Sidekick Returns (19 page)

‘Calm down, Bart. You're getting sweaty, and it's making your make-up run,' I said, but I could see in his eyes that he was beyond all hearing. I turned back to take in the scene. A man was getting out of the car behind Queenie. A very tall, very lean, very pale man in a suit. Yup, he was the one I had seen back at the apartment. No mistaking him.

‘Now, Bart,' I said, gripping his arm. ‘I need you to focus on why we're here tonight.'

Bart's eyes never left Queenie, but he said, ‘Did you tell her I was going to be here?'

‘No, and, again, that's not why we're h—'

‘Oh, but you must have,' he said, mind gone to another place, a very dark place. ‘She knew. She didn't just pull that rabbit out of a hat.'

‘Ha! That's good.' I smacked him again on the shoulder. ‘Jessica Rabbit? Hat? I'm glad you still have your sense of h—'

‘No!' He turned on me with a sharp point. My eyes widened, which seemed to appease him because he looked back to the advancing couple. ‘Well, if she's thinks she's going to get to me by bringing a White Walker as a date, she's got another think coming.'

‘So,' I said, drawing out the word, ‘just so I'm clear. She's not getting to you?'

Crime Mime whirled his face to mine. ‘No! Not at all! Do I look like a man that can be gotted to?' A new dazed look came over his face. ‘This is you! Gotted? I don't say gotted. I'm turning into you! Oh God.' He clutched the sides of his head. ‘What is happening to me?'

I smiled. ‘There, there. Once the transformation is complete, it won't hurt so much,' I said, chuckling. ‘Get it? Like I'm an alien from that movie? You know the one? Or did I get that from a bunch of movies? You should know. You're the nerd—'

‘I
will
hurt you soon.'

‘Save it for the stage, Crime Mime,' I said, out of the corner of my mouth. ‘Now, do you really want to stick around for this? I could always meet you inside for some reconnaissance.'

‘Oh, I'm not going anywhere.' He punctuated the thought by crossing his arms just above the slight curve of his belly.

‘Two friends,' I muttered. ‘Two friends. That's all I have in this city, and they just had to go and date each other.'

‘Yeah, and it's time for you to choose sides.'

‘Sides! Sides?' I shout-whispered, glancing at the couple almost upon us. ‘I can't choose sides! Did you not just hear the part about my only having two fr—
Hello
!' Nobody answered my greeting. ‘Okay. Um, Queenie, I'm glad you could make it. I didn't know you were bringing your friend? Brother? Priest? Pet eunuch?'

She didn't reply.

I nodded, struggling to keep the smile on my face. ‘Wonderful. Isn't it wonderful? All of us together like this.'

No one spoke … again.

I smacked my lips together. ‘Well, I guess you had better introduce us.'

Still no one said anything. A fact not made any less awkward by the staring match going on between my two besties.

‘Okay, I'll start.' I extended my hand to the pale giant. ‘I'm Bre—Brenda. Sorry, tripped on my own name there. And you must be …' It took everything in me not to blurt out the words
the master vampire
.

Queenie piped in. ‘Kevin.'

‘Well, it's nice to meet you Kevin.' I cleared my throat and gestured weakly towards Bart. ‘This here is—'

‘One hundred and ninety-six.'

Everyone's eyes turned to Bart.

‘One hundred and ninety-six, and I had a cold that day.'

I leaned towards Bart and whispered out of the corner of my mouth, ‘Did you just introduce yourself with your IQ score?'

‘Of course I did,' he said. ‘Do you think Jupiter introduces himself as Mercury?'

‘What? That doesn't even make s—' My hand flew to my mouth. Then I leaned towards him and whispered, ‘You are turning into me.'

‘I will do your hair.' Kevin's voice wafted over me like a glacial wind. I turned my head slowly back to look at him. ‘I'm sorry?' I asked, trying to keep the creakiness out of my voice.

‘I will do your hair.' Everyone watched as he took a step forward. ‘I like hair. It's dead … yet it clings to the living.' He came closer still and gently pinched a few strands resting on my shoulder between his forefinger and thumb. ‘I like hair.'

I didn't know how to respond. Even Bart seemed taken aback.

‘Kevin is an undertaker,' Queenie said. ‘His family owns one hundred and ninety-seven funeral homes across the country.'

