Silent Hall (23 page)

“Who cares?” shouted Phaedra. “What good is any of that, if even
Psander
can't fix my leg?”

After that, nobody knew what to say. It was Bandu and her hug that carried the day in the end. After a few minutes of silence, Phaedra squeezed her hand and thanked her, and began to dry her eyes.

“I'm sorry,” she said. “I didn't mean to just collapse like that, like a stupid, weak–”

“Like me?” said Hunter.

That stopped her. She blinked uncertainly up at him.

“It's all right,” he said. “It was bound to catch up with you sometime.”

Finally, Phaedra smiled a little. “Thanks, Hunter.”

They lifted Phaedra to her feet, and Criton helped Hunter gather her books. “Take to rooms,” Bandu commanded them. “This is a bad place.”

They did as she said.

For two weeks, the clouds above Silent Hall never cleared. The courtyard became such a puddle of mud that the villagers began eating all of their meals in Psander's great hall, and some even slept in the entryway. The islanders saw Psander only twice during this time, since the wizard only emerged from her chambers once a day to eat, and often before dawn. The second time they ran into her, Narky had the wherewithal to ask if she planned to plant blueglow mushrooms in murdered villagers. Psander only shook her head absently and muttered, “No no, that won't do; I'd run out.” She never specified which resource she was talking about.

As might have been expected, Phaedra spent her time reading. She did not, however, read aloud these days. The boys did not have much to do until Narky discovered a shelf full of maps in Psander's library, after which they spent their days familiarizing themselves with the landscape as best they could. There was one map that particularly disturbed Criton. It was a map of the continental cities with the territories of each God marked in a different color. On the far right edge of the map was written
Mayar – the Sea
. On the other three edges, it said
Magor – the Wilds
.

Bandu, in the meantime, seemed to have contracted some illness that left her feeling tired and uncomfortable. She ate little, and made constant use of her chamber pot. Criton worried that the Gods had heard her blasphemy after all, and had inflicted her with the seeds of this malady before the islanders could find refuge at Silent Hall. He wished he could help, but she would not even let him touch her. Like an animal, she became very defensive when sick.

Actually, the weather was oppressive for all of them. Narky seemed to be always sniffling or snorting, and Hunter had developed a cough. Phaedra rarely left her room. Only Criton, it seemed, still felt healthy, and his health belied his misery. Bandu worried him, and the clouds worried him, and Psander definitely worried him.

He wished they could leave, but Phaedra said that they should wait until the first sunny day, to be sure that the Gods were no longer looking for Bandu. He couldn't argue with that.

At the end of two weeks, Bandu called for him. He found her sitting up in bed, looking a little better than usual.

“Sit,” she said. “Look. No blood now.” She presented him with her chamber pot.

Criton sat down at her feet, but tried not to look at the pot's contents. “What do you mean, ‘no blood
now
?' Was there blood before? Has your illness gotten that bad?”

“No,” she said, “no, is young.”

“What?” It was beyond his imagination to guess what she was trying to say.

“No blood, is young,” Bandu repeated uselessly, and strangely she smiled. “It is good,” she said.

“If you say so,” said Criton, “but what do you mean about the sickness being young?”

“Not sick, young!” Bandu said, looking exasperated. “No blood! Young!”

Criton put out his hands to stop her. “Bandu, you'll have to calm down. You're too excited to make any sense. You have to use enough words to make your meaning cl–”

“I make young!” Bandu laughed, slapping at him. “No blood! Six weeks and no blood!”

Criton's heart stopped beating.

H
e wasn't happy
. He wasn't happy! What was wrong with him? He should be smiling and proud, but instead he looked sick and scared. What was wrong with him?

“How could you…” he said. “How could we… what are we going to do? We've been so stupid!”

“No,” she tried to tell him. “No, it is good! Not stupid.”

“What do you mean?” he cried. “You can't… I can't… this is terrible!”

“No,” she insisted again, “not terrible. I want it.”

She burst into tears. Why wasn't he happy? He had
wanted
to mate with her! What did he think would happen?

