She Dies at the End (November Snow #1) (16 page)

William read the note.  He closed his eyes for a moment.  November could practically see the wheels turning.  “My wife died in an attack, in Montana.  She was there to visit some friends.”

“No, she didn’t.  I just saw it.  She passed out, but she didn't turn to ash.  If she had, you would have mentioned her to me.  And I would be looking at evidence of an attack in Montana when I work with Savita.  But I wasn’t even told that there
was
an attack in Montana.  Which indicates to me that you’re hiding something about it.  Your wife is alive.  Alive but wounded. Isn't she?”  She finally looked William in the eye, and he could see that there was no way out but the truth.

“Yes,” he said simply.

“How could you think I wouldn’t find that out eventually?  The entire reason I’m here is that I’m a psychic!”  She tried to grab hold of her rage as she began to feel again.  Rage was better than pain or humiliation.

“We’ve told everyone that my wife died, to try to protect her from a repeat attack.  We think that she was the primary target.  Only Savita, Birch, and my father know that she’s being taken care of in secret, under a different name.   It will take the better part of a year for her limbs to grow back.”  Em was beyond relieved to find out that Zinnia had not known.  That was one betrayal that she could never have borne.  “Savita warned me not to do this to you.  So did Birch.  Sometimes I am too arrogant and stubborn to listen when I should.”  November was mortified and furious at the thought of Savita and Birch being aware of this mess but glad to know that they had not approved of it.  “Married vampires often take human lovers.  It is normal among us,” he argued weakly.  “Most humans do not object.”

“Most humans get mind-raped into not objecting to a damn thing you people do!  And if you really thought I wouldn’t mind, you wouldn’t have hidden her from me.  You were just hoping that by the time I found out I would be too in love with you to care.  Isn’t that right?”  November was merciless with herself.  Since her heart was breaking, it seemed better to just smash it and get all of the pain over with.  William’s silence answered for him.  “Why?  What did I do to make you want to hurt me?  I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me.”

“My intent was not to cause you pain,” he protested.

“Really?  You took advantage of a lonely child who has had so little love in her life that she’s starving for it.  Were you actually going to try to sleep with me tonight?"  He had the good sense to look slightly ashamed. "Are you fucking kidding me?  I'm an eighteen-year-old virgin who never even kissed a guy before you!  Am I not screwed up enough already?  Did you think I was going to react well to finding out I had sex for the first time with someone who not only doesn't love me but also is
married
and only wants to use me as a weapon?  Mental stability is not really my strong suit, historically.  What the hell is wrong with you?” 

She couldn’t sit still.  She couldn’t look at him.  She couldn't escape, so she paced by the window like a caged animal.  "You are a real piece of work, you know that?  Though I don't know why that should surprise me, given the fact that you
kidnapped
me.  And
bought
me.  From my
mother
.  What is
wrong
with me?  Maybe I
do
belong in a hospital." 

William defended himself earnestly, as though he actually wished to persuade her of his good intentions.  She watched him with increasing incredulity as he argued, “I needed to be sure of your complete loyalty.  Your love would ensure that you would stay on our side, whatever happens.  I’m trying to save a civilization here.  I had to find out for certain who is behind all this.  I have to defeat him.  For my wife.  For my people.  Some things are too important to leave to chance.  Some things are more important than one person.  You must understand, I could not entrust so much to a human without doing everything I could to ensure her allegiance.”

“You've done a bang-up job of that, now, haven't you?  Do you know what you could have tried instead?  You could have said, 'November, use your gift to help me save innocent people from a terrorist maniac who wants to enslave the human race.  Your gift will finally do some good instead of only driving you crazy and ruining everything, and you'll get to live in a house fit for human habitation and eat on the regular and pretend you have friends for the first time in your wretched life.'  Maybe try
that
next time."

She was bright with righteous anger, filled with fire as she stood up for herself, full bore, with no restraint or shame or fear, perhaps for the first time in her life.  As she spoke, she stepped slowly toward the vampire, who actually retreated towards the door in the face of her onslaught.

“You’re a lovely girl, November.  I’m . . . very fond of you,” he replied inadequately.  “I am sorry for your pain."

“You say that a lot.  You'll forgive me if I don't believe you.  You didn’t love me at all.  You didn’t even
want me
.  You just wanted my gift.  How could I not have realized that?  I am so stupid.  So young and stupid.”  She had wanted so badly to be cherished for herself that she had seen love when it wasn’t there.  She had trusted when she should have been skeptical, which wasn’t at all like her.  She never trusted humans that much. In a new world, with new people, with new fears, she had tossed aside her normal caution.  She did not intend to repeat that mistake.   

Making one last effort to placate her, William reached out a hand towards her shoulder.

“Get out!” she commanded in a voice that could have shattered glass.  “Get out,” she repeated in a dangerous whisper.  "And don't you
ever
touch me again."  William looked like he wanted to continue with his explanations, but one look at November’s face convinced him otherwise.  He stepped backwards through the door, which November promptly slammed in his face.

For a long time, she just stared at the carpet.  Her emotions overwhelmed her, leaving her unable to cry, unable to think.  Finally, her hurt and anger settled into a stone in the pit of her stomach, and she was able to consider her situation with some lucidity.

She slid down to the floor and sat with her back against the door.  She briefly considered running away.  It was her first impulse, to flee from him and this strange new life of hers, this weird imprisonment.  Logic prevailed, however.  Even if she could get off the grounds, endangering her life to avoid seeing William, to avoid embarrassment, would be pretty stupid.  Besides, she knew her fate was intertwined with these people, so what was the point in running from the unavoidable?  She told herself that the humiliation and grief would fade in time.  It was hard to face the fact that she would have to return to her difficult work with Savita, to go on about her business as if nothing had changed. 
How do I face Savita and Birch? How do I face anyone?

