Read Shatter Me Complete Collection Online
Authors: Tahereh Mafi
Anderson is standing over me now, pointing a gun at my face.
He shoots.
Again.
Once more.
I close my eyes and pull deep, deep within myself for my last dregs of strength, because somehow, some instinct inside of my body is still screaming at me to stay alive. I remember Sonya and Sara telling me once that our energies could be depleted. That we could overexert ourselves. That they were trying to make medicines to help with that sort of thing.
I wish I had that kind of medicine right now.
I blink up at Anderson, his form blurring at the edges. He’s standing just behind my head, the toes of his shiny boots touching the top of my skull. I can’t hear much but the echoes in my bones, can’t see anything other than the bullets raining down around me. He’s still shooting. Still unloading his gun into my body, waiting for the moment when he knows I won’t be able to hold on any longer.
I’m dying, I think. I must be. I thought I knew what it
felt like to die, but I must’ve been wrong. Because this is a whole different kind of dying. A whole different kind of pain.
But I suppose, if I have to die, I may as well do one more thing before I go.
I reach up. Grab Anderson’s ankles. Clench my fists.
And crush his bones in my hands.
His screams pierce the haze of my mind, long enough to bring the world back into focus. I’m blinking fast, looking around and able to see clearly for the first time. Kenji is slumped in the corner. Blond boy is on the floor.
Anderson has been disconnected from his feet.
My thoughts are sharper all of a sudden, like I’m in control again. I don’t know if this is what hope does to a person, if it really has the power to bring someone back to life, but seeing Anderson writhing on the floor does something to me. It makes me think I still have a chance.
He’s screaming so much, scrambling back and dragging himself across the floor with his arms. He’s dropped his gun, clearly too pained and too petrified to reach for it any longer, and I can see the agony in his eyes. The weakness. The terror. He’s only now understanding the horror of what’s about to happen to him. How it had to happen to him. That he would be brought to nothing by a silly little girl who was too much of a coward, he said, to defend herself.
And it’s then that I realize he’s trying to say something
to me. He’s trying to talk. Maybe he’s pleading. Maybe he’s crying. Maybe he’s begging for mercy. But I’m not listening anymore.
I have absolutely nothing to say.
I reach back, pull the gun out of my holster.
And shoot him in the forehead.
I tuck the gun back into its holster. Walk over to Kenji’s limp, still-breathing form, and throw him over my shoulder.
I kick down the door.
Walk directly back down the hall.
Kick my way through the entry to Sonya and Sara’s room, and drop Kenji on the bed.
“Fix him,” I say, hardly breathing now. “Please fix him.”
I drop to my knees.
Sonya and Sara are on in an instant. They don’t speak. They don’t cry. They don’t scream. They don’t fall apart. They immediately get to work and I don’t think I have ever loved them more than I do in this moment. They lay him out flat on the bed, Sara standing on one side of him, Sonya on the other, and they hold their hands to his head, first. Then his heart.
Then they alternate, taking turns forcing life back into different parts of his body until Kenji is stirring, his eyes flickering but not opening, his head whipping back and forth.
I’m beginning to worry, but I’m too afraid, and too tired to move, not even an inch.
Finally, finally, they step back.
Kenji’s eyes still aren’t open.
“Did it work?” I ask, terrified to hear the answer.
Sonya and Sara nod. “He’s asleep,” they say.
“Will he get better? Fully?” I ask, desperate now.
“We hope,” Sonya says.
“But he’ll be asleep for a few days,” Sara says.
“The damage was very deep,” they say together. “What happened?”
“Pressure waves,” I tell them, my words a whisper. “He shouldn’t have been able to survive at all.”
Sonya and Sara are staring at me, still waiting.
I force myself to my feet. “Anderson is dead.”
“You killed him,” they whisper. It’s not a question.
I nod.
They’re staring at me, slack-jawed and stunned.
“Let’s go,” I say. “This war is over. We have to tell the others.”
“But how will we get out?” Sara asks.
“There are soldiers everywhere,” Sonya says.
