Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (20 page)

For me personally, there has never been any resistance, conflict, or difficulty, and perhaps that is so because I have had absolutely no goal or objective all along. I have not tried to get anywhere or achieve anything. My intention at the outset and in my early thirties was to change the way I made love. As simple as that. No big theories. And not because I was dissatisfied or bored, not in the slightest. Just inquisitive. Actually at that time, in the situation in which I was living, there was an abundance of possible sex partners and many flavors to enjoy. I began out of sheer curiosity to know more about my body. I connected with one man in particular and we started from zero, from where we were, and that is pretty much the same place for each one of us—conditioned to have fast sex with orgasm as a focus.

My exploration brought me many understandings and insights. It’s not that I knew all I know and understand today at the outset. Not at all. I was totally innocent in that sense. Clarity arises, insights descend, sensitivity increases, heart expands, body balances—all as by-products of practice, not as prerequisites to it. That is why I insist that slow sex is not a technique, it is not something you do and follow like a recipe, instead it evolves steadily.

Slow sex is something you enter and become, an ambience that you create through your bodily relaxation, awareness, and presence, and you change as a result. Profound personal transformation is possible simply by changing the way you have sex, shifting from being unconscious to conscious.

Sex lies at the foundation of our system, the lowest major energy center. Any shifts and changes in the base will definitely ripple throughout and have an impact on the higher energy centers that lie above.

To encourage couples I sometimes tell them the truth about myself, that I am basically a very lazy person. And the only, and I mean only, reason that I am in a position to sit in front of them and share my experience with them is because everything happened lying down. I was comfortably horizontal in bed, so for me it was pure heaven. If it had been necessary to do the whole exploration in a standing posture, then I can say with certainty that I would not be in a position to say anything about sex today.

Remaining Present in the Sexual Encounter

To be in the present means to include any aspect of the metabolic enhancers as outlined in the previous chapters, such as awareness, rhythm, and relaxation—there are many subtle ways for you to remain present. For example, using awareness you can travel internally to different parts of the body—man might want to travel to his positive pole in the perineum, woman to her nipples. You can also experiment with relaxing other parts of the body—man, the anus and buttocks; woman, the vagina, and anywhere else too. Stay here and now with the unfolding moment, alert in your senses, aware in your body, playful and curious.

• Relax your body consciously again and again, scanning from head to toe, looking for tense places, relaxing and letting go. Release the unconscious holding in the shoulders, the jaw, the solar plexus, the belly, and the muscles around the genitals. Each time you intentionally relax your body you may notice that a spontaneous deep breath follows, along with a wave of subtle sensation moving through your cells.
  
• Engage each other’s eyes as much as possible, with inviting vision, so most of your awareness remains rooted within your own body. Close your eyes when you feel the need to sink deeper into yourself. Speak about your wishes to your partner. This avoids giving them the impression that you are escaping the situation or somehow abandoning them. Sharing helps you to avoid possible misunderstandings.
  
• Keep your attention on your breathing. Breathe deeply and slowly. Breathe into the diaphragm and belly, imagine your breath touching the genitals. Breathing is a simple bridge that can lead you from thinking to a greater immersion in the body. Breathe in and out together, or one person breathes in as the other breathes out. These breathing patterns will often establish themselves on their own, but it’s good to explore the effects of doing them deliberately.
  
• Kissing, caressing, and touching all keep us present in our bodies and senses. Touch consciously and without any demand, just a loving, generous touch.
  
• Smile a little, keep your lip corners up, and observe what doing that does to your facial feeling and present moment.
  

Notice how these small offerings, as acts of awareness, can weave together to become a significant contribution to the intricate tapestry.

Share the Experience of Your Now

The present moment can be greatly magnified by sharing what you are experiencing within yourself, how you feel on a heart level, and any subtle sensations and sensitivities you might be experiencing on a body level. Letting your partner know what you are feeling and where you are feeling it opens a window into your inner realms. Sharing literally brings you into a shared world, which is very helpful at the outset as you establish an unfamiliar style of sex. It’s good to know what’s going on inside each other. Otherwise you are both left guessing, which may give rise to doubts and tension, and these would not help or support your exploration.

On the other hand, just a few words reporting what you feel can be tremendously relaxing for you and your partner. Share small observations in a few words: “I feel a tingling” (or warmth, light, or whatever it is you happen to feel). Inner sensations are continually changing, shifting, moving, flowing, streaming, so there is usually something small to observe and share. No big discussion and your partner does not need to respond in any way, other than to also say what he or she is feeling at the time.

Extraordinarily, when inner cellular sensations are acknowledged, they amplify. Just by bringing attention to good feelings or good places in the body they will immediately respond by expanding.

