She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy (6 page)

Heath held onto the stranger in his arms and tried in vain to ignore the woman staring at him from the booth. Chance looked really good tonight. She wore a sparkly black top, fitted jeans, and strappy high heeled shoes. Her fire red hair was wavy from the braid she wore earlier. Damn how he ached to touch her. What the hell was she doing here? Of all the family members, he had not expected Jan to be won over so easily.

"You want to go to her, don't you?” Lori, the little woman who he met about thirty minutes before they walked in, looked up at him. She was so small and frail he was half afraid she'd break if he hugged her too tight.

"No,” he lied. “I want to be right here where I am."

"Hmmm. A lying cowboy, now this is what my daddy warned me about when I said I was going to Montana for the weekend with some friends.” Lori smiled up at him and slid his hand for the third time back to her behind. “You won't make her jealous if you keep moving your hand back to my waist, Cowboy."

"I'm not trying to make her jealous.” Was he?

"Well, then I am. She's right. You will go home with her tonight, but for once in my life I want to make a woman jealous of me. Look at her, she's beautiful. Tall, perfect figure, not too small or large up top or at the bottom. And here I am, this short, flat-chested blonde dancing with her husband no less. I feel like I'm on
Desperate Housewives
.” Lori laughed a nice laugh. She really got a kick out of their current situation. “Kiss me."

"What's that?” His gut clenched. They turned, and he saw Chance still sitting there alone, still watching them. A man approached and sat in the booth across from her. A flicker of jealousy washed over him.

He looked down into the bright blue eyes staring up at him and kissed her. No tongue on his part though Lori licked the outside of his lips. Weird. That's how it felt, weird and wrong. A moment later he felt a punch in his ribs. That pulled him up for air.

But it wasn't Chance who had punched him, it was his sister. “Now, you are just being cruel."

Jan looked at her husband, and Buck just rubbed the back of his neck. He had a way of staying out of the family disputes. Mainly by calming Jan down later when they were alone. Buck looked at him and shrugged. “Well, I guess we'll be heading home now."

"Damn straight we will.” Jan gave him another disgusted look, and he felt the disappointment in her tone, like another punch in the ribs. He looked back to the table and noticed that Chance was alone again.

"She left
me,
Jan. Don't you remember that?” He reached for his sister, but she was too quick and smacked his hand down.

"Do you know why, Heath? Have you ever really talked to her? Do you have any idea why she left so often all those years ago?” Jan wrapped her arm around Buck and started them toward the table where Chance sat.

"Well. I think that about ends our fun here tonight.” Lori smiled, pulled him into a big hug, and then laughed that nice laugh of hers. “Thanks, Cowboy."

When he turned back to look at the table, Chance still sat there, but Buck and Jan were gone. He looked around the room as if someone or something would save him from this moment. The music picked up, and a line dance began. Heath maneuvered through the group. He pop stepped and scooted his way off the dance floor. He wanted to leave now, but he didn't know if she had a ride home.

"Did they leave without you?” He looked down as she looked up. He realized she was crying.
No, no. Tears were not going to work tonight.

"Yes.” She sniffed then pulled another napkin from the dispenser on the table. “Can you take me home?"

"Well, Jan scared my date off, so I suppose so.” He felt like a bastard for saying it, but he had to protect himself from this woman. “Mind if I grab some water first?"

"Not at all.” She sniffed again as he sat across from her.

"Why are you crying?” He really wanted to know. After all, this woman left him. He didn't walk out on her.

"I wasn't expecting it to feel like this.” She looked him square in the eye. “I'm starting to see why you won't forgive me."

"I forgave you the other night, before I picked you up from jail. See I realized that I was the one wasting my time and ruining my life. The twelve months you were gone, you were living, like you always did when you left. I was dying, like I always did when you left.” He gave up on waiting for a waitress. His throat was dry and scratchy, like sandpaper. His lips felt strange, dirty for some reason. “You gonna finish that tea?"

