father knew why.”
“And you.”
“No. I do not know the why.” She would never know that now.
He unbuttoned his shirt and rolled up his sleeves. “Did your father know about your claim?”
“My father?”
“Yes, your father. Did you tell him about the claim?”
“I am his daughter.”
“You just got done telling me he was ill and not thinking straight at the end of his life. A smart daughter would not be telling a man like that secrets.” He soaped his hands, picked hers up and washed them gently, sliding his fingers over her palms, between them, massaging the muscles at the base of her thumb and in the center of her palm. It felt surprisingly good.
She didn’t hear any censure in his voice. “It was my father who found the gold, but then forgot, but no, I did not remind my father of the claim.”
“You were buying your way out from under him, too, weren’t you?”
She nodded.
“Did he know?”
She shook her head. “He did not even suspect. Chinese daughters do not leave their homes unless they go with a husband.”
“But you’ve decided to be American.”
“Yes.” It was hard to concentrate with him standing so close behind her, his hands on hers, the heat of his body wrapping around her like a hug. All she needed to do was step away. That was all. It was the one thing she couldn’t do.
“Hard choices.”
“Yes.”
He handed her a towel, then picked up a washcloth and dipped it in the water. He rubbed soap into it.
“Turn around.”
She did, but he didn’t back up. His hips touched her groin, her breasts his chest, his finger under her chin lifted her face for the gentle wipe of the facecloth.
“What’s your choice going to be tonight, Fei?”
“What do you mean?”
“I may not be as honorable a man as Ida let on. Not when it comes to you. It means the day after tomorrow, when Lin’s relatives come for her, I am going to send you with them. Give you your fresh start. But tonight, tonight I’m feeling selfish. Tonight I want to know what it’s like to make love to my wife in a bed.”
He wasn’t making sense. “What do you do, Shadow?”
“The hell if I know.”
The cloth stroked over her cheek and down over her chin to her neck, hitting the barrier of her collar and then sliding sideways over the nape. It felt cool and wonderful. His hands felt cool and wonderful.
“I’ve always been on the outside looking in, Fei. Other people’s lives. Other people’s families. Other people’s loves. I’ve got a price on my head and that’s not going to change. Keeping you with me would just bury you with me, and that I won’t do.”
“But you want tonight.”
“Yeah.” The first three buttons of her shirt surrendered to his fingers without a whisper of a protest. “Bastard that I am, I want my wedding night.”
“I do not know what the female equivalent of a bastard is.”
He blinked, cocked his eyebrow at her, and the cloth paused at her collarbone.
“But I want my wedding night, too. I want to stay with you.”
“I won’t force you.”
“I know.”
“You’ve got people waiting for you.”
He didn’t understand the hierarchy in family. Didn’t understand where her mixed blood put her. She didn’t correct him.
“You can start over in San Francisco.”
Yes, she could. She wasn’t going to, but she could.