Authors: Colleen Hoover
"It's pretty weird isn't it? How everything worked out? You guys moving here when you did? Kel and Caulder finding each other, right when Kel probably needed a best friend the most? Him taking your mother's news so well? It just all worked out."
He turns toward me and smiles. "I'm proud of you, Lake. You did good today." He plants one of his lingering kisses on my forehead, then walks to the living room.
"Caulder still needs to take a shower, I guess we need to go. I'll see you tomorrow," he says.
"Yeah. See ya."
I sigh as I think about the one thing that
isn't
on his mind. The one incredibly huge thing that
didn't
work out; us.
I'm starting to accept it. That we won't be together. That we
can't
be together. Especially the last two nights he's been here. It really feels like we've finally transitioned. There are definitely still moments, but none we're not able to overcome. It's only October and he'll be my teacher until June. That's still eight long months. When I look at the shift my life has made in the past eight months, I can't fathom what my life will be eight months from now. When I lie down and close my eyes, I make a resolution. Will is not going to be my first priority anymore. I'm putting my mother first, Kel second and
life
third.
Finally. He no longer has a hold on me.
***
"Eddie, will you go grab me a chocolate milk, Babe? I forgot to get one." Gavin is giving Eddie puppy dog eyes. Eddie rolls her eyes and gets up. As soon as she leaves the table, he turns toward us and starts whispering.
"Tomorrow night. Getty’s. Six o'clock. Bring a pink balloon. And we're going to the slam afterward."
"Gavin, are you crazy? That's not funny, she'll be pissed," I whisper.
"Just trust me."
She's back at the table with the chocolate milk.
"Here, Babe. You owe me fifty-cents."
"I owe you my heart," Gavin says as she hands him the milk.
She slaps him lightly across the head. "Oh, grow a pair! You're such a sap," she says, right before she kisses his cheek.
***
I reluctantly walk into Getty’s pizza with a pink balloon in my hand. Gavin and Nick are gathered in the back of the room at a booth. He motions for me to join them. There are so many pink balloons. She's going to be pissed.
Gavin grabs my balloon and writes something on it with a big marker. "Here," Gavin says as he hands me the fistful of balloons. "Take all these and go to the back by the bathrooms. I'll come get you when it's time, she'll be here soon."
He shoves me toward the bathroom before I have a chance to object. I stand in a corner in the hallway between the men's room and the janitors’ closet. I look up at all the balloons, and that's when I notice there are names written on each one of them.
Moments later, an older gentleman walks down the hall toward me.
"Are you Layken?" he asks.
"Yes," I reply.
"I'm Joel, Eddie’s foster dad."
"Oh, hey."
"Gavin wants you out front, I'll take the balloons now. Eddie's out there. She thinks I went to the bathroom so don't say anything about the balloons."
"Uh, okay." I hand him the balloons and walk back to the table.
"Layken! You came! Guys this is so sweet," Eddie says. She starts to sit at the booth when Gavin pulls her back up.
"We're not eating yet. We need to go outside."
"Outside? But it's cold out there."
"Come on," he says as he pulls her toward the door.
We all follow Gavin outside and stand next to Eddie. I look at Nick but he shrugs, implying he doesn't know what's going on, either. Gavin pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and stands in front of Eddie.
"I didn't write this letter, Sweetie. But I was told to read it."
Eddie looks at us and smiles, trying to gain hints from our expressions. We can't give her any, because we don't even know.
It was July 4
th
when you came to me. Independence Day. You were fourteen. You burst in the door and went straight to the refrigerator, telling me you needed a sprite. I didn't have any sprite. You told me it was okay and you grabbed a Dr. Pepper instead. You freaked me out. I told the caseworker there was no way I could keep you. I'd never fostered a teenager before. She told me she would find you somewhere to go the next day, that she just needed me to keep you for the night.
I was so nervous. I didn't know what to say to a fourteen year old girl. I didn't know what kinds of things they liked, what shows they watched. I was clueless. But you made it so easy. You were so worried about making
me
feel comfortable.
Later that night when it was dark outside-we heard fireworks. You grabbed my hand and pulled me off the couch and drug me outside. We laid on the grass in the front yard and we watched the sky. You didn't shut up. You told me all about the family you just came from, the family before that, and the family before that. The whole time you were talking, I was listening. Listening to this little girl, so full of life. So full and enthralled with a life that tried so hard to knock her down.
Eddie gasps when she sees Joel in the window of the restaurant with dozens of pink balloons. He walks outside and stands beside Gavin. Gavin continues reading the letter.
