Shattered (5 page)

“Y’all mind if I crash here tonight?” Dizzle asked when we pulled up.

“Not really,” Nausynika said.

Dizzle seemed like our older cousin, so I ain’t care, either. He could sleep on the floor or in the chair. As soon as we got inside the room, I kicked my shoes off and went to the bathroom. When I came out, Nausynika and Dizzle was watching TV sitting on the bed. I ain’t know about them, but I was sleepy. I crawled in the bed under the covers and closed my eyes. I woke up when I heard Nausynika and Dizzle giggling nonstop. I rolled over and saw that she was staring at the ceiling and Dizzle was watching her with a sandwich bag in his hand.

“KiKi, you want some?” Dizzle asked.

“Want what?” I asked, sitting up with one arm.

“Girl, everything look funny,” Nausynika said, reaching out toward the ceiling. “You gotta try it.”

Dizzle handed me the bag. Inside looked like mushrooms. “What is it?” I asked.

“Shrooms. It ain’t gonna hurt you. Just eat a couple of them, and tell me what you think.”

“Raw like this?”

He nodded.

I looked at Nausynika again, and she was all smiles, still staring at the ceiling, giggling. The mushrooms looked like dried tiny bits of the kind that grow around trees whenever it rains a lot. I took a couple and put them in my mouth. It felt like Styrofoam, but the shrooms didn’t have a flavor, so I chewed faster and swallowed. Ain’t nothing happen at first, so I lied back and watched Dizzle and Nausynika, who both was smiling and laughing.
CSI
was on TV, and the colors on the screen looked extra colorful. Suddenly, blues, greens, yellows, and oranges seemed like they was pouring out of the screen. I leaned closer.

“You all right, young?” Dizzle asked.

Each of his words suddenly had a taste. The
you
tasted like a Twizzler.
All right
tasted like a slice of toast, and
young
tasted like a Sprite. I laughed just thinking about it. The motel room was a rainbow of colors, from the bright sunshine-yellow curtains and chocolate-brown carpet to the velvet cupcake burgundy blanket. The flowers on the bedspread seemed like they was in 3-D. I reached out at the dreamy petals that danced around the room. Nausynika and Dizzle smiled at me. I felt like the bed was moving in circles. Dizzle kissed me hard on my lips next, pushing his swirling tongue in my mouth. I saw him taking his shirt off, then his jeans next. Dizzle gently pushed Nausynika’s head toward his shorts and used his other hand to rub my breasts. This had to be a dream. I closed my eyes so that the next time I opened them I’d be fully awake. But even with my eyes closed, I could feel his fingertips rubbing my nipples. “Stop,” I barely breathed out. Was he supposed to be doing this?

Dizzle’s laughing and moaning bounced off the walls quick and innocent, like pebbles skipping across a creek. His soft, wet kisses made me feel like I was swimming. I shook my head from side to side. This couldn’t be right cuz he was a full-grown man. It was like I was inside of a bubble floating above, watching this man twice my size kissing and rubbing his large, warm hands all over me. I wanted him to stop. Even though he was older and stronger, this wasn’t something that was supposed to be happening to me. Not me. Unless I was being punished for running away from Ms. Val or for not being more careful helping Mommy pack Yodi’s diaper bag. Maybe if I would’ve double-checked that day them drugs fell out, none of this would’ve ever happened. My family being split up, me being sent from one foster care house after the other, me laying here with a grown man who was peeling my panties off.

“You’re so pretty,” Dizzle whispered between kisses. I took a deep breath as if I had been holding air in my lungs. That’s when I tried to scream, but the only thing that came out was a dry gasp. I shut my eyes tight, trying hard to block out what I was feeling Dizzle do to me, how his soft touch made me feel warm all over. Mommy’s face appeared in my head. She was standing in the kitchen washing dishes. Every now and then, she looked down at Yodi playing with a puzzle on the floor by her feet. I wanted to be home with her and Yodi. I wanted to be far away from this room, from this motel in a part of the city I ain’t even know nothing about until this week. I looked at Nausy. She had a strange expression on her face. I couldn’t tell if she liked what was happening to her or not, but she definitely wasn’t fighting Dizzle off, either. All of a sudden, a thought popped in my head that made me panic. If I made Dizzle stop, would he treat me and Nausy differently? Would we be put back out on the street? What would happen to us next? Where would we go?

