Sleep Deprived: *Warning: Some Scenes May Disturb (2 page)

I didn't even bother undressing before climbing under the duvet. The longer I lay in bed, the more awake I became. After what seemed like hours, but was more like thirty minutes, my frustration grew to anger, and it wasn't long before I realised that sleep would once again elude me.

I sat up in bed and turned on the bedside lamp. Grabbing a book, I began trying to read; another futile effort. All I could think about was my day – that strange voice in my head, the baby's odd behaviour, how tired I felt and my violent reaction towards Claire. I grew more and more angry when I realised I couldn't get her out of my head.

The little bitch didn't want to nap. She didn't want to eat her lunch then had the nerve to throw it around the room. All she wanted to do was scream. I really hate that fucking kid.

Throwing my book on the floor, I stood up, walked to the kitchen and flipped on the light. That's when the voice came back.

Anna.

I spun around trying to find the source of the voice and saw nothing but my kitchen, which was bathed in the yellow glow of the overhead light.

You must get rid of the child. She's making you crazy. If she wasn't around, you could relax. You could sleep.

“No!” I screamed. The room spun and everything went black as my head hit the hard tile floor with a smack. I don't know how long I lay there, but when I awoke, I had a beast of a headache. I stumbled back to my bed and climbed beneath the duvet. I lay there wide awake until morning.

2.

Friday soon came around, I was filled with a sense of dread at having to watch Claire again. I could have called to cancel. I
should
have called to cancel, but after everything that had happened, I felt compelled to go to the Brown's home that evening.

I arrived promptly at six, rang the bell and Anthony answered the door. He was a lovely man, very quiet and kind, but today, when he opened the door, I felt as though he was staring into my soul.

“Anna, how lovely to see you again. Are you okay? Forgive me for saying so, I'm not trying to be rude, but you look exhausted.”

“Hello, Anthony. I'm fine. I've just had a slight headache today. Really, I'm fine. How are you?” I asked, best avoiding his question, and changing the subject.

“I'm about to spend two days with the love of my life. I am wonderful,” he said, beaming. He quickly seemed to forget all about his concern for me.

“Lovely,” I replied impassively. “And Katie and Claire?”

At that moment, Anthony remembered his manners as he realized that we were still standing outside. “Oh, I'm sorry. Come in, please. Katie and Claire are in the kitchen finishing up dinner.”

We walked into the kitchen and there sat Claire in her high chair. Katie was feeding her pureed peas.

Fucking little bitch. Now she eats the peas.

I forced a smile. “Hi, Katie. Claire certainly seems to love those peas.”

“She does,” Katie replied with a smile. “They're her favourite.”

She turned back to Claire. “All gone!” Claire giggled and smiled that stupid little sideways grin that I used to love, but today made my blood boil.

“Well go on then. It's past six. You two should be on your way. And happy anniversary!” I said, trying to usher them out of the house.

“Ah, right,” Anthony said whilst checking his watch. “It is time for us to be on our way. Ready, love?” he asked Katie.

“More than ready,” she said as she stood up from the table. She turned to face me. “Anna, thank you for staying with Claire tonight. We trust you, we always know that she's in good hands. Don't hesitate to call either one of us if you need anything.”  Before I could reply, she lifted Claire from her highchair and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Anthony joined her and said his goodbye to his daughter. “Be a good girl for Auntie Anna,” Katie told her. “Mummy and Daddy love you very much.” She put Claire back in her seat.

“Have a lovely time and we'll see you tomorrow.”

Anthony and Katie both smiled and turned and walked out of the kitchen to the hallway. Soon, I heard the front door open and close.

I walked over to Claire who was playing with her fingers. Snatching her out of her highchair, I took her to the sink where a quick wipe cleaned the peas from her face. My mood seemed to darken almost instantly.

“Right, let's get you ready for bed, little brat. I don't need you up all night.”

She won't let you sleep. You know that.

I ignored the voice. We went down the hall to Claire's room. I placed her on the changing table and changed her nappy, then took off her shirt and put her into her pyjamas and dressing gown.

“You, little girl, are going straight to sleep tonight, and I don't want to hear one sound out of you.”

I carried her to the kitchen where I warmed up a bottle of milk. We walked back to her room where I put Claire down in her bassinet and gave her the bottle, turning off the light as I left the room. Leaving the door cracked slightly, I headed down the hall and entered the living room. She immediately began to cry.

Let her cry.

I left her there and headed into the kitchen, looking for something – anything to help me sleep. Unfortunately, I found nothing. Not one fucking drop of alcohol. No sleeping pills or even cold medicine. Nothing. Perhaps it was for the best since nothing seemed to help anyway.

Claire kept screaming, her shrieks piercing my brain. I stormed out of the kitchen and walked back toward her room. When I entered, I turned on the light, causing her to jump. She screamed even louder.

“Shut up!” I screamed as I got closer. Claire continued to wail. I walked over to her and picked her up. Holding her under the arms in front of me, I shook her and screamed, “Shut up, you little fucking cunt! Shut the hell up!”

I threw her back down and took a deep breath. I knew how to get some fucking peace and quiet. The voice told me what had to be done.

Get rid of her. Silence her once and for all.

Claire had a Winnie the Pooh pillow in her bassinet. In fact, her whole room was decorated with that fucking bear and his stupid friends. Without hesitation, I grabbed the pillow and held it over her face.

So quiet. I could barely hear her muffled screams. I closed my eyes and held the pillow there. After a short time, she went still. Finally; some fucking peace and quiet.  I don't know how long I stood there holding the pillow over her face with my eyes closed, but the silence was beautiful. Then it struck me; she was no longer moving – no longer screaming.

