I think my heart just stopped. “You invited Kevin and Arin?”
“That's okay, isn't it?”
“Since I don't know what the surprise is, I guess I don't know the answer to that question.”
The doorbell rings. It's Sam. Sam is big, burly, and constantly worried about where his next meal is coming from. Especially when he doesn't have to pay for it. “Hey, Ash.” He nods a chin my way. If he was smaller, I'd check him for furry feet to see if he was a hobbit. “What's for dinner, big guy?” Sam asks Seth.
“I'm ordering pizzas.”
Half of us are on Atkins, but I don't mention that. Let's all just have a gluten fiesta because I have a feeling carbs are going to be the least of my problems tonight.
Kevin is the next to arrive, and he's got a bouquet of peach-colored roses. “For the guest of honor.” He holds them out toward me and winks as I take them. Our gazes catch, and I pull mine away. Like the good, almost-engaged girl I am.
“Thank you,” I say, as I take the roses, careful to avoid further eye contact. “You must own stock in a florist.” Eye contact is very dangerous with a man who looks like Hugh Jackman and talks like a romantic lead. Kevin fulfills all my romantic fantasies, but none of my practical realities. He's too perfect, and I think he's looking for a breeder rather than a mate. This scares me and my astounding SAT scores: Chivalry is to men in Silicon Valley like manners are to the straight guy on TV.
Kay comes to the door next, and she's wearing a dress. Go figure. I never knew she owned one. She takes one of her pumpkin-spice loaves and hands it to Seth. “I thought you might like this for dessert.”
“Forget dessert, breakfast for me. You all get your own,” Seth says, his blue eyes sparkling with mischief. He is really in his element here, and whatever he has in store for me, it has him giddy. I haven't spent much time around a giddy Seth, and it's disconcerting, but kinda cute too.
Brea and John finally arrive, and she looks like
she's
expecting an engagement ring. She's wearing Lilly maternity cords and a hand-painted top around her bulging belly. As usual, she's gorgeous. Arin hasn't shown, and most likely she's too busy flirting with some non-believer somewhere to grace us with her presence.
“Hey!” Brea's smile dies the moment she notices Seth's sweatshirt. “Seth, are you dressed for the occasion?”
He looks down at the Cardinal-red letters emblazoned across his chest. “I'm dressed for anything. Stanford rules!” He lifts his arms up. “Okay, everyone, I know you're dying to know why I've asked you all here.” He does a little dance with his legs. “I can't wait to tell you!”
Seth reaches for me and looks into my eyes. “Ashley, we've been dating for some time now, and in that time, I've heard you mention more than once that the quiet of your house is driving you crazy. That you longed for some companionship and excitement.”
I shake my head slightly to imply the rudeness aimed at Kay here, but Seth doesn't get it. He just keeps blabbering.
“Come on, what's this about, Greenwood?” John asks.
Yeah, what's this about, Greenwood?
“Okay, wait here.” Seth runs to the back room of his condo, and comes out withâno, it is definitely not a black velvet box. It has two eyes, a wet nose, floppy ears, and it's wearing a blue bow. “I looked forever to find you a purebred boxer; that's why I had to cancel the last time, but then I found this guy at the pound, and he has a little boxer in him. He's part terrier, too, and they assured me he'd be no bigger than fifteen pounds.” He looks at Kay. “I hope this is all right, Kay, but I just knew Ashley needed someone to keep her company.”
Someone
, Seth.
Someone. And what's Kay, raw beef?
He thrusts the puppy at me. “What do you think?”
Searching for words here. “I don't know if I can take a pet. I'm leaving for Taiwan tomorrow,” I stammer.
“That's the best part. I'll take him when you're gone. This is a no-brainer, Ash. You'll see.” He hands me the puppy, and I feel the tears welling as I hold this precious puppy. He's warm and quivering slightly. His sad, brown eyes look lost and abandoned, and I see he's familiar with pain too. Maybe we have more in common than I thought. It takes everything within me not to burst into tears.
A dog. He bought me a dog. Our commitment is not marriage, but duel custody of a puppy.
Kevin comes besides me, puts the flowers aside, grabs my hand and squeezes, and I feel a tear escape.
