Silver is for Secrets (24 page)

And I know I won‟t.

I think I see blurs of PJ and Chad. I think they sit behind me for a while. Maybe one of them pats my back. Maybe one of them whispers that they‟re being forced onto the ferry. Maybe Amber tells them to go.

Maybe not.

“Stacey,” some lady mouths. And then there‟s more mouthing, but I real y don‟t have time to focus on all that. I have to watch the water.

I have to be alert for Jacob.

Time passes. The sun rises. Somehow my arm has been bandaged up.

Somehow blankets have been placed over my shoulders. And there‟s a mug of something in front of me, a package of crackers as well. Amber and Drea are still here, I think. Every once in a while, one of them will wipe my forehead, hold my hand, kiss my cheek, mouth something at me.

Or maybe those are angels.

I‟m busy watching the rescuers. More of them come and go, speeding back and forth in rescue boats that light up giant patches of sea. Some of them turn to look at me on their way back. They shake their heads and curse silently to themselves.

Some of them can‟t look at me at al .

“Stacey,” a little voice says in my ear. “Time to go.” I shake my head, swearing that I‟l never leave, that Jacob and I wil never be apart.

But they take me anyway—hands and arms and fingers, pulling at me, making me go, taking me away, mouthing things at me despite my pleas to stay and wait for Jacob. “He‟l find me!” I shout, so loud inside my head; I‟m not sure if they can hear it, too. “I need to be here for him.”

I fight all of it, kicking and screaming and weighing myself down by dragging my feet along the deck. Until I can‟t fight anymore. Until I feel dead inside.

Until my body gives out and my life falls to pieces.

News clipping from the
Cape Cod Gazette

Fundraiser Frat Cruise Turned Booze-fest Bust Leaves One Teen Critically

Injured, Another Missing

SANDYHAVEN—One teen is missing, another was rushed to Morley General Hospital during what was supposed to be a charity event sponsored by Pinewood University‟s Delta Pi fraternity.

The young man missing is Jacob LeBlanc, 18, of Vail, Colorado. According to authorities, LeBlanc had been trying to resolve a scuffle between two female passengers when the boat deck‟s railing gave way and LeBlanc fell overboard at around 12:05 AM Friday morning.

According to Officer James Riley of the Sandyhaven Police, a pin holding the railing together was either taken out or became loose, allowing the barrier to become unhinged.

The Coast Guard arrived shortly after LeBlanc‟s fal . No body has been recovered.

The teen flown to Morley General and involved in the incident is said to be in stable condition. Earlier in the evening, the 15-year-old female, whose name has not been released, stabbed herself in the stomach, according to Riley, and had to receive an emergency blood transfusion.

Riley says authorities have been unable to determine if the stabbing was accidental or a suicide attempt.

The exact cause of the incident is unknown. One source says the 15-year-old may have been pretending to be the victim of a stalking as a way to get close to LeBlanc and his girlfriend, Stacey Brown, 18, who was also involved in the scuffle.

Brown was treated for minor injuries at the scene.

The source says the girl had been leaving gifts and mysterious notes for herself, claiming that they were from an anonymous stalker. Parents of the 15-year-old declined to comment, but a friend of the family says the teen‟s parents thought she had been vacationing at a friend‟s summer rental.

Brown also refused to comment.

A criminal investigation is underway, and police say the search for LeBlanc will continue for another 72 hours.

“It just isn‟t right,” Riley said. “He [LeBlanc] and his girlfriend were set to start col ege in just a couple weeks. Now his parents are planning his funeral.”
Transcript from therapy session with Dr. Atwood

[Begin tape]

Dr. Atwood: How are you feeling today?

SB: Numb.

Dr. Atwood: Understandable. Do you want to talk about it?

SB: Not really.

Dr. Atwood: I want you to know that what you‟re feeling is completely normal. It‟s good to give yourself time to grieve. It‟s healthy. We need that.

[Long pause]

Dr. Atwood: Do you want to talk about what happened after the accident?

SB: Not really.

Dr. Atwood: What would you like to talk about?

SB: Nothing.

Dr. Atwood: Have you tried drafting that letter we talked about?

SB: No.

Dr. Atwood: I really think it might help you,

Stacey.

SB: [shrugging]

Dr. Atwood: I was thinking . . . it might also be helpful to write a letter to Clara.