‘One hundred and ninety-eight,' Kevin corrected.

I chuckled uncomfortably, trying to ignore the strange energy wafting off the Crime Mime. ‘I like to do hair,' Kevin said again, raising a bag and giving a little rattle.

Well, it wasn't like I had a lot of options. I had tried to colour my own hair a little while back as a tribute to Ryder's fiery tresses, but I only succeeded in creating a chemical weapon on my head.

‘Well, alright then.'

‘I can do your make-up too.' A spark of life suddenly appeared in his eye. ‘I like make-up.'

I took a slow step back. ‘Why don't we take this relationship one step at a time?' I took another step. ‘What do you say, Creepy? I mean Kevin?'

He folded his hands together and nodded.

‘Okay, anyway,' I said back at full voice, ‘Bart here was just going to … to … oh my God! I didn't even think about how you were going to get inside, Bart! They probably have a list! Or want an invitation! This is terrible! I—'

Bart scoffed. ‘Bremy. Bremy. Bremy.' He handed me a small stiff piece of white paper.

My eyes quickly scanned the front. It had his name on it. ‘Woo hoo!'

‘Aren't you going to ask me how I got an invitation?' Bart asked, straightening up, and maybe sucking in his stomach.

I really wasn't. I knew Bart was a computer genius slash God-type creature. I didn't need him to go into another one of his endless lectures in computer speak, but I guess I kind of owed to him. ‘Please Bart, tell us, how you accomplished this wonder?' He pursed his lips at my sarcasm, but, really, he should be grateful. I did manage to stop my eyes from rolling, and that was
really
hard. ‘Come on, tell us.'

Bart's shot me another mean mime face, but also took the opportunity for what it was, and launched into the description of his superpower. He even acted out some of the bits bodily. I only tuned back in at the end as Bart said, ‘Hence I also have a security pass to enter in the back way.'

‘That's good,' I muttered. ‘Because they're never going to let you in the front.'

Kevin's eyes slowly moved to Bart. ‘What role does the mime play in love?'

I nodded. ‘What role, indeed.' Wait. Huh? Oh right. Queenie must have told him I was here for Pierce. That was good. I wasn't sure if Kevin should be let into our inner circle of crime fighting because who knew which side of the grave Kevin was on. ‘Don't worry about the mime,' I said, waving a dismissive hand in Bart's direction. ‘He's, uh, going to mime my feelings to the object of my affections.'

Kevin nodded.

‘In fact,' I said, turning to Bart, ‘shouldn't you go see about that back door?'

‘No.'

I chuckled. ‘Don't you want to get into position for your … performance?'

‘No.'

Alright, that was it. I held up a wait just one minute finger to the dark couple, and pushed Bart back a few steps. His death glare never left Kevin.

I grabbed his white-caked stubbly chin and forced his eyes to mine. ‘You need to pull yourself together.'

He blinked.

‘We have to be on our toes. Ryder is in trouble. I just know it! And I know my father is somehow connected. He always is! And that's means we're all in trouble! The entire city, probably. Maybe even the world. We need to help!'

Bart's shoulders slumped. ‘He's an undertaker. How do I compete with that?'

I fixed him in my gaze. ‘You want to know how you compete with that? I'll tell you how you compete with that. You pull up your big boy unitard and you do your job. Need I remind you of the night you and Queenie got together? She was attracted to the Bart who brought an entire army of mind-controlled inmates to its knees. Not this,' I said, gesturing all over his body, ‘defeated clown.'

Yup! There was the angry furrow in his brow I had been waiting for.

‘Now you get in there and look around. See what's what. Spot the bad guys. Make note of all the exits. Look for any cages marked
Bremy
. I don't care what you do, just do your job!'

‘Okay.'

‘Okay?'

‘Okay.'

‘Okay!' I yelled, punching him on the shoulder.

He turned towards the side alley of the museum. ‘You know this is still a stupid idea, you walking into your father's trap, right?'

‘Stupid like a fox,' I said, slapping him on his spandexed bottom.

He stiffened. My fingers flew to my mouth. ‘I'm so sorry!'

He grunted and walked away.

I exhaled and rolled my shoulders. Okay, one issue tackled.

I turned back to the progenitors of
The Addams Family Next Generation
.

‘Okay,' I said, clapping my hands together. ‘Who wants to get Cinderella ready for the ball?'

