Sing Like You Know the Words (54 page)

In the house, he was surprised
to see quite a lot of family clutter: framed photographs of Mr
Thomas’s family, and his brother’s family, at various stages in
their lives. Getting him to explain who they were and how they were
related was useful background for Matthew. He suspected that David
himself was unaware of some of the relationships. There were
hand-made objects too: small crafted items that Mr Thomas had made
years ago, bits and pieces that held memories that he was willing
enough to share, in his matter of fact way.

Eventually Matthew came to his
subject.

-What was he like as a young
child?

-I don’t know how you’d describe
something like that. He was a good boy, did as he was told mostly
and didn’t get into trouble. Like most children I suppose.

-Did you think he was at all
extraordinary?

-Well he was always bright
enough. Clever at school compared to his brother and sister.
Although his report books said he was lazy. In the family, I
suppose his cleverness was exaggerated. We didn’t really have a
history of formal education on either side. David being the eldest
made it harder for his brother at the school: the teachers expected
a bit much of the younger one after they’d been teaching the elder.
That seemed a bit unthinking to me. He’s fine now though, Jack I
mean: got a nice wife and two kids, living locally so I see a bit
of them. Wish we saw more of David, but he’s so busy of course.

-His mother died young.

-My Evelyn you mean. That she
did. That was a loss it took me a long time to get over. I was
angry with the world. I think that made me a bad father at least
for a time. I worry about that still, sometimes. It was a difficult
age for the kids, but then, when isn’t it? I can be thankful they
turned out so well.

-Can you recall how David took
it … his mother dying?

-I remember him being upset. He
was the eldest and the most quiet. His sister, she was very young,
she went through a phase of eating dirt, soil from the garden I
mean. Hard to understand that isn’t it? David didn’t say that much
as I remember. He bunked off school a bit and we had words about
it, but some kids go through a truant phase whether there are
problems at home or not. It was Anne we had the most difficulty
with. She’s gone to live down London now.

-Do you remember a time when you
rented a cottage in the hills, and he became lost one day? That’s
something he still talks about now and then.

-You’ve got me there: let me
think. Wait there was something like that, so long ago. David would
have been about sixteen. We rented the place with my brother, for a
fortnight.

-Go on

-Not much to tell. I remember
David thought he was getting too old to be on family holidays with
us, he spent a lot of time on his own. Me and my brother, we like
hiking, still do, when we can manage it. Have to be careful not to
overdo it now though. You hear of too many people dropping dead on
the high fells, old ones like me and him I mean.

-But you’re right, something did
happen. David had gone off on his own and young Jack, well he was
always influenced by what David did. So on that day he decided to
take himself off on his own as well. Never said anything to us. Of
course I wouldn’t have allowed it, too dangerous up there. David
was older, and he was always the sensible one anyway, but Jack, no.
Anyway, he took himself off and we didn’t know where. Me and Peter,
we’d already gone out walking with the other kids, so there was
just my sister in law at the house, and David I suppose. Jack
didn’t come back until after it was dark, we were worried sick,
went out looking for him ourselves with torches. I remember it was
a very dark night. Then he just arrived, looking none the worse,
though he was soaking and freezing. He spent the next few days in
bed as I remember.

-I’m a little confused Mr
Thomas. Are you sure you have it quite right? Wasn’t it David who
was lost?

-Not as I remember. In fact, now
you mention it, David was put in a state by the whole thing, seemed
to blame himself; I suppose because he thought Jack was following
his example. All the time Jack was in bed recovering, David stayed
with him, checking that he was alright and talking to him. They
were close in those days, more so than now. Time pushes people in
different directions of course. But I’d forgotten all about that
episode until now.

***

The congregation was not so
large as it used to be, but the choir and the organ could still
fill the vaulted space with a mighty reverberation that left you
feeling part of something bigger than yourself. It was the emotion
that Patricia had used to describe to herself as holy when she was
a child. Even now she found a little comforting envelope for her
existence during the service. It was only that now, once the
service was over, the feeling was quickly gone leaving no
comforting glow behind.

And she was annoyed at David.
These days, if she came to mass at all, she preferred to sit near
the back of the church; not so much to be self effacing as to stay
at one remove from the proceedings. All magic worked better when
you glimpsed at it from a distance, without the close up human
detail. Even the words sounded better after distance and echo had
drained some of the commonplace out of them. But no; David had to
be up at the front, on display, in the biggest church in the city,
sitting there with a big silly smile on his face like some thirteen
year old girl waiting to receive first communion.

Patricia had feared that little
Evelyn would find it all intimidating, but there she sat between
her parents, eyes fixed on her beloved father, the two of them
making a picture of family devotion that somehow shut out Patricia
herself.

And David really was waiting for
his first communion: he´d been baptized and confirmed in an
Anglican church; only as a matter of form, in a family that was not
much troubled by religion. The priest had been very regretful,
clearly not wishing to offend, but he advised them in the strange
formulaic language they all used that it would not be in order for
David to take the sacrament until he was formally received into the
Church. Patricia thought it was pathetic the way they sucked up to
David, as if it was such a big deal for them to have a man like him
accept the true faith. For now at least, he would have to watch
from the stalls. Patricia didn´t take communion either. It had been
a while since her last confession.

David was happy. It was a calm
and satisfying happiness that washed over him as the service
proceeded in its unhurried way, cleaning out his thoughts. All the
more so, when he could sit conscious of his wife and his beautiful
daughter at his side. He could sense that Patricia was a little
tense. Probably she had an unconscious sensation that David was
taking over something that had been private in her own life. Soon
she would realize how perfect it was that they could share this
great thing in their lives. Meanwhile he should be careful not to
seem too enthusiastic; not like the person who gives up smoking and
then immediately wants everyone else to stop. Quietly they would
approach the state of grace together, with Evelyn at their side.
This is what I was lacking for so long, he thought.