“I can't believe…” he sputtered again. “I have to think about this.”

Then he turned and left the room.

Bandu's tears would not stop flowing. Had she made a mistake? He
wanted
it, she kept saying to herself. He
wanted
it.

She threw her chamber pot across the room. Wicked man! Wicked, stupid man! Would he ever come back? She wanted him to come back and hold her and say he was happy and that their young would be strong and healthy and that he would always protect them with her. That was what she wanted; that was what she had expected. Why had he run away?

She was still crying when Phaedra came in. “Bandu!” she said. “You're pregnant?”

Bandu could not think about new words now, she had to find out why Criton hated her. “He is not happy,” she wailed. “He is a wicked, wicked man!”

Phaedra put an arm around her. “What happened, Bandu?”

“I tell him we make young, and he leaves me!”

“Bastard,” Phaedra said. “I don't know what's wrong with him, Bandu, but I'll go and talk sense into him. He has no right to treat you like that.”

“No, stay with me,” Bandu begged her. “Go later. Stay now.”

Phaedra nodded vigorously. “Whatever you say, Bandu. I'm here for you.”

“I throw that,” Bandu confessed, pointing to her overturned chamber pot.

Phaedra grimaced. “We can take care of it later.”

They sat together a long time, while Bandu laid her head on Phaedra's shoulder and cried. Phaedra wanted to go yell at Criton, but Bandu wouldn't let her. What she needed was her company.

She did wish Phaedra would stop talking sometimes. Phaedra kept trying to make Bandu feel better by saying things like, “Don't worry, he'll realize what an idiot he is, and he'll come crawling back to you. He has to. He has duties to you now.”

Bandu did not want him to crawl, and she didn't understand why Phaedra would suggest it. Didn't Phaedra understand? What Bandu wanted to do now was to leave this room and go find him. She needed him.

But Phaedra would not let her go. “No, Bandu,” she said. “You have to make him come to you. It was awful of him to walk out like that, and you can't let him think he can do that to you. He has to realize that there are consequences when he hurts you, or he'll do it again.”

Bandu understood, but that only made it hurt more. She knew that Phaedra wanted her to win, because Phaedra was a good friend. But Bandu didn't want to win. All she wanted was for Criton to come back.

“If I go get us some food,” Phaedra asked, “will you promise to stay here?”

Bandu nodded, but Phaedra wasn't fooled. She opened the door, walked to the next room and knocked.

“Narky,” Bandu heard her say. “Could you do me a huge favor and bring us some lunch? I can't leave Bandu right now.”

“All right,” said Narky's voice, and then Phaedra was back in the room.

“You'll thank me,” she said.

Bandu nodded meekly. She felt so tired, all of a sudden. And she was hungry, terribly hungry. “I want goose eggs,” she said.

“Narky's already gone down,” Phaedra told her, “but maybe he'll bring you some. I wouldn't mind a boiled egg either.”

Bandu shuddered. “No boiled,” she said. “I want old way, like with Four-foot.”

Phaedra looked confused. “What do you mean, ‘like with Four-foot?' Oh Gods, do you mean raw?”

“Raw is not cooked?” asked Bandu. “Yes, raw.”

“Well,” said Phaedra, looking horrified, “we'll see.”

Bandu's stomach growled. She hoped Narky would hurry. “I need to eat,” she said, her hands on her stomach. “Now.”

“There's not much we can do but wait,” Phaedra began to say, but then she looked at Bandu more closely, and her eyes widened. “Are you all right?” she asked. “Bandu, you look terrible!”

Bandu was about to vomit. She could feel it. She was dizzy and nauseous, and her eyes wouldn't focus. “I am sick,” she mumbled, afraid to open her mouth too wide in case something came out.

Nothing did come out, though Bandu did not feel any better until Narky arrived, carrying a plate piled high with mutton.

“We can't eat all that,” said Phaedra, but what did she know? Bandu did not say anything to correct her – she just ate. The mutton smelled heavenly, and by the time Bandu had started on her second piece, her nausea and light-headedness had subsided. She would have to make sure to eat whenever she felt sick, she thought, ripping the meat off a shank bone with her teeth. Eating made everything better.

