She's Gone: A Novel (35 page)

“You’re going home next week?”

“Yep, I’m ready for some home cooking too. Are you going home?”

“No.”

“What about Christmas?”

She shook her head.

“When was the last time you were home?”

“About a year and a half ago.”

“Geez, they must really miss you. You should plan a trip.”

She nodded, unable to speak, her throat tightened. It seemed like she’d been gone for years.

“I have to run to class. I’ll meet you at the museum at one o’clock Saturday. Ciao.” He left her a generous tip, waved to Dimitri and disappeared out the door.

“Ciao,” she half whispered.

She went to Millie. “Can you keep an eye on my station? I’ll be right back.”

Millie nodded. Jolie went into the back room, tears filling her eyes. Everyone was going home for the holidays. Other staff whizzed by in a blur. Not wanting anyone to see her crying, she opened the large walk-in refrigerator door and entered the cold room. She sat down on a cardboard box of produce and put her head in her hands. Tears flowed. The smallest things set her off now. But home for the holidays wasn’t really a little thing, was it?

The door opened. She stood up quickly. She was cold now and moved toward the door. Dimitri walked in.

“I thought I saw you come in here, but you never came out,” he said. He saw her tears. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Did Nick upset you?” His tone was protective.

“No. I’m just a little homesick.”

“Ah, I know something about that. Most of my family is still in Greece.”

In the bathroom she washed her face in cold water and returned to her customers.

“Are you okay, honey?” Millie said, looking into her red eyes.

Jolie shrugged.

After her shift, she waited out front for Will. He was late again. She finally heard the rumble of Old Blue coming down the street. She slid into the bus, shivering, and sank into the seat. He shifted into gear and started down the street. A few blocks later he turned to her. “Why so quiet?”

She shrugged in the dark. She wanted to tell him how homesick she was but he always brushed it aside.

“No customer reports for me tonight?”

“No.”

“Oh, come on. Usually you have something that happened, or you met somebody that was interesting.”

“Not today.”

Will glanced over at her again. She sat crumpled in the seat. “Tired?” He flipped on the radio and Ray Charles filled the air. She closed her eyes in the dark.

45

You Can’t Always Get
What You Want

Saturday afternoon, Jolie sat on the steps of the Museum of Fine Arts, waiting for Nick. She was early, anxious to see the exhibit. And she was excited to see Nick outside of the restaurant. Will would never take the time to see a photography exhibit at an art museum. Nick walked up the street with purposeful strides. His shaggy brown hair swayed with each step. A radiant smile spread across her face and a wave of euphoria filled her. If only she could hold onto that feeling forever.

Nick paid their admission, and they moved slowly through the
Ansel Adams
exhibit, pausing at each photograph and discussing it in hushed voices.

“I’ve seen some of these in books. I can’t believe I’m standing in front of them,” Jolie said. “Look at the depth, the layers of light. He captures the natural beauty.”

He smiled at her. “He’s a master.”

After wandering through the exhibit rooms for a few hours they looked around the museum shop and headed to the museum cafe.

They ordered tea and sat at a corner table. Jolie turned the pages of the Ansel Adams book Nick had bought her in the shop.

“What’s Will up to?”

“He’s at the office, as usual.”

“Are you happy?”

Jolie looked into his eyes, surprised by the question. “Happy? What do you mean?”

“Are you happy with him? Does he treat you well?”

Was she happy? Most of the time she felt more wounded than happy. She couldn’t honestly say she was happy. “I’m not sure.”

“You can leave him, you know. We could be together. We would be happy.”

Leave Will for Nick? Her mind whirled. Her feelings for Nick overwhelmed her. It would be a very different life with Nick. But she would have to tell him the truth about her age and that would lead to too many complications. She wasn’t who he thought she was. Her life was a lie. She shouldn’t even be there with him.

“I can’t,” she whispered.

“Jolie, I want to be with you. I know in my heart you’re the one for me.”

She would never start a relationship with a lie. And now the lie was coming between something that could make her happy, really happy. Tears fell down her cheeks. “I can’t leave him.”

“Don’t let him control your life. He’s not good enough for you.” He reached out and took her hand. “I can help support you in college. You don’t have to be a waitress.”

“Will and I have been through too much together.”

“He doesn’t deserve you. I see so much potential in you, so much love and strength, and it kills me that it’s being wasted on him.”

She held his hand as his words cascaded down around her.

Thanksgiving was upon them. Nick was in Chicago, Leah and Sarah were off to New York, and Ginger and Sam were headed to Nantucket to Sam’s parents’ second home. Jolie planned Thanksgiving dinner at their house for anyone not going home. Adam, Charlie, and six stray student volunteers arrived mid-afternoon. Jolie greeted them at the door in a black velvet jacket and pants. Layers of bangles jangled on her wrists and a silk-beaded headband adorned her head. The arrivals had even dressed up a bit. Charlie wore a button-down vest over a long sleeve dress shirt. Adam sported a Nehru jacket. Two of the women wore dresses, and the guys wore tweed or cashmere sport jackets that were discarded immediately.

