Sister of Silence (22 page)

“Have I really helped that much?”
Even to my own ears I sounded incredulous. I knew she liked my work, but I had never realized how much.

“Absolutely! You have such a way with words, and your writing skills are improving all the time. Not that they were bad when we hired you. And your column, it’s terrific. Oh, here, a letter came for you in today’s mail.” She handed me a postmarked envelope, one of several I had recently received. Usually they were filled with praise for my column, but occasionally there was a complaint. I wondered which one this letter contained.

I left Linda’s office feeling better than I had in days, and more secure in the knowledge that she valued me. I was so thankful, because anything else would have seriously endangered my goal of saving enough money so I could leave Eddie and support my children.

And seeing my plans derailed in that regard was the last thing I needed
.

I knew the day when I would leave Eddie was not far off, but in the meantime, it
again became impossible living as we were. He was always yelling at one of us, and in turn, we were always living in fear of doing something that would trigger his anger. Not knowing how long it might be before I could make my escape, I suggested we go to a marriage counselor. I thought it might give us some peace and quiet, or at least teach Eddie how to manage his anger. As it turned out, I was the one who had something to learn.

I casually suggested it one evening when Eddie was sitting at the dining room table, flipping through the pages of an auto magazine.

“We seem to have the same problems, over and over. I thought maybe we should consider seeing a counselor,” I said, hearing the hesitancy in my voice.

He shrugged nonchalantly. “Whatever you think.”

“If you don’t want to go, Eddie, just say so. But I can’t stand to see things go on like they have been, either,” I said.

“Okay, I’ll try it. But I’m not making any promises
.” Eddie followed his statement with a grunt.

He went back to his magazine and I went to the kitchen for a glass of water, before going upstairs to bed. As I passed him, I stopped beside his chair. “Thank you, Eddie. It means a lot to me.”

He didn’t say anything.

We met Trudy Shaffer during our first session one week later, in a large upstairs room of a private psychology firm. The room was light and airy, with watercolor prints hanging on the walls. It was a pale ivory, and decorated sparingly. A thriving ivy plant sat in the center of a wooden Quaker table under a window that overlooked the street below. There was also a fireplace and a bookcase, filled with books on a variety of psychology-related topics.

It was a lovely, soothing room, and I instantly felt at ease. Trudy’s short dark hair bobbed as she offered us seats. She told us she specialized in family counseling, and seemed really nice and down-to-earth. Eddie even seemed impressed. We didn’t go into too many details, just told her why we had come, and she asked some general questions about our jobs and our children.

“We need to keep a written record, kind of like a game plan, so I’ll know what progress we’re making. Now Daleen, you said you feel that you and Eddie have stopped communicating, but you still love each other. Is that how you see it, Eddie?”

He thought a moment before answering. “Yeah, I guess so.” From where he sat, in a chair across from both Trudy and me, it was hard to read Eddie’s expression. But I could see a bit of humor there, as if he thought our visit was amusing.

“Do you see any other problems? Daleen said she’d like for you to work on your temper, but does she do anything that bothers you?” Trudy asked him kindly.

“Oh no, the problems are all mine. Everything’s always my fault.” Eddie seemed to slump down even further in his chair, his arms crossed in front of his chest like a belligerent child.

“I see.” Trudy looked from Eddie to me.

“That isn’t true, and you know it,” I chided him.

“Well that’s what you always tell me. That if I didn’t cause so many problems everything would be just fine,” he shrugged.

“Eddie, I know I have problems I need to work on, but I feel like I’m trying, and you’re . . .” I paused, then added, “Well, you’re not.”

Trudy turned to me. “He’s what? Not trying, you mean?”

Eddie answered instead. “Yeah, that’s what she always says. But why should I try, when she’s so perfect and nothing I do is good enough for her?”

I could hear the sarcasm and anger in his voice and I was embarrassed, but I wasn’t backing down
. The sooner Trudy sees how things really are, the better.
We might as well get it all out in the open now.

“That’s not true, either,” I said. “I’m not perfect, and I don’t pretend to be, and as far as accomplishing things—why, anytime you do something, I tell you how wonderful it is.”