No, no, please don't show me any kindness. I will definitely lose it.
Brea knows me well, and that's why she won't look at me.
I pick up the puppy, and he licks my face and settles into the crook of my arm. I wish everyone wasn't here staring at me for my reaction because I want to take this dog and just be done with the whole human aspect of my life. I cuddle close against him, trying to forget where I am.
“He's gorgeous,” I finally say, and everyone breaks into applause, which scares my little puppy and I tighten my grip so he'll know he's safe.
Brea's eyes are filled with liquid, and she's shaking her head. John is holding her by the elbow. I fear for Seth. If she had a blunt object, he might really be in danger here. She moves closer to Seth, with John at her heel. “Did you really buy Ash a dog without asking her?” she demands.
“I adopted it from the pound. Isn't he perfect? Look, they already love each other.”
The puppy and I are clinging to each other for life, unsure of the foreignness surrounding us. Kevin approaches me again. “The dog is sweet, Ashley. The kids at the hospital will love him if you ever want to bring him by.”
I look at Kevin and feel tears running down my cheeks.
“I think the puppy needs some fresh air.” Kevin opens the door and yanks me out onto the walkway.
I can't speak for a moment, then I look at the dog, and my true feelings burst forth. “How could I be so stupid?”
Kevin's jaw tightens. “Why do assume it's
you
, Ashley?”
“I should have known. Why didn't I know, Kevin?”
He places his hand upon my cheek, and wipes away the tears. “Because sometimes it's easier to pretend.” He picks up the puppy. “Let's go back in. Don't let him see you fall apart.”
I nod and straighten my shoulders, opening the door. Kevin deposits the puppy in the foyer, and waves good-bye, offering me a last look of support . . . and disgust.
“Don't you want to stay for pizza?” Seth asks him.
“No, and Ashley's on Atkins; order her a salad.” With that, Kevin leaves and I wish I were going with him.
Brea and John are next. “It's a cute puppy, Ashley,” Brea says quietly. “Call me.” Those are her actual words. But what she's really just said is,
“Kill him, Ashley, and then call me and tell me the grisly details.”
Kay looks disgusted too. “See ya at home. Considering our hard-wood floors, I don't know where you're going to put that thing.” The door slams behind her.
So now, it's just Seth, me, the puppy, and Sam waiting for free pizza. You know, I guess I knew it wasn't an engagement party, but why did it have to be a public humiliation in front of everyone I'm close to? I could have done without that. I hand Seth the puppy.
“Thanks, but I don't think I can keep him,” I say, sorry I'm taking my anger out on the poor innocent animal.
Seth has rejection written all over his face. I want to ask him how it feels. At least all his friends weren't here to witness it like mine were. Only Sam, and his sole concern is extra sausage. I exit without my Ann Taylor suede jacket, but with my dignity intact. For the moment.
I
'm haunted as I drive away from Seth's, not just by guilt and Seth's devastated expression, but by those big, brown puppy eyes peering up at me and the immediate connection we made. It's as if the dog's licking my cheek sealed the deal. I can still see his white socks against the rust and black of his coloring. He is so tiny.
He needs me.
That is
so
my dog. I turn my car around on a dime and squeal back to Seth's door. I can hear my heels clicking as I run up the walkway, which only reminds me how great I dressed for this nonoccasion. What a waste.
I pound on the door, and Seth opens it with crossed arms. His bright blue eyes are clouded, and I feel like he can barely look at me. It's as though I have rejected his firstborn.
“I've changed my mind,” I say. “Can I have my dog now?”
“Oh, so it's your dog now?”
“Yes.”
“I don't want to give him to someone who doesn't appreciate him.”
But my puppy comes bounding out and nips at my ankles, and I pick him up and place his warm face against my cheek. “See, he knows who he belongs to. Hewo baby.”
“Do you want to know his name?” Seth asks with his hands on his hips.
“His name? He has no name yet. I'm naming him.”
“His name is Bounder, according to the shelter.”
“No, his name is . . .” I lift him up and his little legs scamper for security, and I gently place him back into the crook of my arm. “His name is Rhett Butlah. He has that Clark Gable look, don't you think? Handsome, romantic, and masculine . . .” Rhett and I Eskimo kiss to seal the deal.
