Shopaholic to the Stars (23 page)

He continues talking for about five minutes, complimenting Tarkie, complimenting Suze, suggesting restaurants and offering to drive them out to the canyons for a hike.

‘Ahm, thank you.’ Tarkie gives him an embarrassed smile. ‘You’re very kind. I’m so sorry,’ he says to the table, as Alvie finally leaves. ‘What a fuss. Let’s get back to our dinner.’

But that’s just the beginning. An hour later, it seems as if every single person in the room has dropped by our table to introduce themselves to Tarkie. Several have pitched movies, several have invited him to screenings, several have tried to set up meetings, and one has suggested flying the whole family to his ranch in Texas. Tarkie is totally an LA player. I can’t quite believe it.

In fact, no one can believe it. Luke has been bursting into laughter a lot – especially when some studio executive asked Tarkie what was his view of the
American Pie
franchise and Tarkie said, Gosh, he wasn’t sure – was it similar to Starbucks? Meanwhile Tarkie himself looks rather shell-shocked again. I feel a bit sorry for him, actually. He came here to get away from everything, not to be besieged by people after his money.

I can understand why he spends so much time wandering around moors on his own. At least the deer don’t keep running up saying they’ve got a fabulous concept which they’d love to share with him over breakfast. Now, some guy in a shiny grey suit is asking Tarkie if he wants to visit a film set.

‘We’re shooting this great drama; it’s set on the high seas. Bring your kids, they’ll love it …’

‘You’re very kind.’ Tarkie is starting to sound robotic. ‘But I’m here for a holiday …’

‘I’ll come!’ Suze interrupts.

‘Terrific!’ The grey-suited guy smiles at her. ‘We’d be delighted to welcome you, give you the tour, you can watch some scenes being shot—’

‘Can I be an extra?’ Suze says boldly.

The grey-suited man stares at her, apparently baffled.

‘You want to—’

‘Be an extra in the film. And so does my friend Bex.’ She grabs my arm. ‘Don’t you?’

‘Yes! Definitely!’

I have
always
wanted to be an extra on a film! I beam delightedly at Suze and she grins back.

‘Your Ladyship.’ The grey-suited man seems totally perplexed. ‘You won’t be comfortable being an extra. The day is long, it’s tiring, the scenes are shot again and again … Why don’t you
watch
the scene, and then you can meet the cast, we’ll have lunch someplace nice …’

‘I want to be an extra,’ says Suze obstinately. ‘And so does Bex.’

‘But—’

‘We don’t want to watch it, we want to be
in
it.’

‘We want to be
in
it,’ I echo emphatically.

‘Well.’ The man seems to admit defeat. ‘OK. No problem at all. My people will fix it up for you.’

‘Bex, we’re going to be extras!’ Suze clutches me in excitement.

‘We’re going to be in a film!’

‘We can go and watch ourselves at the cinema! Everyone will see us— Ooh, what’s the film about?’ says Suze as an afterthought, and the man looks up from where he’s writing his mobile number on a card.

‘Pirates.’

Pirates?
I look at Suze with renewed glee. We’re going to be in a film about pirates!

DiscriminHate LA

c/o 6389 Kester Avenue
Van Nuys CA 91411

Dear Mrs Brandon

I was given your name by Andy Wyke, who was at the recent E.Q.U.A.L. benefit and heard your inspiring story.

I am president of the charity DiscriminHate LA, a lobby group set up to combat discrimination in all its forms. We consider that current definitions of discrimination are far too narrow. We have identified no fewer than 56 common grounds for discrimination and the list grows longer every day.

However, you are the first case of ‘pet-ism’ we have come across, and we would like to talk to you about your experience. Many of our members have spearheaded campaigns and we hoped you could do the same. For example you could:

Write an account of your discrimination story for our website.

Develop an outreach program for high school students who may suffer the same type of discrimination.

Lobby your local government representative for ‘Ermintrude’s Law’.

May I, at this point, offer you my sincere solidarity and sympathy. I am not familiar with the exact details of your case, but I gather it was a moving story and must have been painful for you to share.

I look forward to hearing from you and welcoming you to our fight.

All my best

Gerard R. Oss
President DiscriminHate LA
Survivor and Fighter: size-ism, name-ism, odor-ism, and sexual-practice-ism.
Author of
I’m Different, You’re Different, S/He’s Different

LHA

LETHERBY HALL ASSOCIATION
THE PARSONAGE
LETHERBY COOMBE
HAMPSHIRE

Dear Mrs Ermintrude Endwich

Thank you for your recent letter.

It is always interesting to hear from an ‘unbiased member of the public’ as you describe yourself. However, I must take issue with your various points. The LHA is not a ‘bunch of Nazis with nothing better to do than complain about fountains’. We do not ‘meet every night in some grim little cavern’; nor ‘plot like the witches in
Macbeth
’. Our dress sense is, I would suggest, irrelevant.

I also rebut your assertion that The Surge is ‘one of the wonders of the world’. It is not. Nor will we ‘all be sorry when the brilliant Tarquin Cleath-Stuart is given a medal for it by the Queen’. I cannot quite imagine which medal this would be.

May I have your address in the UK? I cannot find any record of you on the electoral roll.

President
LHA

I’ve done my research. I’m taking this seriously. I’m going to be the best extra ever.

No, not ‘extra’. The proper term is ‘background actor’. I’ve found out so much on the internet about being an extra, I feel really well prepared. For example, you should always bring playing cards or a book in case you get bored. And you shouldn’t wear green, in case they’re using a green screen for CGI. And you should bring a variety of outfits. Although that doesn’t apply in this case, as apparently our costumes will be provided. A limo has also been provided to take us to the film set, which is definitely not standard practice. They’re being super-nice to us because of Suze being married to Tarkie.