Shine (16 page)

M
aya is talking self-esteem here. This is the hub around which all emotional development flows. Self-esteem is liking yourself and giving yourself credit for who you are and the good things you do. You have to believe you’re worthy. And that is a really hard thing to do even for women who look like they have everything.

My girlfriend and cohost on
The View
is Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and she has a tendency not to be able to take a compliment. You say to this smart, funny, beautiful woman, “Oh, you look so pretty,” and the first thing out of Elisabeth’s mouth is, “But my hair looks really crappy.” And she means it. So, the first step toward self-esteem is to believe you look good. Believe you smell good. Believe you’re smart. If all objective evidence points to the fact that you’re worthy of the prince, believe you are worthy of the prince.

Here’s how you collect some of that objective evidence: make a list of what’s
good about you—don’t just read these lines, do it, right now. You can start with the silly and go to the serious. If you have beautiful hair, write

My hair is gorgeous

If you have lovely eyes, write

My eyes send people over the moon

When someone is in need, are you the first to volunteer help? Do children like you? Are you an adventurer, willing to take risks and try new things? Do you share easily? Are you kind? Did you send a donation to the animal rescue fund during the New Orleans tragedy? Are you somehow sure inside that you have the qualities that could enable a great relationship with Prince Charming—even if you’ve never before had such a relationship? Are you funny? Do you keep going even when you feel blue? If you can answer any of these (and your own) questions in the positive, put it on your list. Do you end up with at least seven things that are good about you? Honey, you’re a terrific person—and so ready to find love!

It’s been my experience that some women have been taught to feel bad about themselves, even by well-meaning mothers, fathers, sisters, friends. I was lucky—I’ve never been taught anything but “you’re fabulous and can achieve anything you want.” If you haven’t been so fortunate, you’ve got to find your self-esteem from within yourself—because the wrong views of others won’t do it for you. A long time ago I heard a song from the artist Julia Fordham where she says she’s her own “tower block.” Interpreting a tower block as an inner strength that stands and reaches high, and blocks out all negative light and feelings of worthlessness, Fordham says she’s her own shining light, her own solid foundation, and her own energy—she pumps herself up when outside influences conspire to attack her self-esteem. I also remember reading stories about Olympic athletes who were homeless and slept in cars and were never taught to feel good about themselves; these winners became their own tower blocks as they figured out that if no one else cheered for them, they’d have to be their own cheerleaders. If the people around you put doubt into your mind,
shake it off, shake it off: don’t listen to those who tell you to change the way you do your hair or wear your clothes—if you like it.

Look—if you assess yourself and truly find you’re lacking something, of course, try to fix it. For example, if you have a dental problem and your teeth are black or crooked, you really might have a tough time until you get those teeth fixed. But if you’re getting negative comments from others about shortcomings, figure out if the comments are true or if they derive from someone who’s mean-spirited, narcissistic, or who has an agenda that’s not in your best interest. It’s sadly true that even people who love you can be wrong. Suppose you were gangly when you were eleven and your mom constantly was at you to eat more or dress differently to hide the gangliness. Those comments dug away at your self-esteem and they still do: you can weigh two hundred pounds and still feel gangly inside. But maybe your mom had her own issues. Maybe she was just wrong when she said you looked awful the way you were. Maybe you were a gangly, adorable teenager—but mom’s own problems couldn’t let her see that. Shake her off, even today, shake her off, accept that she was wrong. Treat critical people as if you were a sponge. Soak up the good and wring out the bad. Bottom line: if others have advice for you, but it’s not going to be useful, shake it off.

In the end, building self-esteem is really a matter of nurturing yourself—that’s the best way to grow as good as you can be emotionally during your journey to make your life as good as it gets, and ultimately find true love. Approach your life as though you were blessed to be living it. I mean that.

Suppose you’re a toll taker, and when people ask you, “What do you do?” you hate to answer because you secretly think you have the most boring job in the world. But what if you nurture yourself by changing the way you look at your life? What if you
will
yourself to believe you have a fascinating job—the stuff of novels? What if you look at every person who drives through that toll stop as someone who’s interesting, someone who has a story. Think of those drivers as a
Desperate Housewives
plot. On the surface of Wisteria Lane, we see middleclass people just doing their things, but behind the front doors on Wisteria Lane, there’s a story in each house. Well, every car from which you take a toll has an occupant with a different story. Make up the stories, figure out why the woman in the brand-new navy blue suit looked so tense as she drove through—
was she on her way to interview for a new job, was she worried that the suit wasn’t sexy enough for the lover she was driving to meet? Smile and say to that woman, “You’ll get the job,” or “You look great” as she drives past your tollbooth. Doesn’t matter if she heard or not. So, you can be a clerk at the supermarket or a maid in a motel: if you breathe insight into your job, it’s no longer boring. Maybe you will write the novel.

