“What are you waiting for? Go, go already.”
As she neared him, Max looked up at her.
“Holy hell,” he offered. “You look incredible, Portia.”
She felt the heat rush to her face and tried making light of the compliment as she sat down and took out her phone. She was about to start typing when Max took the phone and said, “Why don’t you try mouthing the words to me? If Felix can read your lips, I don’t see why I can’t.” Clearly he had planned for this line of attack.
She felt a brief stab of pain at the mention of Felix and wondered if he had gotten to the café yet. If she knew Felix, and she did know Felix, he was probably planning on doing the whole fashionably late thing, just to prove his nonchalance.
“OK,” Portia mouthed, “I was just going to say that you look exhausted. Did the boys let you sleep when you got home?” She stretched the elastic of her lips over each word so that he would understand her.
“Actually, I can’t blame it on the boys.” Their hands had instinctively found each other’s, their fingers interlacing and rotating as if trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube. “I mean, yeah, they were running around like bats out of hell, but the truth is I can’t come down from the visit with my dad. It was all too crazy. The things he said to me, Portia, it was insane.”
She broke the contact, wanting to offer him her full attention. But with a brief shake of his head, Max combed his hair back with his fingers and tried to collect himself.
“Anyway,” he said, “Let’s try to enjoy the night. What’s been going on with you?”
“Not a lot, Max. I’m worried about you.”
“Ah, no need to worry about me, Portia. I’ve got a thick skin. Besides, I knew you would be here when I got back and I gotta admit, that really helped.”
She looked away, picking at an imaginary piece of dust on her jeans.
“You have to stop doing that.”
“What?” Portia asked him.
“Looking away from me every time I say something nice about you.”
“Oh, was I doing that?” she mouthed with exaggerated innocence.
“Yes, you were,” he wrinkled his nose at her. “Now, let’s see if you can look straight at me while I do this.”
He reached his hand out and slowly passed the soft pad of his thumb over her lips. Portia held his gaze despite the tremor he had sent through her body. Max leaned in and kissed her gently. She closed her eyes and savored the feeling of his mouth on hers. He started to pull away, but she brought his face back in, forgetting that they were in a room with about two hundred people. They might have been the only two people alive at the moment for all she cared.
Suddenly Lily Wilson was speaking into the microphone, trying to gain the attention of the audience. Reluctantly Portia and Max drew apart as Lily welcomed everybody and gave them the lowdown on the young talent that would be performing that night. Scanning the room, Portia saw Felix standing with Charlotte and Jacqueline, who looked awesome in her new ensemble. Luke and Lance were there, too. And Gabrielle. She wondered if any of them had seen her and Max kiss.
The audience quieted down as Wendy Fein sat down on a high stool, guitar in hand, and performed a beautiful rendition of Cat Stevens’s “If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out.”
When she was finished, the audience applauded enthusiastically. Portia saw Felix twisting his hands in the air, the universal deaf sign for applause. She ached then for her friend who couldn’t actually hear his favorite sister’s performance.
“Max, I’m going to let you prepare,” she mouthed, “Good luck.”
She bent over and kissed him on the cheek, more self-conscious suddenly about being spotted by the watchful eyes of her friends.
As she made her way through the crowd, a woman in an insanely high pair of platforms tripped and bumped into her.
“Excuse me,” said the slight red head. When she looked up, Portia was taken aback to see Ms. Leucosia, so out of the context to which she was accustomed.
“Oh, hi there, Portia,” said the school nurse as if it was the most natural thing for her to be hanging out at the student watering hole. “I’m just meeting a friend,” she offered quickly.
Portia nodded and smiled. She pointed to the nurse’s shoes and gave her a big thumb’s up.
“Thank you, dear.”
The use of the word “dear” was so incongruous to the striking looks of a woman like Leucosia.
“Well, have fun,” Portia signed—she was eager to get over to her friends.
“You too, dear.”
She continued to make her way over to Felix. As she neared him, the walls of her stomach felt much like that purple hedge in Charlotte’s garden—flooded with butterflies.
Calm down. It’s just Felix.
She tapped his shoulder from behind, and Felix turned around.
“Jesus, Portia, you look amazing.” For the first time in a while, she could tell he was being completely honest.
Gabrielle excused herself, heading over to some of her freshmen friends.
“Shouldn’t you go after her?” Portia signed.
“Who?”
“Oh, never mind.” She was pleased that he approved of her getup and didn’t want to mess up the first pleasant exchange they’d had in a while.
“You look amazing, too, Felix,” she signed, “Looks like Wendy hooked you up.”
“Yeah, she pretty much ambushed me with Post-it notes all over my closet and bathroom—”
Just then Luke punched Felix on the arm.
“Hey, man,” he said, “you gotta stop talking—next performer’s up.”
Felix was notably embarrassed at having to be quieted.
“…and so this Adonis walked in the other day and asked me if he could try out,” Lily was saying. “I’m sure you’ll all find him to be every bit as impressive as I did. Everybody, give it up for Max Hunter.”
A sudden hush fell over the room as Max sat down in front of the upright. He leaned into the mic and said:
“I want to dedicate this song to my dad, who couldn’t be here tonight. I just hope he knows I’m thinking about him.”
He started to play out a soulful introduction…
“The traffic light’s saying ‘Don’t Walk,’ but you’re walking.
Memories, voices, smells always stalking.
Horns are blaring, angry and loud,
Threatening to poke holes in her shroud.
Subways and cabs won’t get you there,
No bus driver calling ‘next stop, no despair.’
Roads intersect and highways converge,
A vehicle of sorrow, refusing to merge…”
Max’s graceful fingers floated over the keys. Portia had never seen him play the piano before and was amazed at his command of the instrument. His voice was layered with emotion as each poignant lyric resonated with his buttery voice.