I've never been able to give you much. Other than eventually teaching you how to park, I've never even taught you very much. But you've taught me more than you will ever know. And on this very special birthday, your eighteenth birthday-you no longer belong to the state of Michigan. And as of right now, you legally no longer belong to me. You no longer belong to any of the following people that once held claim to you and your past.
Joel starts reading names out loud as he releases balloons one by one. Eddie is crying as we all watch the balloons slowly disappear into the darkness. He continues releasing them, until all 29 siblings and all 13 parents names have been read and released.
He still has one pink balloon remaining in his hand. Across the front of it, in big black letters, it says
DAD.
Gavin folds the paper up and takes a step back as Joel walks toward Eddie.
"I hope for your birthday, you’ll accept this gift," Joel says as he hands her the pink balloon. "I want to be your Dad, Eddie. I want to be your family for the rest of your life."
Eddie hugs him and they cry. The rest of us slowly walk back inside Getty’s so they can have their moment.
"Oh my god, I need a napkin," I sniff as I search for something to wipe my eyes. I grab some napkins off the counter when I look at Nick and Gavin. They're both crying. I grab a few more napkins for them as we walk back to our booth.
17.
“
If I get murdered in the city
don’t go revengin’ in my name
One person dead from such is plenty
No need to go get locked away.”
-The Avett Brothers,
Murder in the City
Chapter Seventeen
I can honestly say I feel like I've moved through the five stages of grief in every aspect of my life.
I have accepted my father's death. I accepted his death months before we even moved to Michigan. I've accepted my mother's fate. I realize she hasn't even died yet, and that the stages of grief will once again recommence when she does. But I know it won't be as hard.
I've accepted living in Michigan. The song I listened to on repeat at Will's house in the floor was called
Weight of Lies
. A portion of the lyrics say,
"The weight of lies will bring you down, follow you to every town 'cause
nothing happens here that doesn't happen there."
Every time the song looped, all I ever heard was the part about the lies-and how they weigh you down. Tonight as I drive toward Detroit in my jeep, I know what those words really mean. It's not just
lies
they're referring to. It's
life.
You can't run to another town, another place, another state. Whatever it is you’re running from-it goes with you. It stays with you until you find out how to confront it.
Whatever it is I was hoping to run back to Texas from, it would eventually make its way back to me. So here I am in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Where I'll stay. And I'm okay with that.
I've accepted the situation with Will. I don't blame him at all for what he chose. Sure, I had fantasies of him sweeping me off my feet, telling me he doesn't need a
career
when he has
love.
The reality of it is, if he would have put his feelings for me first; it would've been hard to accept that he could so easily throw away the things that are the most important to him. It would have said a lot less about his character. So, I don't blame him, I respect him. And someday when I'm ready, I'll thank him.
***
I pull up to the club a little after eight o'clock. Gavin had a surprise for Eddie so they took a detour, said they'd be here late. The parking lot is unusually crowded, so I have to take a spot in the back of the building. When I get out of the car, I take a deep breath and prepare myself. I'm not sure when it was that I decided I was going to perform tonight, but I'm having second thoughts.
My mother's words linger in my head as I make my way to the front door. "
Push your boundaries Lake, that’s what they’re there for."
I can do this. They're just words. Repeat them and you're done. It's that simple.
I walk in the door a few minutes late. I can tell the sac is about to perform because you could hear a pin drop. I sneak in and quietly make my way to the back of the room. I don't want to draw attention to myself, so I slide into an empty booth. I take my phone out to turn the volume down and text Eddie letting her know where I'm sitting. That's when it happens; I hear him.
Will is standing in front of the microphone on the stage, performing a piece as the sacrifice.
I used to
love
the ocean.
Everything
about her.
Her coral
reefs
, her white
caps
, her roaring
waves
, the
rocks
they
lap
, her
pirate
legends and
mermaid
tails,
Treasures
lost
and treasures
held…
And
ALL
Of her
fish
In the
sea.
Yes, I used to
love
the ocean,
Everything
about her.
The way she would sing me to
sleep
as I lay in my
bed
then wake me with a
force
That I
soon
came to
dread.
Her
fables
, her
lies,
her
misleading
eyes,
I'd drain her
dry
If I
cared
enough to.
I used to
love
the ocean,
Everything
about her.
Her coral
reefs
, her white
caps,
her roaring
waves
, the rocks they
lap
, her
pirate
legends and
mermaid
tails, treasures
lost
and treasures
held.