Chapter 24

What happened next in the alley was truly glorious.

I was probably the only person in the world who could say that sentence without feeling the least bit dirty. But it was true. It was glorious. In fact, I am fairly certain if anyone had been looking in our particular direction, they would have seen the golden glow of my transformation beaming through the gap of the brick walls.

Kevin applied one last dab of lip gloss onto my bottom lip with his icy fingers—alright, they weren't icy, but they totally should have been—just as Queenie was finishing fastening the back of my gown.

I spun around, sending the gold folds of my skirt shimmering. ‘I don't know how to thank you two. I—'

‘We're not finished,' Queenie said in a clipped tone.

‘You're not?' I asked. ‘I mean, I don't have a mirror, but I feel finished.'

‘I had an idea last night,' Queenie said, turning me back around, ‘after I dreamt I smothered you with a pillow.'

I nodded. ‘I have weird dreams too. I once had this dream I was flying with Ryder, our capes rippling in the wind—never mind.' Stupid Kevin inhibiting my free speech, but then again, I did have a good feeling about the make-up. I approved of all his colour choices. Suddenly, thin fabric wrapped around the top part of my face. ‘Queenie,' I said slowly. ‘This isn't the part where you kill me as a couple, right?'

I gasped as Kevin held up a mirror in front of my face.

I was … I was … so … very, very beautiful. The golden toned make-up was exquisite. The soft intricate up-do was near heartbreaking. And the thin shimmering gauze with its tiny golden gems over my eyes was mysterious, and lovely, and unexpected, and—

I leapt at Kevin, throwing my arms around him. I'm not going lie. Once I felt the wooden stiffness of his body, I kind of regretted it. But I was so happy!

I let go, and spun on Queenie with my arms wide.

‘No,' she said with a finger point.

I swirled in a circle. ‘Again, how can I ever thank you two?'

Kevin answered first. ‘I would like to take a picture of you like this in a glass coffin.'

I froze mid-swirl and looked to Queenie. If I wasn't mistaken, I may have seen the tiniest of concern crinkles in between her brows. ‘Well, Kevin.' I stopped to clear my throat. ‘Why don't we just table that idea for a little while, and I'll see if I can think of something better.' Yup, my hugging him was definitely premature.

I grabbed the small bag with my sidekick outfit off the pavement. I had brought it, seeing as I had no idea what the evening might hold. I cleared my throat. This next part needed to be handled delicately. ‘So, where are you kids off to now?'

Queenie answered, ‘Inside.'

‘Oh, that would be super, but Bart didn't get you guys invitations,' I said with a frowny face.

‘I was invited,' Kevin said. ‘My family is always invited.'

‘Queenie, can I speak to you a moment,' I said, gently grabbing her elbow. ‘This is kind of awkward, but you need to ixn-ay on the evink-ay because I may be doing some ime-fightingcr-ay … oh, this hard,' I said, scratching my forehead above the gauzy mask. ‘Kevin's got to go. He knows too much. And
things
are probably going to happen tonight.'

‘Things you've included Bart in but not me.'

‘What? No. It's not like th—'

‘Really.'

Ugh. I hated dealing with couples who had just broken up. ‘Well, you can still be in on everything. Do you want me to tell you what's going on?'

She said nothing, which I took to mean yes. I peeked over my shoulder at Kevin, but it seemed he had gone into stand-by mode, so I launched into a hurried description of everything that had happened.

When I was finished, Queenie said, ‘Idiot.'

I sighed. She and Bart really were made for one another. ‘I am so shocked that you would say that,' I said, dryly. ‘I realise that there a may be a few places where things could go wrong, but—'

‘Do you really think so little of yourself that you would just dive right into whatever your father has planned tonight?'

‘No! It's not like I'm going to stick my head into a lion's mouth or anything. And what's he really going to do to me with all those people watching?' My mind did flash to the runaway float, but … but … okay, he was surprising me these days with the lengths he was willing to go to. ‘We need information, and this is the only way I know how to get it. And I have to make sure Pierce doesn't get hurt. Besides, if my father's going to this kind of trouble to send me a message, he's going to find some way to deliver it, no matter where I am.' No need to tell Queenie about Nepal. All these people telling me I should go to the other side of the earth was starting to hurt my feelings.