Shiver Trilogy (Shiver, Linger, Forever) (76 page)

• GRACE •

It felt like camp when I woke up in the morning.

When I was thirteen, my grandmother had paid for me to go to summer camp for two weeks. Camp Blue Sky for Girls. I’d loved it — two weeks with every moment planned out, every day accounted for, ready-made purpose printed out on colored 8.5" x 11" fliers poked in our cubby holes each morning. It was the opposite of life with my parents, who laughed at the idea of schedules. It was fantastic and the first time I realized that there might be other right ways to happiness than the one prescribed by my parents. But the thing about camp was that it
wasn’t
home. My toothbrush was grubby from being poked into the small pocket of my backpack by a mother who forgot to buy plastic baggies before I left. The bunk bed crushed my shoulder uncomfortably when I tried to sleep. Dinner was good but salty and just a little too far away from lunch, and unlike at home, I couldn’t just go to the kitchen and get some pretzels. It was fun and different and just that tiny bit wrong that made it disconcerting.

So here I was at Beck’s house, in Sam’s bedroom. It wasn’t properly home —
home
still conjured up the memory of pillows that smelled like my shampoo, and my beat-up old copies of John Buchan novels that I’d gotten from a library sale so they were doubly dear, and the running-water-shaving-sound of my father getting ready for work, and the radio speaking to itself in low, earnest tones in the study, and
the endlessly comfortable logic of my own routine. Did that home even exist for me anymore?

Sitting up in Sam’s bed, I was sleep-stupid and surprised to find him lying beside me, rolled up to the wall with his fingers splayed against it. I couldn’t remember a morning I’d ever woken up before him, and feeling a bit neurotic, I watched him until I saw his chest rise and fall under his ratty T-shirt.

I climbed out of the bed, expecting him to wake up at any moment, half hoping he would, half hoping he wouldn’t, but he remained in his crooked little sleeping pose, looking like he’d been tossed onto the bed.

I had that toxic combination of not enough sleep and too much wakefulness pumping through me, so it took me longer than I would’ve thought to make it out to the hallway and then another moment to remember where the bathroom was, and when I got there, I had no hairbrush and no toothbrush and the only thing I could find to wear was one of Sam’s T-shirts with a logo on it from a band I didn’t recognize. So I used his toothbrush, telling myself with every stroke across my teeth that this was no grosser than kissing him, and almost believing it. I found his hairbrush next to a disreputable-looking razor and used one but not the other.

I looked in the mirror. It felt like I was living life on the wrong side of it. Time passing didn’t mean anything here. I said, “I want to tell Rachel I’m alive.”

It didn’t sound unreasonable, until I started thinking about how it could go wrong.

I checked back in the bedroom — Sam was still sleeping — and headed downstairs. Part of me wanted him to be awake, but the other part of me liked this quiet feeling of being both alone and not lonely. It reminded me of all the times I’d sat reading or doing homework
with Sam in the same room. Together but silent, two moons in companionable orbit.

Downstairs, I found Cole sprawled on the couch, sleeping with one arm stretched above his head. Remembering that there was a coffeepot in the basement, I tiptoed down the hall and crept down the stairs.

The basement was a cozy but somewhat disorienting place — draftless and windowless, all the light coming from lamps, making it impossible to tell the time. It was strange to be back in the basement, and I felt a weird, misplaced sense of sadness. The last time I’d been down here had been after the car crash, talking with Beck after Sam had shifted into a wolf. I’d thought he was gone forever. Now it was Beck who was lost.

I started the coffeepot and sat in the chair I’d sat in when I spoke to Beck. Behind his empty chair stretched the bookshelves with the hundreds of books he’d never read again. Every wall was covered with them; the coffeepot was nestled on the few inches of shelf not occupied by books. I wondered how many there were. Were there ten in a foot of shelf space? Maybe one thousand books. Maybe more than that. Even from here, I could see that they were tidily organized, non-fiction by subject, battered novels by author.

I wanted a library like this by the time I was Beck’s age. Not
this
library. A cave of words that I’d made myself. I didn’t know if that would be possible now.

