Silent (18 page)

There would be no one coming to my rescue…not that a sane person would need rescuing from where I was.

I lay down against my forearm, wrist up as I still gripped the baseball in my palm. The bandage was off now—my burn was about as healed as it was ever going to get. Dragging my other hand over the area, I felt the little hills and valleys of puckered flesh with my fingertips.

An image of pale, delicate fingers running over the spot where my dark ones now rested suddenly flashed in my mind, and a pang of loneliness hit me. As if the damn thing didn’t remind me of enough, I now had to add Seb to the list. It had to remind me of his wide, wondering eyes each time he’d been distracted by it.

Before I could toss the memories aside, something about them gnawed at me, and I sat up slightly.

Had
he just been distracted? If he was really a special kid, then sure; he saw something out of the ordinary and wanted a closer look. But if he wasn’t…

I thought back to the conversations we’d had, and to the moments his attention had wandered. Was it random, or had it been his answer to my questions? Maybe it’d been his way of letting me know that I
did
belong in foster care…his way of reminding me what my life had really been like.

That patch of skin on my wrist was the only part of it I couldn’t deny—the two-inch visible mark of a larger hidden truth.

My eyes burned, but I was determined not to cry again. I just kept stroking the scar, wishing it were Seb’s touch along it and not my own.

God, I missed him. I missed all of them, really, but Seb most of all. And not just because of that slim hope of a relationship. He’d been a friend long before that thought had even crossed my mind.

Not that I deserved his friendship. What had I done for him? Taken advantage of his startlingly beautiful body while he tried to sleep? Promised him I’d be there for him if he ever needed me, and then let him get carted off to some sort of facility, away from everything and everyone he knew?

What the fuck kind of person was I? Seb was probably stuck in army-style barracks, and here I was in the lap of luxury, wallowing in a pool of my own pity.

Suddenly disgusted with myself, I launched the baseball across the room. It hit the wall with a satisfying thump, and I imagined Eleanor somewhere down below, letting out a frightened little squeak in response.

I was obviously a selfish asshole. A selfish asshole who needed to get over himself, and now was as good a time to start as any. Before I could talk myself out of it, I scrambled for the door, flung it open and took a giant step out.

Two seconds later, I was flat on my ass. Apparently my reflexes were a bit rusty from all the wallowing, and I’d failed to notice the box with the blue satin bow that lay in the hallway until I’d tripped over it.

I scooped it into my lap and read the small note attached.

Thought you might like these.

~Eleanor and Greg

The ribbon slipped off with a single yank and I uncovered a pair of bright white sneakers, adorned by a familiar check mark design.

Shit. Name brand and everything. Suzie must’ve told them they’d make me happy. And a couple weeks ago, they would have. Now…I was pretty sure only one thing would. Or one person.

I slipped the shoes on and laced them up, pleased to feel they were a little loose, then stood and jogged down the stairs.

Eleanor was in the kitchen, humming to herself as she stirred some honey into a glass mug of tea.

I cleared my throat. “Thanks.”

“Oh!” She whirled around, her hand flying to her chest. “Oh, Alex! You startled me.”

“Thanks,” I repeated, pointing to my feet. “For the shoes.”

“Oh, you’re so welcome,” she gushed, green eyes lighting up victoriously. “I hoped you’d like them…those were the kind Dylan used to wear.”

“Yeah, they’re…good.”

“I’m so happy to see you out of the room,” she went on. She must’ve been thrilled to finally be getting something out of me, and it looked like she wasn’t going to let this opportunity go. “Oh, you must be hungry! Tell me, what can I make for you? Or maybe you’d like to go out? We could get frozen yogurt if you like, there’s a Pinkberry’s nearby…”

I put up both my hands to try to stop the onslaught. “I’m not hungry.”

“Oh.” She deflated instantly.

“Look, I just need to talk to Suzie.”

“Oh…well, she was here earlier…”

I rolled my eyes. “I know that. And now I need to talk to her.”

“I believe she said she’d be back early next week…”

I clenched my fists, biting back an angry retort. Eleanor was already jumpy around me, and if I was going to get her help, I probably needed to stay cool.

