Sleight of Hand (38 page)

“Why on Earth?”

“No, I shouldn't have said anything. And now I don't need to, so …”

I pull a face and then look at her slyly. “Well, you kind of
have
said something,” I say. “But I'm not sure what it is. Because Tom is negative. Tom is HIV negative like me. So …”

“Sure. Well, just forget I said anything,” she says. “Now, the other thing …”

“Stop. Stop right there,” I say, raising one hand. “Why are you asking me this?”

“I really shouldn't …” Jenny says.

“You can't just chat about something like that and then change the subject. We did have sex – safe sex. We nearly
didn't
as it happens, but I insisted. So?”

“You nearly didn't what?”

“We nearly fucked without a condom. But I insisted.”

“Jesus!”

“Why ‘Jesus' Jenny? What's going on?”

“He's not,” Jenny says.

“He's not what?”

“Negative. Tom isn't negative.”

“No, he
is,”
I say. “He told me so just the other day.”

“He only just found out Mark,” Jenny says.

“Really? But how? He can't. A week ago he was negative.”

“A week ago he
thought
he was negative,” Jenny says.

I rub my brow. “I don't believe you,” I say.

“I didn't believe it either.”

“God that's dreadful. Does he know how he, you know, caught it?”

Jenny shrugs. “That's the worst bit.”

“How?”

“I shouldn't really …”

“Jenny!”

“He's been going to these … I don't know … sex parties I suppose you'd call them. With Sven.”

“Tom?”
I ask, incredulously.

“He's been taking some drug too and they all you know … shag …”

“What?!”

“I know Mark. It's crazy.”

“But Tom has
always
been safe.”

“He says he doesn't know what he gets up to. He blames it on the drugs.”

“And
what
drugs?”

“I don't know Mark. It's like speed or something, but different. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure
you
were OK.”

I cover my own mouth with my hand. “Well yeah. We were pretty safe.”

“Pretty
safe?”

“Well, we used a condom. But we had oral sex too.”

“TMI Mark. Anyway, oral sex is fine isn't it?”

“Yeah … it's pretty low risk. But Jesus! Poor Tom.”

“I know. Stupid Tom, more like.”

“He tried to as well. He
wanted
to fuck without a condom.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“But you didn't?”

“No. But all the same.”

“Well he didn't know. He was really shocked.”

“Plus I can't believe he told you …” I say.

“Well, we were talking about my cancer and what to do with Sarah and stuff so his health obviously came up …”

“No, I mean about
us
… He shouldn't have told you.”

“Oh. No. You're right. He shouldn't have.”

“God,” I say. “This is just bullshit.”

“It's awful isn't it.”

“You were talking about Sarah you say?”

“Well yes.”

“What, did you ask him to look after her then?”

“Not as such. I was just, you know, exploring the terrain. I said I didn't know how long I might be around, and Tom sort of fell apart. Because, well, neither does he now.”

“That's a bit dramatic,” I say. “The drugs are pretty good now …”

“But all the same.”

“Well yeah. Jesus. I want to feel sorry for him but I just feel angry.”

“I know. Me too. I mean, here am I struggling to stick around …”

“And it's not like he didn't know. It's not like he's in fucking Africa with no TV or anything. It's not like we're in nineteen-eighty-one and word hasn't got around yet.”

“No.”

I shake my head, momentarily lost for words.

“You're sure you had safe sex,” Jenny asks.

“Yes! I even have safe sex with Ricardo, but …”

“Well seeing as you're not faithful with each other that's probably just as well.”

“Yeah,” I say, then, “what do you mean
with each other?”

“Well,” Jenny says. “Ricardo's no angel either is he? You know that.”

“Do you know something that I don't?” I ask.

“No,” Jenny says. “No. Absolutely not. But, well …”

I take a deep breath then say, “I don't think we should, you know … go there.”

“No,” Jenny says. “Sorry. I didn't mean anything.”

“Fuck though. Poor Tom. Is he, you know … OK?”

Jenny shrugs. “He only just found out. So he's in shock I think. He's going to see a specialist next week, so … Anyway.”

“God!” I say again. “So that's what you wanted to discuss?”

“Sort of,” Jenny says.

“Sort of.”

“Well, the other thing is, um, how are you and Ricardo doing?”

“How are we
doing?
What do you mean,
how are we doing?”

“Well you seem good together. Solid.”

“We are.”

“And he doesn't know … about Tom?”

“No.
You
won't tell him, will you?”

“Of course not. It's just … I know some of you guys have open relationships.”

“We guys?”

“Yeah. Gay guys.”

“Well we don't.”

“Well, you sort of do actually, but you don't talk about it.”

“Jenny, for fuck's sake, we do
not
have an open relationship. I slipped up and had a quickie with my ex. I was feeling lonely and miserable and … but that's all it was.”

Jenny raises the palms of her hands at me. “Mark! Stop!” she says. “I'm really not … I'm not trying to judge or upset you or criticise or anything.”

“Well good.”

“All I'm asking is, do you see your future with Ricky or not? Long term, I mean.”

I wrinkle my nose at her. “You're really getting on my tits Jenny,” I say. “Of course I do.”

“I know. This is all going wrong. Maybe we should try another day.”

“What's this about? Do you want him back or something?”

Jenny laughs sincerely. “As if!” she says.

“Then I really don't get where you're coming from.”

“It's about Sarah,” Jenny says. “I need to make arrangements. Proper arrangements. And I want to ask you. And I don't know if I'm asking you alone, or you and Ricardo.”

I stare at her.

“You see now? It's complicated.”

I nod and exhale through my nose. “Sure,” I say, my tone already softening. “I'm sorry. I think it's just all this shit about Tom winding me up. Fuck. I can't believe that he's positive.”

