“Thanks.” I beam.
“When’s the wedding?”
“October, I think. We have to—”
“October, I should be back by then.”
Okay,
back?
Does he actually think he’s going to be invited to my wedding?
I really want to say, “You don’t know Jack.”
How I longed to tell Will McCraw, after he pretty much threw me away, that he was utterly clueless. About me. About life.
But now, strangely, I don’t feel as though I have anything to prove to him.
My work here is done.
“Well,” he says, “good luck with the planning and everything.”
“Thanks. Good luck to you, too.”
Doing gay musical theater in Transylvania.
For once, I think as I hang up the phone, both Will and I have simultaneously gotten exactly what we deserve.
I get to Sushi Lucy’s and hang around in the small mirrored vestibule, trying to diagnose the painful bump on my nose. Yup. It’s a newly erupting zit, all right. It’s been ages since I’ve had one, but I know they’re brought on by stress.
I bet I’ve escaped this problem until now because I could always rely on cigarettes to blow off steam. Now that I’m no longer smoking, all that tension is pent-up inside me, just waiting to erupt.
Is it any wonder that my reflection reveals a big, ugly red blemish, thanks to the living hell that is Abate’s Summer Barbecue campaign?
Mental note: stop for cigarettes—I mean, Clearasil—on way home later.
There’s some in the medicine cabinet at home, but I noticed when I was rummaging around in there the other day that it expired in ’03.
I know, you’re wondering why I don’t just toss it.
Because it’s Jack’s, that’s why. The last time I got rid of one of his decrepit belongings—a single stray gray-white nubby gym sock that had been kicking around various surfaces in the bedroom for ages—he was annoyed.
No, I don’t know why. But I decided on the spot that he would be responsible for disposing his own useless crap from there on in.
And I’ve noticed he never does, even when I call his attention to stuff like expired medication, single socks and aging takeout leftovers he never should have saved in the first place.
Magazines are the worst. Thanks to his media job on consumer electronics and men’s personal-care products, he gets comp subscriptions to just about everything but
Modern Bride.
There are towering stacks everywhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if, near the bottom, there are cover stories on the pope’s passing, the Red Sox World Series or Nick and Jessica’s divorce. Their wedding, too, probably.
Oh, well, that’s a fault I can live with, in the grand scheme of things. Nobody’s perfect.
Nor, to my dismay, is my complexion.
That’s a big fat ugly zit on my nose, all right.
But I’m not here at Sushi Lucy’s strictly for pimple verification. I’m actually waiting for my friend Buckley to meet me for lunch so I can finally share my big news. I wanted to do it yesterday, but it was such a zoo at the office that I couldn’t get away.
Today is a zoo, too. I shouldn’t be here, I should be working.
But I want to tell Buckley about my engagement in person before he hears it from someone else because…
Well, partly because I still haven’t been able to relish the pleasure of telling anyone in person. That will happen when we meet Jack’s mom and sisters for dinner tomorrow night, I’m sure, and when Raphael comes home from his honeymoon, and again when we fly up to Buffalo in a few weeks to tell my family—the soonest we could get an affordable flight.
But I’m dying to share my news in person right away with someone who will appreciate it. And I’m sure Buckley will, because he’s my friend….
Except…
Part of the reason I want to tell him in person is that maybe there’s a lingering teensy, tiny shred of something other than friendship in our relationship.
Did I mention that Buckley and I almost hooked up a few years ago? And that it overlapped with me and Jack, but not really with him and Sonja…?
Oh, right. I did mention it.
I guess I’ve just been thinking about that a lot lately for some reason.
Ever since I got engaged.
I wonder why.
Maybe because when you’re engaged, you realize that you will never ever kiss anyone else ever again. Not just kiss, but…fool around with.
I mean, you’ll fool around with your fiancé, of course—and you will go on fooling around with him after he becomes your husband…
(Unless you listen to Latisha, and I’ve chosen not to. The next time she starts in about the postmarital lack of sparks, I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears and sing “Love and Marriage” at the top of my lungs.)