Eddie remained silent as Trudy watched us. “See what I mean? She knows everything, so why do you need me here?”

“Eddie, you sound like you don’t want to be here. Do you?” she asked.

He looked up from the floor for the first time. “No, not when it’s not going to do any good.”

I was feeling annoyed and knew it was beginning to show. “That’s the problem. You never look at the bright side. You only see the negative. Of course it won’t help if you don’t believe it will,” I said, frustrated.

Trudy was writing in her notebook and when she was finished she set it down.

“I’m going to give you some homework: I want you each to try to give the other person two compliments before you return next week,” she smiled broadly. “Can you try that?”

We both nodded.

“Good, then I’ll see you next week.”

The weather was cold and rainy the following week and Eddie and I had argued on the way into town, making us a fine pair once we found ourselves again confined in the closed space. As soon as we entered her office, I knew Trudy sensed all was not well. Yet her smile showed nothing as we took our seats. I really liked her. She was candid yet kind, and very intuitive.

“Hello, how are you two?”

“Fine.” I managed a small smile. “Well, actually, we had a fight on the way here.”

“About coming here?” Trudy looked concerned.

“No, about—oh, numerous things. You name it, we covered it.” I looked at Eddie, who remained on the couch, staring stonily down at his feet, his body language saying he was trying to get as far away from us as he could.

“So Eddie, do you want to talk about it?” Trudy turned to him.

“No, let her. She’s the great talker in the family.” He wouldn’t look up from his tennis shoes.

There was a brief silence before Trudy smiled and turned to me. “Well, Daleen, did you think of two compliments for Eddie?”

I felt myself blush. “Yes, but I forgot to tell him.”

She nodded. “And, Eddie, what about you?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You didn’t what, think of two compliments, or didn’t tell Daleen?” Trudy smiled.

“Neither.”

I glanced sideways at Eddie, sitting on his corner of the couch. He appeared to be pouting. Again.

I guess we’re going to be blessed with his monosyllables for the hour’s duration
.

Suddenly the entire scene seemed hilarious and I fought hard to suppress the laughter that threatened to erupt at any second. I knew if Eddie saw any sign of amusement, he would have a fit. He couldn’t stand it if I didn’t have a frown—like the one he always wore—on my face.

“All right, then you can both work on that again for next week.” She looked at the notes she had taken during our first appointment. “Why do you think you have such a hard time communicating, Daleen?”

I sat there trying to come up with an answer. I didn’t really want to get into the details about Eddie’s infidelity, but I didn’t know how to get around it. It certainly was part of the problem. “Well, I guess it goes back a few years, to 1987.”

“What happened in 1987?”

“Eddie had an affair.” I saw Trudy shake her head slightly as I peered past her, out the closed window. “I forgave him, and we reconciled, but he never really treated me well afterwards, and I get the feeling he thinks it was all my fault. S
o…” I shrugged my shoulders and looked at her, “we don’t talk much.”

“I see. What do you have to say about all this, Eddie? Do you think it’s Daleen’s fault? The affair, I mean?”

“Well, first of all, I think it’s something that I’m never going to be able to live down, and second, no, I don’t think it’s her fault. I don’t know why I’m not very nice to her. I just…” His words trailed off.

“I’d like to say something.” I decided to be bold.

Trudy looked at me. “Go ahead, Daleen.”

“I think that’s unfair, Eddie. I said I forgave you, and I never bring it up, but right after I told you I wouldn’t file for divorce, you began treating me terribly. That’s very hard to get used to. Besides, I shouldn’t have to—you just shouldn’t do it.” I stared at him, hoping he felt my pain.

“I take it Eddie was gone from the home for a time after this affair?” Trudy’s voice was gently prodding.

“Yes, he moved out for a couple of weeks, until I decided I was willing to try and save the marriage. But he’s been gone some since then, too.”

“You mean out of the home?” Trudy asked, taking more notes.

I shook my head and looked at Eddie, trying to give him a chance to explain. There were, after all, answers I needed from him, about why he continued to act so petulant.