Jolie had thrown herself wholeheartedly into cooking the pilgrim feast. The aroma of turkey, herbs and spices wafted throughout the house. She joined the group in the living room and sat on the couch between Will and Adam. Will played “Can’t Find My Way Home” on the guitar, a rippling torrent emanated from the strings.

As small talk ensued, Jolie’s mind wandered back to Nick and their conversation at the museum. From the periphery of her mind, she heard Adam talking to her. “Jolie girl, where are you? You’re a million miles away.”

Jolie looked at him and then glanced around the room. All eyes were on her, including Will’s who continued to strum his guitar. “Oh, just thinking,” she said. There was a knock on the door, and she got up to answer it. Lily stood with a bottle of wine.

Surprised, Jolie stood unmoving.

“Will invited me,” Lily said.

“Oh.”

Lily offered her the bottle of wine. They both glanced into the living room. Will smiled broadly at Lily. Jolie took the wine into the kitchen and checked on the turkey. When she joined the group again, Lily was sitting between Will and Adam. Charlie offered her his seat, but she shook her head and sat cross-legged on the floor with her back against the side of his chair.

Later, Jolie laid the feast on the table, and they sat down. Will toasted. “To the cook.”

“To the cook.” They all raised and clinked their glasses.

“To the turkey,” Adam said.

“To the turkey,” the group chanted and clinked glasses again.

Dishes of food were passed around. It was quiet for a moment as the first bites were taken. Hums of appreciation ensued.

Will started a lively political discussion. “There are three centers of revolution in the world: Moscow, Peking, and Havana.”

“Don’t forget Cambridge,” Adam said.

Detached, Jolie looked around the table at the group and the food. These were the same recipes her mom used. She had the sudden urge to call her, to hear her voice. She could see her so clearly.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Charlie’s voice. “Jolie? What’s the matter? You look so sad.”

“I was just thinking about my mom.”

Will quickly turned to her and held her gaze with a fierce intensity. He didn’t want her talking about home. There were too many ways to get tripped up in lies. She looked away and caught Charlie’s eye, his eyebrows raised in concern.

46

The Blue Hole

December was bitter cold and brought more snow. Jolie traipsed around the parks in the piercing cold, taking photographs. She had switched back to black and white film. The winter landscapes were too stark for color. The most beautiful place was the temple. Blanketed in snow, the Buddha statue near the pond encircled with tall bamboo brought her peace.

In the dark room she developed the contact sheet and thought about Nick. She hadn’t seen him since before Thanksgiving when they’d said goodbye at the museum. Each day at work she looked for him, but he hadn’t come. She missed him. His words still echoed in her mind. All of them. He’d surprised her by opening up and putting his heart on the line. That was brave. She’d come close to telling him the truth. It was an impossible situation. He had told her to think about it and to call him if she changed her mind, but he wouldn’t wait forever. There was no future for them, yet he tugged at her heart.

She shouldn’t think about Nick. Will was her man. She had changed her life for him, and she would stand by him. She clipped the contact sheet up to dry. The temple shots stood out in their intimacy.

In her spare time, she studied for her GED test and attended the chemical pollution meetings. Her passion for the forum was fueled by the gloomy winter. She continually brought their position articles into the office for printing and distribution. Will grumbled, but Adam printed the articles in the
Central Underground Press
, and Charlie sent them to agency subscribers. The subscribers clamored for more. The campaign to ban DDT was in full force.

On a sodden, blustery Saturday, Jolie stopped by the office. She had just come from an anti-pollution forum at Harvard and was delivering an article supporting the ban of DDT and other synthetic pesticides and herbicides. Will was there with Adam, Lily, and some shaggy looking students. The phone was ringing, and the telex chirped continuously. Jolie handed Adam an article to print in the next issue.

“DDT, it even sounds nasty,” Adam said.

“I don’t get the whole DDT issue,” Lily said. “It’s like such a small thing in the world to worry about.”

“It’s actually a big thing. We’re all connected to the earth. It’s affecting everyone,” Jolie said.

“It’s not affecting me,” Lily said.

“It’s hidden,” Jolie said.

Lily tilted her head and smiled dismissively. “Hidden? Like Don Juan magic?”

Jolie bristled. “DDT accumulates in soil and water and gets into the food chain. Animals eat the crops, we eat the crops and the animals. The pests become resistant, the farmers spray more powerful chemicals that flow into the rivers and into the sea, the fish die, humans get cancer….”

She stopped. Will had joined them and stood listening. “Anyway, we eat and drink pesticides, and now they’re in our bones. It’s basic biology. We’re polluting the earth and its inhabitants through human carelessness.”

“I wish you’d put that passion into things that need to be done around here,” Will said.

She glanced out the window. Rain came down in sheets, sideways in the wind. “I can help today.”

There was a price to pay for getting her articles published. Adam put her to work laying out the next issue. She strategically put the article championing the ban on DDT on the front page: DDT:
The Elixir of Death
.

