Sliding (The Stone Series) (19 page)

We decide to start with “California King Bed”. There will be a king sized
bed in the far center of the stage angled up at the head so the audience can
see it perfectly. Lining the front of the stage will be six tables. When the
curtain rises the audience will see the bed with a man and a woman lying next
to each other in it. They will touch their body parts together to coincide with
the lyrics. As the tempo changes the man will jump out of bed as if leaving his
partner behind and the woman will curl into a ball accepting the pain it is
causing her to lose him. When the pain is too much to bear she stands on the
bed and uses it as a trampoline to launch her, flying to him in the air with
her arms stretched out to the sides until he catches her. She then clings to
his body as he is trying to walk away. He will put her down and they’ll mimic
the lyrics once again touching the named body parts on each other. The man then
grabs the bed sheets and uses them to wrap around the woman pulling her to him.
They end under the blanket together as the song changes to “Turning Tables”.

During this song the dancers will be paired up as couples behind the
tables, they will stand up and use their fist to pound the table. The bed
lowers into the ground with the man and women on it once again. The couples
lean back on the tables and look at the audience. The men roll so they are now
in front of the women and facing the audience, he pins her down on the table.
She pushes at him and a tug of war begins. The dancers use the whole stage for
leaps and turns until they are back at the tables where the women will go under
the table and the men will lay on them. They will reach out their hands to
touch palms and then the men will pull the women from under the table and swing
her onto the table with him. They will then hold hands and walk off the table
like it’s a cliff and they are free falling straight down. Now while looking at
the audience, with the table to their backs they will lean back on the table
again, get into a tug of war ending with the women being pinned under the men
again behind the table. As the fight grows more aggressive they flip the tables
off the stage and walk away from each other.

The stage is now empty for “Where is Your Heart?” with the exception of one
female and one male dancer who will be on one side of the stage to represent
Tate and I while on the other side to represent Tate and his father there will
be two men. This dance is not yet choreographed but my vision is for an
aggressive dance with the male dancers throwing each other around quite a bit
and the couple clearly anguished.

I am planning on dancing by myself to “I Won’t Give Up”. Tate used to
love when I would perform on stage. He said it never matter how many people
were in the audience, he always felt that I was dancing just for him. I won’t
choreograph this part of the performance. I’ll dance from my heart just for
Tate that night when I step out on the stage.

Heidi and I decide to end with an upbeat dance to “Try”. I know Tate will
understand that the story line depicts not only his rise but his relationship
with his father and his relationship with me. I also know that I am giving too
much credit to the media with the song selection. They are going to jump all
over it assuming that Tate and I are having problems, bigger problems then we
really are. What they won’t understand, what no one else knows except for Bobby
and I is the way it all started, the relationship Tate had with his father.
They will assume the songs are about him and me not his father but I don’t
care, Tate will know. He’s always understood my stories and my choreography;
this time will be no different and I think it may be what he needs to help him
forgive himself, forgive his father, and finally be able to move on.
 

Chapter 6: The Repairing

Tate and I continue with our therapy sessions once a week. During my
therapy sessions Bernie and I start to focus on my miscarriage but it ends up
being about my past issues around my weight. I finally own up to feeling
responsible for my miscarriage and projecting the blame onto Tate to ease it
off myself. I tell Bernie about my early years of undiagnosed bulimia and
anorexia and my issues with eating to this day. I tell her I feel that it’s my
fault I miscarried because I was hardly eating leading up to it, I was upset
about Tate’s drinking and drug use, I suspected him of having an affair and I
was heartbroken that he lost his father before they were able to repair their
relationship.
 

Bernie helps me to open up about my eating disorder and admit for the
first time that I’ve had one for years. We explore when it started and why I
continue to feel the pressure to remain so thin to this day. It began during
that summer of my first camp experience I had with Molly. When I got back home
I felt the pounds going right back on and I panicked and started eating just
enough to survive or I made myself throw up if I thought I had eaten too much,
it worked so I continued. The pressure I was under to be thin as a cheerleader
and as a dancer overwhelmed me, I wanted to always be at the top of my game
when I was younger than at the top of my field once I became a choreographer. I
felt pressure to be as light as possible so the other girls on my cheer team in
high school would be able to lift me like Adam and my subsequent male partners were
able to do. Bernie promises to help me understand that expecting girls to be
able to lift me the way a boy did was setting me up to fail from the start. She
wants us to work on my self esteem and investigate why and how I feel the way I
do about myself as a whole, not just my body.

Bernie and I spend the next few sessions on our discussion about my
weight and the reasons I feel I have to stay so thin. She suggests that we
explore this issue in our group sessions with Tate and Drew and even though I
am reluctant, I agree. I finally admit to Tate that I have spent years hiding
my eating disorder from him and everyone else around me because I was
embarrassed and I didn’t want anyone to make me stop. I told him why I was so
skinny when I arrived home from that first summer of camp but since then I have
lied to him about how I have managed to stay so thin and he’s gone along with
it, never questioning me. To this day I want to be skinny. I want to be able to
wear anything I want and know it looks good on me. Tate is silent at first and
I’m afraid of what he will say when he finally does speak.