“But I’m reading the signs,
And I’m swimming upstream,
And I’m getting old for my years.
Can’t you lead our team?”
There was a slight break in Max’s voice as he sang out the last line of the chorus, isolating himself in the capsule of his own thoughts.
“And no one is meant to go it alone.
We all have our person, the one we call home.
Your home destroyed, vacant streets you wander,
Where is that place that will take you beyond her?
Inventing a world inside of your head,
Where longing alone might bring back the dead.
Well, I’ve looked for that place, but it doesn’t exist
So I swallow hard and I uncurl my fist…”
The hush that had fallen upon the room was eerie, his pain floating through the air, filling the silence. Portia turned toward Felix just long enough to note the defeat and frustration that was plastered on his face.
“Instead I’m reading the signs,
And I’m swimming upstream,
And I’m getting old for my years.
When can you lead our team?”
Max’s voice gained strength as he continued to sing his story. His fingers eked out angry chords from the upright, and his knee tapped to the beat in his head.
“Hanging off the edge of the ‘cliff of dashed hope,’
Knowing your fear, I throw you a rope.
But taking that rope means she’s left us for good,
Time to resettle, find a new neighborhood.
Can’t I be your home? Help you climb out of your head?
With so much to live for, why waste time playing dead?
And we’ll cry together if you’d just return.
There’s so much from you that I still have to learn…”
As the conclusion of the song drew near, Portia wished she could sit beside him and help him get through the rest. If not with her voice, then at least with her touch.
“And I’m reading all the signs, Dad,
And I’m swimming upstream,
Making music that hurts me,
Building up my regime.
And I’m shedding my blindfold,
Cause I choose to see.
And I’m unlocking doors,
And I’m entering me,
But I’m getting old for my years.
So I hold on to the dream
That one day you’ll return,
You’ll be back on our team…”
The room was silent as Max finished playing the last note and slowly opened his eyes. He abruptly stood up, scraping the bench against the wooden floor, the only sound that could be heard before the audience erupted into explosive applause.
He closed the lid on the piano and walked away without lifting his head. It was the first time Portia had seen him so humbled.
It made her love him all the more.
♪
“That was awesome, man,” Luke gave Max a man hug followed by two loud thumps on the back.
“Yeah, Max, that was seriously brilliant.” Charlotte’s cheeks were wet, her mascara slightly smudged.
Max accepted the compliments graciously. Portia’s comments, though, were the only ones that seemed to matter to him. He looked at her expectantly. She squeezed his hand in response, her eyes telling him everything he needed to know.
“Isn’t anyone going to ask me what I thought?”
The friends exchanged an awkward look, and Lance tried distracting Felix with a playful slap on the back and a request to go get some coffee.
“Get off of me, Lance. I’m serious. Isn’t anyone gonna ask me what I thought of the song?”
Max broke into the sudden heaviness with an, “I hope it wasn’t too boring for you, man.”
Portia held her breath.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Felix hovered within an inch of Max’s face.
“Nothing, man, I just figured if you were going the sarcastic route, then we might as well all join in on the fun.”
“Well, next time, don’t figure anything.”
Portia noted the throbbing vein in the right side of Felix’s neck, a telltale sign of his impending rage.
“Felix, why don’t we go see if Wendy can hook us up with some good eats?” she signed.
“Don’t patronize me, Portia,” he glared at her hard, his eyes a pair of grenades whose pins had just been pulled.
“Yo, dude, lighten up, will you?” Max stepped in front of Portia, stretching himself to his full height, which still came up inconsequential next to Felix.
“Yo, dude, go screw yourself, will you?” Felix was gunning for it.
Portia scrambled to think of something to ease the tension but before she could say or do anything, Max drove the final nail into the coffin with, “This whole jilted lover thing doesn’t really suit you, Felix.”
Felix pounced with lightning speed, toppling them both to the ground, landing a few good blows into Max’s ribs before Max could even regain himself. A crowd formed around them as Luke and Lance tried to pry them apart. Their pent-up anger, though, was more than the twins could handle, so they backed off in defeat.
Portia was sick at the sight of them pummeling each other. She herself tried getting in between them, but they were too tightly intertwined. She scanned the room and saw that Lily Wilson’s boyfriend, a cop who had recently pulled Helena over for speeding, was rounding up his buddies and heading over to the brawl.
She had to do something. The last thing anyone needed was for Max and Felix to be locked up together in a holding cell, staining their permanent records with acts of disorderly conduct.
She looked up at Charlotte, shrugging her shoulders, begging her advice.
“I think you know what you have to do, Portia. I think it’s time.”
The boys continued throwing punches, drawing blood and blackening eyes, as the cops pushed their way closer.
Nobody noticed when Portia nodded at Charlotte and snaked her way to the other side of the room where the microphone rested in its cradle.
She felt like she was walking the plank into an ocean full of piranhas.
Things will never be the same for me. I will never be the same.
The ramifications were both terrifying and thrilling. Looking back at the raging Max and Felix, their fight gaining momentum, she had no choice but to take the plunge.
With a quivering hand, she eased the microphone off the stand. Everyone’s attention was diverted away from her, focused on the fight. As she opened her mouth, Portia did notice, though, that Ms. Leucosia seemed to be following her every move. The two women locked eyes and to Portia’s amazement, the school nurse gave her an encouraging nod, not a hint of surprise in her expression.
Drawing in a deep breath, she had no idea what was going to come out of her mouth. She just knew that it would be something other than silence.
“Is it underneath your skin?
The pain you’re living in?
Or do you bear the scars?
Are you seeing stars?”
Max instantly stopped fighting Felix as the first lyrics floated out of Portia’s mouth. The entire room grew still at the sound of her virginal voice.