He grabbed the glass as she pushed it toward him. He drank the rest of it down. It helped, a little. The other woman's lips still marked his own. Chance watched him quietly. She didn't throw a tantrum. She didn't yell or curse. That made him nervous. She was known to throw a fit over small things.

"Are you ready?” She smiled at him. His heart lodged in his throat as he looked into the eyes of the woman he loved. Guilt was a live thing, just from a kiss. In that instant, he knew she didn't lie about other men. She wouldn't have been able to live with it.

"Desperado” started up as they walked out. The crisp Montana breeze cleaned the smoke off of them. It smelled good after the stuffiness of the bar. The music was low, but he could hear it. Chance seemed so ... broken. He didn't mean to hurt her. “Hey."

"What?” She glanced up at him.

"One dance, for old time's sake?” He tugged at her hand and pulled her against him. Now, this felt right, her nose in his neck, her hips close to his, two arms around his back. Shit! He hadn't pushed her out of his heart at all! And here she was, after what he just did, wrapping herself around him like it didn't happen. “This is your song, you know."

She made a small laugh of a sound then hugged him even tighter. “I know."

Okay, so he would give up for tonight. Maybe for the week, maybe even until his mom left. After all, it would break his mother's heart to know they split up again. His mother loved Chance, probably more than she loved him, always had.

He inhaled the scent of her hair, relished the moment of peace between them, and admitted to himself that he always loved her, too, but he wouldn't fall for her again. He would hold himself on a tight leash.

"Heath, I love you.” She pulled back to look at him when she said it. He couldn't say it back though the words threatened to fall off his lips, so he kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, a kiss to eat those words right out of her mouth before he swallowed them into his soul.

"Let's go home,” he said as he looked down at her. Chance was always a pretty girl, but she had turned into a beautiful woman. Maybe there was a reason she ran from him. He really never knew why she was always in and out of town when she was younger. Just that they had fun while she was home, and he missed her while she was away. It was easier then. He was younger and occupied his time with work, the classes he was sneaking on the side, and other women.

Heath opened the door to the driver's side of the truck and helped her in. She remained in the middle, next to him.

"Heath,” she said as they pulled out of the parking lot and headed home. “I don't blame you for not liking me right now. I haven't really liked myself in a long time."

"What are you talking about?” Her statement caught him off guard. She was always full of life and energy. She flounced herself around like she owned the whole state. She was invincible, or so she would act.

"I don't know.” She shrugged.

"Yes, you do. Tell me. You talk to everyone else but me. Always did.” He gave her a sideways grimace. “You listened to me talk about my dreams; you never told me anything about your own. I thought our dreams were the same because of that. Did you ever realize the only time you ever really talked to me was when you yelled? Otherwise, you just listened and nodded. I swear sometimes I thought I lived with two different women."

"It's a long story.” She smiled, but it was not a genuine smile. “And you weren't crazy to think you lived with two women. I was two women back then. Who I was and who I wanted to be. You don't want to hear all of this."

"I got time.” He always had time for her.

"Let's go to the creek instead. I don't want to talk about it at the house."

He looked at her and tried to keep from drawing his brows together. This was not a good sign. What the hell did she have to say that meant driving all the way out to the creek? “All right."

Her guts twisted inside. Telling Heath the truth about her life, about her mother, about it all was like baring her soul to someone. Actually
she was
going to bare her soul to someone. She was going to tell him everything, and then she would see if he was really the rock he seemed to be. If he was the kind of man that could carry a weight like she was going to unload on him.

"Okay. You sure you want to hear this?” she clarified as they sat down on the cool grass near the water. She loved this place. The insects sang a smooth night melody, the water lapped at the shore, and the sky twinkled down on them with stars. Such a beautiful setting to tell such a tragic tale.

"Positive.” He stretched out on the grass beside her and folded his arms under his head. She could think of a million other things she would love to do to him in this moment, with this setting, rather than tell him the truth.

"Well.” She cleared her throat. “It started when she left him. She started drinking and drinking, and eventually that wasn't enough anymore. Star and I were just kids when she brought her new boyfriend home. Star was fourteen. I was twelve. Star had friends and a place to go after school. I came home."