Sighing, I stood and browsed the shelves until I found that Beck had a few education books, and then I sat on the floor with them, carefully setting my coffee mug beside me. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been reading when I heard the stairs creak softly. Glancing up, I saw a set of bare feet descending: Cole, looking musty and sleep-tussled, a line in the side of his face where the couch pillow had pressed into it.

“Hi, Brisbane,” he said.

“Hi,” I said. “St. Clair.”

Cole unplugged the coffeepot and brought the entire thing over to the floor where I was. He topped my coffee up and poured a cup for himself, silent and solemn during the entire process. Then he turned his head to read the titles of the books I’d pulled out.

“Distance learning, eh? Heady stuff first thing in the morning.”

I ducked my head. “This is all Beck had.”

Cole read further. “Acing the CLEP test. Legitimate online degrees. How to be an educated werewolf without leaving the comfort of your own basement. Bothers you, doesn’t it? School, I mean.”

I glanced up at him. I hadn’t thought I sounded upset. I hadn’t thought I
was
that upset. “No. Okay, yeah. It does. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to finish high school. I
like
studying.” I realized after I’d said it that Cole had chosen NARKOTIKA over college. I wasn’t sure how to explain the thrill I used to get when I considered college. I wasn’t sure how to describe the anticipation when I looked at course catalogs — all those possibilities — or just the sheer pleasure of opening up a new notebook and a new textbook next to it. The appeal of being someplace with a bunch of other people who also liked studying. Of having a tiny apartment that I could rule like a queen, my way, all the time. Feeling a little silly, I added, “I guess that sounds corny, doesn’t it.”

But Cole looked thoughtfully into his coffee cup and said, “Mmm, studying. I’m a fan, myself.” He pulled one of the books to him and opened it to a random page. The chapter heading read
Studying the World From Your Armchair
and there was a graphic of a stick figure doing just that. “Do you remember everything that happened in the hospital?”

He was asking in that
ask me more
way, so I did. He detailed the
events of the night, from when I’d started throwing up blood, to Sam and him taking me to the hospital, to Cole puzzling out science to save me. And then he told me about my father punching Sam.

I thought I must’ve misunderstood him. “He didn’t really hit him, though, right? I mean, you just mean that he …”

“No, he whaled him,” Cole remarked.

I took a sip of my coffee. I wasn’t sure what was weirder, to consider my dad punching Sam, or to realize how much I had missed while lying in a hospital bed or shifting. Suddenly the time I spent as a wolf felt even more like lost time, hours I’d never get back. Like my effective lifespan had been abruptly halved.

I stopped thinking about that, and started thinking about my father hitting Sam instead.

“I think,” I said, “that makes me angry. Sam didn’t hit him back, did he?”

Cole laughed and poured himself some more coffee.

“And so I was never really cured,” I said.

“No. You just didn’t shift, which isn’t the same thing. The St. Clairs — I hope you don’t mind, I’m naming the werewolf toxins after myself, for purposes of the Nobel Peace Prize or Pulitzer or whatever — were all built up inside you.”

“So Sam’s not cured, either,” I said. I put my coffee cup down and shoved the books away from me. For it all to have been a waste — everything we’d done — it was just too much. The idea of a big library and a red coffeepot of my own seemed completely unreachable.

“Well,” Cole replied, “I don’t know about that. After all, he made himse — Oh, look, here’s miracle boy now. Good morning, Ringo.”

Sam had descended nearly silently and now he stood at the base of the stairs. His feet were bright red from a shower. Seeing him made me feel slightly less pessimistic, though his presence wouldn’t solve anything that wasn’t already solved.

“We were just talking about the cure,” Cole said.

Sam padded across the floor to me. “The band?” He sat down cross-legged next to me. I offered him coffee and, reliably, he shook his head.

“No, yours. And the one I’ve been working on. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about how you make yourself shift.”

Sam made a face. “I don’t make myself shift.”

“Not often, Ringo,” Cole admitted, “but you do.”

I felt a little prickle of hope. If anybody could figure out how the Boundary Wood wolves worked, I thought it would be Cole. He’d saved me, hadn’t he?

