Shine (30 page)

Who’s a toxic friend? I try not to have in my life any friend who

• never brings new ideas, laughs or loyalty to the table.
  
• seems to try to control me (control often looks like helping—be careful).
  
• wants to be my friend only for what I can do for her. This friend is a user—and thus, a loser in my book.
  
• has betrayed me. When someone betrays you by gossiping, telling your secrets, or breaking a promise, it hurts deeply. That’s taking away from the table, not bringing to it.
  
• is all me, me, me, me—and enough about me, what do you think of me? Self-centered people bring only their own egos to the table. That’s not enough to be my friend forever.
  
• uses me as a leaning post. Often, very needy people choose famous, rich, or powerful people to be their friends. I may choose to help you sometimes—but real friendship with a too-needy person? Not possible.
  
• is a one-upper. One-uppers are people who always have to jump one step ahead of me. I love my friends to challenge me, but when I sense that someone is being ultracompetitive to squash me, I steer clear. That’s not a true friend.
  
• is a judge, not an advocate. Judgmental people who seem to criticize and find fault with all my decisions are not terrific for my confidence. I try to be a friend who sticks up for and supports my girls—not tears down their egos.
  

5. Give Back

There’s a Bible directive that I believe in with all my heart and I’ve written a little about this on page 218.

“Much is required from those to whom much has been given” (Luke 12:48). I look around, and I thank God for all that has been given me, and then, I give back. It’s not because I’m good or sweet or kind—it’s because the Bible tells me I must. It’s a directive.

You there—reading these words, please look around. Is there good health in your life, are there friends of your heart, can you put a meal on your table without asking anyone for help, can you rely on your own intelligence, do you own courage? If you can say yes to any one of these, let alone all, much has been given. Give back. It may be the very best way to prepare yourself for finding the biggest love in your life.

I started with my own family, who have been my rock, my inspiration from the beginning. Because so much has been given to me from them, do you know what joy it gave me to buy my parents a home, write a check for the whole thing—no mortgage payments, no taxes for them? Do you know how good I feel that I can pay for a companion to come in several hours a week to hang with my grandfather, to play checkers with him, to help him walk around the neighborhood so he can still get fresh air? And my grandmother—who has been a bigger ally? Now a lady can come in to help my grandmother with her home so she has a moment to take a shower, watch a soap opera or her granddaughter on
The View.

I could pay back every dime of the $70,000 I received in school loans. And because of my public life and even because of the pain-in-the-butt media, I could go further than my own family and debts and bring any public appeal I have to highlight community organizations like God’s Love We Deliver, Dress for Success, and Girls Incorporated, where I can mentor young women.

The glorious Oprah helped me here. She once said, “Star, at one point you’ll have to realize you’re special. They always say that everyone is created equal and everyone has the opportunity to do the same things, but in some ways that’s not true. That’s because some of us have really been given more than others. When
you embrace the fact that God has given you so much, stand in that space, accept it, and understand the responsibility.”

I buy that totally. There’s a responsibility to give back that goes along with fame and accolades but there’s also a responsibility to give back if you have ever felt lucky about anything in your life.

Give back. In a million different ways, it changes your life and the way you feel about yourself. You’ve acquitted your responsibility. Good girl.

6. Meditate

There have been too many positive studies on meditation for the following to be wrong: if you can quiet your mind for only about fifteen minutes a day, your brain will work differently and better. Angst won’t feel as—well, anxious. Scientists have told us that mind-calming hormones are actually released when one meditates or prays (and the latter is how I personally meditate). There’s no mystery in meditation: it works even before you know it’s working. The trick is to learn how to give your attention to one thing without thinking about anything else. Stress flies out the window—sometimes for a short time, but sometimes for a very long time.

Here’s one way to meditate: Sit or stand silently in a quiet place and close your eyes. If you choose to sit, place your hands palm up on your thighs. If you’re standing, let your arms hang loosely by your sides. Let go, lose it, will your stress to be out of there. Repeat one single word or a phrase over and over and over. If that bores you too much, concentrate on the way your belly moves in and out as you breathe. Or the way your tongue hangs loose in your mouth. Or speak to God.

Prayerful meditation sweeps the clutter of uneasy thoughts from your mind. Calmness prevails. Feel tranquility. Feel bliss.