I removed the pillow and stared down at her dead face. Her eyes were open and her head lolled toward me. As she stared back at me with a vacant stare, I thought I would feel something resembling sadness or remorse - I felt nothing.

You have to get rid of the body. If you don't, she'll wake up crying.

I did as the voice instructed; I was acting on autopilot. I walked down the hall and out the front door, taking a sharp left to head towards the garage. The door was unlocked, so I opened it and gingerly stepped inside, running my hands along the walls looking for a light switch. Eventually, I found it and the room illuminated into an incandescent yellow light.

On the workbench sat a small hacksaw.
Would this be big enough?
I looked around for a larger saw but found nothing, so I grabbed the hacksaw and headed towards the door, not bothering to turn off the light on my way out. I made my way back to the house. My eyes focused, but my mind totally blank.

I walked back in the front door, slamming it shut behind me. I locked both deadbolts and went into the kitchen to grab a large carving knife. Then I made my way back to Claire's room. When I got to the doorway, I paused, looking at her face, unsure of what to do next.

Take her to the bathroom and put her in the tub.

I walked to her bassinet and picked her up, grabbing her by the left ankle, lifting her out of her bed. I carried her, swinging upside down into the bathroom and turned on the light and as we walked through the doorway, accidentally banging her head on the wall. This caused me to laugh hysterically until I could barely breathe. When the laughter subsided, I realised that I was unsure of what to do next.

Place her in the tub.
Cut off her head.

I paused. Cut off her head? Was that necessary? She was only a baby!

Cut off her fucking head or she'll start crying again.

I laid baby Claire out flat in the tub, face down, because I sure as hell didn't want her looking at me whilst I acted, and put the saw on the back of her neck, lining the blade up with the birth mark. Her tiny birthmark, the one I used to love to tickle. I ran my thumb over the mark and tried to recall the happier times. The memories didn't come.

Using long, smooth strokes, I easily cut through the skin on the back of her neck. As soon as I saw the blood, I instantly retched, attempting not to empty the contents of my stomach. Taking deep breaths through my nose, my stomach eventually settled itself. Applying more pressure, I began cutting deeper into Claire's young flesh. That's when the phone rang.

I yelped and dropped the saw in the tub before springing to my feet and racing to the kitchen where the phone continued ringing. I took several deep breaths until I felt lightheaded and picked up the phone, already knowing who would be on the other end.

“Hello?” I answered in the calmest tone as I could manage.

“Hi, Anna, it's Katie. I'm just calling to check on you and Claire,” said Katie. “How are things?”

“You shouldn't have bothered checking on us, Katie, things are fine here. Claire just went down about 15 minutes ago so everything here is just fine. Nice and quiet,” I replied, smiling. I surprised myself with the calmness in my voice. “Are you having a good time?”

“Oh, it's been fantastic!” Katie exclaimed. “London is so romantic, if not a little expensive. Oh, I also wanted to let you know that we'll be home in time for dinner tomorrow night.”

“Fine, fine. I'll have something ready for you when you come in.” I needed to get off the phone but the idea for the perfect dinner entered my mind. “How does a nice roast sound?”

“That sounds lovely, but please don't go to too much trouble.”

“Oh, it's no trouble at all. Claire and I would love to make you and Anthony an anniversary roast. It'll be loads of fun,” I replied smiling. “Speaking of Claire, I think she may be stirring. I'd better run. Have a lovely time.”

“Thank you, Anna. For everything,” Katie replied. “See you tomorrow.”

“Yes, see you then. Bye.”

I placed the phone on the counter, noticing how much my hands were shaking. I stood there, gripping the edge of the counter top until my knuckles turned white, trying not to faint.

She might be waking. Go back in there and finish what you started!

That snapped me out of my reverie, and I rushed back down the hall and into the bathroom. I leaned over the tub to find Claire face down, just as I'd left her, and breathed a sigh of relief that I had returned before she awoke. Grabbing the saw, I went to work.

Eventually, the head came off; I wasn't expecting to have to work so hard to remove it. Despite her small size, cutting through the bones took a major effort and I broke into a sweat in the process. The sound of the bones cracking almost made me lose my composure, but the voice in my head kept me strong.
You're almost there. Keep going. You'll soon be able to sleep.
Then there was the blood. So much blood. I grabbed the head by its short blonde hair, threw it into the trash bin behind me and turned on the tub's faucet to wash the blood away. I rinsed the stump where Claire's head used to be, then lifted her out to clean away the rest.

You're not finished yet.

Ah, yes. I had to remove the arms because I certainly couldn't have them flailing about. Using the saw, I cut both arms off at their shoulder joints. Luckily, most of the blood ran out of the body when I sawed off the head, so only a few drops spilled as I removed the arms. I threw them into the bin with the head.

Time to clean up the roast.

“
No. I can't do it.”

You have to clean up the insides before you cook the roast. You wouldn't cook a turkey with the giblets still inside, would you? Cut along the breastbone to separate the ribs. Remove the organs, rinse the body and you will have a lovely roasting joint for Katie and Anthony when they return home tomorrow evening.

It was a slow, difficult process cutting through the sternum, but I eventually cut all the way through and split open the ribs. Removing the organs proved to be messy, but after careful cutting with the kitchen knife, I got them out with little trouble and threw them in the bin with the rest of the waste.

The rubbish bin was full, so I went to the kitchen and retrieved a bin bag. Quickly taking the head, arms and organs from the bin, I placed everything in the bag, tied it up and set it by the bathroom door. Unfortunately, in my haste, I failed to realise that one of the arms hadn’t landed in the bin, but rather behind it. Returning to the tub, I once again turned on the water to rinse the body and then cleaned the tub. Using a towel that was hanging on the rack, I dried the carcass and, grabbing the bag in the other hand, took both to the kitchen, feeling confident that the bathroom was clean.