Sidewinder 01 Shock & Awe (6 page)

“Irish?” he called out.

He heard a thump from outside on the deck, and Nick’s footfalls were heavy as he jogged to the door. He appeared in the doorway, the sunlight streaming in around him. He’d changed into jeans and a loose flannel shirt, and with the scruff and his curly hair getting longer, he looked pretty damn at home in Kelly’s cabin in the middle of the woods. He also had his combat knife strapped to his thigh.

A frown creased Kelly’s brow. “What are you doing?”

“What are you doing?” Nick asked as he made his way over. “Why didn’t you call for help?”

“I just did.”

Nick ducked under the arm Kelly raised, sliding his hand around Kelly’s waist to help support him. “You want to go back down?”

“No. What are you doing outside? Can I go out there?”

“Yeah, but sit first,” Nick muttered. Kelly didn’t really have much choice as Nick lowered him back to the chair. “I’ll go get your pills; let them settle before you move again.”

Kelly sighed and waited, staring at the open door as the breeze kicked up. It smelled of sunshine and pine, with a hint of crisp air left from the winter. He loved spring and fall for weather like this. He looked forward to the sunlight on his face.

Nick thumped back down the steps with his pills and water bottle.

“What were you doing outside?” Kelly asked, looking pointedly at the knife on Nick’s thigh.

Nick grinned lopsidedly and handed him his pills. “I’ll show you.”

Kelly downed the pills, then held his arm out for help. He slid it around Nick’s neck, an action they’d repeated dozens of times over the last week or so. But this time felt different. This time Kelly’s fingers dug into Nick’s triceps, appreciating the strength in Nick’s frame. This time Kelly’s nose lingered at Nick’s temple, taking in his scent and letting it stir everything from his mind to his body.

“Wow,” Kelly murmured. “So that’s still there.”

Nick’s breath gusted against his cheek. “Yeah, it is.”

Kelly looked up into his eyes, hoping to catch a glimpse of what Nick was really feeling and thinking. He still appeared scared and worried, his brow furrowed and his eyes hesitant, but there was fire there too. He wanted to explore this as badly as Kelly did, but he was holding back for obvious reasons.

Kelly grinned. “Kiss me again.”

“Kels—”

“You remember what you told me last night? The only thing I should be thinking about was . . .”

Nick inhaled sharply, his breath stuttering as he and Kelly stared at each other. “Me inside you.”

Just the words made Kelly’s breath catch. “Kiss me again, dammit.”

Nick gave a curt nod, then he reached up to caress Kelly’s cheek before he leaned closer and pressed their lips together. It was another careful kiss, a mere brush of lips with a hint of Nick’s teeth on Kelly’s lower lip before he leaned back. Kelly swayed forward, left breathless and light-headed by that simple, gentle touch.

Nick’s hand pressed to the small of Kelly’s back to pull their bodies together, holding him tight so he wouldn’t fall. Kelly grabbed the back of his neck, delving into another kiss with a bit more fervor than their first. It was so natural for it to turn into a passionate embrace, Kelly had to wonder why they’d never done it before.

Kelly would have let it go on all day, but Nick had more self-control than he did. He gently pulled away, holding Kelly’s face so Kelly couldn’t chase him.

“Come on,” he whispered finally. “I’ll show you what I was doing outside.”

Kelly grunted, but he allowed Nick to lead him out there. He was no longer interested in the outdoors or sunshine or whatever Nick had been up to, he just wanted Nick to kiss him again. He winced as the sun hit his eyes, but it felt good to be outside. He put his face up to the warmth and let out a sigh of relief.

“Feels good, right?” Nick murmured.

Kelly nodded, opening his eyes to regard Nick again.

“Can you stand? Walk?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Kelly said. He watched as Nick moved away, seeing his dear friend in a completely new light. The way Nick’s shoulders moved, the way he walked with a slight limp he’d never be able to fully hide as he aged because of the shrapnel embedded in his femur, the way his left hand stayed near the handle of his knife. These were all things Kelly’d noticed before, but now he was equating them to the way the muscles of Nick’s back felt under his fingers, the way Nick’s hips rolled between his thighs, and the myriad of things Nick could do with his scarred hands.