They came to the Agnus Dei,
asking the Lamb of God for mercy. Words polished smooth by the
centuries but still filled with a great beauty, to David´s ears.
Patricia heard the same music and felt the same need of mercy, but
when it came to the plea for god to grant his peace, the request
seemed to her only ironic. The church gave her no peace.

She´d had all the chances she
needed to tell someone what she knew. She regarded the priest as a
dull, unimaginative man with a too literal view in matters of
conscience. But these days David was having private audiences with
all manner of clergy. It was part of his preparation to make his
commitment of faith, but also Patricia suspected because he wanted
to do more than simply join the congregation. It was the ambition
coming through. He couldn’t help himself. She could have talked to
any of these clerics about the case of the abused child and the
priest who was shipped back to Ireland. David had positively
encouraged her to join him in the meetings, and surely not all of
them would be men who would tell her that god moved in mysterious
ways and urge her to be resigned to events.

But she couldn´t bring herself
to do it. It was that she didn’t know what she wanted to be done;
or the fear of failing to convince others of what she had
discovered; or worse, finding out that they already knew and had
failed to act. In any case it was cowardice of one kind or another.
And it set her apart from the other people in this building,
singing in praise of god; and from the honest sincere faces she
thought she saw around her, and even from her own family.

***

The last time that Matthew met
Amy, a long time after their separation, came about by chance,
almost. She was due to receive a business award that was sponsored
and reported on by the paper, and Matthew went along to write the
story. At the dinner they sat at separate tables. The bumped into
each other later on, in the bar.

-I couldn’t eat anything,
knowing that you were in the room.

-Me neither. They tell me the
food wasn’t up to much anyway. You’re looking great Matt.

-You too. No, I mean, you. I’m
looking old, but it’s okay, I am old, getting there anyway.
Starting to feel it too. You know the way it goes with men: they
don’t age so much year to year. You think the years are not really
showing and then one morning you look in the mirror, bang there’s
another decade gone.

-Never mind, you are decaying
splendidly, very distinguished.

-In this light maybe

The pause was uncomfortable.

-How is Jane?

-She’s fine. Fine. How is…

-Geoffrey: he’s well. Hale and
hearty you would say, in a sarcastic tone of voice no doubt. Don’t
pretend; you never did like him.

-It’s not that. I just thought
that he… well never mind.

-And Jason?

-He’s doing well. Very well. We
got him into a new school you know, and it’s made such a
difference. He’s such a happy kid, so affectionate.

Jason was the safe subject they
could talk about, but as Matthew spoke unselfconsciously about the
problems they had experienced, and how they had tried to solve
them, and just how the boy spent his days and what gave him
pleasure, Amy started to relax and smile a little more.

It was the old smile. Lips a
little thinner and a few more wrinkles, but the same, more
beautiful than ever. Matthew told her so.

-You’ve changed Matt. You’ve
grown I think.

-I was always more lucky than I
deserved. Jane’s been good for me. And Jason gives me more than
I’ve given him. That’s one of those stupid things that people say,
but it’s true.

-Still, it must have been hard
at first. You weren’t used to anyone relying on you, I
remember.

-I admit it. I was too wrapped
up in myself all the time. You cured me of that Amy, whatever else
happened between us, you taught me how to live in the world, with
other people. An old friend of mine once said that we only find
ourselves outside of ourselves. I thought it was just a phrase he
made up to sound clever. You know any fool can spout a paradox as
if it were profound. But now I believe it really meant
something.

She was still smiling, but there
was a tear rolling down her cheek.

-Amy you’re crying. Let me get
you something.

-It’s all right. I’m not sure
what I’m crying for really. Anyway it was nice to see you.

-Good to see you too. Maybe
sometime…

And then, Amy was gone to the
ladies room, napkin pressed to her face.

***

Matthew still saw Patricia
often, though the sexual side of their relationship was long past.
Lunchtime meetings were a semi official engagement that they kept
up more as a matter of habit than because they had a lot to say to
each other. There was always news to catch up on though, and in
some ways Matthew remained a confessor figure for Patricia: not
that he’d ever applied for or wanted the role.

-I had a strange phone call
yesterday, she was telling him. From an old friend I suppose; well
an old client actually. I didn’t remember him at all at first, but
you know how it is, you let them run on and eventually there is
some clue and the memory clicks into place. He told me his real
name, but everyone just used to call him Raj. Used to be one of my
regulars when I was doing criminal trials, him and his friend,
small time burglars. Kept getting caught, like they all do.

-Why was he ringing you?

-Like I said, it was a strange
call. He was talking to me as if we’d had some kind of thing going
on. At first I was concerned that he was going to ask me out, or
worse ask that I give him some professional help without paying.
Anyway he insisted that he had left that criminal life behind him
and that he was now completely legitimate, well mostly legitimate,
and doing quite well. He told me he didn’t see Pete, yes that was
the name of the partner, any more and that Pete was never going to
change. But he wasn’t calling me to speak about that. It was about
his brother.

-Pete’s brother?

-No you idiot, his own brother.
It seems that this brother is a lot younger than him and still
lives at home. They live quite near to your mother’s place. Raj was
always the black sheep he said; I think he meant it to be funny. He
said the young boy has always been very well behaved, very
studious, respectful to his parents.

-And now he’s going off the
rails?

-No, it’s more interesting than
that. Raj says he’s become very religious, but in an obsessive way.
He only wants to talk to people who have the same ideas as him.
He’s even been overseas to study these ideas at a special school.
Raj doesn’t think it’s healthy.