7. Find an Intercessor

My friend Elena is my prayer partner and my intercessor with God. Everyone should have a trusted person who interposes on her behalf when praying—it’s
like an insurance policy, it’s double prayer. Whenever anything is going on in my life, negative or positive, she prays for me. For example, I’ll say to Elena, “I’m about to make a decision [she doesn’t even have to know the subject of my decision]—please keep me in your prayers.”

I know what her prayer will consist of: “Dear God,” she’ll say, “please direct Star to make a decision that will be to your glory.”

I am Al’s intercessor. I pray for him constantly without him knowing it or knowing that he needs it. Al’s mother is also Al’s prayer intercessor. And if you think prayer doesn’t work, if you’ve never been religious or spiritual, just go back to that moment when you desperately needed help or advice, when you were terrified and just didn’t know what to do, and you prayed anyway—and everything calmed down.

It’s a blessing to have someone who prays for you.

8. Celebrate Yourself

It’s not conceited and it’s not selfish to love yourself. How in the world can anyone else love you if you don’t think you’re worth it? In fact, if you live with self-respect and self-love, you don’t need the world to tell you how great you are, you don’t need the constant stroking that some people require. It’s the people who do not celebrate themselves or recognize their own value who need to seize all the attention because of their insecurity. These people don’t even believe it when others tell them they’re terrific because deep inside, they obsess on their own weaknesses. If you constantly find fault with yourself, I’ll bet that you look for the worst in others, as well.

So, bask in the glory of who you are and whom you will become. Be friendly to you—never limit your options. Choose to disagree with those who want to put you down (of course, always check inside to see if there is any truth to what the bad-talking person bad-talks.)

Here’s a truism: don’t let ’em dog you out. When someone dogs you out, it strikes a blow to your self-esteem. Don’t let anyone else say what you’re about or put you in a box. You know, my motto is “I am the author of the only dictionary that defines me.” If you’ve worked hard at being the best you can be, if you
know yourself as a good person, you can define yourself that way and freely celebrate yourself. People who love you know who you are. Everybody else, doesn’t.

9. Finally—the Premarital Solution

This one is
sooooo
important. Trust your Auntie Star.

Say you’ve prepared spiritually, emotionally, and physically, and you’ve found each other! Well, congratulations—but there’s still a little more work to be done. This is actually the most interesting part.

Premarital counseling is an idea whose time has come. America has the world’s highest divorce rate—half of all marriages fail. Incredible! The irony of this is that most people spend far more time planning their wedding than preparing for their marriage. The first time most couples will ever see a marriage counselor or any expert in the subleties of what will be the most important relationship in their lives is when they’re in despair and trying to avoid a divorce, when they’re trying to find things in their ruined marriage to salvage.

Doesn’t it make sense to spend a little time
before
the marriage ceremony finding out how to discuss differences in ways that actually strengthen a relationship and make intimacy—well, more intimate? You bet it does, Kendra.

Here’s a statistic: the number one predictor of divorce is the constant
avoidance
of conflict. Couples who don’t know how to handle conflict eventually just shut down. Successful couples learn to dance in spite of their clumsiness and different styles.

These premarital courses are fascinating and offered all over the place. They include small group role-playing and lectures on strengths and weaknesses of individual couples, the incredibly complicated adventures you’ll face as a couple in new parenting, sexual dysfunction issues that may arise, substance abuse, spousal abuse, depression issues, anger and communication issues, dual careers, and illness during a marriage. Some are secular courses connected to no religious base at all, and they’re taught in community centers, in private offices, on military bases, and even at county courthouses across the country. Others are courses adapted for different religious denominations, and
they’re taught in churches, synagogues, and mosques. It’s a good idea to take a course provided by a qualified expert, and these include psychiatrists and psychologists, clinical social workers, licensed marriage and family therapists, licensed mental health counselors, or an official representative of a religious organization who has had relevant training.

Let me say this: Al and I would never, ever in a million years have had a chance at a successful marriage had not Pastor Bernard suggested a premarital marriage course.

We were asked, for example, how we saw marriage during one of our counseling sessions. The following is how we each answered:

• Al
  

• Covenant between two individuals and God
  
• Incorporation of two lives and creation of one corporation
  
• Bigger than the two of us…a calling to reproduce, teach, and spread the word of God
  
• Star
  

• Lifetime commitment of love
  
• Setting of common goals based on common desires
  
• A union that is blessed and directed by God
  

And here are some marital absolutes we learned in premarital counseling.