When you tell someone about your inner experience, you are simultaneously communicating this to your body, your higher self, and especially to your brain, and this is very powerful. Speaking out reeducates you making you more conscious, more here, and more alert.

Give Space to Feelings that Arise

There is much pain and sadness associated with sex, either from personal experiences in the past or from collective pain due to the misunderstanding, abuse, and repression that has happened through conventional sex. Every individual has felt the impact of these pressures and tensions to a greater or lesser degree, whether we know it or not. It’s in the atmosphere, and from our very earliest months of life we are affected by what we feel, sense, see, hear, touch, and imagine. We are shaped by invisible forces; there is no choice, it’s a conditioning that grows in us unconsciously. It’s a twist on the sexual picture that causes us to lose touch with our sexual innocence, our conscious nature, our restful beings, our loving hearts. Therefore, when consciousness enters the sexual frame, it is a deeply healing force that will begin to move unhappiness out of the system, so it is quite usual for tears to flow. It’s a really positive response and highly beneficial to let tears move through you and out of you. In this sense, be open to yourself and yield to your tears, pain, or whatever comes up for you.

If you feel or sense nothing in particular in your genitals, and this is very common at the outset, say so. And also share how it feels not to feel. Admitting to this is taking a big step toward regaining your lost sensitivity. If suddenly tears begin to flow, let them flow; they will refresh your heart. Afterward, you will most probably observe an increase in sensitivity and an aliveness in your cells, especially in the penis or vagina.

When you observe the sensations of a rising feeling—and are able to catch it in the split second it arises—stay with the sensation and open a passage for it. Surrender to it and give way to the flow. Don’t hold back or repress for an instant. When you stay faithful to a rising feeling you will often notice that it lasts only seven seconds or so. It passes through you like a wave, and afterward you feel more alive and open.

When buried things are on the move it’s usually impossible to communicate to your partner what is happening without stopping the feelings or distancing you from them. At the same time, sometimes saying a word or two, admitting to yourself and thereby your partner, can initiate a healthy torrent of feelings, and it’s cleansing to let whatever comes up emerge. Otherwise these feelings remain in the body and are stored as emotions, which generally numb and desensitize the system and also revisit us in destructive and habitual ways (see later section: “Separating Love from Emotion”).

Giving free yet conscious rein to your withheld or repressed feelings is profoundly healing and refreshing, both physically and spiritually.

You may also experience unstoppable laughter from time to time, or uncontrollable shaking and shivering, or sadness and tears may reach deeper into heart-wrenching sobbing and wailing. You do not have to understand why you are weeping and wailing or whatever, just live it. Insights as to why may come, or they may not. But don’t waste or miss healing opportunities by trying to analyze and figure out why this is happening to you. It is happening, so welcome it; don’t try to control it through analysis.

Anger can also come up during sex, in both men and women.

Anger has certain golden rules attached to it and these rules
must be obeyed at all costs.

Do not project your anger onto your partner. Immediately turn to the side and away from your partner before you let the wave of rage or frustration pass through, perhaps in one grand roar. Or leap out of bed and begin jumping up and down on flat feet, heels hitting the floor first. Keep the arms raised and shout out “Ho!” each time you land on your heels. Do this for several minutes until the wave of anger has passed. The source of all anger lies in accumulated sexual frustration, and most humans are frustrated sexually in the sense that we have not experienced ourselves as a unit of dynamic/receptive forces with an inherent circular movement between man and woman, fulfilling a divine cycle of giving and receiving. So it is very common to feel anger, even rage, arise during sex; take it as an encouraging sign that anger has risen as a way to purify the cells.

Changing and Holding Positions with Awareness

There are no special positions other than the ones that work for you and your partner. It is awareness that makes a position valid and valuable, and not the position per sex. It’s good to change positions. Once you have achieved genital union you can change position at any time to refresh yourself and become more alert to the situation. Positions and their significance were discussed in chapter 4, where figures 4.5 and 4.6 illustrate the two sequences of rotating positions that allow movement while the penis remains within the vagina (or if not, slip it back in). Or there are some positions that can be held for a longer time without much movement. The side-scissors position is particularly good for sustained penetration with or without erection. (See figs. 10.6 and 10.7, which illustrate some props that can make the position even more comfortable.)

Yab yum (fig. 10.5) is a really wonderful position because there is a greater correspondence of the inner magnets within the bodies. The hearts meet through the chest and the breasts, and below there can be an almost magnetic lock of the organs, which then enables energy to ascend, circulate between the bodies, and expand beyond them. Yab yum can be sustained over a long period of time using different approaches to the breath, as suggested earlier. For instance, you can experiment with man breathing out of the penis and in through the heart, and woman breathing out through the breasts and in through the vagina.