Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (4 page)

The Containment of Semen Empowers Man

One tablespoon of semen is incredibly powerful stuff, almost atomic in its potency. In addition to sperm cells, seminal fluid contains an immense amount of protein, vitamins, minerals, and amino acids, as well as vital energies. Semen contained within the male body represents tremendous individual potential and creative power. It should really be viewed as a type of liquid gold, and not taken so lightly. Dispersed semen represents a loss of personal energy resources, particularly when a man’s climax involves the buildup of much tension and stress that leave behind traces in the body, brain chemistry, and psyche. The vast majority of men will admit that after an orgasm they feel depleted, low in energy, disconnected, or withdrawn. Containment of semen will empower a man because the vital substances nourish his intelligence and creativity; he becomes more centered and master of himself.

Relaxation happens easily when we change the idea that orgasm has to happen as a necessary part of sex. When we take away the goal or intention of orgasm, there is no need for a push toward the finish line. With nowhere to go there is no hurry, so everything can unfold in a unique organic way. There is no need to force the body along a certain direction because the body’s innate intelligence has other plans in store for us.

DEEP SLOW BREATHING INVITES RELAXATION

Relaxation is supported through deep slow breathing, because breath brings an infusion of vitality to the system. Deep slow breathing causes an increase in the release of endorphins—neurochemicals produced by the body that act like opiates—into the system, which helps to produce relaxation and a sense of well-being. When we neglect to pay attention to our breath, it often remains only in the chest and shoulders. It’s beneficial to invite the breath downward through the diaphragm and into the belly, allowing the belly to rise and fall with the in-breaths and out-breaths. And if you wish you can imagine, or with practice perhaps even feel, that the breath is able to internally caress the genital area.

Conscious breathing in the direction of the genitals during sex increases the oxygen intake and enhances the whole metabolism, providing you with sexual vitality and aliveness. Throughout lovemaking, simply paying acute attention to the process of the in-breaths and the out-breaths can shift you to another realm of experience. Normally breathing is involuntary and happens whether we’re thinking about it or not, which makes it extremely easy to slip out of conscious connection with the breath. It is a function of the autonomic nervous system, meaning that its function is independent of the conscious mind. We are not able to consciously affect most processes of our autonomic nervous system, but we can take an active part in our breathing process. The extent to which you relax and deepen the breath as you make love will definitely pay off with the rewards of greater presence, enhanced cellular sensitivity, and inner expansion.

Some people like to make a little ritual of taking several deep slow breaths before actually doing anything. For instance, before you start the ignition of your car, stop, take a couple of breaths as you relax your shoulders. Or, when practicing slow sex, take a couple of conscious breaths and become centered in your body for a few moments before you hug your partner. And again, take several breaths before you bring your lips together in a sealed kiss, repeatedly using breath to relax and prepare you for any meeting and exchange. The same thing can be done when a man poises with his penis at the entrance to the vagina, immediately prior to actual penetration. And then once inside, stopping frequently for a couple of deep breaths along the way. The penis can travel breath by breath and fraction by fraction into the vagina, and this journey into woman’s body can last for many pleasurable minutes. Once fully inside, a man can remain within the depths, alert and breathing consciously for an extended period of time.

When you touch your partner’s body, hold your hands still and give your partner your full inner attention as you take a few breaths into your belly or genitals. Or breathe deeply and consciously as you slowly caress your partner’s body with a feather-light touch. Avoid any kind of stimulation that will trigger the desire for orgasm, which can easily leave us a bit breathless. Or at least take a few breathing breaks between bouts of excitement. A little excitement, then relax and breathe; then a little more excitement, and again relax. Whenever you find yourself focusing on the next penetration and eventual orgasm, if you stop all movement and be still for a while, taking a few deep breaths, it will help you to cool down and relax into the here and now.

LINING UP THE BONES

I have found that the depth of relaxation depends substantially on the physical body position; literally, how the bones line up as a skeleton. Relaxation requires a certain physical poise, which means physical alignment, and alignment brings presence to a body and grace to movement. A certain tension level is required to hold most upright sitting positions, and tension is part of our physical integrity, but any extra or habitual tension can be consciously released. The body will usually respond to this conscious letting go and relaxation of tensions with a spontaneous deep breath in gratitude.

CREATE TIME FOR SEX

It is much easier to be relaxed about sex when you grant yourself adequate space and time for the sexual exchange. To support relaxation you can actually make an appointment with your partner for sex, in the same way that you make time for meals, work, the gym, friends, and children. Set aside enough time and space to allow yourselves to warm up and physically attune to each other. Decide together on the time and place for the experience.