SB: No!

Dr. Atwood: I know the idea of it might seem overwhelming right now, but it might give you an outlet for some of your anger. Even if you don‟t send it, it‟l give you a place to explore your feelings toward her, toward her actions.

SB: I hate her.

Dr. Atwood: Tell me why.

SB: You know why.

Dr. Atwood: It‟s good for you to get it out. Tel me, why do you dislike Clara so much?

SB: Because she‟s responsible.

Dr. Atwood: For what?

SB: For what happened.

Dr. Atwood: What specifically?

SB: All of it.

Dr. Atwood: What do you think her plan was?

SB: To cause problems.

Dr. Atwood: Problems for whom?

SB: Everybody.

Dr. Atwood: Including you and Jacob?

SB: [nodding]

Dr. Atwood: Why do you think Clara would want to cause problems between you and Jacob?

SB: Because of Donovan.

Dr. Atwood: The boy who was sent to the juvenile detention center?

SB: [nodding again]

Dr. Atwood: She blames you for that?

ME: [more nodding]

Dr. Atwood: She must have been very angry.

SB: I don‟t want to talk about it anymore.

Entries from Jacob’s journal

Monday, August 23rd

Moon: last quarter

l had another nightmare. lt was even more intense than the last one. l dreamt that l was choking. My lungs were fil ing up with water and l couldn‟t breathe. l woke up in a cold sweat with a horrible stabbing feeling in my chest. l fear l‟m going to drown. l want to tel Stacey about it, but it seems she‟s having nightmares about some girl who‟s renting down here as wel . She seems real y stressed about it. l figure if l just stay out of the ocean, away from water, l should be okay. Except Stacey keeps asking me to go for a swim. l feel like a jerk keeping secrets from her, but l know it‟s for the best. lf she had any idea that l was going to drown, that my life was at stake, she‟d drop everything. That‟s just the way she is. l don‟t want to add that stress to her right now.

Tonight, after everybody goes to sleep, l‟m going to the beach to do a prophecy spell with saltwater, sunflower seeds, and dried thyme. l hope it tells me what l need to know. Am l real y going to drown? What‟s going to cause it? ls it purely accidental or is someone else behind it?

And then l need to stop it from happening.

Tuesday, August 24th

lt‟s getting harder to keep my nightmares a secret from Stacey. l know she suspects something‟s up. l also know it‟s causing a rift between us. Maybe l should tel her. But every time l want to, it‟s like it‟s never the right time. She‟s beyond stressed, like l‟ve never seen her before. Who knows? Maybe part of her stress is because of me. Maybe she can sense something about me and what l‟m dreaming.

But l know if she suspected anything bad, she‟d come forward about it. Wouldn‟t she?

Of course she would. l think the nightmares must be playing with my mind. They‟re getting worse. Last night l thought l died right in my sleep. l woke up, clutching my skin, making sure l was still alive. There were scratches across my chest. l think l must have dreamt l was struggling to find my way above the surface of the water and scratched myself in the process.

l woke Chad up as well. He asked me what was wrong and l told him l had a dream about fal ing. l think he believed me because he didn‟t ask more, but it doesn‟t matter. All that matters is that l figure everything out.

Wednesday, August 25th

Stacey wants me to go on this frat-party cruise. But obviously l can‟t. l can‟t go out in the water. l‟m almost surprised she hasn‟t recognized that yet. She insists on going because Clara is going. l don‟t know about Clara. There‟s something l don‟t like about her—though it doesn‟t seem like anybody likes her.

l bought Stacey‟s ticket for the cruise, but l know it doesn‟t help. l know she wants my support. l don‟t know what to do anymore. l hate al these secrets. But l‟d hate it even more if Stacey ditched helping Clara because of me. lf something bad happened to Clara, Stacey would feel beyond guilty. l know she would.

Tonight, after everyone‟s asleep, l‟m going to sneak out and try some crystal magic out on the beach. lt‟s easier to get away at night, plus l have the moon‟s energy. l feel like it‟s real y obvious when l take off during the day, like today. l know Stacey was hurt when l just left like that at the Clam Stripper. lt‟s just sometimes l need to do a spell when the sun is at its peak. l know it bothers Stacey. l know she notices. l hate keeping stuff from her.

