SHIVER: 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror (35 page)

But before I could argue my case of the matzo ball any further, yelling erupted from the dining room. I quickly exited the kitchen to see what was happening, and wondered idly if I needed to get the pepper spray from my bag. When we were packing, Miles asked why I had packed pepper spray in my bag. I told him if the house was haunted, I wanted to be prepared. And like the good man he was, he rolled his eyes at my oddities and continued on his way.

“You took my jewels!” Debbie screamed at Sam, who was in nothing but his boxers.

“What jewels? What are you even talking about? Sam raised both arms in the air as if someone was pointing a gun at him. “I did no such thing! I just woke up.”

“Did you forget the rest of your clothes in our room?” I sneered.

“I slept on the couch,” Sam admitted

“Why was that?” Renee asked.

“Destiny kicked me out.”

Miles and I exchanged a silent agreement. We weren’t going to offer up the reason why Destiny might have kicked Sam out of the room. And like magic, Destiny appeared at the bottom of the steps with her bags.

“You trashy bitch! You stole my jewelry,” Debbie snarled and prowled up to Destiny.

“What the fuck are you bitching about, you beauty queen has-been.” Destiny got into Debbie’s personal space, and I swear she bared her teeth like a dog about to attack.

I realized two things were happening. First, the mystery was no longer about the high school reunion, but instead Debbie’s lost million dollar jewels. And second, things were about to get ugly real fast.

“You and your man-trash left the group yesterday so you could go into my room and steal my things.” Debbie’s hands were flailing as she spoke.

“Sugar lamb, calm down,” Bob said.

“I will not calm down. These two pieces of trash are thieves.”

“I don’t have to listen to this shit,” Sam seethed and stormed past the group into the kitchen. Debbie was right behind him, followed by the rest of us who wanted to see what was going to happen. Marie froze with a matzo ball in her hand, even if she wouldn’t admit it was one.

“Give me my things back or my husband will call the cops and take your nasty low-life asses to jail!” Debbie yelled.

“Who are you calling low-life asses, you gold-digging bitch.”

Before anyone else could react, Destiny grabbed a Danish and threw it right in Debbie’s face. Silence took over the room, but not for long.

“And you,” Destiny said, pointing to Sam. “You’re a fucking cheater and an asshole.” She threw another Danish at Sam. Like I said before, the Danish really gets the short end of the stick.

Sam slowly wiped away the cherry filling from his face. “If you weren’t such a cold bitch in the sack, I wouldn’t be looking to get some from Moxie.” Sam took the jug filled with orange juice and poured it over Destiny’s head.

“Asshole!” Destiny shouted. She wiped the orange juice from her face and turned to face me. I widened my eyes, thinking I was next to get a Danish in the face. I was truly hoping for the cherry as the cheese and I were not on speaking terms.

“You fat piece of lard,” Destiny said. “What would my boyfriend ever find attractive about you? You’re thighs are as big as a humpback whale. I’m surprised you haven’t crushed Miles’s head in between them.”

Miles quickly moved in front of me. He knew that comment would send me over the edge, and I wasn’t entirely sure if he was trying to protect me from a flying Danish or Destiny from my wrath.

I tapped Miles on the shoulder and said, “I’m okay. I’m not going to let it get to me.” Miles moved away, watching me the whole time. Tensions were high in the room, and I spoke quietly.

“I will not say anything I might end up regretting later.” I continued talking while walking over to where Marie was standing. She looked nervous as I fingered the counter and then turned around. “I don’t believe in belittling someone with hurtful words because I’m a bigger person than that.”

“I would be an emphasis on bigger,” Destiny said with a snort.

I continued. “There are better ways for me to express what I am feeling.”

“And what’s that? Eating your emotions?” Destiny retorted with a snotty laugh.

“No,” I said calmly. “With you eating my emotions.” With one swift move, I grabbed a matzo ball out of the pan nearby and pitched it right into Destiny’s face. The pieces of dough exploded on impact. But something that sparkled at impact, and everyone looked down at Destiny’s feet. Lying on the ground among the matzo ball dough was a diamond.

“Holy shit, “Renee whispered.

I quickly turned around and dug my hands in the dumpling on the counter. As I tore them open, one by one, pieces of Debbie’s jewelry came tumbling out.

“My jewelry!” Debbie squealed, running over to the counter. Marie made a sprint toward the door, but Tom and Raj blocked the way out. She was trapped with nowhere to run. Tears spilled down her cheeks as she mumbled something about foreclosure and unpaid credit card bills.

All of us watched a solicitous Marie, but when Sean burst into the kitchen, all eyes turned to him.

“What the hell happen?” he asked. It didn’t take long for him to spot the busted matzo ball and jewelry lying on the floor. He slowly looked from the floor to everyone else and then tried to reverse his entrance by slowly backing out of the room. Ryan and Miles both bolted toward Sean, grabbing him by his shirt.

“Someone call the police,” Renee exclaimed through her hand covering her mouth.

“I got it,” Bob said as he pulled his phone from his pocket.

Renee came to my side and patted my arm. “Are you okay?”

“I’m completely amazed.”

“Yeah, this turned out to be crazy.”

“No, not about that.”

“Then what?”

“I am speechless because I want her recipe to make huge matzo balls that hide things. Think of the possibilities! I could be the first Jew to patent a matzo ball!”

Renee and I
stood on the front porch as two police officers handcuffed Marie and Sean and tucked them into a police cruiser. Debbie and Bob gave a third officer a statement of what had happened. Miles and Raj walked out of the house while speaking to a fourth officer.

“It looks like Sean and Marie had a large amount of credit card debt, and they were facing a foreclosure on their house as well,” the officer said.

“It explains why they were trying to steal Debbie’s jewelry,” Raj commented.