Anyway, being an engaged woman, you can’t help but wonder about what you might be missing from here on in.
I
can’t help but wonder that, anyway.
But just about Buckley. No one else.
Probably because Buckley is the last person I kissed before Jack, and because it never went any further with him than that, physically. Emotionally, yes. He’s the only other guy I’ve ever felt really connected to, unless you count Will (which I don’t because that was all an illusion on my part—make that a delusion) or Raphael (which I don’t, because I guess I kind of think of him as a girlfriend).
So I guess I kind of think of Buckley as the One Who Slipped Away.
And something tells me he kind of thinks of me that way, too…even though he’s never said it. I mean, he and Sonja have been engaged since last fall.
I still remember exactly how and where he broke the news to me.
Not that it had to be
broken
, like bad news. Because it wasn’t. I mean, isn’t everyone happy to learn that a good friend is getting married?
It’s just that I was a little surprised, that’s all. Buckley and Sonja had already broken up because she had given him an ultimatum and he didn’t want to get married. Then he changed his mind.
And I guess I’ll always wonder whether…
Nah. Never mind. Forget I said anything about that, or about there being a lingering shred of anything other than friendship between us. Really, the only reason I’m so determined to tell Buckley my news in person is because he’ll be thrilled for me.
For us.
Maybe I should have included Jack today. But he was having lunch with a print rep anyway.
Then there’s Sonja, who is a production editor at some publishing house. She happens to work just a few blocks away and is usually free for lunch. Hmm, maybe I should have asked her to come, too.
Then again, if Buckley wanted her to be here, he’d have asked her himself, right? I mean, it’s not like he knows we’re having lunch together for a specific reason today. I just e-mailed him this morning to set it up. We do that all the time. Still…
Mental note: Set up celebratory dinner that includes both Jack and Sonja.
We were right here at Sushi Lucy’s when Buckley told me he’d realized that if he didn’t step up to the plate, he was going to lose Sonja. He said it in those words. Then he said he had gotten engaged to her the night before, in the middle of watching the World Series.
At the time, I’ll admit, I was a little taken aback. Maybe even a little upset. Not jealous, definitely. Just…I don’t know. Maybe wistful.
But that was ages ago, and I’m sure that it will be no big deal to tell him Jack and I are getting married in October. (Did I mention that I found out—still, without giving my name—that Shorewood is definitely available that third Saturday in October? No? Well, I haven’t mentioned it to Jack yet, either, but I plan to, so we can book it ASAP.)
The second I spot Buckley’s familiar long-legged stride heading toward the restaurant door, my stomach does an uneasy little somersault for no reason whatsoever.
After all, it’s just Buckley. Familiar, solid Buckley. He’s got on his worn brown leather jacket with a scarf tied around his neck and manages to look effortlessly fashionable, as usual.
Oh, and it really
is
effortless. That’s one of the things I liked about him when I met him. He’s just a regular, casual, good-looking guy. He—like Jack—doesn’t have a metro-sexual bone in his body.
Unlike
Will.
I met Buckley right around the time that Will was leaving me for summer stock, never to return…to me, anyway. Will came back to New York with Esme, his new girlfriend, in tow, after I spent the summer reinventing myself so that he would find me more desirable. Yes, I know that sounds pathetic.
And it was.
But who, at one point or another, hasn’t had her pathetic moments where some guy is concerned?
In the end, my reinvention was also a reawakening. Or maybe just a long-overdue awakening. For the first time, I was able to see who I am and to see Will for who he really is. More importantly, for who he isn’t.
But it took awhile for that to happen. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in him when I met Buckley, who knows what might have happened between us? By the time I came to my senses, Buckley was involved with Sonja. When they broke up, I was involved with Jack.
So pretty much, Buckley and I have never been simultaneously romantically available.
But I’ve got this terminal case of wondering what if.
What if I’d met Buckley after I fell out of infatuation with Will?
What if I’d been on time meeting him the night he met Sonja, who started chatting with him in some bar while he was waiting for me?