“Like when you saved me from the wolves,” I said. “And what about in the clinic when we injected you?” That night seemed so long ago, in Isabel’s mom’s clinic, willing the wolf that was Sam to become human. Again, the memory of sadness pressed on me. “Have you figured anything out about it?”

Sam looked petulant as Cole started to talk about adrenaline and Cole St. Clairs in the system and how he was trying to use Sam’s unusual shifts as the basis of a cure.

“But if it was adrenaline, wouldn’t someone saying ‘boo’ make you shift?” I asked.

Cole shrugged. “I tried using an EpiPen — that’s pure adrenaline — and it worked, just barely.” Sam frowned at me, and I wondered if he was thinking what I was thinking — that “barely” working sounded dangerous.

Cole said, “It’s just not making my brain react the right way; it’s not triggering the shift the same way that cold or the St. Clair buildup does. It’s hard to replicate when you have no idea what it’s actually doing. It’s like drawing a picture of an elephant from the sound it makes in the next cage over.”

“Well, I’m impressed you even figured out it was an elephant,”
Sam said. “Apparently, Beck and the rest didn’t even have the species right.” He stood up and held his hand out for me. “Let’s go make breakfast.”

But Cole wasn’t done. “Oh, Beck just didn’t want to see it,” he said dismissively. “He didn’t really want to lose that time as a wolf. You know what, if my father were involved in all this, he’d whip out some CAT scans, some MRIs, about fourteen hundred electrodes, throw in a couple vials of poisonous meds and a car battery or two, and three or four dead werewolves later, he’d have his cure. Hot damn, he’s good at what he does.”

Sam lowered his hand. “I wish you wouldn’t talk about Beck like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like he’s —” Sam stopped. He frowned at me, as if the way to end the sentence was hidden in my expression. I knew what he had been about to say.
Like you.
Cole’s mouth wore the slightest of hard smiles.

“How about this?” Cole said. He gestured at the chair Beck had sat in before, making me think that he, too, had had a conversation with Beck in this basement. That was an odd thing to consider, for some reason: Cole having a history with Beck that we were unaware of. “How about you tell me who Beck was for you, and I’ll tell you who he was for me? And then, Grace, you can tell us whose version sounds like the real one.”

“I don’t think —” I started.

“I knew him for twelve years,” Sam interrupted. “You knew him for twelve seconds. My version wins.”

“Does it?” Cole asked. “Did he tell you about what he was like as a lawyer? Did he tell you about living in Wyoming? Did he tell you about his wife? Did he tell you about where he found Ulrik? Did he tell you what he was doing to himself when Paul got to him?”

Sam said, “He told me how he became a wolf.”

“Me, too,” I said, feeling like I should back Sam up. “He told me he was bitten in Canada and met up with Paul in Minnesota.”

“Not that he was in Canada with a death wish, and that Paul bit him there to keep Beck from killing himself?” Cole asked.

“He told you that because that was what you needed to hear,” Sam said.

“And he told you the story about hiking and about Paul being already here in Minnesota because it was what
you
needed to hear,” Cole said. “Tell me how Wyoming fits into this, because he didn’t tell either of us about that. He didn’t come from Canada to Mercy Falls when he discovered there were already wolves here, any more than he was bitten while he was out hiking. He simplified the story so he wouldn’t look bad to you. He simplified it for me because he didn’t think it was relevant for convincing me. Don’t tell me you haven’t doubted him, Sam, because it’s not possible. The man arranged for you to be infected and then adopted you. You had to have thought about it.”

My heart hurt for Sam, but he didn’t look down or away. His face was completely blank. “I’ve thought about it.”

“And what is it that you’re thinking?” Cole asked.

Sam said, “I don’t know.”

“You must be thinking something.”

“I don’t know.”

Cole stood up and took the step to stand right next to Sam, and the sheer force of the way he did was intimidating, somehow. “Don’t you want to ask him about it?”

Sam, to his credit, didn’t look intimidated. “That’s not really an option.”

Cole said, “What if it was? What if you could have him for fifteen minutes? I can find him. I can find him and I have something that
should force him to shift. Not for long. But long enough to talk. I have to say I have some questions for him, too.”

Sam frowned. “Do what you want with your own body, but I’m not going to mess with someone who can’t give me his consent.”