I slowly started clapping and all four heads turned to me. “It looks like we have a winner folks.”

“What are you talking about?” Renee asked.

“Of the mystery game. No one was murdered and it turned into a case of stolen jewels. If I’d known, I would have brought my Indiana Jones costume.”

“You have an Indiana Jones costume?” Raj asked while crossing his arms over his chest.

“Hey, don’t judge. What Miles and I do in the bedroom is none of your concern.”

Renee’s body shook with laughter. “What do you do? Dig around under the sheets in search of the Holy Grail?”

“Oh, I found the Holy Grail all right, and let me tell you, it is indeed quite holy.”

“Okay,” Miles broke in the conversation. “If we are all done talking about my golden treasure, we should see how the rest of the people are before making our way back into the city.”

The four of us walked back into the house where we met up with Ryan and Tom, who were arguing again. I wanted to put them in the circus and call their act “The Arguing Gays.” They obviously have a real talent for it lately.

“I said I would drive home.” Ryan said and shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You were born with a lead foot. The last thing you need is a ticket by the Wisconsin police. They would probably write a ticket on a block of cheese.”

“Better a lead foot then a lead dick.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tom growled.

“Does have a craving for popcorn, peanuts, or cotton candy while watching this,” I asked, waving my hands at their display.

As if this circus act wasn’t enough, Destiny and Sam poured out the kitchen with Sam groveling for forgiveness.

I supposed they were the clowns in this three-ring nightmare. All we needed were the freak shows, and I figured Debbie could fill that spot with her freakishly large diamonds swooping around her neck.

Debbie and Bob returned to the house after they’d finished their statement to the police. “I just want to thank y’all for helping me find my jewelry.”

“I suppose we all worked together in solving the mystery by causing a food fight,” Renee added.

“I still was curious if those matzo balls where sinkers or floaters.” I shook my head in disappointment.

“Excuse me.” Miles turned to me with curious eyes.

“That’s what makes or breaks a perfect matzo ball. If they are nice and light, they float up to the top in yummy goodness. If they stink to the bottom, there’s too much matzo and everyone gets constipated for a week.”

“I have something I would like to sink into you,” he whispered close to my ear.

“Seriously? You’re comparing your penis to a world class matzo ball?”

“Well they do have balls.” He laughed.

“True, but thankfully matzo balls aren’t furry, and they don’t leave little hairs in your throat after you eat them.” I returned the laughter, thinking about a similar joke the first time we met.

“Since this weekend was a bust, how about we go back into the city, find a scary movie to rent, and stuff ourselves with popcorn and ice cream,” Renee suggested.

“Do you think they make horror pornos?” I asked.

“Moxie, every porno is pretty scary in its own right,” she retorted.

“No, I mean like women with three boobs or men with elephant-sized penises.”

“We could rent
Eyes Wide Shut
with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.” Ryan joined the conversation by nudging my shoulder with his.

“Ryan, I said horror movie, not a downright ‘take razor blades and gouge your eyes out’ movie.”

We all went up the stairs to retrieve our belongings, but as we came back down, we all stopped in our tracks. Destiny and Sam were making out on the couch. The bile rose in my throat, but I squashed it down. I guess all was forgiven, and I was thoroughly happy to get Sam off my back. Although, I would have loved to give him one final nut punch for being such an ass. I figured if he continued to be with Destiny, that would be punishment enough.

Miles came over to my side. “Ready to go?”

“Yes, the sooner we get out of here, the sooner we get back home and I can strip you down and have my wicked way with you.” I grabbed Miles by the front of his T-shirt and kissed his lips.

Our hazy love spell was broken when a scream rattled the walls. Miles, Renee, Raj, and I ran back up the steps to see what the commotion was about. The deafening screams came from Debbie and Bob’s room. I pushed my way into the room and sucked in a startled breath. There was Debbie with a bloody knife, and Bob’s lifeless body on the ground.

“Holy fuck!” I yelled, backing out of the room and into Miles. “Wh-wh-what happened?” I mumbled. Renee stood next to me with her hands over her mouth.

“Exactly what was supposed to happen,” Debbie said in a malicious tone. “The old asshole was supposed to be killed until you ruined everything with your fucking food fight. The idiot was having an affair, and all my money was at risk. This was my chance to off him and make it look like it was all part of the game. Do you understand what it’s like to have sex with this shriveled dick? It was deplorable and sickening. There wasn’t enough Viagra in the world to help his dick get hard.”

A gentle laugh came from somewhere in the room, and Bob’s dead body shook with mirth.

“Oh my God, he’s alive! Call 911… again!” I screamed.

“Alan,” Debbie groaned. “How are you supposed to be dead if you start giggling. Dead people don’t laugh, you moron.”

My eyes turned into large saucers as I looked from Debbie, who had completely lost her southern twang, to a not dead Bob… or Alan on the floor.

“I’m sorry, Sarah.” Bob, or was it Alan, sat up and laughed. “I lost in when you said the bit about Viagra.”

“Someone better explain this fast before I whip out my karate skills and beat everyone’s ass down,” I said.

Renee leaned into me. “Um, you don’t have any karate kills.”

“Shut it. I watch
Walker, Texas Ranger
with Chuck Norris.”

Debbie/Sarah walked over to Bob/Alan and helped him off the floor. “My name is Sarah Morgan and this is my husband Alan. We own the house.”

“Oh my God. I’ve stepped into
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
.” I flapped my arms while chiming out “cuckoo.”

“Things weren’t exactly supposed to go this way, but Alan had to brush up on his acting skills.”

“So you’re… actors?” Renee asked.

“Yes. This whole thing was a setup.” Sarah smiled as if she just won a Tony for best actress.