SHIVER: 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror (68 page)

“Yeah, you and me both, honey. Mr. Brenner, I don’t have all night! Move it along!” She banged her gavel again for good measure, narrowly missing the fingers of her clerk who was placing a file in front of her. I noticed that he had a nervous twitch, and I wondered whether or not that would be covered under Workmen’s Compensation.

“I’m warning you,” Mr. Smith said, giving me an earnest look, “if I don’t get back to the Mother Ship soon, it will be very ugly.”

“Look, Mr. Smith. I’m doing the best I can here, but the federal government is not noted for the speed of its response even during normal business hours. I wouldn’t exactly expect them to race down here at,” I glanced at my watch, “eleven-thirty PM on Halloween night because some guy from Nebulon Six doesn’t have the proper visa.”

“I’m not trying to be difficult, Mrs. Pierce. I’m merely letting you know that there could be green innards all over the floor in here if I don’t get out of this gravity.”

“It won’t be the first time, I’m sure, Mr. Smith. Now, go have a seat and I’ll let you know as soon as immigration gets here.”

I turned and headed for the defense table to get the file for my next case.  Braden was there shuffling through some papers. Even after a year of married life, the sight of him still made my pulse race. He was big and blonde, like a Norse God, and he could do things to my body that sent
me
to another planet. Braden took sexy to illegal heights.

Back in the day, the two of us had been known to engage in some very interesting negotiations in various locations here at the criminal courts building. Ironically, though, now that we worked together, we hardly ever appeared in court at the same time.  I had almost forgotten how seeing him so cool, confident and in control could melt my panties and make me want to be a bad girl.

He looked up and I saw his eyes darken. He gave me his hot Braden sex look, and I was tempted to throw myself down on the defense table in front of him and plead for mercy. The fact that we could turn each other on with just a look, while standing in the middle of Philly Night Court, was a testament to the volcanic level of sexual chemistry we had.

“Hey, Mr. Pierce,” I said in what I fancied to be my sultry voice.

“Mrs. Pierce, have you come to make a motion?” He gave me a cocky smile.

“I don’t know that we would have a chance to fully reach a resolution. The pace here is pretty frantic.” One thing I didn’t need was the pressure of trying to reach the Promised Land before Judge Epstein started bellowing somewhere nearby.

“She has to take a recess eventually. Nobody can sustain that much wrath for too long without a break. I’ve already spoken to my two clients, so I’m free and ready to engage in some private negotiations anytime you are.”

“I’ve spoken to both of mine too. If she calls a recess of at least half an hour, you’re on. In the meanwhile, while we have a moment, let’s compare notes.”

“Okay, for round one, I have this Mr. Marley, charged with trespass and prowling at night,” he said picking up a file and furrowing his brows. “He’s odd.”

“No, really?  Imagine that,” I commented, dryly.

“I mean odd even for Philly criminal court,” he clarified.

“How so?” I leaned against the table and looked up at my handsome husband. There were still moments that I couldn’t believe that a clumsy, socially awkward woman like me, had charmed a gorgeous, sexy, guy like him. Braden loved me, though, quirks and all. In fact, I suspected that he loved me because of them.

“It’s weird, I can’t put my finger on it exactly, something about the way he talks, and the way he’s dressed.”

“He’s wearing a suit,” I noted, looking up at the gallery, where people sat waiting for cases to be heard. Mr. Marley was staring at a wall as if he were watching it do something. Okay, I could see Braden’s point.

“Yeah, but it’s the cut of it …”

“The cut of it? What are you, his tailor?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged, looking sheepish. “It’s probably my imagination.”

“Oh wait, he’s the guy whose file said that he died in 1905. So, there you go. He’s odd because he’s been dead for over a century.”

“Yeah, right.” Braden rolled his eyes. “They still haven’t gotten that straightened out by the way. His case is all messed up. It’s listed on the docket for October 31
st
, but the year of his trial is also listed as 1905. There must have been some glitch in Records.”