“Brooklynn, I get it, I’m not saying it was right but I can understand it.
I remember how much I hated being smaller than all the older guys I played with
my first two years in high school. You remember how I used to drink those
horrible shakes and lift weights like a lunatic? You were the only reason I
didn’t start doing steroids when everyone else was. Why didn’t you let me help
you? I thought it was just a thing at camp that first year.”

“I don’t understand why even now, all I can say is it’s because I want to
be skinny. I don’t want you to watch everything I eat and make sure I gain weight.
I don’t want to gain weight” I admit.

“Is it to stay skinny for me? Do you think I won’t love you anymore if
you’re not a size zero? Do you think that little of me?” Tate asks.

When I hesitate with my answer Bernie encourages me to be honest
explaining that if I don’t tell Tate the truth we can’t move on from this place
we’re stuck in.

“First of all I am not a size zero anymore and it’s not about you really;
it’s my perception of how you see me. I know deep down that you love me for who
I am but who I am is this tiny ex-cheerleader, dancer who has always been
skinny, that’s the girl you fell in love with, married, not some fat girl. And
if anything it’s harder for me now. I have to watch myself everyday to eat just
enough but not too much and fight the urge to make myself sick if I do eat too
much. I haven’t made myself throw up in years Tate, I promise that part of it
is over but I will never accept getting fat. Look at you, you still have the
body you did in college. You still turn the heads of every woman even the
twenty year olds when you walk by. ”

Tate sighs and comes and kneels on the floor in front me, “Do you not see
how every guy checks you out too, Brook? They always have and right in front of
me. They turn to see your tight ass as you pass by them, they check out your
tits when they’re talking to you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanting
to rip the eyes out of some mother fucker over the years. How do you not know
how beautiful you are? I’ve always told you that you were pretty. Don’t you
believe me when I say it?” he asks as he places his head in my lap while he
starts to cry.

I pull his face up so he looks at me and ask him, “What?”

He takes a minute to compose himself and then asks, “Why now? Why is this
what we’re talking about now? I thought we’d be talking about my drinking, the
separation or the miscarriage so the only way I see this related to our issues
is the miscarriage. Were you not eating because you didn’t want to get fat and
you blame yourself as much as you blame me? How are we going to have a baby if
you can’t deal with gaining any weight?”

I continue my therapy sessions with
Drew. During our first session we focus on my childhood as an only child. I
always felt so much pressure to be everything to my parents, my dad made me
feel like I had to be perfect like him in order to obtain his approval and
love. He expected me to excel in sports and where I was very athletic and loved
to play I didn’t want to be forced to practice. I wanted to hang out with my
friends and play video games; I didn’t want to have my father over my shoulder
monitoring me at all times. I also didn’t want him interfering with my coaches
but there was no stopping him. He coached most of my teams and the ones he
didn’t coach he got involved with one way or another. I questioned how good I
really was, I always had to wonder if I was truly as good as the coaches said
and gave me play time for or was it because I was the son of a former UNC
basketball player and they gave me more credit than I deserved.
  

I tell Drew how I never understood
my parent’s relationship. I always suspected my dad of fooling around but she
never did a thing about it. He would stay at his office for nights on end
claiming to be working on a tough case. When he was home he was miserable or
drunk. He was controlling with both my mother and I but where I fought him on
everything my mother always gave in to him. I never wanted to be like him but
in the end that’s who I became, a controlling husband who refused to give his
wife the one thing she yearned for because I was too jealous.
  

During our first group sessions
Brook finally admits to an eating disorder. I feel like Brook has done this to
herself for me and it makes me sick to think that she feels like my mother did,
like she has to be perfect to keep the love of her husband. I’m disgusted in
myself that she thinks so little of me.

My next therapy session focuses on
my unresolved issues with my father. Drew and I talk about my relationship with
my father growing more and more hostile over the years. By high school he had
started physical altercations with me and by the time I was ready to leave for
college I had had enough and started fighting back.

I never wanted to upset my mother
so for years I just kind of took it but by senior year I was bigger and
stronger than him and fed up with taking his bullshit. I tell Drew about the
day when Brook was on her way over to pick me up for a party and my father and
I got into a fight. My mom tried to break us up; she was crying when Brook got
there and she was able to calm me down enough that I let my father go and left
with Brook. After that my father never picked another fight with me but it
destroyed our relationship. Our relationship was never the same and then
shortly after I left for college.

I tell Drew about my Nana and how
she left me her entire estate that amounted to well over ten million dollars.
My father was pissed off that it went to me and even more upset that I was
planning on using it to open my own music company. I was in college at the time
and I asked Bobby to be my partner on the music side and we planned to have
Brook head up the choreography and creative development side. We would become a
powerhouse in the industry, managing talent, creating their videos and concert
choreography. There would be nothing we couldn’t do as a team the three of us
and I’d have my best friend and my girlfriend by my side forever safe and
secure. When Brook and I graduate from college we plan to live in the apartment
my Nana left me in the city and that’s where we’ll start our company, Taylor
Studios INC.
   

