Herzbruder was standing nearby and, hoping to do something for me, asked permission to speak. He said he knew the Huntsman of Soest better than anyone else in the world. He was, he said, not only a good soldier who was not afraid of the smell of gunpowder, but also an accomplished horseman, a perfect swordsman, an excellent musketeer and artillery-man, and the equal of any engineer into the bargain. He had left not only his wife, by whom he had been shamefully betrayed, behind in Lippstadt, but everything he owned there, and now wanted to rejoin the imperial army. During the last campaign, Herzbruder continued, he had served under Count Götz and been captured by the Weimar forces. While trying to get back to the imperial side, he and his comrade had dispatched six musketeers and a corporal, who had been sent to bring them back, and taken a considerable amount of booty. The Huntsman had accompanied him – Herzbruder – to Vienna with the intention of offering his services once more to His Imperial Majesty, on condition he was given a position worthy of him, for he did not want to fight as a common soldier again.
By this time the distinguished gathering was so merry they insisted on satisfying their curiosity and seeing the Huntsman in person and Herzbruder was sent off in a carriage to fetch me. On the way he instructed me how to behave towards such eminent people, since my future career depended on it. Accordingly I gave pithy, laconic replies to all their questions, which impressed them since everything I said made sound sense. Everyone found my manner agreeable and they already had Count von der Wahl’s word that I was a good soldier. I also managed to get drunk and I can well believe I showed how little experience of court society I had, but the end result was that an infantry colonel offered me a company in his regiment. I didn’t say no, I can assure you! ‘Being a captain’ll be child’s play’, I thought to myself. The next day, however, Herzbruder told me I had acted precipitately. If I had held out a little longer, he said, I would have ended up much higher.
So I was made captain in charge of a company which, even though with me it had a full complement of officers, boasted no more than seven privates, and my non-commissioned officers were such decrepit old sweats I didn’t know what to do with them. It was not surprising, then, that very soon afterwards we received a drubbing in a fierce engagement where Count Götz lost his life and Herzbruder had his testicles shot off. I was wounded in the thigh, but it was just a scratch. We returned to Vienna to have our wounds treated, which was where we had our money and belongings in any case. Despite the fact that the wounds soon healed, Herzbruder fell into a dangerous condition, which the doctors did not recognise immediately. He was paralysed in all four limbs, like a choleric person with an excess of yellow bile, even though he was not of that humour. Nevertheless, he was recommended to take the waters and Griesbach in the Black Forest was suggested.
Thus fortune can change in an instant. Shortly before, Herzbruder had expressed the intention of getting himself made a baron in order to marry a young lady of rank; at the same time he would have had me made a knight. Now, however, he had to think again. Since he had lost the wherewithal to propagate a new line and, moreover, his paralysis threatened to prove a lengthy illness during which he would stand in need of good friends, he made his will, in which he appointed me sole heir to his whole estate. He did this especially because he saw how I had thrown away my good fortune, resigning my captaincy so that I could accompany him when he went to take the waters at Griesbach and look after him until he was well again.
By the time Herzbruder could ride once more it was May and pleasant weather for travelling. We sent all our spare cash (for now we shared the same purse) by banker’s draft to Basle, equipped ourselves with horses and servants, and set off up the Danube to Ulm and then to the spa. There we took lodgings, after which I rode on to Strasbourg. We had had our money sent on there from Basle and I was going to collect some of it, but I also wanted to look for experienced doctors to prescribe medicines and a regime for Herzbruder while he was taking the waters. They came with me and established that Herzbruder had been poisoned. The poison had not been strong enough to kill him outright, but had affected his limbs and would need to be purged with drugs, antidotes and sweat-baths; the treatment should take eight weeks or so, they said. As soon as he heard this, Herzbruder knew straight away when he had been poisoned and by whom, namely some officers who would have liked to have his position in the army. When the doctors also told him that the mineral waters were not necessary for his treatment, he concluded that the army medical officers had been bribed by his rivals to get him sent so far away. However, he decided to stay in Griesbach to complete his treatment since not only was the air healthy, but there was pleasant company among the other visitors.
I was unwilling to waste all that time, since I felt a yearning to see my wife again, and as Herzbruder no longer particularly needed my help, I told him this. He approved and encouraged me to go to her. He also gave me some valuable jewels for her, to ask her forgiveness for being the reason why I had not returned to her sooner. So I rode off to Strasbourg, where I not only stocked up with money but also made enquiries as to what would be the best way to travel to make sure I got through safely. Going alone on horseback was impossible, I discovered. The route passed between many garrisons of the two warring sides and the foraging parties made it very unsafe. I therefore had a pass made out for a Strasbourg messenger and wrote some letters to my wife, her sister and parents, as if I were going to send him to Lippstadt with them. Then I pretended I had changed my mind, recovered the pass from him by a subterfuge, sent my servant back with the horse, dressed myself up in red and white livery and took a boat as far as Cologne, which at that time was a neutral city.
First of all I went to see my Jove, who had previously appointed me his Ganymede, to find out what the situation was regarding the goods I had left there. Unfortunately I found him in one of his deranged phrases and angry at the human race. ‘O Mercury’, he said when he saw me, ‘what news do you bring from Münster? Do men think they can make peace without my agreement? Never! They had their peace, why did they not keep it? Was not every vice in fashion when they provoked me to send war to them? And what have they done since to deserve peace? Have they mended their ways? Have they not become worse, running off to war as if they were going to the fair? Have they turned over a new leaf because of the famine I sent in which so many starved to death? Has the terrible death toll of so many millions frightened them into improvement? No, no, Mercury, those who are left, and who have witnessed all the misery with their own eyes, have not only not repented, they have become worse than ever! If they do not reform when faced with such dreadful calamities, but continue in their godless ways amid all these trials and tribulations, what will they do when I send them the pleasurable golden days of peace again? I would be afraid they would try to storm heaven, as the Giants once did. But I will nip any such mischief in the bud and leave them stuck in their wars.’