Keeping my voice low, I looked her straight in the eye. “I really need to talk to her now.”

“Well…why don’t we give her a call then?”

“I need to talk to her in person.”

“Oh.” She frowned. “I’m not sure…”

I took a deep breath and lowered my voice even more. “Please, Eleanor.”

Bingo. Her resistance melted away and she placed her tea on the counter as she headed straight for the phone. She had a hushed conversation with Suzie in the living room and returned a few minutes later with a heroic smile.

“She’s very busy with paperwork today, but she said we could stop by her office in an hour, okay?”

I gave her a grin, since I knew how happy it’d make her. “Yeah. Great.”

~*~

Suzie didn’t get a smile. We had business to attend to.

I was surprised to find she worked in a cubicle, with brown filing cabinets all around her. A picture of a hefty man and woman tacked against the blue wall was the only decoration I could see. Could’ve been her parents.

A last name and a family—guess she was a real person after all.

“Well, this is certainly a surprise,” she said. “A good one, though. I wanted to ask if you’d prefer another placement in Mid City so you could continue going to the same school.”

I frowned. “Is anyone else still going there? Anyone from Ms. Loretta’s, I mean.”

Suzie shook her head. “Not at the moment, no.”

So everyone had lost. Ms. Loretta and Ms. Cecily had lost their home, the boys had lost their makeshift family, Laloni had lost Brandon, and I’d lost…

Time to get to work. “Look, I didn’t come to talk about school. I really need to see Seb.”

Her brows shot up, but she quickly brought them back down. “Oh. Well, we can arrange for a visit, maybe next weekend.”

“No, listen. I need to see him now. Today.”

She started to shake her head. “Alex, I don’t really think—”

“No!” I slammed my hand on her desk for emphasis. But then I saw the hints of fear in her eyes, and I quickly dampened my frustration, deciding on a new play. Maybe that whole soft-spoken technique that had worked on Eleanor would work with all white ladies.

Suzie’s hand was resting on her keyboard, and I reached over to place my own on top of it. “Suzie, it’s been a while already. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. He’s been sent away to some strange place without anyone he knows. He might be scared or lonely and I promised him—
promised
him—I had his back. I can’t let him go on thinking no one cares about him.”

Her expression softened and I went in for the kill. “Please, Suzie. Please.”

Still looking hesitant, she passed her gaze to a large clock on the wall. “Let me finish up a few things here…maybe you’d like to come back in an hour? I know Eleanor would enjoy taking you out to lunch.”

I sat back in the chair. “I’ll wait.”

~*~

Thirty minutes later, we were on our way out to Pasadena. I wasn’t happy the place was so far, and I was even less thrilled when Suzie pulled off the freeway to make a pit stop in Silverlake.

“I just need to run in and grab something,” she said, parking by an apartment building with cheesy potted ferns lining its entranceway.

Again, I was surprised to find she didn’t have a house, as I’d assumed all white people over the age of thirty did. This was just a regular old apartment complex, its front painted a pinkish color in a sad attempt to look like adobe. Balconies big enough for only one person jutted out awkwardly from each floor.

Now that I thought of it, I supposed social workers didn’t make that much money. Seemed like a pretty thankless job, all in all.

I waited in the car, and Suzie was back down in a minute, grinning and tossing a briefcase in her backseat. “Might as well get some paperwork done while I’m there…kill two birds with one stone.”

I wasn’t sure why she was talking about killing birds, but her attitude seemed to have shifted away from the initial reluctance to take me. Now she was smiling brightly, practically bubbling with positive energy.

“Ready for our road trip, Alex?”

Damn. Looked like I was going to have to pay for my transportation in chitchat.

“Do you think you’d also like to visit with Dwayne and Brandon sometime?”

“Uh, sure,” I mumbled. I doubted she’d turn around and take me back, so I didn’t plan on being the greatest person to talk to.

She nodded happily. “And is everything okay at Eleanor and Greg’s? I realize they don’t have a lot of experience fostering, but everyone has to start somewhere.”

At least there I had something to say. “They wanted a little kid. Why didn’t you just give them Andrew or Ryan?”