Nick picked up a stick from the railing as Kelly moved gingerly toward the Adirondack chairs in the corner of the deck. Nick turned and held up the stick, grinning. He’d shaved the bark from it, smoothing the shaft, and he’d crafted the bulbous end into curved fingers, all with blunt tips. Kelly laughed as Nick handed it to him.

“A back scratcher?”

Nick shrugged, smiling. “I remember when I broke my collarbone, I was always itching and never able to get to it. You can also use it to reach things so you won’t have to strain to get them.”

Kelly ran his thumb over the tips of the fingers, nodding. “Thanks, Irish.”

“You’re welcome.” Nick leaned against the railing, crossing his arms. “You want to try a walk?”

Kelly groaned, but he nodded. He was supposed to walk every day. “Might as well get it over with.”

“I’ll grab you some shoes.”

He jogged back inside, leaving Kelly to ponder the homemade back scratcher. Nick wasn’t the type of guy who needed to be moving or doing something. He didn’t need to have something to do with his hands all the time. He could easily relax in a deck chair and lose himself in his thoughts for hours, or sit and read a book, or just chill under the stars. He hadn’t been out here making this to keep himself busy while Kelly napped.

When Kelly looked up again, Nick was standing in the doorway watching him. “I can try again if it won’t work.”

“No, it’s good.”

“We’ll find you a cane too,” Nick added, smirking.

“Unless it has a sword in it, I don’t want a cane.”

Nick snickered, coming closer with Kelly’s boots. He patted the top of his head as he knelt at Kelly’s feet. “Hold on.”

Kelly’s breath caught. He rested his hand on Nick’s head to keep his balance and peered down at Nick as he slid one foot into the boot Nick was holding for him. They got both boots on, and Nick was tying them up for him before Kelly realized he still had his hand in Nick’s hair. He drew his fingers through the growing curls.

Nick glanced up at him as he pulled the first bow tight. He smiled knowingly when Kelly didn’t loosen his hold on his hair, then ducked his head and tied the second boot. Kelly had always thought Nick a handsome man, in the same way he appreciated the beauty of a spring day or the sunrise on a misty morning. He’d never equated that appreciation with sex or desire, though, so the stirring in his groin when he remembered Nick’s body against his, or when Nick knelt in front of him, was completely new.

He narrowed his eyes. When Nick stood, he mirrored Kelly’s expression and leaned against the railing. They stared at one another as birds chirped and the wind rustled the leaves above them.

“I’m so confused right now,” Kelly admitted.

“I know,” Nick said, his voice soft and somehow comforting. “Me too.”

“What do we do? Go for it? Pretend it didn’t happen? Talk it out?”

“I remember my first time,” Nick said, shaking his head. “You’ll have to talk about it. You will. And I’m the only one here.”

“So we talk it out.”

Nick nodded.

“Have you ever wanted to fuck me before?” Kelly demanded.

Nick took a deep breath and let it out slowly, gazing up at the sky. He shook his head. “No.”

“Do you want to now?”

Nick cocked his head and scrutinized Kelly. Kelly grew considerably warmer as he watched Nick’s eyes. Nick began to smile. His voice was lower and full of gravel when he answered. “Definitely.”

Kelly swallowed hard and flushed. “Likewise.”

The mischievous smile Nick responded with only made Kelly want to squirm. Goddamn, why had he never noticed how sexy Nick was when he grinned like that?

Nick licked his lips to wipe the smirk away and looked down at his hands. “So, you’re wondering why.”

“Yes.”

“Does it matter?” Nick asked neutrally.

Kelly held his breath, considering. “Yes?”

“Okay.”

Kelly smiled. Of course Nick would just accept it and proceed to try to find a solution. That was the way Nick was. That was the way they both were, to an extent, which often led to a distinct absence of gnashing of teeth and wailing between them when problems arose.

Nick gripped the railing with both hands. “Part of the excitement of attraction is knowing it’s reciprocated, right?”

Kelly nodded. “We found out last night that we, um . . .”

“Reciprocate,” Nick provided. They both grinned, meeting each other’s eyes. The warmth and excitement of new attraction were bolstered by years of history. Years of camaraderie. Years of comfort. It was something entirely new, and it was something that just felt right.

Kelly inhaled sharply as the realization hit him. “This would be so easy.”

Nick bit his lip, not responding. Instead he reached out and ran his fingers over Kelly’s wrist.