Exercises: Daily Observation and Conscious Relaxation Practices

Scanning from Head to Toe for Tension

You can do this simple practice at any time of the day and in almost any place. The body gets tense and a bit contracted without our realizing it, and this type of tension has a compressing effect on your body energy during daily life, which also carries over into sex. The body carries many subtle and not-so-subtle tensions. As you make love (or sit, walk, drive, and so on), repeatedly scan your body from head to toe, or toe to head, and deliberately and consciously relax any areas of tension that you encounter. The following are some classic places where we hold tension without realizing it:

• Around the mouth
  
• In the joints of the jaw (the temporomandibular joint, or TMJ)
  
• In the neck and shoulders
  
• In the solar plexus (the soft spot below the upside-down V formed by the rib cage)
  
• In the belly
  
• In the feet
  

Relaxing the Pelvic Floor

Another central and significant place to consciously relax is the pelvic floor, which means the web of muscles and tissues that surround the anus and genitals. Invariably this muscular floor will be slightly contracted and pulled upward, without our being aware of this tension. Let go of any tightness you discover there, and do so a hundred times during the day or whenever you happen to remember. Intentionally relaxing and releasing any subtle holding and tension in the muscles will allow the pelvic floor to widen and drop slightly.

• For a woman, relaxing the pelvic floor means taking the attention to the vagina and relaxing any tightness or holding discovered there.
  
• For a man it means consciously relaxing and letting go of the anus and the muscles of the buttocks.
  

To feel the difference between tension and then relaxation, you can first exaggerate the tension, and then release it. Tighten genitals and anus, pulling upward and inward, hold for a few seconds, and then release slowly.

Make Conscious Relaxation an Everyday Practice

Invariably, as soon as our attention has moved away from the part we have consciously relaxed, the tension gradually begins to return and assert itself. So scanning the body from head to toe and relaxing tensions can be done intermittently. We will probably never completely rid ourselves of these subtle tensions, and that is really not the aim or goal. The aim is to remember that you are first and foremost a body—and to notice when and where you are tense, and then to intentionally relax these tense parts. Let go, take a deep breath, and feel your body. This little process is something to be done billions of times, not just once or twice. Relaxation of different body parts creates inner space and expansion and is usually followed by a wave of sensitivity on a delicate cellular level.

There are myriad small, insignificant daily actions in which we can practice conscious relaxation: brushing our teeth, washing dishes, preparing food, driving, opening and closing doors, sitting at the computer, and standing in line at the bank or checkout, to name but a few. Paying attention to your level of relaxation during the day will support your experience in bed, and vice versa.

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THE SEXUAL POWER OF AWARENESS

I
f you have tried scanning your body and relaxing any tense areas that you notice, that in itself was an act of awareness. So if you are not sure what awareness means, and you managed to relax your jaw, shoulders, and belly, you are already using that particular witnessing power or aptitude. Awareness is not far away from us, and indeed, we would not be able to survive without a certain level of awareness. At the same time, we know remarkably little about the power of awareness and how it can change our every moment.

AWARENESS IS THE MISSING LINK

For human beings, awareness during sex is the missing link to expressing and living our higher sexual potential. This uniquely human capacity to observe ourselves as if from a distance has a tremendously powerful impact on metabolism and sexual responsiveness. Awareness acts as a highly potent aphrodisiac. Through awareness we awaken to the body on an inner level and tune in to our intrinsic, God-given sexual vitality. Awareness is the capacity to observe and witness oneself—as a body and as a mind filled with the thoughts that distance us from the body—in any given moment of any given day, including, of course, while we are having sex. As Marc David notes:

One of the most unusual scientific revelations of the last century is the mathematical proof that the act of observing any phenomenon in the universe—be it the flight of a bird or the rotation of a planet—has a direct influence upon that phenomenon. According to the laws of physics, we have no choice but to alter the bird’s course or the planet’s speed simply by focusing our awareness on it. So if we have the power to tweak the orbit of a heavenly body, it should come as no surprise that vitamin A—awareness—also has a profound impact on the human body. (
The Slow Down Diet
)

Awareness is the driving force behind slow sex. As we become intensely aware of each and every breath, touch, movement, or shift of the body, the sexual experience unfolds and flows easily and effortlessly moment by moment. And if we so wish, the exchange can continue for hours on end according to, and being guided by, what wants to happen between the bodies themselves. For extended lovemaking there needs to be no agenda, no goal, just an appreciation of the here-and-now experience. So to some extent you are faced with dropping the ego and the sexual personality with its demands, likes and dislikes, habits and addictions. Slowness is basic to a shift in sexual experience—slowing down in all you do, giving yourself the space to tune in to yourself. Be slow in your approach to the other person as well, and above all be slow, easy, and relaxed as you join your bodies and become one.