Slight jowls formed on the sides of her face as she frowned. “We always try to do the best for everyone involved, Alex, but there aren’t always perfect solutions. I wanted to keep the boys together, and Eleanor and Greg were only interested in housing one foster child at the moment.”

I folded my arms against my chest. “You didn’t even ask me if I wanted to stay with anyone. Bet you didn’t ask Seb, either.”

Her frown deepened. “Like I said, there aren’t always perfect solutions.”

“There aren’t
no
perfect solutions when you’re taking someone away from their family,” I shot back. “I dunno why the hell you’d even try to do this job.”

Her nostrils flared, but she didn’t offer an explanation.

After that, her chipper attitude didn’t reappear, and I was grateful. She let me put on the radio, and I used it to drown out my thoughts about what I was going to say or do when I actually got to see Seb. The only thing I wanted to focus on was looking into his eyes again, and maybe even getting a smile out of him. I was positive things would work out from there.

“We’re just about here,” Suzie remarked as the music gave way to an annoying car commercial.

“Really?” I sat up and looked around, finding nothing but grass-covered hillsides. That alone was pretty remarkable, since it was about the most nature-covered place I’d ever been.

“Mhm.” She turned up a windy gravel road and parked in front of a small white building. Similar house-like structures dotted the hills directly beside and behind it, in addition to a full-sized basketball court and a soccer field. I could even make out a pool in the distance.

“
This
is it? This is the
facility
?”

She laughed. “What were you expecting, a sanitarium?”

“No, I thought it’d be like a hospital or an insane asylum.”

She just laughed again. “I wouldn’t do that to Sebastian.”

We left the car and entered the building directly in front of us, which turned out to be some sort of office. A short black woman met us at the front desk and extended a notebook toward Suzie. She scribbled down our names while the woman peeled the backs off some bright yellow visitors stickers and handed them over.

“Just bringing Alex to visit a friend,” Suzie told the woman, who smiled and waved us past.

We exited the back of the office, and Suzie paused for a moment, bringing her hand up to shield her eyes from the sun. “Now, let’s see, if he’s in his room, I think it’s that building off to the left…”

I led the charge, somehow positive he would in fact be in his room. It wasn’t really a giant leap of faith.

“Seb!” I burst into the little cabin. “Hey, it’s me, Alex!”

The creak of bedsprings came from the end of the small hallway. I dashed into the room there and immediately spotted the lump under the blankets of the bottom bunk.

“Seb!” Unable to contain myself, I pulled back the covers rather than waiting for him to emerge. “Hey, man, I’m here.”

His eyes met mine, and for an instant, his pupils widened into pools of pure black surprise. But just as quickly, the curtain of blankness snapped over them once again.

Suzie had entered the room.

“Still sleeping during the day, Seb? You know the other kids have been hoping you’d join them outside for soccer on Saturdays.”

He didn’t look at her, but he sat up slowly.

“Well, Alex wanted to check up on you. I’m sure the next time he comes he’d like to see you getting out more and enjoying everything this place has to offer.”

The blanket fell from his chest, and I stood back a few inches, mostly to resist the overpowering urge to gather him in a hug. From that viewpoint, I could see the color in his skin had started to fade, leaving him pale again. He also seemed thinner, his collarbones jutting out and his eyes even more immense than usual in his drawn face.

“Shit,” I murmured, resting my hand against his arm. “I don’t think he’s been eating right. Doesn’t he look really skinny?”

Suzie nodded. “I’ve heard he’s been having some difficulties adjusting…like you were at Eleanor’s. Maybe you could encourage him to start eating a bit more?”

Guilt swirled in the acid of my own empty stomach. How could I have let Seb down like this? He looked terrible, he obviously wasn’t fitting in here, and the whole time he’d been suffering I’d thought of no one but myself.

Forgetting Suzie was in the room, I put my other arm on his shoulder. “Hey, you okay?” I asked softly. He tilted his head down and some hair fell over his eyes. “And you need a haircut, huh.”

A squeak startled me, and I drew back. It was Suzie’s shoes on the tile floor. “You know what, I think I saw someone else I need to visit with.” She patted her briefcase. “I’ll be back shortly.”