Skulduggery Pleasant: Kingdom of the Wicked (50 page)

“Does it matter? You break in here, you get the Redhoods and a City Mage knocking on my door, you ask me ridiculous questions about my mother’s murder... Isn’t it time you left?”

“You sneak people out,” Serpine said. “That’s it, isn’t it? You sneak people out through the sewer pipes. I’ve been wondering about that for years. I tried it once myself, got lost down there for days. Also it didn’t smell that great.”

“Please,” Walden said stiffly. “You have to leave, all of you. Before you ruin everything.”

When they left him, he was trembling. They let Serpine walk on ahead, but Skulduggery kept the slate in his hand.

“
I’m sorry
,” Skulduggery said, and shook his head. “That’s not it. Lament said it was a phrase that stopped Argeddion in his tracks.”

“I don’t want to point out the obvious,” Valkyrie said, “but Lament was under Argeddion’s control when he said that. He was probably lying to us.”

Skulduggery murmured something, then said, “Is that all it is?”

“What do you mean?”

He moved closer, his voice dipping. “The fact is, thirty years ago they trapped Argeddion. Lament, under Argeddion’s control, told us that it was this traumatic phrase that allowed them to do so. The key words there being
under Argeddion’s control
.”

“So he lied,” said Valkyrie slowly, “which means they trapped him some other way.”

“And obviously Argeddion didn’t want us knowing what that other way was...”

“You still don’t sound convinced.”

The eyebrows on Skulduggery’s face furrowed. “It’s a bit much, that’s all. A phrase from his childhood that triggers a complete emotional shutdown? Why so elaborate? What did it achieve?”

Valkyrie didn’t say anything. She’d found it best to let Skulduggery continue on his own at times like these.

Skulduggery looked around. “It achieved this. Right here, right now. It achieved this.”

“I don’t get it.”

“We are here, in this City, in this dimension, walking down this road, because of what Lament told us.”

“No,” Valkyrie said. “We are walking down this road because Nadir did that shunt thing, and I brought you with me.”

“Nadir reached for me, too. In the prison. He tried to shunt the both of us.”

“So?”

“Mien had Nadir hooked up to the prison for fifteen years – for Nadir, that was fifteen years of being
asleep
.”

Valkyrie blinked. “And Argeddion was communicating through people’s dreams.”

“Nadir said he didn’t know what we were talking about when we charged him with assault. I thought he was lying. Now I don’t think he was. I don’t think he was even aware he’d done it.”

“So Argeddion got to Nadir in his dreams, talked to his subconscious, and told him to shunt the both of us over here? But how would Argeddion know we’d even want to talk to Nadir in the first place?” She frowned. “Wait. Of course he knew. Greta fed us enough information to lead us to Nadir, and from Nadir we found Argeddion. He’s been controlling Greta, too.”

“Maybe,” Skulduggery said, “or maybe she just shares his optimism about the human race. Either way, he wanted us to come here. This has been his plan all along.”

“But why? So we can get the Sceptre? He wants us to kill him?”

Skulduggery shook his head. “He may not have known about the Sceptre. He probably never even considered it. No, he sent us here for the one thing he didn’t have over there.”

“Which is...?”

“Walden. He wanted us to find Walden.”

“He wanted us to find himself? And do what?”

“He told us, even with the Accelerator he’s still not powerful enough to spread magic to every single mortal on the planet. But with two Argeddions, working together...”

Her eyes widened. “
Walden
is his surprise guest?”

“And we’ve found him for him. He couldn’t send one of his drones – the further away they are from him, the weaker his control becomes. He needed independent people to come over here with their own agenda.”

“So... so what do we do?”

“What do you think we should do?”

Valkyrie looked back. “The most logical thing would be to... to kill Walden.”

“Agreed.”

“But we can’t.”

“It’s not that we
can’t
...”

“We won’t, then. We can hide him. You can hide him, and not tell me, so Argeddion wouldn’t be able to find out where he is.”

“That’d only slow him down,” Skulduggery said. He nodded. “OK. Now that we know what Argeddion wants, we can work to make sure it doesn’t happen. The best way to do that is to take advantage of his oversight.”

“We get the Sceptre.”

“We get the Sceptre and we use it on him before he gets his hands on Walden.”

“Easy as that,” said Valkyrie.

“Indeed. So we’re back to our main objective.”

“What about Serpine?” Valkyrie whispered. “Can we trust him?”

“Of course not,” said Skulduggery. “But we don’t know the City, and we need him to help us get into the Palace. And anyway we’ve got the regulator.”

Serpine stopped walking and turned, waiting for them to catch up. “If you’ve quite finished plotting and planning, we have a Palace to break into, don’t we?”

Valkyrie frowned at him. “We’re miles away.”

“You don’t break into a palace through the back door, Valkyrie, especially not one like this. It is unlike any palace or castle ever built.”

“So how do we get in?”

“We exploit a strength,” he said, “and make it a weakness.” He led them over a wall between two buildings, and they hurried to a narrow door. Skulduggery snapped his palm against the air and the door flew open. Serpine went first, and Valkyrie heard a scream and a crash. By the time she ran in, Serpine had his hand over the mouth of Eliza Scorn and he was dragging her down to the cellar.

“Baron Vengeous,” Serpine said, “is a man who likes things done a certain way. He likes his meals served on time, he likes his uniforms pressed just so, and he likes his houses built with secret passageways. Isn’t that right, Eliza?”

Scorn sat in a straight-backed chair in the middle of the cellar and glared at him. “May the crows peck out your eyes,” she said.

“Charming.”