Buried so deeply inside her, the memory hurt to revive. “I didn't know what to do, you know. He threatened to kill us. He threatened to tell my mother that it was me..."

"Who threatened you?” He sat up quickly, and she jumped. “Chance, who threatened you?

Uh-oh. He was not happy. “Heath, let me finish okay. If you can't let me just tell it all, I won't be able to tell any of it."

He ground his teeth a moment and stared at her so hard she almost gave up. “All right, but after you tell it, I want his name."

Lethal. If there was a word to describe Heath Johnson's tone, it was lethal. “If you still want it, I'll tell you."

She could feel her heart beat. She could smell the fresh air, the grass, and Heath. Gulping down her fears, she continued as he lay back on the grass again. Hopefully, his mind would drift as she spoke.

"I got pregnant when I was thirteen. My mother flipped out. I told her everything. She blamed me of course. Then made me have an abortion and we moved here.” Chance fought the tears of anger, betrayal, and hurt. “She left him, but it was just a matter of time before she picked up another. I was smarter, found friends. Candice was always getting into stuff. I hung out with her. Then, I met Jack.

"Your family is just amazing, Heath. I know I told you that Jack and I, but..."

"He told me it was a lie,” he said flatly. Damn! He was really paying attention still.

"Yes. Well, we never really made it past kissing. Then, I met you. I remember that day like it was yesterday.” She smiled a real smile. The memory of Heath on his old John Deere tractor tilling the land flooded her senses and took her back to a better place and time, far away from the horrors of her childhood.

"You were getting to the part about leaving all the time,” he said.

"Yes.” Great! He was actually listening. She was drifting into calmer waters in her head, and he still wanted the truth. “Well, Star got pregnant when she was seventeen and moved in with her boyfriend. I took care of our drunken mother because when Star left, mother's new boyfriend left, too. Then it began, me and my mother. When she ran away ... I would go find her. She would call from remote places, and I would figure out where the hell she was and go get her. One time she was all the way in Texas!

"Of course, until I had a car, I was hitching or bussing or working odd jobs to get back to Montana. I made it sound like an adventure. I was really just scared to death. Afraid each time I got in a stranger's car they would kill me or worse.” Chance dared a look at him. The moonlight reflected off his strong features. His jaw was set, his eyes focused on the sky above. He was beautiful. His presence calmed her. “The only time I really felt like I was worth something was when I was at this ranch. Here, with your family, with you. It's a scary thing to love someone and know that deep down you're not who they think you are. I thought for sure each time I came back you would know the truth. You would call my bluff, but you never did. And the lies got bigger, the tales taller, and I got deeper in the hole."

"You had a shitty childhood, Chance, and apparently a shitty life as a young adult. But you lived with me a year, in my house, slept in our bed, and you never once trusted me enough to tell me?” The betrayal he felt was a live energy pulsing through the air. He wasn't looking down on her, he wasn't condemning her, and he wasn't going to coddle her either.

"When do you tell someone you've been living a lie for fourteen years?” She almost choked on the words.

"Before you accept a ring maybe.” He let out a long breath. “I knew I had let you down, knew I had failed you somehow, but I had no idea it was this bad. I don't know you. And you obviously don't know jack shit about me if you thought that I would feel any different about you because of this.” Heath rolled to his side, away from her.

"How do you feel about me?” She placed her hand on his heavy thigh. The connection sent a wave of welcome heat over her, wrapping her like a blanket.

"I don't know.” He shrugged.

"Okay.” That was better than hating her. “You should know that I cut my mother off after I got to school."

"Why then?” he asked.

"Because I needed her. I spent all that time going to her rescue, and when I needed her most ... she wouldn't come to me. I had to go see a psychiatrist. Heath.” This was it. The last thing she had to tell him. “I was going to come back a month after I was there. I missed you, and I was miserable. Then, I fell down the stairs at the dorm, slipped on a stupid wrapper. I didn't think anything of it, but then I started bleeding, and it wasn't time, so I went to the doctor."