You know what? You’ve got it going on, right now, just as you are. I feel that. Be good to yourself, believe you’re worthy and beautiful inside and out. Do something about your weaknesses that really do exist. Get the teeth fixed; if you feel dumb, take a course and become an expert in something; take a makeup lesson if you don’t know how to use blusher. But listen: if you’re able to get up every morning and stand on two legs in that toll-taker or supermarket uniform, and meet and greet new people, you are worthy, you are blessed, you can make of the day what you want it to be. Believing that should raise your self-esteem, child.

And now that you like yourself better, you’ll also have no trouble making friends. I’m totally crazy about my friends, but I’ve learned to be careful where in my life I put them. Read on.

Friendship

I was always very organized, very specific when it came to my career—I thought it all out magnificently. But I didn’t approach my emotional life in the same way I did my professional life. In fact, I was plain old sloppy when it came to being the best I could be. Whatever anyone wanted, I gave. Whatever any strong person thought, I tried to think the same way. I didn’t assess my strengths or my weaknesses—I trusted to luck. I never protected myself from bad influences because I expected everyone to love and protect me. And not everyone did.

The first thing I had to do to make myself strong was to surround myself with
health-giving, positive people, the human forces in my life that would make me feel secure. That meant I had to limit the spaces around me—limit the access the world had in my life.

Then, a miracle: one day, when I was feeling drained, my pastor gave me the great gift of an image that showed me how to do it, made it all shining clear. I share that image with you.

“Think of yourself as a dartboard,” Pastor A. R. Bernard said. “You’re the center of that board—and if you remember what a dartboard looks like, the center is the tiniest circle. It’s the center that everyone tries to reach. When you hit it, you get the greatest number of points. That center circle doesn’t hold much space. If too many people converge on that tiniest circle, it becomes obliterated.

“Notice,” continued the pastor, “that the concentric circles all get larger as they get away from the center. There’s plenty of room in
those
circles.”

I understood what Pastor Bernard was trying to tell me. My friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances should have their special places in the circles around me: that was the best way to ensure my emotional well-being. I was allowing everyone into the smallest circle nearest me—I wasn’t being selective. And it was driving me nuts. Different people advised me differently. Everyone wanted different things from me. I was being pulled in a million directions, and I was being agreeable, giving and giving—even when it wasn’t in my best interests. I was letting people into circles that, frankly, they hadn’t earned. Maybe that sounds a little snobby to you; I can’t help it. It’s true. I learned that people do have to earn their way into your trust and your heart. It’s not that I’m a snob—
I promise you that—I’d never allow myself to be a snob! But it’s of utmost importance to protect yourself when you’re getting your emotional house in order.

I’ll give you an example: some people want you to stay put where it’s most comfortable for them. It’s not that they’re mean or nasty, just that they’re accustomed to you being one kind of person—and even if it’s not right for you, they encourage you to stay put. When I was fat and alone, there were many in my inner circle who were okay with Star=Fat and Alone. They could never see me being physically fit and trim and with someone. They weren’t protecting me from bad health or low self-esteem; they never thought about encouraging me to be the best I could be. They really didn’t belong in my inner circle.

Only one thing to do: I rearranged my circles.

In that tiny, inner circle today live my parents; my sister, Sheila; and my two dearest friends, Vanessa Bell Calloway and Janet Rollé. And unless you live on a distant planet, you know that when I was ready for love, I finally did meet the man of my dreams, Al Reynolds. Of course, he also lives in that tiny circle closest to me. I also added his mother Ms. Ada to this circle. Her prayers have literally saved my sanity. That circle is like my second skin. I know that when it all comes down, these people have my best interest at heart. They will always be my rocks of emotional and mental stability—I can trust them. They always have my back.

In the next circle are some real good friends—my “big sisters,” Aunt Van, Judy, Blaine, Gwen, Dale, and LaTanya; Al’s brother Ed and his wife Pam; and of course the Angels who watch over me, my bridesmaids: Lela, Lita, Holly, Cheryl, Vivica, Natalie, Marva, Denise, Lisa, Tara, Dette, Karenna—they’re all there, they’re my girls, I love them, I depend on them, and they depend on me, I wouldn’t trade them for the world. This circle is also precious. But by the same token, I have learned that I need to take care of myself, make the decisions best for me, be dominated psychologically by no one person, be in thrall to no one person. Everyone needs to be her own best advocate. That’s emotional strength. So, I keep some space between me and that second circle—even though my love always lives there.

In the other circles of that dartboard live other family members, my “boys,” my other girlfriends (the “Hostesses”), friends, colleagues, and role models. They’re all vitally important to my life, they’re amusing, interesting, helpful,
and very much a part of my life—but I now know, they’re not
first-circle important.
In my life, they’re in their correct place. When you’re getting yourself in mental shape, you’ve got to be clear about priorities. You’ve got to keep people where they belong—and that’s not always closest to your heart and trust.

Arrange your circles.

Circles