“Either that or he’s a ghost.”

“Well then, I should introduce him to them.” Braden gestured at a team of guys in black t-shirts and ball caps who were laying wire and setting up some kind of equipment.

“Who are they? They don’t look like the Maintenance Department. For one thing, they’re not sitting in the lobby eating doughnuts.”

“Don’t you recognize the Spirit Hunters Team from television? They’re here to try to capture paranormal activity.”

“Well, they’re in the right place. Nothing here is normal.”

“How’s your close encounter of the annoying kind going?”

“Mr. Smith has an urgent need to return to the Mother Ship as soon as possible. He has warned me that Earth’s gravitational pull might result in him imploding into a puddle of green slime.”

“That would suck.”

“Yeah, especially since nothing involving Night Court is urgent to the Feds. It’s going to be a green bloodbath.” I nodded. “How about your other case?”

“Delores Crowley? She’s a strange woman who does creepy things.”

“Have small children mysteriously gone missing in her yard?”

“Nah, she’s charged with Disorderly Conduct, and Terroristic Threats.” He glanced at the file he was holding. “Oh, and, uh, littering.”

“Glad they tacked that on there. God forbid, a disorderly litterbug walk free. What’s her story?”

“She’s an exorcist.”

“Who did she threaten, Satan? And more importantly, will he be testifying?”  You needed to have a sense of humor in this business. And alcohol. It was also important to have alcohol.

“Testifying for the Commonwealth will be Mr. Evan Drake. You’re going to love Ev. Trust me. He’s such a winner.” Braden smiled.

“Even better. Speaking of people who you would never want to bring home to meet mom, my other client is Mr. Bates. There’s something
really
creepy about
him
.”

“How so?’

“He has a weird way of staring at you, and he’s so pale and still.”

“What’s he charged with?”

“Abuse of a corpse. He’s an undertaker’s assistant.”

“That last one might be the biggest reason he’s creepy. Just sayin’. ”

“Yeah. I should introduce him to Mr. Marley. He likes dead people.”

Just then Judge Epstein summoned Braden, so I decided that I would chat with the Crypt Keeper some more. He was sitting in the only shadow in the entire courtroom. It figured. I grabbed his file and headed in his direction.

He was a tall, thin, pale guy with beady eyes and a hawk-like nose. He looked like the love child of Monty Burns from
The Simpsons
, and Riff Raff from
The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
What a cutie.

“Mrs. Pierce.” He had the bubbly voice of a spokesmodel. Okay, not really, he sounded like he looked, which was like the Grim Reaper.

“Mr. Bates, we’re just waiting for your case to be called. The docket is very full this evening,” I explained in case that fact had eluded him.

“It’s the full moon,” he replied, eyes widening. A wolf cry echoed from somewhere in the distance, or it might have been Judge Epstein.

“You know, I think that’s true,” I agreed. “It seems like the full moon really does bring out all the crazies. Oh! Uh, no offense.”

“None taken.”

“So let’s go over the facts of the case once again. This was just a mistake …” I had never heard
that
one before.

“I had moved the object in question …”

“That would be Mr. Peterman?” I interrupted.

“It would be the mortal remains of Mr. Peterman. It’s kind of a funny story.”

“Hey, with a dead body involved, how could it not be?”

“I’m assigned to the night shift at the funeral parlor.”

“And Mr. Peterman gave you a ride to work?” I joked. He didn’t look amused. I had a feeling that he blended in well with the other corpses. Who knew that funeral parlors even had a night shift?

“Philadelphia is a scary place at night.” He had to be kidding.

“Were you planning to use Mr. Peterman as the Neighborhood Watch? Wouldn’t someone less dead have been a better choice?”

“I was worried that someone might steal my car.” Someone might steal his car? Hold on a second. I looked down at my file.

“That would be the 1998 Geo Metro?”