"Chance?” He rolled over and sat up. His eyes were fierce, and she feared his reaction.

"I had a miscarriage. I know I should have called or something, but you never called me or anything. You paid the doctor bill but didn't contact me even to cuss me out. I thought..."

"Jesus Christ, Chance!” Heath grabbed her arms and shook her. “It was a bill. It didn't say where you were or what had happened. You lost a child, our child? Son of a bitch!” And he was up on his feet in a flash.

"You're mad. I understand,” she started.

"Mad? Mad? I'm not mad, I'm ... I'm fuckin’ falling apart here. I find out a year later that I lost a child? Jesus! God, what did I do to deserve this?” And then he was on his knees. “A baby."

His head shook, and she wasn't sure what to do. Tears were already slipping down her cheeks. She had no idea he was going to be this devastated.

"Heath.” She crawled over to him. “I'm so sorry."

"God, Chance. You should have called me.” Then, he reached out and pulled her into his arms. “I'm so sorry you went through that alone. I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed."

"Don't say that! You are what I needed, what I need!” This was her hole. She dug it herself. She lied and tricked him, and she manipulated him just like she had watched her mother do to men who passed in and out of their lives. He didn't deserve that. He damn sure didn't deserve to hear about her miscarriage a year later. “I was a fool not to tell you. I was afraid that if you knew who I was, about the abortion, my mother ... you can have anyone."

"Anyone but you.” When he pulled back, she watched a tear stream down his cheek. He ignored it and swallowed hard. She didn't know what to do. It was like watching a mountain crumble. To know she had done that to him...

"Heath. You have to forgive me. I'm begging you,” she said between sobs. “Please."

"Come on. Let's go home.” He sniffed and stood. He pulled her to her feet and then guided them both back to the truck. “His name?"

"Who's name?” She sobbed as she crawled into the truck, Heath's hands guiding her.

"Chance.” It was a warning.

"Roy Booker.” She wiped at her face and avoided her reflection in the rearview mirror. She started to slide across to the passenger side, but his hand on her thigh stopped her.

"Just ... sit here.” And she did. They drove back to the house in silence. More silence greeted them as they walked into the kitchen. Only the rattle of his keys on the countertop and the flicking of light switches traveled on the air.

"Man, I'm beat.” He stretched and headed to the refrigerator.

She stared at his large broad back. She wasn't sure what to do really. She had no idea where she stood in his life at that moment, but she was standing there in his kitchen. “Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, but..."

"I'll make something.” The world lifted off of her shoulders, and the relief of doing something familiar, something she was good at, eased the mood. She walked over and nudged him out of her way, so she could see what he had to work with. She frowned, not a lot. “Hmmm, I can make steak and eggs. You like that."

"You don't have to.” She detected the hopeful tone in his voice.

"Go take a shower and relax. I'll be done in no time.” She patted him on his chest. The touch was as soothing to her as it seemed to be for him. His frown lifted, and his shoulders relaxed. He dealt with a lot in the last couple days. “Go on."

"Thank you.” He grabbed her hand and held it there over his heart. The flood of emotions racked her through and through. Could he possibly still love her? Even after all he now knew? So much emotion passed between them in one instant it was hard to tell.

He let go and headed off to the bedroom. She grabbed the defrosted steak and carton of eggs and sat them on the counter. When she knew he was out of sight and hearing distance, she sank against the cold hard refrigerator door and held herself. “You are not going to screw this up again, girl. That man was the only good thing you ever had, and you ruined him, but that was then."

She stood upright, ran a paper towel under the water faucet, and wiped her face. There was no makeup left. She looked at her reflection in the window above the sink. She could see the barn, the fields, and the great Montana sky. Farther away she could see the porch light on at Jack's house. To the right about the same distance she could see a light on inside Jan's. Rafe's house was on the same side as Heath's, so she couldn't see it, but she knew it was there. She knew he was probably in it. And she knew for damn sure this was where she belonged. This was always where she belonged. “This is now, Chance. Live up to your name, girl, take one."