What if, when I found myself in Buckley’s arms the December after Will dumped me—and right after I met Jack—I hadn’t decided that I was kissing Buckley by default, and we were meant to be platonic?
Who knows what might have happened?
We probably would have hooked up, the relationship would have run its course because it wasn’t meant to be, and we would have gone our separate ways.
Or maybe we would have hooked up and stayed together. Who knows?
I don’t like to think about it, and I usually don’t let myself.
So why now?
Mental note: JACK. Remember Jack? Do not forget about Jack. Your fiancé.
I take a fortifying look at my engagement ring, then find myself swept into Buckley’s familiar, platonic embrace. His face is cold against mine.
“Hey!” he says, smelling like cold air and Big Red. “Sorry I’m late. You could have sat down.”
“I didn’t want to sit alone. You know I hate that.”
“I know you do.”
Jack knows, too, that I’m self-conscious about being alone in a restaurant even if someone is meeting me. It’s one of my little quirks.
Jack knows pretty much everything there is to know about me, just as Buckley does. And I know pretty much everything there is to know about Buckley, too.
Except, of course, for the intimate stuff.
Of course.
Anyway…
We sit down and tell the waiter we’re going to order right away. I have to because I’ve got to get back to work. Adrian has been treating me differently ever since he caught me showing off my new engagement ring to Brenda and Carol the other day. I can’t help but sense an undercurrent of disdain whenever I have contact with him.
And I’ve had a lot of it because we’re working on the new presentation.
“Hungry?” Buckley asks as we open our menus.
“Starved.”
“Me, too. Want to share an app?”
We do that a lot, me and Buckley—especially when we go out for Japanese. We’ll order a maki appetizer to split, and eat it with chopsticks off a platter between us.
We’ve done that dozens of times.
But suddenly, there’s something unnervingly intimate about the idea of it.
“No, thanks,” I say quickly. “I’m not
that
hungry.”
“You just said you were starved.”
“Did I? I meant for soup. What I really want is soup. And sashimi. No appetizer.”
I shift my weight and find myself involuntarily playing footsie with Buckley under the table.
“Sorry,” I say.
“It’s okay. I don’t need an appetizer, either, I guess.”
I open my mouth to tell him I meant that I was sorry about my foot rubbing against his shin, but that seems awkward, so I close my mouth again and pretend to study the menu, but of course I’ve already told him what I’m ordering: soup and sashimi.
Sneaking a peak around the room, I’ve noticed that they’ve reconfigured the dining room since we were last here, to get more tables in. So that’s it. We’re at a newly installed table for two by the window. It’s close quarters, which is why my stocking-clad legs keep bumping up against Buckley’s jean-clad knees no matter how I position myself.
“Oops, sorry,” I say again as I try to change position only to find myself all but intertwined with him under the table.
“It’s okay,” he murmurs, focused on the menu, which is good.
That way, he can’t see the alpine zit on my nose.
Or how rattled I am, for no good reason.
Normally, this physical contact with Buckley wouldn’t faze me…much less make me acutely aware of how good-looking he is.
“Hey,” I say a little loudly, because Buckley flinches a little and looks up. “How was your weekend at the bed-and-breakfast in the Hamptons?”
“Oh…we didn’t stay the whole weekend.”
“Why not?”
“Sonja didn’t really like it so we left Sunday morning.”
A bed-and-breakfast in the Hamptons…what’s not to like?
If you ask me, she’s unnecessarily picky.
But Buckley didn’t ask me, and the waiter is back with tea, so I keep my opinion of Sonja to myself.
“How’s work going now that you’re the big cheese?” Buckley asks me after the waiter leaves us alone to sip from steaming, handleless teacups.
“Work? Oh, God, it’s crazy, actually. But—”
“Don’t tell me the promotion is turning out to be one of those
be careful what you wish for
things?” he cuts in.
No
, I find myself thinking,
but
this
might be
.
And, dammit, yes, I’m looking right at my engagement ring when I think it.
Why would I think such a thing, even in passing?
What the hell is wrong with me?