She Loves You, She Loves You Not... (25 page)

She lifts her cup and says, “I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t understand that you’re your own person, that you make your own choices and decisions. You need to let him know.”

“I tried. He won’t accept me. He refuses to believe I’m a lesbian.”

“Oh, I think he believes it.” A wry smile crosses her lips, and she sips her coffee.

“I’m sorry for… for judging you,” I say. “I had no right.” The same way others have no right to judge me. They’re not God. Dad has no right. I need him to accept me, support me, honor my decisions. “Tell me about Jason and Angelica.”

She sets down her cup and presses her fingers into her eyes. “Alyssa…”

“I know it’s painful to talk about them, but I kind of feel they were my family too.” I add gently, “Please?”

She sighs. “What do you want to know?”

“How did you and Jason meet? I heard it was at the Egg Drop.”

“Christ. Nothing gets past anyone in this cow town. Yes, I was working as a waitress, temporarily. Waitressing is good experience to have, by the way. You’ll always be employable.
Jason was in his first year of residency, and we just clicked. You know?”

Chemistry. You have it or you don’t. “How could you afford to build that house?” I know doctors are rich, but aren’t first-year residents just starting out? On TV they are.

“He was loaded. His family was—is—wealthy. He had a trust fund that’d take care of us for the rest of our lives.”

Wow. “Does he have a lesbian sister around my age?”

Carly lets out a short laugh. “An only child. Sorry.”

“Damn. So how long did you date before you got married?”

“Not very. I found out I was pregnant, and we hurried it up.” She lifts her cup to her lips again. “I keep making that mistake.”

My face must color because Carly adds, “I don’t mean Angelica was a mistake. Or you either. You were just unplanned.”

As in
unwanted
?

“Let’s get back to what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m not rebuilding the house. I should’ve sold it to begin with. It only reminds me of the past, and it’s not good for me to live in the past. Mitchell isn’t going to like it, but I’ve decided to take the insurance money and do what I’ve always wanted to do.” She gets up, carrying her cup to the sink. She doesn’t go on.

“Which is?”

She pivots. “Sail around the world. See places I’ve always wanted to see. There’s a yearlong cruise that I’ve been looking
into. It stops in two hundred forty-two ports in sixty-two countries.”

Leaving me where? I try to sound enthusiastic when I say, “How cool.”

“You’d go with me, of course.”

“What?” I jump up and throw my arms around Carly. “Oh my God.” We’ll start fresh, new. We’ll leave the past behind and sail away into the future. I can finally move on. “Thank you, Carly.” Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I can’t go. It’s impossible. I still have a year of high school to finish, and I don’t want to travel around the world. Maybe someday, but not yet. I just want one place to call home. I like it here in Majestic; love it, in fact. For the first time, I feel I am making my own choices and decisions.

When I tell Carly the next morning, she says, “Are you sure?”

“I am.”

She pooches her lips. “I hate to go by myself.”

“Take Mitchell.”

She screws up her face. I guess I know what that means.

“Take Geena. You two have fun together.”

Carly fixes on my face. “Are you absolutely sure, Alyssa? You won’t think I’m abandoning you again?”

I click my tongue. “Go. You deserve it.”

“I do.” She smiles. “I work hard for a living. I should go now, while I still have my youth.”

While I can still party
is what she really means.

“There is one thing,” I say. “It’s something you said about
talking to Dad. Letting him know how I feel. I think I need to do that in person. I know you’ve already given me eight hundred dollars—”

“I’ll buy you a plane ticket. Just tell me when.”

I need a day or two to work up the nerve. To warn Tanith. “Maybe Friday? And I promise to pay you back every penny of that eight hundred dollars. Eventually.”

Carly comes over and presses my head to her chest. “I know you will. And if you don’t, hell, it’s only money. I could make that much tricking in one night.”

I look up at her and she laughs. We both do.

There must be some hidden meaning in people always giving me shoes. Like that saying “Walk a mile in my shoes”? My mystery Crocs feel weightless as I make my way down the plank sidewalk to the Egg Drop-In to check out the destruction. “Alyssa?” a voice sounds behind me.