Were this cellar in any other part of the country, it would be dark and cold and lit with candles. But here, in the City, it was bright and warm and clean. It was also empty.

“Is that why we’re here?” Skulduggery asked. “We’re going to sneak in through a secret tunnel? Then why aren’t we sneaking, Nefarian?”

“Because I don’t know where the tunnel is,
Skulduggery
. And judging by the shackles around her wrists and ankles, I doubt Eliza will tell us, no matter how much pain we visit upon her. Martyrs are the most annoying of captives. Ah, how different things might be if I had this glove off...”

Skulduggery threw the pain regulator’s black slate to Valkyrie. “Here. Use this if he takes longer than five seconds to answer a question.”

Serpine held up his hands. “Ah-ah, don’t be so hasty! We’re waiting for Vengeous to get back. He never takes the surface route – it’s much too long. He always comes via his little secret passageway, which opens up somewhere in this cellar.”

“We don’t have time to waste,” Skulduggery said. “We could shunt back at any moment. Where I’m from, we have a device we use for detecting tunnels.” He took out his phone, activated the screen, and started taking slow steps around the cellar with the screen held towards the floor. Valkyrie didn’t have a clue what he was doing, but she stayed quiet.

Scorn glared at Skulduggery, then at Serpine. “The Faceless Ones will burn your soul for this.”

Serpine gave a shrug. “Better a burnt soul than a fried mind.”

“How dare you!” she screeched. “The Dark Gods
opened
my mind! They gifted me with enlightenment!”

Valkyrie put a hand on Scorn’s shoulder, keeping her in her chair. “Keep calm, please. Serpine, don’t annoy her.”

“I’m just talking,” Serpine said, his green eyes innocent. “It was one of Mevolent’s grand plans, opening a door for the Faceless Ones. A half-baked ritual he found in some obscure book of old magic. But the thing is, it worked. The door opened. The problem was that it didn’t stay open for more than a few seconds. It worked once, and never worked again. But in those few seconds, Eliza caught sight of something... and something caught sight of her.”

“I looked into the face of a god,” she whispered, her eyes following Skulduggery.

“And we all know what that does to you,” said Serpine. “When she stopped screaming, a few years later, she cut all her hair off and started walking around in chains. And by complete coincidence, that was exactly what Baron Vengeous was looking for in a woman.”

“Be silent,” said Scorn.

“The old ball and chain became the old bald-in-chains, and he’s never been happier.”

Scorn flew at Serpine and he jumped back, laughing as she tripped over her own shackles and sprawled on the floor.

Valkyrie tried helping her up. “Eliza, stop. He’s just trying to provoke you.”

“Unhand me, filthy creature!”

“Me? I’m just trying to be nice.”

“Stop the filthy creature from speaking to me!”

“Oh, for God’s sake...”

Scorn pushed her away. “God?
God?
You know not what a true god looks like! You are a blasphemer! You may not gaze upon me!”

“
I know not?
” Valkyrie said. “Why do religious freaks talk like this? It’s always religious freaks and villains.” She frowned over at Serpine. “And how come she’ll let you gaze upon her but not me?”

“Because I’m not a blasphemer,” Serpine replied, as Scorn rose to her knees and clasped her hands in muttered prayer.

“Wait a minute,” Valkyrie said. “You still worship the Faceless Ones? Then why did you turn against Mevolent?”

“Because he’s insane,” Serpine answered, “and ridiculous, and I thought I’d win. Why does anyone do anything?”

Valkyrie blinked. “So you haven’t reformed?”

“Why should I reform? You people are the ones in the wrong here.”

Scorn nodded. “Filthy blaspheming creatures, that’s what they are. Their souls will be burned.”

“Oh, shut up,” Valkyrie said.

“Found it,” Skulduggery said. They all turned. He pointed at the wall next to him. “The tunnel starts here.”

“Heathen!” Scorn screamed. She jumped up, ran forward and fell over, as expected. Skulduggery ignored her.

“Despite all the distractions she barely took her eyes off me,” he said, “and every time I passed this area her mouth tightened. This is where she didn’t want me looking.”

“So that device isn’t for detecting tunnels?” Serpine asked.

Skulduggery returned his phone to his pocket. “No, it’s not. It’s for making calls and playing Angry Birds.”

Scorn tried to get up off the floor but Valkyrie put a foot on her back. “Blasphemers! You’ll never find the lever!”

“We don’t need it,” Skulduggery said. He placed his gloved hands on the wall and focused. After a few seconds, the whole thing started to tremble. Bricks cracked, crumbled, moved aside and fell, and the tunnel was revealed. He looked back at them. “Eliza, you’ve been a big help, but we can take it from here.”

She screamed at them.

he bodies were here. If Scapegrace had a belly, it would be filled with butterflies. Thrasher held him and shifted his weight from one foot to the other as they waited for Nye to arrive.

“Stop,” said Scapegrace, sloshing about in his jar. “Stop doing that.”

“Oh, sorry, Master,” said Thrasher. He waited until the liquid had settled before speaking again. “You know what I feel like, Master? A child on Christmas morning.”

“Well, you can’t have one,” Scapegrace said, and chortled.

“I, uh, I don’t get it, sir.”

“Of course you don’t,” Scapegrace snapped. “That’s because it’s sophisticated humour for sophisticated people. And what are you not, Thrasher?”

“I’m not a sophisticated person,” Thrasher said meekly.

Doctor Nye swooped its head down to get in through the door. It didn’t apologise for being late, it didn’t apologise for making them wait. Of course it didn’t. It was a creature. It was a thing. It didn’t understand what it was like to be human.