“Rhett Butler?”
“Not Butler, Butlah, so you get the whole southern thing going on. Get it?”
Seth's got that confused look. “I think being named Ashley Wilkes and having a dog named Rhett Butlah is a little over the top, don't you?”
“If you had gotten me a girl, it would have made more sense to call her Scarlett. Then Ashley and Scarlett would have finally been together.” Rhett licks me again. “But I don't want any old girl. I want Rhett.” I coo and am rewarded with a wet snuggle into my neck. If this don't beat all. Why was I trying so hard to get married when a dog was exactly what I was looking for all along?
Sam comes lumbering in to the foyer and shows his disappointment that I'm not the pizza man. “You're taking the dog now? Thought he wasn't good enough for you?”
“It's my dog,” I say with simplicity.
“You didn't act like you wanted it. Seth's been looking for just the right dog for weeks now and you were ungrateful.”
Yes, well, Seth should have been looking for diamonds, but he's forgiven.
“I didn't think I wanted a pet. Too much responsibility and all that. It's generally good to give a girl time to get used to an idea. With my new job I never know when exactly I'll be home.”
“Well, if you can't handle a dog, how are you going to handle a kid? That's what Seth wanted to know, and it looks like he's got his answer.”
Seth socks Sam in the arm and I'm glaring at both of them.
“You're testing me? Rhett is just another test?”
“No, I'm not testing you. I've just never really seen you with a baby, well, besides Miles occasionally. Do you even want kids?”
My eyes are tearing up, and this makes Rhett whimper. “Why didn't you ask me, if you wanted to know my thoughts on children? It seems a straightforward question when you've been dating me nine months.”
What if it turns out I can't have kids
, I think
. What then?
“I can't make everything perfect for you, Seth. I'm not perfect.”
“It wasn't about that, Ashley.”
“There are no guarantees in life, Seth. I don't come with a warranty. You can't kick my tires, and I can't assure you that I'll be rich, healthy, or thin for the rest of my life.” I turn on my heels with Rhett tightly clasped.
“Ashley, wait.” Seth reaches for my arm, and when our eyes meet, mine are filled with tears, but I'm not feeling sad. I think rage would be a better word.
“How could you do this to me?” I look back at Sam, who seems quite pleased with himself. Getting his buddy back for free pizza and burritos is all he cares about. Me? I'm dispensable.
“I don't want a guarantee.” Seth is shaking his head frantically. “But I want to know that we're going to work. I don't want to invest in this and have it fall apart.”
Sam is polishing off a bag of chips, watching us like we're the evening sitcom.
“Do you mind, Sam? This is kind of personal,” I say, putting Rhett down at my feet.
Sam shrugs and falls onto the couch and clicks on the TV with one fluid movement.
“Rhett is as much of a commitment as you can make, isn't he?” I ask Seth. “When Kay offers me part of her house, it's more than you're willing to do, and she's just a Christian sister, Seth.”
Seth clasps his eyes shut. “I don't want to get married, Ashley.”
Hah! I knew it
. “I'd make a terrible husband and a worse father. My dad shipped us off to an all-boys English school while he preached in China, and I don't know the first thing about women. I keep trying to blame you or find faults in you because it's easier, but it's my problem, and it isn't getting fixed. Not even for you, and I love you, Ashley.”
I can't breathe. I love Seth, but he doesn't fear being a bad husband any more than I fear being a bad wife. But this is about him. This is about him giving up freedom and autonomy and the ideal woman that he thinks might still be waiting for him.
Bad husband, my bum!
It never dawned on my woefully neurotic mind that it might not be me with the mental issues. Maybe it should have. Maybe that's what Kevin had been trying to tell me all along. A marriage won't fix Seth. And I'm not going to be one of those nursemaid women who spends her life whining about the mistake she made. I can do that single.
“I don't know what to say, Seth.”
No, I do know what to say. But what I want to say is that we can get married and work it all out. How stupid is that? So much for higher education.
“I'll never be perfect, and you'll never be happy until you get over this fear. That's fine if you're happy with this life.” I nod toward the permanent couch ornament of Sam. “I suppose we need a break. Maybe you could talk to Pastor Romanski and see if there's anything worth fighting for.”