Suddenly his touching me didn’t seem so bad.

I
felt strange cuz in a weird way I liked Dizzle. He was good to me and Nausynika, especially cuz we ain’t have nobody in our corner. Both of us ain’t have no family. Me, well, I ain’t know where mine was, and Nausy, well, her mother was in jail in North Carolina for lying to the welfare people about something and wasn’t getting out for three more years. Dizzle was the only person who been nice to me and who been taking care of me since Ms. Val looked so outraged a month ago at the school. I guess it was weird cuz deep down I knew what me and Nausynika was doing with him couldn’t be right, even though the way he made my body feel so good with his soft kisses and gentle touch. I was so confused. He made sure we had whatever we wanted. We ate whatever we wanted, and he still took us different places and bought us stuff.

Lately, I had noticed that Nausy was acting different around me. She said she ain’t like that Dizzle always wanted her to put his thing in her mouth and he ain’t never ask me to do it. I ain’t know why Dizzle never asked me to do it, but I really ain’t want to. I did notice that he never really touched Nausy the same soft way he ran his hands over me. He kissed me long with his tongue and only gave her kisses on the cheek or on her neck and forehead. But I mean, he took care of both of us the same. Buying us whatever food we wanted, letting us pick clothes out that I knew fit and that girls at our school would be jealous about when I got back, and even getting us makeup and cute earrings. Dizzle took care of everything—soap, deodorant, toothpaste, and all. I ain’t know why she had to be complaining. Shoot, as long as we ain’t have to live on the street, she needed to suck it up.

After spending twelve days with him, Dizzle said we had to leave the motel. Said he found a cheaper spot in Capitol Heights that had a kitchen and two queen-size beds. “Y’all gon’ like it,” he said. “It got closet space for both of y’all, too.”

I was happy. I mean, I wished we could’ve lived in our own
house
, but this was better than living by somebody else’s rules. After we grabbed all of our stuff and filled Dizzle’s car, we left and headed to Maryland. When we got to Central Avenue, he pulled up to a motel across the street from a 7-Eleven. Inside Dizzle was right. There was a little more space than the other motel. We ordered a pizza and watched TV. Dizzle poured us both a small cup of a strong coconut-tasting drink, before he gave us more shrooms that made us feel giddy. Next, Dizzle made us undress. After that he told Nausynika to suck on his thing. She sucked her teeth loud enough for Dizzle to hear her, and then she rolled her eyes as she picked it up slowly.

“What’s wrong, Nausy, baby?” Dizzle said, rubbing her cheek.

“Nothing,” she said, even though it was clear she was mad and that she wanted everybody to know she was.

“You don’t wanna do it?” Dizzle asked.

She shook her head.

“Why not?” he asked.

“How come you never ask her to do it?”

“Cuz you can do it better than KiKi,” he said. “I love the way
you
do it. I ain’t never had it done so good before I met you. Don’t you want me to feel good?”

She rolled her eyes. I knew she was still upset. “How you know she can’t do it better if you ain’t never ask her to do it?”

“Come on, Nausy. She tried before…once in the bathroom.” Dizzle was lying. I ain’t know why, and I ain’t speak up, either. If he wanted her to do it, I ain’t see what the big deal was. It just looked like she was kissing and sucking it like a Popsicle. How hard could it be?

“Her lips ain’t like yours, girl,” he said. “Look how thin they are. Look at yours. They all juicy.”

Nausynika looked up at me, then smiled. “But if you like my lips, why you never kiss me like how you kiss KiKi?”

This time it was Dizzle’s turn to roll his eyes. “Come here, girl. If that’s what you want, here.”

Nausy leaned closer, and Dizzle kissed her long and hard. Nausy melted, and then she bent down to put his big thing in her mouth.

“Don’t y’all know, I love y’all,” he whispered before he leaned back and let Nausy do what she always did. “I’d do anything for both of y’all. We like family.”

This was the first time in a long time that me and Nausy ain’t sleep in the same bed. For some reason, Dizzle decided he wanted to sleep in my bed. I ain’t mind cuz it was better than all three of us squished up in one bed like we had been before. Just when I was about to sleep, I felt Dizzle trying to take my panties off. He rubbed his thing against me from behind. It felt warm and thick. He pulled me closer to him, hugging me real tight. Soon he was pressing his thing harder until he pushed all the way inside me, scraping and stretching my private part. A loud sound jumped out of my throat. He slipped his hand over my mouth. “You know I like you the best, right?” Dizzle whispered as he moved real slowly. It was the first time he ever did that to me. “You the best, right?” he whispered again. “Right?”