When Bandu had finished, and her plate held only a pile of bones, she lay down on the bed to rest. “I sleep now,” she told Phaedra. “You can go.”

Phaedra raised an eyebrow. “You're sure?”

Bandu just sighed and closed her eyes. She was so tired, and sleeping would be a good way to wait for Criton to come back to her. If he ever did come back.

When she awoke at sundown, Phaedra was still in her room, sitting on the windowsill and reading. The room had been cleaned, and her chamber pot was under her bed once more. But the two of them were still alone.

“He is not here,” said Bandu, heartbroken.

“No,” said Phaedra, her eyes still on the curled animal skin in her hand. “I sent him away while you were sleeping.”

Bandu jumped up. “Why you send him away? That is wrong!”

Phaedra finally lifted her eyes to Bandu. “You needed your rest,” she said. “And besides, I thought it would give him more time to feel sorry.”

Bandu stood up. “I bring him.”

“No!” cried Phaedra, leaping for the door. She stood in front of it, arms spread wide. “No, no. You really shouldn't.”

Bandu motioned her out of the way. “I do. Now.”

Phaedra bowed her head. “All right. Or I can go and find him for you, and tell him you're ready to speak to him now.”

Bandu nodded. She needed a little time anyway. She didn't know what she would say to him yet.

When Criton came in, Bandu was still trying to decide whether to be angry with him, or happy that he had come back to her. She sat on the bed and stared at him, wondering what he was thinking. Criton stood there in the doorway, staring right back at her.

“This is my fault,” he said at last. “We never should have slept together.”

Bandu did not cry now, but her heart sank. “You want it with me before,” she said.

“I know,” he said, “but I should have resisted. I'm not… I'm not ready.”

“I am,” she said.

“Why?” Criton asked. “You're even younger than I am! At least, I think you are. How could you want this? It'll tear us apart.”

“
You
tear us apart,” she told him angrily. “Every time I am happy, you are not happy. Why do I want you?”

He came closer and sat on the floor at her feet. “I don't know,” he said sadly. “I don't know why you would want me at all.”

“You are good,” she reassured him. “But you are always wrong with me. When I am sad, you are good to me. When I am happy, you are not good.”

“It's not because you're happy,” he said. “I want
you to be happy. It's just… you don't understand. Everything goes wrong when you have children.”

“How you know?”

Criton just looked at her, until she thought he would never answer. Then he said, almost in a whisper, “Because my ma told me. She was happy until she had me.”

Bandu didn't care what Phaedra would think. She slipped off the bed and held Criton to her. He hadn't meant to hurt her. He was just broken.

“The young has your eyes?” she asked.

He nodded. She kissed his neck and sat down on the floor across from him, leaning her back against the bedframe.

“Your sharp hands too?”

“Probably.”

“And your, your…” she rubbed her forearms.

“Scales? Yes.”

She smiled at him. “Good,” she said. “That is what I think before.”

He let out a long sigh. “You really want this?”

“Yes.”

“I don't understand you,” he said, “but I love you.”

“Then I am happy,” she told him.

They mated, and Bandu was happy to feel the tension leave his body. When they lay together afterwards, she stroked his shoulder and asked, “You are afraid of marry because your mother marry?”

He looked at her thoughtfully. “I suppose so. Yes. She told me that being married had made her happy at first. But if they hadn't gotten married, he wouldn't have been able to keep her locked away. She had nowhere to go after she married him.”

Bandu nodded to show him that she understood. “But you don't want others?”

“No. But I still don't want to marry.”

She kissed him on the shoulder. “I understand,” she said. “If later you want, then we marry.” She rolled over and closed her eyes.

She was almost asleep when Criton spoke again. “I'm really afraid,” he said. “I don't know what I'll be like when we have a child. What if it changes me the way it changed Ma's husband?”

She heard, but was too sleepy to put words together.

“I'll be a terrible father,” he whispered.

“You are a good man,” she mumbled. But even as she fell asleep, she knew that he was still awake. He would be awake for a long time.