Sleeping with the Fishes (16 page)

He looked alarmed. "Fred, you can't get on a boat."

"I know."

"You're terrible on boats!"

"I tried to tell them. But the alternative is letting them go alone, and they'll probably beat each other to death."

"Your love life is twice as exciting as mine."

"This kind of excitement I can do without. And they're not in love with me. It's just an infatuation."

"Sure it is."

"Don't start that whole 'Fred dismisses love because she has a fear of abandonment' bull again."

"But you do. And you do." Jonas stared at the ceiling. "I'm in love. I finally told her."

"And?"
Fred assumed it was going to be awkward.

"She ran out.
Ran
."

"Oh, ouch.
Who is this
bim
? Just point her out. See how well she can run when I break both her legs."

He sighed.
"Tempting, for all sorts of reasons, but never mind."

"Well, forget the loser. Whoever she is, you can do better."

"She's not a loser," he snapped, showing signs of life. "Don't call her that again."

"Jonas, if she couldn't see how wonderful you are, she's a big fat stupid giant loser and I never plan to call her anything else."

"I've been in love with her for six years'."

"Uh—time heals all wounds?"

"Nice try."

"Look, clean yourself up and come down to the NEA with me. It'll do you good to get out. And I could really use your help. You're so good at distracting the guys from hurting each other."

He sighed again. "I can't."

"How come?"

"I don't have any underwear."

"Since when," she demanded, "
do
you feel the need to wear underwear everyday?"

He thought about that for a moment. Then: "Point."
And went to take a shower.

The
Lollipop
was moored at the NEA dock beside the Voyager 777, which tourists used for whale watches. Much smaller, the
Lollipop
—

"As in, 'the good ship'?"
Jonas asked. "Get it? No?
Never mind."

—was for the aquarium's scientific expeditions and research.
As a water fellow, Thomas could sign it out and commandeer the crew whenever he wished; so could Fred.

With Dr. Barb's permission, of course.
But she wasn't around, so they dodged that bureaucratic bullet nicely.

"See?" she said, forcing cheer that sounded unnatural. "Isn't it nice to be out on this beautiful, um, autumn day?"

"It's raining." Jonas turned up his coat collar.

"Oh, a little water won't hurt you. Take it from me. At least you're getting some fresh air. Want to come on the boat?"

"With you?"
He shuddered, the insensitive creep.
"Absolutely not.
No way. No. I'm only here because you bullied me out of my safe cocoon. Once I bid you
toodle-loo
, I'm sinking back into despair."

"I promise I'll sit in one spot and not move."

"Fred. No."

"Okay, okay. It's probably all for the best."

They heard clomping noises at the far end of the dock and turned to see
Artur
and Thomas heading toward them.

"Oh, like Undersea Folk never take a shit in the ocean!"

"Our shit, as you put it, breaks down when exposed to seawater. Certainly we do not pump concentrated loads of it into our living room."

"I've had about enough of the smug routine,
Artur
. Show me the living breathing person who never screws up and I'll show you nobody alive on the planet."

"But surely you agree that your kind 'screws up' at a level unsurpassed by any other species. And many who 'screw up' aren't in fact making a mistake at all. They do it
purposefully,
and generally for the sake of conquest."

"Profit, really."

"Same thing."

"A million Undersea Folk running around the oceans eating all the raw fish they can get their hands
on,
and you guys aren't causing
any
damage?"

"You did not know of our existence until this week."

"Yeah, but every culture has mermaid legends. They sprang from somewhere, pal. People didn't just pull the stories out of their asses. And you guys probably control those krakens that yanked all those
seventeeth
-century European ships into the water, killing—"

"I tire of this topic."

"Tough nuts.
We—"

"Ah, my boys," Fred said with mock fondness. "What would I do without them? They've quit with testing each other physically, so now
it's
debate, debate, debate. Kill me now."

"You don't get off that lucky," Jonas muttered.

Fred was about to retort when her cell rang. Irritably she plucked it off her hip and flipped it open.
"Yeah?"

"Dr.
Bimm
?" It was Dr. Barb. "I see by the sheet that you and Thomas are signing out the
Lollipop
today."

Oops
.
"Yeah."

"I think, in light of what happened last time, I feel strongly that—wait. I'll come out."

"But—" Fred was talking to a dead line. "
Dammit
. Good thing you're here, Jonas. I'm going to need you to distract—"

"Good morning, Little Rika."

"Hey, Fred."

"Howdy,
fellas
."
She pulled Jonas to the side so the men could board the ship. "I'll be right there."

She turned to Jonas. "Okay, now it's really good that you're not coming."

Jonas shrugged. "Who cares?"

"Jonas, whoever the bimbo is,
forget
about her! She's obviously a moron of the highest order and you're way too good for her. So put the bitch out of your mind and focus on me now, please."

"Oh, it's Fred time.
Must be Tuesday.
Or one of the other six days of the week."

"Sarcasm does not become you," she said stiffly. "And furthermore—"

"Hi, Dr.
Bimm
!"

They looked. Madison was scampering up the ramp, waving. She wore a peach-colored shell (did she have a closet full of them, in all different colors?) and khaki pants that showed her pubic bone.