“Unhunh,” I tried to say, but he was hurting me.

“Your body feel so soft. You fit me like a glove. Just right,” Dizzle kept whispering with every stroke. “KiKi, you
are
my favorite.”

Somehow his words made me feel good at the same time, like something about me was special. I knew he was telling the truth cuz in a way he was treating me better than Nausy. I wondered if it was cuz he thought she was ugly. I wanted Dizzle to like both of us the same. Nausy was my best friend, and I ain’t want her to feel bad. He groaned real loud and held me tighter. Dizzle’s body shook, and then he loosened his grip, but he ain’t let me go. He held me even when I finally fell asleep.

The next couple of days was a blur. Nausy wasn’t talking to me no matter how much I tried to talk to her. When I asked her for the remote control once, she said, “Fuck you,” for no reason whatsoever. I ain’t say nothing cuz why was I gon’ pick a fight over something stupid like that? Then when I asked her to go with me across the street to the Laundromat to wash some clothes, she said, “I ain’t going with your ass nowhere!”

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked her. “Why you got a attitude for?”

She looked at me like she could kill me. “Your ass think you better than somebody, that’s why!”

I was so confused. “What?”

“Bitch, you heard me.”

“Nausynika, what you talking about? Don’t nobody think they better than you.”

“Yes, you do. You think I’m blind or something?”

I crossed my arms over my chest. She was speaking in codes, and I couldn’t figure out what was plucking her nerves so bad. When she ain’t say nothing else, I walked out with a bag of my dirty clothes and headed to the Laundromat across the street. Me and Nausy was definitely growing apart. We ain’t even mess around with each other no more unless Dizzle asked us to cuz he wanted to watch. She slept in her bed by herself, and Dizzle slept with me. I did wake up once to see her bent over the bed with Dizzle standing naked behind her. I was happy cuz maybe she wouldn’t be mad at me no more since he was pushing inside of her the same way he be pushing inside me. Nausy moaned just like I did when he was inside of me, and he groaned and shook the same way he did with me. Only difference was when he was done, he ain’t sleep next to her. He always went to the bathroom and took a shower.
Did she know he called me his favorite?

I took my time loading the washing machines cuz I ain’t want to be in the room alone with her attitude all day. Dizzle hardly came to the motel until it had started getting late, so I was gonna have to be with her at some point. There wasn’t no rush, though. A lady in a purple leotard, a see-through white skirt, and some leggings washed a load of clothes, too. She had on flat black shoes that looked like footies. I couldn’t stop watching the way she walked from the machine to the sink while she sprayed some stuff on a few stains. I ain’t never seen nobody walk like that in real life. It was like one of those birds I seen at the zoo. The pink kind with long, skinny legs that walked real slow and stopped real sharp before turning and walking the other way. She was so pretty. Her hair in a ponytail bounced just like a horse’s tail. Maybe she was a real dancer. She floated across the room with her skirt moving like a cloud around her. I bet if I could walk like her, I wouldn’t have to be living in a motel in a place I ain’t know nothing about.

The lady saw me looking at her and smiled. I smiled back, then looked away. There was some kids playing with the laundry carts while their mothers folded clothes.
Judge Judy
was on the TV hanging over the soda and snack machines. I bought an orange soda and sat down to watch TV until my clothes finished washing, and then I put them in the dryer. I dug in my pocket for the two quarters I had left and put them in the machine. I went back to watch TV until my clothes dried. The lady in the leotard floated over with her basket to grab the clothes out of the dryer. I watched her glide back. I waited for her to fold her clothes on the table before I checked to see if mine was dry. Dag, half of them was still wet. I checked my pockets to see if I had at least one more quarter but wasn’t nothing in there. Only if I ain’t buy that soda, I’d have enough. I guess I could hang them up in the bathroom to dry.

“You need some more change, sweetie?”

I turned around to see who was talking to me. It was the lady with the bird walk. I felt so embarrassed and looked down.

“Here. I still have some quarters left,” she said, floating over and handing me three quarters.

“Thank you,” I said. The pretty lady smiled. I put the quarters in the slot and walked back to my seat. Since she was being nice to me, I had to ask her. “Are you a dancer or something?”