This little romance had been a source of happiness that helped her get through the difficulty of using her gift to explore these attacks.  It had let her pretend that she wasn't trapped.  Now that crutch was gone.  She would have to do what she’d done all her life: find her own happiness in the midst of a difficult situation.  Never did she seriously consider refusing to do the work.  All the suffering of the victims, all the evil she’d seen – if she could help stop that violence, how wrong would it be to refuse to do so in order to spite a man who’d hurt her or to escape her own discomfort? 
Children will die if I stop, if I leave.  Innocents will suffer.  I can still prevent that.

She was still sitting motionless on the floor when she heard a knock on her door.  “It’s Zinnia.  Lord William told me what happened.” 

“Come in,” November replied a bit reluctantly.  She wasn’t sure she wanted company until she saw her friend’s face full of sympathy; she then realized that a girlfriend was exactly what she needed.

Zinnia sunk down to sit on the floor next to her.  She had brought a tissue box.  November gave her a weak smile.  “Well prepared, I see.  He told you all of it?”

“Yes.  He said you needed someone to talk to, so he told me about his wife.  I can’t believe that Lady Esther is still alive.”  Zinnia shook her head.  “I have to admit I’m happy about that; she was always very kind to me.  I think I saw more of her than my own mother as a kid.  Of course, I’m totally livid at Lord William for deceiving you. I really thought he liked you.  He seemed so much happier, and so did you.  I thought you were helping him get over the loss of her.”

“You warned me that he could be ruthless.  I should have taken that to heart.  Apparently the ends justify the means as far as he’s concerned.  Thank goodness I didn’t actually sleep with him.  This would be a hundred times harder.  Score one for the nuns and sexual conservatism.”  November started crying again.  “I feel so miserable,” she said, burying her face in her hands.

“I know.  That’s how I felt when things went south with my first boyfriend.  He was my first love, and I think I jumped into bed too quickly.  You know how I am.  I fall in love so easily, like how we became friends in about thirty seconds.”  Zinnia smiled.  “At least I learned from that mistake to protect my heart a little bit more.  He cheated on me, so I broke it off.  But I was still miserable for a while.  I still missed him, missed what we had.  I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will feel better.  After a while, it won’t hurt anymore.  And almost everyone goes through this.  Most people don’t end up together forever with the first person they were ever involved with,” Zinnia said reassuringly, the voice of experience at the ripe old age of nineteen.

“I know.  I keep telling myself that.  But most people’s first kiss isn’t with some vampire lord who’s about 900 years old and who kidnapped her and with whom she has to continue living because even scarier vampires are trying to kidnap and/or murder her.”

“Wow. It does sound kind of bad when you put it like that,” Zinnia replied in a deadpan tone that forced November to laugh.  “At least Ben will be happy,” she added.

“Oh, jeez.  I hadn’t even thought about that.  He isn’t going to give me a moment’s peace.”  November threw up her hands in renewed frustration.

“I’ll tell him to lay off.  I don’t know if it’ll work, but I’ll try,” Zinnia reassured her.  “
Do
you have any interest in him, with Lord William out of the picture?”

November thought about it for a moment.  “I don’t know, and not just because the breakup is so raw.  It would be seriously awkward.  I don’t want to make more trouble for him.  Plus, I’m not exactly confident about my judgment in men right now.”

“You shouldn’t blame yourself.  You fell for a man with almost a millennium of experience seducing women.  You didn’t really have a prayer,” Zinnia replied.

“Thanks.  I think.  Can we watch a movie or something?  I need to not think about this for a while.” 

“Of course, whatever you need.”

“Oh, no, I destroyed your night out on the town!” November suddenly remembered her friend’s own plans.

“No, Lord William ruined my night.  You are innocent.  I had time to dance for awhile, so it’s not a problem.  All was not lost,” Zinnia said with a smile, reaching out a hand to help her friend up off the floor.

As they walked down to the theater, November said, “I’ve had some terrible birthdays, but this one ranks pretty high on the list.  And I am totally not giving back those earrings.”

***

November’s sleep that night and following day was disrupted by the frequent sight of Esther in her sickbed, her mangled body looking very small under the white sheets.  Esther didn’t look too bad awake, maybe a little depressed, but she seemed to writhe in her sleep.  In another dream, November saw a human planting the note and the jewelry.  She looked like one of the cleaning crew.

When November woke, she felt more sad than angry, sad for Esther and William and everyone who had been hurt in these attacks, and sad for herself as well.  She supposed that if Esther had been her wife, she might have done some crazy things in the pursuit of justice herself.  She was still furious deep down, but she supposed that she might be able to forgive William in time.  She’d forgiven betrayals just as bad in the past, after all.  She had never been one to hold grudges, but she did not forget to be wary of those who had wronged her.  She just hoped she would be strong enough to maintain her dignity when she had to face everyone.  The last thing she wanted was to be all weepy and mooning over William, or to have everyone looking at her with pity.  She had experience acting cold and removed in order to function in spite of her pain.  She would simply have to protect herself with that well-worn armor when she was forced to face her former paramour.

After a very long shower with which she tried to wash everything away, she dressed with care.  She was not about to look as wretched as she felt.  She hid the diamond earrings where she wouldn’t have to see them and grabbed her satchel of work out of the safe before heading down to the kitchen to get breakfast before the sun went down.  Pine was hanging out in an armchair strategically placed at her end of the hallway.  “Anyone try to kill me while I was sleeping?” she asked with a weak smile.

“Well, there was the one guy, but I took care of it,” he said with a wink, following a step behind her as she headed downstairs.  It was still a little strange to have a bodyguard, even after weeks of having him as a shadow.  She wondered how much he knew about the previous night.  He was always circumspect, so she might never know.