“God, O, this would be so easy,” Kelly said more emphatically. He moved carefully and leaned on the railing beside Nick. “You and me? Just . . . can you imagine?”

Nick gave that a low whistle and nodded. He raised his head, the smile gone. “I can imagine. I’m trying not to, though.”

“Why?”

“A few weeks ago you almost died,” Nick said, his voice gone rough. “Your view of the world has shifted.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’ve almost died a couple times, Kels. I remember what it’s like to . . . to realize you’re still here when you shouldn’t be.”

Kelly swallowed hard and nodded. He remembered the weeks of desperate searching when Ty and Nick had gone missing. He remembered how it had felt, trying to accept that they were gone and he’d never been able to say good-bye, to tell them what they both meant to him. He’d written letters to their families. They’d never been mailed, thank God, but he’d still sobbed while writing them.

He remembered the day he’d seen a transport truck roll into camp with Ty and Nick laid out in the back, thinking they were dead. He and Owen had climbed into that truck faster than the lieutenant had been able to order them away. Kelly’d found the pulse at Nick’s neck and wanted to throw up with relief.

His stomach lurched and he turned his hand over to grasp Nick’s fingers. Nick squeezed Kelly’s hand as if he knew what he was thinking, what he was recalling.

“Before last night, you’d never even considered kissing another man, much less whatever’s in your head now,” Nick continued.

“That’s not entirely true. I’d thought about it. Just never seriously. Or while sober.”

“Still. You’re in uncharted territory. It would be easy. Us.”

Kelly looked up.

“Just sex is one thing. I think we could manage that and not lose each other. But talking about anything else right now would be . . .”

“Crazy?” Kelly asked.

Nick smiled.

“You’re right.”

“I know,” Nick said with a grin.

Kelly barked a laugh. “Shut up. Hear me out, though. Okay?”

Nick picked up Kelly’s hand and held it, his fingers playing with Kelly’s. He nodded.

Kelly tore his eyes away from their hands to examine Nick’s profile. “We know each other better already than we could ever hope to know anyone else. Our pasts, our hopes and fears, all our secrets. We’ve already shared all that. We know we’re compatible. Hell, we even know we can live together.”

“That’s debatable,” Nick mumbled. He gave Kelly a sly grin.

“Shut up. At least you already know all my bad habits, right?”

“Like licking the germs off a spoon and putting it back in the drawer?”

“I only did that once,” Kelly mumbled. “But you know I love M&M’s in my pancakes. I know you eat French fries with ranch instead of ketchup and that you steal the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms when you think no one’s looking.”

Nick began to laugh.

“You know I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, and I know you used to go behind me with one of those tube squeezers every morning and fix it so no one else would get mad at me. And I know you wake up in the middle of the night sometimes so terrified you don’t even recognize your own name. And I know the only people you’ll let spend the night in bed with you are people you know can fight you off if you try to hurt them.”

Nick’s eyes had gone wider, and he fought to swallow as Kelly spoke. He looked vulnerable, something Nick rarely seemed, and Kelly wanted to wrap him in a hug.

“Sometimes I wake up screaming too,” Kelly whispered. “But I never have when I was sharing a bed with you. And after last night we know there’s a whole lot to work with below the belt, you know what I mean?”

Nick nodded and looked down, smiling. Kelly reached for him, grabbing his chin and forcing him to meet his eyes to make sure Nick heard him.

“This could work out pretty nice for both of us, Nicko. I’ve never been with anyone where it was so easy so fast. Where it felt like home. But you’ve always been home to me.”

Nick’s eyes caught the sunlight and almost made Kelly forget what he’d been saying.

“Kelly,” Nick tried. His voice faltered, and he had to stop to swallow.

“I’ve already got more with you than I’ve ever had anywhere,” Kelly said in a rush, trying to beat Nick to whatever he’d been about to say. He took a deep breath to calm himself. “And after last night?”

“It would be easy.” Nick sighed and ran his thumb along Kelly’s knuckles.

Kelly dropped his hand away from Nick’s chin. “But you’re still going to say no, aren’t you?”

“I will never say no to you,” Nick said, his voice soft.

“Is it this guy you’re not dating?”

“Aidan,” Nick provided, trying not to laugh. “We’re not dating, but not for lack of trying.”

Jealousy spiked so quickly that Kelly barely recognized the feeling. “I don’t understand what that means.”