It’s Timber Toes, from the book swap. I have to shield my eyes from the sun, she’s so tall.

“I heard about the house and your car accident. I’m so sorry. Are you and Carly all right?”

“Yeah. We’re fine. Thank you for asking.” I hold my arm in the sling closer to my chest.

She says, “It’s going to take Arlo a while to get back on his feet. I mean”—she winces—“get his place in order. If you’d like to work at the Emporium until he has his restaurant up and running, I could use the help. Fortunately, we were spared a lot of water damage because we’re on the west end of town.”

She’s nice. I misjudged her. It’s a bad habit that I need to work on. “I love to read,” I tell her.

Her eyes light up. “Me too. My partner, Vickie, and I have a feminist book club that meets once a month. Maybe you’d like to join.”

Her partner? “Uh, yeah. That’d be cool.” My gaydar is totally on the fritz.

“Well, say hi to your mom.” Timber Toes smiles kindly. “Poor thing. She’s endured a lot.”

“She has.”

“She’s a real survivor.”

She crosses the street and waves.

I vow to find out her name. In fact, I’m going to learn everyone’s names—and their business. Business that’s none of my business. I make my way to the Egg Drop parking lot, and it’s still a swamp. Arlo ambushes me at the back door. “Where have you been? You were scheduled to work today.”

He has to be kidding. The water’s gone down, but there’s mud everywhere, a thick layer on the floor, dirty water lines all around the perimeter of the walls. Arlo tosses me a wet sponge, which I catch with my good hand. “Heard about the house. How’s Carly taking it?”

“Guess,” I say.

“She’s leaving the mess for someone else to clean up?”

“She’s just leaving. Moving objects, you know.”

Arlo nods. “What about you?”

“I’m staying. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Does he look happy? Relieved? Probably because he’ll still have slave labor.

“Where do you want me to start?” I ask.

“The john,” Arlo says. “People are going to be needing it.”

My favorite job.

He calls at my back, “And use bleach so we don’t get mold.”

Mold. It’s a digestive aid.

God, I hope the memory of Finn fades faster than Sarah’s. I see Finn’s bike is gone, if it was ever here. It all feels like a nightmare I’m never going to wake up from.

Arlo calls louder to me, “If you need a place to stay, I’ll set up a cot here at Chez Cripple. That’ll get tongues wagging.”

I hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Thanks.”

The front bell tinkles, and a herd of footsteps thunder into the dining room. I stick my head out of the restroom to see who it is. Everyone. Like, everyone who’s ever eaten here. Rufus drags in the biggest Shop-Vac I’ve ever seen. “Sheesh,” he goes. “You think it’s worth cleaning up this dump, Arlo, or you just want to demo the place and start from scratch?”

Arlo says, “Aw, it ain’t a total loss. And, thanks. I really appreciate your help.”

Someone says, “Hey, we’re family. And we’re effing hungry.”

I smile and go back to scouring, feeling part of it all, this town, this family. It’s a totally awesome feeling.

“Booger brain,” I hear a kid yell in the airport concourse. Paulie. Even from a distance, I can see he’s grown taller. Beside him, Tanith waves. Paulie runs up to hug me, and then he notices the sling.

“It’s okay.” I hug him hard with my one arm. He smells like sand and surf and boy sweat.

Tanith says, “We’re so glad you’re safe and sound.”

Am I sound?

She answers my unspoken question. “He had to work today.”

Sure he did.

We head down the concourse, and I take Paulie’s hand. I don’t care if it disgusts him to be seen holding hands with his sister. “I missed you, bat breath.”

“You too.” His face is freckled and tan, and his hair is bleached by the sun. Paulie babbles about their vacation, how cold the Gulf water was this year, how great the waves were for body surfing. He and Dad had gone out on a catamaran.

Paulie says, “Now that you’re home, we can go to the beach every day.”

I look at Tanith, but she’s avoiding my eyes. She didn’t tell him. She starts rambling about shopping to replace all the clothes I lost, and buying me winter gear, but her words sieve through my brain. What will I say when I see Dad? Am I capable of confronting him?