“I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. But I was worried about you two.”

“No, you did good. As far as Sarah's concerned, I don't think you should be thinking about the worst case scenario though.”

“Don't,” Jenny says. “I know how I feel. I know what the chemo is doing to me. So please don't tell me what I need to think about.”

I nod. “I'm sorry. You're right.”

Jenny rolls her eyes. “It's … it's just that people keep telling me that I'll be fine. And it gets really irritating, because you can't go any further with that discussion.”

“Sure.”

“So what I'm asking is, and I know it's a huge ask … But if something happens to me, would you
… you and Ricardo, I suppose, well, think of …” She coughs.

“Of course we would.”

Jenny nods and works her mouth silently before saying, “I'm talking about actually
adopting Sarah
here.”

“I know.”

“And you
would
consider it?”

“Yes.”

Jenny covers her mouth with one hand and pinches her nose between her thumb and forefinger. Her eyes are glistening. “I've been so scared to ask,” she says. “You have no idea.”

“No, it's fine Jenny. Really.”

“And what about Ricardo then?” Jenny says. “Do you think that he could be convinced? I mean, if you're going to be together a long time it affects you both.”

I laugh lightly.

“What?” Jenny asks.

“It's just we discussed it already. Quite a lot actually.”

“You
did?”

“Yeah. And Ricardo always says the same thing.”

“Which is?”

“He always says ‘yes.' Like it's completely obvious.”

“Really?”

“Yep. It's taken
me
longer to get used to the idea in fact. But Ricardo always says,
doh. Of course
. Like it's the most natural thing in the world for him.”

Jenny nods but says nothing for almost a minute. She looks taut and shiny with the effort of withholding tears. She sits and stares into my eyes.

“Are you OK?” I ask.

“Yeah. So you'll think about it then?” she says.

“We have Jen,” I say. “And if the worst comes to the worst … if … you know … then of course. It's already decided.”

She stares at me in silence for a moment, nodding slowly. Her skin looks taut, her eyes watery. She slips a hand over her mouth and makes a puffing noise as her lungs spasm.

Then she clears her throat and says, “I thought you would, but I've been too scared to actually ask.”

I reach out and take her hand across the table. “There wouldn't be any other option really would there?”

“No,” she says. “That's why I was so scared.”

“But it won't happen Jenny. You're going to be fine.”

“Uhuh,” she says.

I squeeze her hand in mine and notice how boney it has become.

“They're going to kick me off the trial,” she says.

“You don't know that.”

She scrunches up her nose. “I think I do actually, but we'll see.”

“In the meantime, you honestly don't need to worry. Not about Sarah, anyway.”

“And you're sure Ricardo agrees?” she says.

At that moment, Ricardo and Sarah round the neighbour's shed and run towards us across the gravel. I slide the window back and they rush in and push the window closed again.

“God, I can feel the cold coming off you,” I say.

“Freezing Chupy,” Ricardo says, then, “Oh! You two very serious.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Hey, Jenny watch. And concentrate.”

In slow, clear French that I think Jenny will understand (but which Sarah won't) I say, “Ricardo. A serious question.”

“OK,” he says, doubtfully.

“If something happened to Jenny … how would you feel about us adopting Sarah?”

“Bien sûr, je te l'ai déjà dit mille fois,”
he says. – Of course. I already told you a thousand times.

At which Jenny makes a peculiar snorting noise and crumbles into a mess of tears.

Sarah looks up at Ricardo in horror and runs to her mother's side.

“Mummy's fine sweetie,” Jenny says, stroking her hair. “Mummy's just happy that's all.”

That evening, once Jenny has gone to bed, Ricardo moves from the dining table where he has been reading, and sits cross legged beside me on the sofa. “So Chupy,” he says. “So quiet this evening.”

I nod and turn to face him and sigh. I have been thinking obsessively about Tom's HIV infection and the infinitely small risk of transmission through oral sex. And even if those risks are, and I quote,
so low as to be “virtually theoretical”
– they are still too high. So I need to get tested again. And I need to warn Ricardo somehow.

“I love you so much,” I say, my voice cracking as a wave of love and regret wells up.

“Me too pumpkin,” he says.

“I've been thinking about Tom all afternoon.”

Ricardo pulls a face. “You love me but think about Tom,” he says. “I'm not sure …”

“Jenny told me something yesterday. Tom just found out he has HIV.”

“Tom?”

“Yes.”

“Jesus Mary.”

“I know.”

“He doesn't know about condoms or what?” Ricardo asks.

I shrug. “I know. It's stupid.”

Ricardo nods slowly. “Poor Chupy. Worried about his ex.”

“The thing is …” I say.

But Ricardo raises his hand to interrupt me. He looks soulfully into my eyes, then licks his lips, clears his throat and says, “I know babe.”

“You
know?”

“Sure. You worry that maybe he have it before, when you were together.”

I frown at him.

Ricardo shrugs. “It's OK babe. But we always use condoms. It's not so easy to catch, you know.”

“Right.”

“And you use condoms with Tom too, right?”

“Yes. But they say that, you know, oral sex …”

“No. The risk is infinite babe.”

I nod and smile weakly, almost unable to believe that Ricardo has just provided me with an acceptable narrative. “If I
did
have it, I'd hate to pass it on to you,” I say.

“Yes, so we both do new tests. It's best. But you know, I'm really not worried.”

“Right.”

“That Tom is a bit crazy, no?”

“Yes.”

“And a bit stupid.”

“Well, yes.”

“He is lucky they have better drugs now.”

“Well, yeah.”

“But it's still no fun. You have to be careful Chupy,” Ricardo says, sounding suddenly very serious.

“We always are, aren't we?”

“Yes, but I mean if you ever, you know … do something … outside of us. You would be safe, yes?”