“Eddie, would you like to say something about that?” Trudy asked him quietly.

He pulled the tip of his baseball cap up so we could see his eyes. “Not really, but I guess I’ll have to.” He stopped. “You see, I never meant for anything to happen. I’m probably as hurt by it all as Daleen is. But it happened and you can’t turn the clock back, but I just get the feeling that Daleen hasn’t really forgiven me, even though she says she has. And it’s like she’s always watching me, trying to see when I’ll make the next mistake.” He looked at me squarely. “But there won’t be a next time.”

“Does Daleen say anything to make you feel like she doesn’t trust you?”

“No, not exactly. It’s just a feeling I get, that’s all
.” Eddie shrugged.

“I see,” Trudy said, taking more notes.

“I don’t think Eddie believes I’ve forgiven him because he’s never forgiven himself, and he feels guilty about it,” I offered.

“Is that right, Eddie?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Let’s get back to what you mentioned earlier, Daleen. You said that Eddie still leaves sometimes. What do you mean?” Trudy asked.

“He just gets angry and takes off in his truck and doesn’t come back for a day or so. Usually he goes to his sister’s, but I never know until I’ve called around, hunting for him.”

“And has this been going on for a long time?”

“No.” I closed my mouth, and then realized something. “Well, actually, if you want to get technical about it, he’s been doing this ever since we were first married.”

Trudy’s eyebrows went up. “Really?”

“Yes, he has,” I said thoughtfully. “Over the years, whenever he’s gotten angry—but not every time—he would take off and I wouldn’t hear from him for several hours, sometimes not for a couple of days. The first time it happened, we’d only been married a few months.”

“I see.” Trudy looked at Eddie. “You seem to be content to just listen, Eddie. What do you think? Do you know why you leave?”

He gave Trudy his classic shrug. “I dunno. I just do, that’s all. I guess I get tired of hearing her complain.”

“I complain because you’re never home long enough to fix anything that needs fixed, and when you are there, you’re glued to the television screen, or to some porn magazine, and then you get angry when I ask you for help with the kids,” I said coldly.

I felt myself begin to fume, but fought to stay in control of my feelings. I couldn’t understand why, when I felt like I was trying so hard, nothing was working out.

“I see.” Trudy made a few notes, before speaking in that soft, even tone of hers. “I’m sorry, but it’s almost time for my next client. But before you go, I want you to try to do something for me. Do you two ever go out on a date?”

Eddie smirked. “What’s a date?”

“Has it been awhile?” Trudy laughed, looking at each of us. “All right. Eddie I want you to ask Daleen out sometime this week, and then I want you to arrange for a sitter. Next week you can tell me how it goes. Are you two game?”

Our heads shook in unison, and I wanted to laugh. It was the first time we’d agreed about anything since we met Trudy.

But neither of us was thrilled about her suggestion. I could just picture us going out on a date. If it went anything like the last hour, we were in for a major waste of time.

Friday rolled around soon enough, and even though Eddie hadn’t officially asked me out, I was still mildly excited about our “date.” I wasn’t expecting too much for our first trial run, but I hoped an evening together might improve our relationship, even if just a little.

I was getting dressed when Mileah came into the bedroom. “Where are you going, Mommy?”

“Daddy and I are going out tonight, Honey.”

“Who’s staying with us?” Mileah asked, watching me button my blouse.

“Pam.”

“Oh goodie!” She ran off to tell her siblings. I could hear them making plans, and talking about how fun Pam was.

It had been awhile, and as I slipped on my shoes, I stopped to think about just when Pam had babysat for us. I couldn’t even remember when, much less why, we had gone out.

I guess Trudy’s right; we do need some time alone together
.

The phone rang, breaking into my thoughts. I heard the mad rush as the children ran to answer, fighting over it. “Do not fight over the telephone. Tell whoever it is I’ll be right there.”

I ran downstairs to discover Mileah talking to Eddie on the phone. I took the receiver she held out, saying, “Eddie, where are you? Pam will be here in thirty minutes.”