Another smile lit up her face. “I sure am. Do you dance, too?”

I shook my head.

“Would you like to learn how?”

I nodded.

“Well, my name is Brianna, and I give lessons at a rec center in Landover. Here,” she said, digging inside her bag. “Here’s my card. Give this to your mother. Maybe she can bring you.”

“Okay,” I said, but I knew I’d never be able to go. I smiled and put the card with the ballerina picture in my pocket. Brianna finished folding her clothes, packed them up, waved good-bye, and glided out of the Laundromat. I watched her get in her green convertible Volkswagen and pull out of the parking lot. One day that was gonna be me.

Nausynika was sleeping when I got back to the motel room. I was putting my clothes in the dresser when Dizzle came through the door practically singing.

“Hey, I got news for y’all,” he said, throwing his keys on the table near the window and sitting down. He rubbed his hand over his plaits. “Hey, Nausy! Wake up, girl.”

She rolled over and wiped her eyes. I sat down on the edge of my bed.

“So I got us our own house!” he said, smiling that huge Cat in the Hat smile he always had. “So pack your stuff up. We leaving.”

“House?” Nausynika said. “Where?”

“It’s not too far from here. Y’all excited?”

Nausynika rolled her eyes. I guess she ain’t care, but I was happy. We could finally be somewhere for good. I grabbed my bags and stuffed all my clothes inside them. Nausy took her sweet, precious time about getting her stuff together.

“What’s wrong, girl?” Dizzle asked.

She shrugged her shoulders. Dizzle must ain’t notice how mad she been acting lately.

“Come here, Nausy.”

She ain’t move.

“Didn’t I say come here?”

She stood up and pulled her tight shirt away from her stomach before she walked over to him with an attitude.

“Tell me what’s wrong? I don’t like seeing you all mad and shit.”

“Ain’t nothing wrong,” she mumbled, but she cut her eyes away from him at the same time.

“Yes, it is. I know how you get when you pissed.”

“Nothing,” she said again.

He pulled her to him and sat her on his lap. She smiled, then said, “I know I’m too heavy for you.”

“Girl, please. I love all this chocolate,” Dizzle said, hugging her tight and squeezing her butt. She giggled and ran her hand over her two French cornrows. “You gonna tell Dirt Dizzle what’s wrong with you now?”

“Why don’t you
like
me like you
like
her? Huh?” she said real low.

“Nausy…come on now…I love you, girl,” he said, kissing her cheek. “I’m the luckiest nigga on the planet. Don’t you understand? I got the two most beautiful girls on the East Coast with me, and I’d do anything for y’all. Let me tell you something…you, too, KiKi. Come over here.”

I sat in the chair across from him. He picked my hand up and squeezed it.

“Listen, y’all treat me good. I ain’t never feel this big. I mean my head swole like a muthafucka. Y’all kick it with me. Make sure I laugh. Keep me company and make me feel good. I don’t wanna lose that. Both of y’all special to me. You understand? If you ain’t got nobody in your corner, you always got me. You hear me? I’ma make sure y’all have, even when I don’t have. I don’t want y’all to ever doubt how I feel about y’all.”

I believed him.

“Understand, Nausy?”

She nodded, then reached over and held my other hand. I guess she wasn’t mad with me no more. He kissed her forehead.

Later, we all headed down Central Avenue to get on the highway. Dizzle drove a long way until he turned off an exit onto Route 301, then down 97 to Severn and into a neighborhood called Crestwood Mobile Park Community. Some little white kids was playing in the street with a dog tied to their bike. Dizzle waited for them to move, and then he drove slowly down the gravelly road.

“There it go, right there. The yellow one,” he said, pointing. “Y’all like it?”

My forehead crinkled immediately. I bit my lip and looked over at Nausy. I could tell she ain’t like it either by the way her top lip curled up.

“Wait ’til you get inside. It’s much better. I promise,” he said, unlocking the car doors.

We got out and looked around the neighborhood. All the houses looked like they was made out of plastic or tin and like the long trucks that I saw on the highway, except without the front part. Not brick or stone like all the houses I ever seen. There was a couple of flimsy bushes in front of ours and a funny-looking mailbox that leaned so far forward I thought it was gonna fall. The windows was tiny, like the kind in Ms. Val’s bathroom. I counted two.