On the night of the award dinner Tate still has no clue that I am
involved in it at all. He is the picture of pure calm as he gets ready for the
biggest honor of his career. He is wearing all black tonight, a black suit with
a black shirt that he is wearing without a tie and open at the top revealing
the beginning of his chest. He is going for the day old stubble look tonight
instead of the usual clean cut look that he usually has for these events. I am
dressed in a soft flowing light pink baby doll dress with flats. My hair is
styled in soft curls around my face and flowing down my back. I am wearing my
makeup natural tonight and I have a brushing of pink bubblegum lipstick on. I
look much younger than my forty years dressed like this but it’s the effect I
will need for my performance. The Botox treatment the other day has helped a
bit too. I’m glad Tate is so calm because I am not, this will be my first
public performance in years and I will be on stage with a group of eighteen to
twenty-two year olds. I hate that my business is for the young and pushes the rest
of us behind the scenes as soon as we see thirty on the horizon.

We get to the theater and I can see that Tate is overwhelmed by this
recognition. I think it hits him that this is such a huge honor when he sees
just how many people are there and the celebrity level they are. We mingle in
the lobby for awhile accepting well wishes from colleagues and friends. When
the lights begin to blink and Tate is asked to take his seat I make up an
excuse to use the bathroom. Thankfully Tate is distracted and doesn’t offer to
walk with me. Instead of heading to the bathroom I make my way back stage. I
watch as my dancers flawlessly perform my choreography and I see the
recognition of my work on my husband’s face.

When “I Won’t Give Up” begins I come on stage alone using my body to call
to Tate. When the audience realizes it’s me they all stand and clap. As they
sit down Tate walks up to the front of the stage. There are stars floating in the
air around the stage and I try to grab them as I do a leg extension. I stand
with my feet apart and pound my thighs; then I turn and begin a series of
leaps.

As the lyrics begin,
I back
up on the
stage, lock eyes with Tate and run flying off the stage knowing with full
confidence that I will land in Tate’s arms. Tate and I dance on the floor in front
of the stage with each other as if the world has disappeared even though the
audience is giving us a standing ovation.

Tate is crying into my hair as he says, “Thank you for being the love of
my life. Without you I would never have been who I am today.” Then he releases me,
lifts me back on stage where I’m met by my company as “Try” begins.

When the song ends I bow and kiss my hands sending my kisses to Tate
giving him my acknowledgement, calling him to the stage. As he begins to walk
onto the stage I leap into his arms again with my legs wrapped around his waist
and slowly slide down his body as the company leaves the stage. Tate kisses me passionately
for all to see in one of our true kisses that the press is rarely granted, I
try to leave the stage but Tate wraps his arm around my waist pulling me with
him to the podium.

Tate begins his speech. “I am so overwhelmed at this moment everything I
planned to say has slipped my mind. I want to thank everyone who came to honor
me this evening; it is truly an honor to share tonight with each and every one
of you. It is because of all of you that I am standing here this evening. I
have been honored to work with each and every one of you and I hope that I will
be able to continue to work with you in the future. I have to thank my mother
who is not here this evening. After my father’s passing two years ago she
decided to go on a world tour. I’m just hoping it’s not like the world tour
some of you have taken. Yes, I get calls when you destroy hotel rooms and blow
up cars” Tate jokes. Tate continues when the crowd settles back down. “My mom always
supported this dream. Even when other’s around me told me it was the dream of a
stupid kid who was throwing his life away, my mom never doubted me. And now for
my oldest and best friend and business partner. Come out here man. Bobby has
been by my side my whole life, without him I would not be the man I am today. Bobby
thanks man for all the crazy times during our younger years and I look forward
to working in this industry with you until we are so deaf we can’t even hear
the music anymore.” One of the artists heckles Tate saying, “That should be
next week old man” and Tate points at him and laughs. Bobby comes on stage and
hugs Tate with tears in his eyes then he kisses my cheek and leaves the stage
as Tate continues. “My wife” Tate chokes out “The most amazing woman in the
world and the most talented choreographer, Brooklynn Taylor. She and I have
been together for almost thirty years and I know it sounds like a cliché but in
this case it’s the truth, she is the love of my life, my soul mate. I’m sure
you have all read the story of our love affair, it’s a media favorite. We live together,
we work together and my favorite part, we play together.” The audience hoots
and hollers and Tate smacks my ass. “She is the one who deserves to be
recognized, the saying about there always being a great woman behind every
great man could not be truer when it comes to us. Brooklynn, I fell in love
with you when I was fourteen years old and not a day has gone by where my love
for you has not grown. You are truly my life.” Tate kisses me with one hand on
my waist and one in my hair. The audience stands and claps. Tate breaks our
kiss and finishes, “Thank you all again and I hope you all enjoy your evening.”