"My God," Jonas muttered. "I can see her five o'clock shadow."

Madison
screeched to a halt in front of them. "Hi, you guys! Are you going out in the ship?"

"Yes."

"Can I come with? I can look for dolphins."

"No."

"Besides," Jonas said kindly, "there aren't any dolphins in—"

"Oh please
please
? I won't be any trouble, I swear. You won't even know I'm there!"

"That," Fred said, "is a lie."

Madison
looked crushed. "Well… maybe your friend can keep me company." She batted her long lashes at Jonas. Actually batted her lashes! Fred didn't think women did that anymore.

"Thanks anyway, honey," Jonas said, "but I'm in mourning for my sex life."

"You—oh.
Oh
." Fred watched while Madison jumped to the conclusion that Jonas was gay. Normally she'd be irritated for her friend and wouldn't hesitate to correct the mistake, but in this case, Madison was doing Jonas a huge favor.

Furthermore, Dr. Barb was here, approaching them rapidly. Jonas had his back to her, but from where she was standing Fred had a perfect view of—a navy blue suit?

She stared.
And stared more when Dr. Barb saw them and dramatically slowed her trot.
In fact, she stopped altogether. And if Fred didn't know better, she'd think Dr. Barb was standing like that to… pose?

"Holy cow!"
Madison peeped. "Dr. Barb got a haircut!
And new clothes!"

Jonas's eyes bulged and he whipped around like it was the boogeyman coming up behind him instead of good old Dr. Barb.

"Jeez," Fred said, impressed. "She looks really good. I had no idea she had such a cute figure under those lab coats."

He whipped back around and now he was glaring at her. "Well, if
you've
noticed, it must be a bona fide transformation."

"Easy there, Bitchy McGee. Don't take your bad week out on me. I'm in charge of taking my bad weeks out on you."

Dr. Barb was
slowly(
?) making her way up the ramp leading to the loading dock. The clipboard she was holding was forgotten, hanging from one hand down by her side. Jonas turned back around to watch her walk up to them.

"Hi…Jonas."

"Hi, Barb."

"I, uh, it's nice to see you again."

"You, too.
You look beautiful."

Dr. Barb—eh?—blushed.

Blushed?

"It was, um, a little scary to come in today. I'm afraid I've been avoiding you."

"That's okay. I've been avoiding you, too."

Fred turned to Madison. "Go clean out the lobster tanks."

"But this is much more—"

She gave the younger woman a helpful shove, almost knocking her into the bay. "Bye, now."

Meanwhile, Dr. Barb and Jonas were staring into each other's eyes, oblivious of the nauseating picture they presented.

"I'm so sorry I ran out like that. It was all just such a—"

"That's okay," Jonas said, coming to life for the first time all day. "I kind of sprung it on you."

"Oh, no!
I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I was too silly to realize the enormous compliment you were paying me. I'd—I'd really like to go somewhere
private
and talk about it."

"You—you would?"

Fred, who had been staring back and forth like she was watching a tennis match, broke in. "You would?"

Jonas reached out. Dr. Barb put her small, chubby hand in his. They started walking down the ramp together. Suddenly Dr. Barb turned, waved the clipboard, and said, "Have a nice ride, Dr.
Bimm
!"

"Have a nice ride? Don't you remember what happened last time? Don't you care about my welfare? And why are you holding hands with my best friend?"

Jonas waved without even turning around. "Bye, Fred."

"Stop that! Stop that immediately! I don't have time for more complications right now! Jonas! Get your hands off my boss! Jonas!
Joooonaaaassss
!"
Then, in a near whimper, "Dr. Barb?"

Luckily, Jonas obeyed, dropped Dr. Barb's hand, and raced back to her. Now that was more like it!

He sure had gone above and beyond in this whole "distract my boss" thing, but now—

"Give me the key card," he hissed.

"What?"

"Thomas's key card!
I know he gave you a spare. Hand it over. You guys aren't going to be back for a while, right?"

"I'm not giving you the key card to a hotel room that isn't mine so you can bang my boss!"

"Yes you are," Jonas said. "Or I'll kick your fishy ass right into this harbor.
With all the shit."

"Fine, take it." Fred sulkily handed it over. "Unnecessarily complicate my life, see if I care."

"Okay. Bye!" He scampered back down the ramp, toward the woman he'd had a crush on for six years.

"I didn't mean any of it!" Fred shouted, but the lovebirds ignored her.

Stifling the urge to kick something, she stomped the rest of the way up the ramp.

Captain O'Donnell was not at all happy to see her.

"Get this nautical menace off my ship," he said by way of greeting to Thomas.

"Calm down, O'Donnell. This is official NEA business."

"And my father's,"
Artur
piped up, interrupting his conversation with a dazed-looking first mate.

"Low profile,
dumbass
," Thomas
snarked
.

"That goes for you, too,
dumbass
," Fred said. She turned back to the captain and gave him her nicest smile. He recoiled. "Now, captain, all that stuff is behind us, right? I was a completely different person back then… ignorant, willful—"

"It was two months ago, Dr.
Bimm
."

"But we've both aged decades since then in wisdom, haven't we." At his look of disbelief, she added crossly, "Well,
I
have!"