We drive by the mall where M’Chelle and Ben and I hung out. Where I bought Sarah’s ring. We pass Gracie Field, where teams are playing baseball. The dugout and shed. Starbucks.

Surprisingly, I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel anything.

I can’t wait to get out of here.

My room is tidied, disinfected. The smell of Pine-Sol lingers in the air as I empty the contents of my small backpack onto the bed. The iPhone. A few essentials Carly picked up for me. The closet door isn’t shut, and I see it—the box from Sarah.

I drag it over, intending to haul it to the trash can out back, but the top flap is open, and there’s a note on top.

Tanith never mentioned the note. She had to have read it; it’s not even folded.

I sit cross-legged on the floor.

I stare at her admission. It barely fazes me. Maybe the meltdown will come later, but I don’t think so. Why do I choose these girls who don’t know who they are or what they want?

Paulie flings open the door and barrels in. “I brought these back for you.” He flops on the mattress and dumps out a pail of seashells.

On the bed, we immediately begin to sort through the shells.

“How’d you know I’d be back?” I ask him.

“Guitar Hero.”

What a peanut head.

“Which one’s your favorite?” he asks.

No contest. I pick up the perfect sand dollar. The zigzag etchings resemble Native American art, and my thoughts drift back to Finn.

Where is she now?
I wonder. Finn’s on her own journey, and I know how frightening it can be when you’re first coming out to yourself. You don’t want to be different. You don’t know how people will react. You want to believe it doesn’t matter what others think, but it does. I want to believe I’m a forgiving person. I think that’s within my power to decide. I’m not angry with Finn. Anger eats you up inside and eventually turns to hate. Then self-hatred. I can’t live that way, and I never want to.

The sand dollar is delicate. I rub my thumb across the pattern and wonder how far it traveled. How long it was adrift before it found its way to me.

Paulie says, “These new people moved in down the street, and they have a kid my age who’s into video games.”

“Yeah? Cool.” Paulie needs a friend.

He adds, “She’s a girl,” and sticks out his tongue halfway.

I give him a noogie on the head. “Don’t be sexist.”

“I’m not. She already beat me twice at Madden.”

I laugh. Headlights split the dark outside my window, and I peer over the sill to see Dad pulling into the driveway. My stomach clenches. The garage door rolls up, and he disappears inside.

I cringe at Paulie.

He rests a paw on my shoulder and says, “No worries, sis. I’ve got your back.”

Who’s got my front?
I almost say.

Dad doesn’t come upstairs. An hour passes, and Paulie goes to bed. I sit in the dark waiting to hear footsteps, creaking floorboards. At last, a tread squeaks.

I swing off the edge of the mattress and pad to the door.

Dad’s head is down as he reaches the top step. He either sees or senses me. His eyes rise.

I tender a smile.

His gaze sweeps down my body and fuses to the sling. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Nothing broken.”
Except us
, I want to add.

He turns around and walks back down the stairs. I hear his office door close.

No, not this time. He won’t shut me out. I go down the stairs and knock on his door. He says, “Who is it?”

“Me,” I answer.

He doesn’t say come in. After a long second, he goes, “I’m busy.”

Bastard. He’s going to hear me out whether he wants to or not. I open the door and enter, closing it behind me.

He’s sitting at his desk in the dark, his back to me, and I switch on the overhead light. He swivels in his chair, blinking, then swivels back around.

“First I want to say I love you. You’re my father, and I’ll always be your daughter.”

“No,” he goes. “I don’t know who you are, but you don’t belong to me.”

Don’t cry
, I think.
Get through this.
“You need to know how difficult you’ve made it for me to be honest with you. I know you hate gays, so I couldn’t tell you I was one. But I’ve known since I was thirteen.”

“You can’t know. You’re a child.”

“I’m seventeen. I knew then, and I know now.”

He twists his head around, and his eyes are slits. I feel his hatred seep through my skin. My hands are shaking so hard that I have to cling to the door handle behind me, and I’m trying to control the trembling in my voice. “Do you know what it feels like to have to lie and hide the truth about yourself every single day? All I ever wanted was to come out to you and have you love and support me.”