Jolie walked into the high school in Dorchester one Saturday in December at the appointed time. A man led her and about fifteen others into a classroom and handed them each a thick GED test packet. A wave of uncertainty filled her. The weight of the test alone was intimidating. They took their seats at old wooden desks carved with decades of initials. The man read the test rules and sat down at the desk in the front of the classroom. He set the timer, sat back, and observed.

Jolie inhaled deeply. Release the tension, focus on the goal. She still hadn’t told Will she was taking the test. She exhaled and tried to relax. She either knew it, or she didn’t. She could always take it again if she failed.

She bowed her head over the desk, her fingers taut around the pencil as she read the first question. Calmness settled in as she worked through each section of the comprehensive exam.

At 4:00 p.m. the timer dinged. “Set down your pencils…now,” the man said. He walked through the aisles and collected the tests. “The results will be mailed out in January. Good luck, everyone. If you don’t pass, you’ll know from the score results what subject to work on.”

January seemed like an eternity.

Holiday lights brightened the winter gloom. Oversized ornaments sparkled in storefront displays, and large bows adorned doorways. Shoppers crowded the sidewalks along with street musicians heralding holiday music.

Jolie put up blue lights in the front windows of the house. She relished the holiday mood in the evenings. Daniel was drawn into the magic, never having had Christmas lights at home when he was
growing
up. She put up multicolored lights in the front windows at the office.

She printed and framed photographs as gifts. For Charlie, she selected the temple scene in the snow with the Buddha and pond. Leah would get a photograph of Central Park from their trip to New York.

For Nick, a photo from the Emerald Necklace hike, a landscape shot of Jamaica Pond in stark Ansel Adams style. She wrapped it and brought it into the restaurant. She stored it in her locker, hoping he’d stop in. His last words were to call him if she changed her mind. His phone number was tucked safely into her wallet. But he stayed away. Would she ever see him again?

She stopped by the leather store and bought Will a soft brown leather notebook that he admired every time they went there. He unfailingly picked it up and held it, turning it over in his hands before setting it back down. It was the perfect gift. His old notebook had been missing for some time.

One Sunday afternoon, Will met with the professor at the office. When he came home later he said, “The professor invited us to his house for Christmas dinner.”

“Really?” Her face lit up. She envisioned a formal dining room set with china and crystal, drinking eggnog by a roaring fire—

“I declined.”

Her vision collapsed. “Why? That would be fun.”

“Where are Adam and Charlie and the gang going to go? They all expect to come here.”

She didn’t mind cooking, and Charlie and Adam always pitched in to help with the dishes, but he should have asked her. Maybe she wanted a change.

“Does Lily expect to come here too?”

“No, she’s going home.”

Everyone was going home. He moved to her side and stroked her hair as he always did. She stiffened. The gesture maddened her somehow.

As the holidays approached, the colleges went on winter break, and the mass exodus home started. Jolie tried to control her thoughts and not think about home. She had a new life now, and they knew she was safe. She had to let them go.

Things slowed down at the office. Will and Adam worked on the year-end issue. It was shaping up with a memorial to all the soldiers who had died that year. Music icons Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin would have separate remembrances. Charlie worked on a satire of the country’s failings. Adam selected Jolie’s photo of the temple in the snow as the full page cover with a Peace on Earth caption.

On Christmas day, Jolie withdrew to the temple. In the quietness of the vast wood-beamed library, she breathed in remnants of incense and read Buddha’s teachings. A different monk sat reading at the far end of the wood table. He acknowledged her with his kind eyes and faint hint of a smile.

She understood the three Noble Dharma Seals and Four Holy Truths, and now worked her way through the Noble Eightfold Path. She read a page and sat back to contemplate the meaning and connectedness of what she had learned. It all fit together so perfectly: transforming suffering into peace, joy, and liberation.

The new year rang in with an ice storm. Old Blue wouldn’t start in the arctic cold. Jolie rode the subway home every night after work. Her pea coat was too thin for the cutting cold, and she constantly tugged the beanie over her ears. The three-block walk from the T station to the warm house was bone chilling.

One night after work, an official-looking letter addressed to her was propped on the kitchen table. Her GED test results had arrived. Engulfed in trepidation, she glanced into the living room at Daniel and waved. With the letter in hand, she slipped into her bedroom. Her mind buzzed with anticipation. Breathe. She opened the envelope and read. In a daze she reread the short paragraph. She had passed all of the sections. Her High School Equivalency Certificate would be sent to her within the month. With letter in hand, she leapt into the air. “Yes,” she whispered.

Will came in and startled her.

“Why the big smile?”

She handed him the letter and waited in anticipation while he read. He’d be so proud of her. She was proud of herself.

He handed the letter back. “A lot of good this will do you.”

She turned his words around in her mind. It would do her a lot of good.

“It’s a step in my future.”

“Your future is the revolution. I have to make a phone call.” He turned and left the room.

She reread the letter once more, folded it and placed it in her bottom drawer next to the list of colleges Nick had given her. Nick. Her elation faded even more when she thought of him. He would be proud, but she couldn’t tell him. He assumed she was already a high school graduate.