Thursday, August 26th

l had a nightmare this afternoon and it totally freaked me out. lnstead of dreaming about my own death, l dreamt about Stacey‟s, that she was going to die tomorrow.

ln the dream, she was drowning instead of me. l was there, trying to help her out of the water. l think l may have even jumped in, but it‟s like l couldn‟t reach her, like she was just inches from my fingertips, slipping farther and farther away by the moment.

l woke up in a panic, breathing hard, practically panting, l think.

When l woke up, there was a note stuck to the window from the outside. lt had my name written across it. l‟m not sure what it means.

lf anything happened to Stacey l think l‟d die as wel . l need to be with her today, every day, no matter what.

lf anything happens to me, l want Stacey to have this journal.

Anonymous note to Jacob (stuck inside his journal)
JACOB,

IF YOU DON‟T COME ON THE CRUISE, I PROMISE YOU, YOUR BELOVED

STACEY WILL DIE.

More from session with Dr. Atwood

Dr. Atwood: You mentioned once before that you sensed that Clara was in danger.

SB: [nodding]

Dr. Atwood: Did you tell her about your premonitions?

SB: [nodding again]

Dr. Atwood: So let me get this straight——you were having premonitions about Clara; she thought they were fake, but, all along, she was truly in trouble.

SB: Yes.

Dr. Atwood: Quite a coincidence, don‟t you think?

SB: I don‟t believe in coincidence.

Dr. Atwood: What do you believe?

SB: [shrugging]

Dr. Atwood: You want to know what I believe?

SB: [more shrugging]

Dr. Atwood: I believe that maybe, unknowingly, you gave Clara the whole stalker idea. I think that maybe when she saw how concerned you were about her, she knew it would be a good way to play it up, pretend to be the victim of a stalking. It would be a good way to get close to you and cause problems.

SB: [shrugging again]

Dr. Atwood: I also believe you might be a little confused about things——about what you say you predicted, about what you believe you sensed. But that‟s understandable; you‟ve been through a lot.

SB: It doesn‟t matter what you think.

[Long pause]

Dr. Atwood: A psychologist I spoke to at Morley seems to think that Clara was a

“cutter.” Do you know what that is?

SB: [more nodding]

Dr. Atwood: The psychologist believes Clara‟s stomach wound might have been accidental——that she‟d been trying to cut herself and pressed too far. From what I understand, the wound was pretty extensive. If you hadn‟t been there, she probably wouldn‟t be around right now. How do you feel about that?

SB: [shrugging again]

Dr. Atwood: Did you know a photographer who was renting a cottage near yours?

SB: Where did you hear about him?

Dr. Atwood: I heard on the news that he was being questioned——something about taking pictures of young women on the beach.

SB: [more nodding]

Dr. Atwood: Clara also took pictures——of herself, correct?

SB: [nodding] Using the timer on her Polaroid.

Dr. Atwood: Interesting. I wonder if she wanted you to think that the photographer was the stalker.

SB: It doesn‟t matter.

Dr. Atwood: Why not?

SB: [sighing] All that matters now is finding Jacob.

Dr. Atwood: And you believe he‟l be found?

SB: It‟s fine if you don‟t. It doesn‟t matter what anybody else thinks.

Dr. Atwood: It‟s been four weeks, Stacey.

SB: Without a body, they can‟t declare someone dead at sea for seven years.

Dr. Atwood: So you plan to wait seven years?

Letter to the Admissions Department at Beacon University
September 1, 2004

Casey Devon

Director of Undergraduate Admissions

Beacon University 223 Tremont Street

Boston, MA 02116

Dear Mr. Devon:

My daughter, Stacey Brown, is currently enrolled to start as a freshman at your university in a couple weeks. Unfortunately, I‟m going to have to ask that you defer her admission until the spring 2005 semester.

Stacey is dealing with the trauma of losing her boyfriend. I‟m sure you‟ve heard that Jacob LeBlanc has been missing for several days now. I know he‟s enrol ed to attend your university as well.

As I‟m sure you can imagine, Stacey has not been herself lately. She, Jacob, and Stacey‟s friend, Amber Foley, were al so excited when they al got into Beacon, but unfortunately, her admission will have to wait a few more months.

Thank you in advance for your patience and understanding. Please let me know if you have any questions.