“Not anymore,” I tell them, too tired to explain, but so grateful for their help. For their existence. For the fact that they’re still alive. I offer them a small smile before walking over to the bed, and haul Kenji’s body up and over my shoulders. His chest is curved over my back, one of his arms thrown over my left shoulder, the other hanging in front of me. My right arm is wrapped around both his legs.
I hoist him higher up on my shoulders.
“Ready?” I say, looking at the two of them.
They nod.
I lead them out the door and down the halls, forgetting for a moment that I have no idea how to actually exit this ship. But the halls are lifeless. Everyone is either injured, unconscious, or gone. We sidestep fallen bodies, shift arms and legs out of the way. We’re all that’s left.
Me, carrying Kenji.
Sonya and Sara close behind.
I finally find a ladder. Climb up. Sonya and Sara hold Kenji’s weight between them and I reach down to haul him up. We have to do this three more times, until we’re finally on the top deck, where I toss him up over my shoulders for the final time.
And then we walk, silently, across the abandoned ship, down the pier, and back onto dry land. This time, I don’t care about stealing tanks. I don’t care about being seen. I don’t care about anything but finding my friends. And ending this war.
There’s an army tank abandoned on the side of the road. I test the door.
Unlocked.
The girls clamber in and they help me haul Kenji onto their laps. I close the door shut behind them. Climb into the driver’s side. I press my thumb to the scanner to start the engine; so grateful Warner had us programmed to gain access to the system.
It’s only then that I remember I still have no idea how to drive.
It’s probably a good thing I’m driving a tank.
I don’t pay attention to stop signs or streets. I drive the tank right off the road and straight back into the heart of the sector, in the general direction I know we came from. I’m too heavy on the gas, and too heavy on the brakes, but my mind is in a place where nothing else matters anymore.
I had a goal. Step one has been accomplished.
And now I will see it through to the end.
I drop Sonya and Sara off at the barracks and help them carry Kenji out. Here, they’ll be safe. Here, they can rest. But it’s not my turn to stop yet.
I head directly up and through the military base, up the elevator to where I remember we got off for the assembly. I slam through door after door, heading straight outside and into the courtyard, where I climb until I reach the top. One hundred feet in the air.
Where it all began.
There’s a technician stand here, a maintenance system for the speakers that run throughout the sector. I remember this. I remember all of this now, even though my brain is numb and my hands are still shaking, and blood that does not belong to me is dripping down my face and onto my neck.
But this was the plan.
I have to finish the plan.
I punch the pass code into the keypad and wait to hear the click. The technician box snaps open. I scan the different fuses and buttons, and flip the switch that reads
ALL
SPEAKERS
, and take a deep breath. Hit the intercom key.
“Attention, Sector 45,” I say, the words rough and loud and mottled in my ear. “The supreme commander of The Reestablishment is dead. The capital has surrendered. The war is over.” I’m shaking so hard now, my finger slipping on the button as I try to hold it down. “I repeat, the supreme commander of The Reestablishment is dead. The capital has surrendered. The war is over.”
Finish it, I tell myself.
Finish it now.
“I am Juliette Ferrars, and I will lead this nation. I challenge anyone who would stand against me.”
I take a step forward and my legs tremble, threaten to bend and break beneath me, but I push myself to keep moving. I push myself to get through the door, to get down the elevator, and to get out, onto the battlefield.
It doesn’t take long to get there.
There are hundreds of bodies in huddled, bloody masses on the ground, but there are hundreds more still standing; more alive than I could’ve hoped for. The news has spread more quickly than I thought it would. It’s almost as if they’ve known for a little while now that the battle was over. The surviving soldiers from Anderson’s ship are standing alongside our own, some still soaking wet, frozen to the bone in this icy weather. They must’ve found their way ashore and shared the news of our assault, of Anderson’s imminent demise. Everyone is looking around, staring at each other in shock, staring at their own hands or up into the sky. Others still are checking the mass of bodies for friends and family members, relief and fear apparent on their faces. Their worn bodies do not want to go on like this.