Since I knew now how to get on the right side of this god, I said, ‘Oh great Jupiter, the whole world is sighing for peace and promising repentance, how can you refuse them any longer?’
‘Oh they sigh’, replied Jupiter, ‘but for their own sake, not mine. They do not want to sit under their vines and fig-trees and praise God, but simply to enjoy the luscious fruits in peace. Not long ago I asked a mangy tailor whether I should grant peace, but he replied that it made no difference to him, he had to ply his needle in peace as well as in war. I got a similar reply from a brass-founder who said that even if he didn’t have the bells to cast he had in peacetime, in wartime he had plenty of work with cannon and mortars. Likewise a blacksmith said, “If I’ve no ploughs to make or cartwheels to shoe during wartime, I’ve still got enough horses and army waggons coming to the forge. What do I need of peace?” So you see, my dear Mercury, why should I grant them peace? It’s true there are some who want it, but only, as I said, for the sake of their own bellies and their own enjoyment. On the other hand there are those who want the war to continue, not because it is my will, but because they profit by it. Although the carpenters and masons would like to see peace so they can earn money rebuilding the burnt-down houses, there are others who are not confident they could support themselves by honest labour in peacetime and want war to continue so they can continue to steal.’
Hearing my Jupiter go on about these matters, I realised he was too confused to give me any news of my affairs and didn’t reveal my identity to him. Keeping my head down, I made my way to Lippstadt along the by-paths I knew so well. There, maintaining the disguise of a messenger from outside, I enquired after my father-in-law and learnt that both he and his wife had died six months ago and that my darling had also died immediately after giving birth to a young son, who was being looked after by her sister. On hearing this I delivered to my brother-in-law the letters I had written to my father-in-law, my wife and to him. He offered to put me up so that he could ask me about Simplicius’s situation and what I was doing. The result was that I had a long conversation with my sister-in-law about myself in which I praised myself to the skies. The pock-marks had so spoilt my looks and changed me that no one recognised me apart from Herr von Schönstein who, being a good friend, kept his mouth shut.
After I had gone on for a long time about all the fine horses and servants Herr Simplicius had and how he went round in a black velvet coat covered in gold lace, she said, ‘Yes, I always imagined he came from a much better family than he pretended. The commandant here forecast a great future for him and persuaded my late parents they had done well to saddle him with my poor sister, who was a devout young girl, though I myself never thought it would turn out well in the long run. Nevertheless he did the right thing and decided to enter the Swedish, or rather Hessian service in this garrison. With that in mind, he went to Cologne to bring back the goods and money he had there, but the business dragged on and by a trick he was dispatched to France, leaving behind my sister, who had been married to him less than a month, and another half dozen respectable young girls, all pregnant by him and all of whom gave birth one after the other – my sister was the last – to boys. Since by that time my father and mother were dead and since my husband and I cannot have children, we have made my sister’s son heir to our whole estate, and with the help of the commandant we have collected the property his father had in Cologne. It amounts to about three thousand guilders so that when he comes of age he will scarcely be called poor. My husband and I love the little boy so much that we would not hand him over to his father, even if he came himself to fetch him. He’s the prettiest of his step-brothers and the very mirror image of his father. I’m certain that if my brother-in-law knew what a handsome son he has here he would not be able to resist coming to see the little darling, even if he would prefer to avoid his other bastards.’
From the way she spoke I could easily tell how much my sister-in-law loved my child, who was running round in his first pair of breeches, a sight that melted my heart. I took out the jewels Herzbruder had given me as a present for my wife, telling her that Herr Simplicius had sent them as a token to his darling, but seeing that she was dead I thought it right and proper they should be passed on to his child. My brother-in-law and his wife were delighted to accept them and concluded that I was not only not short of money but also quite a different kind of person than they had hitherto imagined. Then I requested their permission to leave and when they agreed I asked to be allowed to give young Simplicius a kiss in his father’s name, which I would then report back to Herr Simplicius. My sister-in-law approved of the idea, and when it was done both the child and I started to bleed from the nose, at which I thought my heart would break. But I kept my feelings hidden, and to give them no time to reflect on the significance of this sympathetic reaction I left right away. After two weeks of difficulty and danger I was back in at the spa, dressed as a beggar, for I had been robbed of everything on the way.
As soon as I got back I saw that Herzbruder was worse rather than better, even though the good doctors and apothecaries had fleeced him worse than a fat lamb. There was something of a child about him and he could only walk with great difficulty. I encouraged him as best I could, but things looked bad. He himself must have realised from his loss of strength that he was not going to last long. His greatest comfort was that I should be with him when he breathed his last.
I, on the other hand, was determined to enjoy myself and took my pleasure where I could find it, as long as it did not interfere with my care for Herzbruder. Since I now knew I was a widower, my young blood and the fine weather drew me to the pleasures of love, which I pursued vigorously. The fright I had received at Einsiedeln was by now completely forgotten. At the spa there was a beautiful lady who claimed to have blue blood, though in my opinion she was more nubile than noble. Since this man-trap appeared to be rather sleek and shapely, I laid siege to her and very quickly obtained entry both to her salon and to any other pleasures I could desire. However, her easy virtue soon disgusted me and I looked for a way I could decently get rid of her since I suspected she was more interested in getting her hands into my purse than in marrying me. Moreover she insisted on giving me passionate glances and other tokens of her ardent affection wherever I might be, which made me blush for both of us.