“It’s a classic. I thought that maybe if the car looked occupied …”

“And you were going to put Mr. Peterman in your car so that he could act like some sort of scarecrow?” Oh I couldn’t wait to tell Judge Epstein this one.

“Exactly.” An evil grin spread across his crooked mouth and I cringed at the sight of his jagged yellow teeth. He looked like a shark, a really creepy shark. Jinkies Scooby! “What else would I have been doing with a dead body? I wasn’t planning to take him home to meet my mother.” He burst onto a fit of laughter that could only be described a “diabolical.” It sounded like “bwahahahaha.” I wish I were kidding. I inched back a bit further. I didn’t want to think about what else he could be doing with a dead body.

“Okay, then. And if for some wacky reason, that perfectly reasonable explanation doesn’t fly with Judge Epstein, do you want me to try to negotiate a guilty plea or request a trial date?”

“Eh. See what they offer.”

“Gotcha.  Okay, see you soon.” I smiled and got up to leave. The moment I turned my back I rolled my eyes. I caught sight of Braden again. Judge Epstein had called his case with Ms. Crowley, who was dressed in every color imaginable. She looked like somebody threw up a rainbow. I think the look she was going for was Sideshow Fortuneteller chic. I decided to pause to watch. I had a feeling it could get interesting.

“What are the charges Mr. Brenner?” Judge Epstein, for once didn’t bellow. Maybe she recognized Ms. Crowley as one of her own.

“Disorderly Conduct, Terroristic Threats and Littering.”

“I assume that the defendant has not waived the preliminary hearing, because that would make my life too easy.”

“That’s correct, Your Honor,” Braden replied with a smile. God, I loved him.

“Are the Commonwealth’s witnesses present, Mr. Brenner?” she asked with a glimmer of hope shining in her steely eyes like a glint on the edge of a dagger.

“They are, Your Honor,” he replied, and the light was extinguished.

“Let’s get this show on the road then. Nothing like the intricate legal challenge of a littering case.” The attorneys and Ms. Crowley resumed their seats at opposing counsel table.

“The Commonwealth calls Mr. Evan Drake.” A guy in tight pants and a T-shirt that said, “Hello, my name is Stud,” stalked up to the witness stand. As he passed by, I saw that the back said “Kiss me before my girlfriend gets back.” Ah, there was nothing like a manly man with a fabulous wit. He looked like a real catch. The kind you throw back. He was sworn in and stated his name and address for the record. He could even spell it. Who knew?

“Mr. Drake,” Mr. Brenner began, “do you recognize that woman?” He looked over at the defense table.

“Yes I
do
,” Ev spat back in a whiny voice. “That’s the woman who threatened me.” He seemed like the type who was threatened by women in general. I could tell already that Braden was right; I was going to love Ev.  What intelligent woman with self-respect wouldn’t?

“Let the record indicate that the witness has identified the defendant, Delores Crowley. And do you recall seeing Ms. Crowley on the night of September 23rd of this year, sir?”

“Yeah. She was trying to get into my friggin’ apartment. Not that she would be the first chick to try that.” He snorted and flexed. Oh my, what a turn on. Someone stop me from tossing my panties at his feet.

“Would you please explain what you mean? About
her
trying to get in, that is.”

“I live in a two unit building. I’m on the first floor. Anyway, that wackadoo, ‘Steven,’ who lives above me, had that woman come to his apartment for some mumbo jumbo party.” He made sure to lisp as he pronounced his neighbor’s name. Wow, a homophobe too. He was getting sexier by the minute. Somehow, I thought that Ev had a smaller unit than Steven.

“What do you mean ‘mumbo jumbo party’ Mr. Drake?” Mr. Brenner asked.

“She came in and I heard furniture moving around upstairs and moaning coming from Steven’s place. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of moaning coming from my place on any given night, but this was different.” Ev sat back and gave us all what I’m sure he thought was a cocky grin, but in reality, it was more like a dicky smile. Judge Epstein was looking at Ev like one would look at a bag of burning dog pooh.