The doors to the barracks have burst open and the remaining civilians flood the grounds, running out to reunite with loved ones, and for a moment the scene is both
so terribly bleak, and so terribly beautiful, that I don’t know whether to cry out in pain or joy.
I don’t cry at all.
I walk forward, forcing my limbs to move, begging my bones to stay steady, to carry me through the end of this day, and into the rest of my life.
I want to see my friends. I need to know they’re okay. I need visual confirmation that they’re okay.
But as soon as I walk into the crowd, the soldiers of Sector 45 lose control.
The bloodied and beaten on our battlefield are shouting and cheering despite the stain of death they stand in, saluting me as I pass. And as I look around I realize that they are
my
soldiers now. They trusted me, fought with me and alongside me, and now I will trust them. I will fight for them. This is the first of many battles to come. There will be many more days like this.
I’m covered in blood, my suit ripped and riddled with splintered wood and broken bits of metal. My hands are trembling so hard I don’t even recognize them anymore.
And yet I feel so calm.
So unbelievably calm.
Like the depth of what just happened hasn’t managed to hit me yet.
It’s impossible not to brush against outstretched hands and arms as I cross the battlefield, and it’s strange to me, somehow, strange that I don’t flinch, strange that I don’t hide my hands, strange that I’m not worried I’ll injure them.
They can touch me if they like, and maybe it’ll hurt, but my skin won’t kill anyone anymore.
Because I’ll never let it get that far.
Because I now know how to control it.
The compounds are such bleak, barren places, I think, as I pass through them. These should be the first to go. Our homes should be rebuilt. Restored.
We need to start again.
I climb up the side of one of the little compound homes. Climb its second story, too. I reach up, clinging to the roof, and pull myself over. I kick the solar panels off, onto the ground, and plant myself on top, right in the middle, as I look out over the crowd.
Searching for familiar faces.
Hoping they’ll see me and come forward.
Hoping.
I stand on the roof of this home for what feels like days, months, years, and I see nothing but faces of soldiers and their families. None of my friends.
I feel myself sway, dizziness threatening to overtake me, my pulse racing fast and hard. I’m ready to give up. I’ve stood here long enough for people to point, for my face to be recognized, for word to spread that I’m standing here, waiting for something. Someone. Anyone.
I’m just about to dive back into the crowd to search for their fallen bodies when hope seizes my heart.
One by one, they emerge, from all corners of the field,
from deep inside the barracks, from across the compounds. Bloodied and bruised. Adam, Alia, Castle, Ian, Lily, Brendan, and Winston each make their way toward me only to turn and wait for the others to arrive. Winston is sobbing.
Sonya and Sara are dragging Kenji out of the barracks, small steps hauling him forward. I see that his eyes have opened now, just a little. Stubborn, stubborn Kenji. Of course he’s awake when he should be asleep.
James comes running toward them.
He crashes into Adam, clinging to his legs, and Adam hauls his little brother up, into his arms, smiling like I’ve never seen him smile before. Castle nods at me, beaming. Lily blows me a kiss. Ian makes some strange finger-gun motion and Brendan waves. Alia has never looked more jubilant.
And I’m looking out over them, my smile steady, held there by nothing but sheer force of will. I’m still staring, waiting for my last friend to show up. Waiting for him to find us.
But he isn’t here.
I’m scanning the thousands of people scattered around this icy, icy ground and I don’t see him, not anywhere, and the terror of this moment kicks me in the gut until I’m out of breath and out of hope, blinking fast and trying to hold myself together.
The metal roof under my feet is shaking.
I turn toward the sound, heart pounding, and see a hand reach over the top.
He pulls himself up onto the roof and walks over to me, so steadily. Calm, like there’s nothing in the world we’d planned to do today but to stand here, together, looking out over a field of dead bodies and happy children.
“Aaron,” I whisper.
He pulls me into his arms.
And I fall.
Every bone, every muscle, every nerve in my body comes undone at his touch and I cling to him, holding on for dear life.
“You know,” he whispers, his lips at my ear, “the whole world will be coming for us now.”
I lean back. Look into his eyes.
“I can’t wait to watch them try.”