Slut (5 page)

CHAPTER FIVE

“What a fucking fuck bag,” Rosa snarled.

“So, no orgy?” Gavin grinned, eyes alight.

Rosa smacked the back of his head.

“Hey, what the hell?” He made a show of rubbing the spot, as if it had actually hurt. “Just trying to keep it light.”

“You’re just trying to get your dick wet,” Rosa countered.

“And what exactly is wrong with that?” Gavin eyed her for a long moment before turning to me. “Look, I don’t know what was up with you two, but I’m still game.”

The look on Rosa’s face made her disgust a thing of weight that sucked down all the air in the room. “Of course you are. You know what? Fuck you too, Gavin. Just… fuck you.” Rosa repeated what I’d told Thornton and headed for the door.

“Rosa! Rosa, wait!” I yelled and ran after her, grabbing her shoulder.

She turned to face me, shaking her head.

“I’ll go.” I searched her eyes, looking for the right answer. I could leave them alone, they could talk, fix this between them.

Rosa shook her head. “No. Stick to the plan.”

“The plan—”

She cut me off. “The plan is god.” Rosa spun on her heel and left, the door behind her crashing closed.

I slumped down against the door. “This is the shittiest night ever to shit.”

Gavin handed me a drink and sat down beside me. “Want to talk about it?”

“What, no wanna pet my trouser snake?” I cocked my head to the side.

“That’s always available, but no. I’m not a total dick.”

“Just a partial dick.” I teased him. It was easier than talking about my feelings. Or lack of them. Or not wanting them, or—the mess that was in my head.

“Yeah. I can live with that.” He nodded. “Come on—” he nudged my shoulder “—you’ll feel better.”

“Sharing my utter humiliation and soft squishy insides with someone else?” Why did that not sound like the time of life? Oh, right. Because I’d already learned the hard way it wasn’t. “Not likely.”

He put his arm around me. “Fine. Then I’ll spill my soft, squishy insides. What the hell?”

I giggled and leaned against his shoulder. He smelled good. Expensive cologne and just an all-around clean, fresh scent. I liked that.

“Great, you’re laughing at my pain.”

“See? I told you it doesn’t help.” I found myself smiling.

“I’m being serious here.”

“Me too.” I took a big gulp of my whiskey.

He looked down at me, and I turned my face up to meet his gaze. For a moment, there was a polarity. He could kiss me now, that unseen thread that would draw us together. We could find what we needed in each other for that moment in time.

“You’re looking at me like I’m prey,” he said. “But you’re not like the other predators. Instead of your eyes tracking me, they’re wide. Guileless. But I think we both know that’s not the case.”

This comforted me. This did for me what talking about all that junk under my skin couldn’t. He saw me. Really saw me. “Could be.”

“What am I supposed to do here?”

“What do you want to do here?” I tossed back, the response canned and practiced, but no less real.

“That’s the question, isn’t it? You’re Rosa’s friend.”

So he did like her. “Yeah, I’m her friend.”

“You’re not making this easy.”

“Why would you expect me to?” I didn’t move from my spot on his shoulder. She’d asked me to test him, so I was going to test him. And not just because I wanted to get Edgeleaf out of my head.

“Because you care about her.”

“I do. But that doesn’t change this. Remember everything I said about feelings? You could fuck me right here against the wall, and I bet it would be one hell of a ride. But that’s all it would be.”

“Did you know that you swear a lot more when you’re trying to distance yourself from feeling something?” He asked as he leaned down even closer.

If Thornton had asked me that, I’d have been immediately defensive, but coming from Gavin, it didn’t even faze me. “Do I? How would you know that?”

“I’m an account manager at Bosch. My degrees are in sales and accounting. Part of the sell is knowing people. Facial expressions, body language. It’s a handy weapon.”

“So if you can read me, why can’t you read Rosa,” I said, my mouth so close to his it was practically a kiss.

“I can. I think she’s testing me.”

I schooled myself to show no reaction. “And if she is, you’re failing.”

“Am I?” He turned now, his hand in my hair. “If you feel the need to test someone, they’ve already failed.”

I supposed that was true. I also supposed that I was at a turning point. I could change things for myself right now if I stood up and walked away. But I didn’t want to. Where would I walk to? There was nowhere on the boat to hide from myself.

Gavin would feel so good.

He saw me—really saw me—and wanted me anyway.

“So are you the hunter or are you the prey,” he asked me.

“I am always the hunter.” Except, I knew that was a lie as soon as I said it.

“Are you, then? And did Rosa set you on my scent?”

“As if I would tell you. She’s my friend. I’m not spilling any of her secrets.” I brushed my lips against his, feeling a familiar thrum of excitement in my belly. “You have to do this based on only what you know to be true. The same as me.”

“Interesting that you didn’t call me on my earlier statement.”

“Which one is that?”

It was his turn to play at kissing me, his lips barely touching mine. “I told you I was always available.”

“Just like me,” I acknowledged.

“Are you going to tell her?”

“If she asks.”

He pulled back and leaned his head against the wall. “Damn it.”

As soon as he turned to look at me again, I could see it written all over his face. He wanted me, but not if Rosa would know. I inhaled a deep, steadying breath.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” He scrubbed his hand over his face. “She spends the night with me—best night of my damn life, and then she leaves and acts like nothing ever happened.”

“And how did you act, Gavin? Did you tell her it was the best damn night of your life?”

He looked at me like half my face had fallen off. “No. That’s stupid. Would you?”

“Of course not. But that’s why I’m here with you instead of—instead of elsewhere. I’d never admit that. We’re two of a kind, kid.” I winked at him.

“We’re the only people with sense.”

“Maybe not. Somebody has to be the one to take a chance.” I said, once again thinking of Thornton.

“I’m not afraid to take a chance. I didn’t show her all my cards, but I told her I was holding them, you know?”

“No, I don’t know. Rosa is pretty straight forward.”

“Yeah, she is. That’s why when she didn’t give me her number after the last two times we hooked up, I figured she didn’t want to pursue it.”

Oh. That made sense. “Then why don’t you want her to know if you slept with someone else?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “Fuck it. Fuck this.”

Gavin kissed me again, hard. I knew exactly what he was doing, he was trying to lose himself in me so that he didn’t have to feel this with Rosa. I was going to let him. I knew he was using me, but it really wasn’t so sordid. We both knew what we were getting into.

I kissed him back, really kissed him back. Not just a brushing of lips, or a tease. A real kiss, surrendered to the sensation.

It felt good aside from making me feel beautiful, wanted,
worthy
. It sparked a desire low, and deep.

I could let myself have this, I could even enjoy it. There were no dangers here, no dragons. Only trouser snakes.

I giggled.

“What’s so funny?” He grinned against my lips.

Nothing better than a man who can laugh during sex. Not that we were there yet, but we were well on our way. “I was just thinking about dragons.” I licked my lips. “And trouser snakes.”

“Oh yeah?” He pushed me down on the carpet. “What about trouser snakes?”

I pushed my hands up under his shirt. “Just that I think I’ll like this one.”

He kissed me again, kissed me until I was dizzy—until I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, until the only sensation that filled my mind, was the hot need between my thighs.

I wanted this with him. Pleasure, for the sake of pleasure.

And just like always, even though he brought me off with his fingers, it was good until he pushed inside me. Then, it was nothing.

That didn’t matter though, what mattered was that I’d gotten what I wanted from him. I felt pretty, I felt wanted. I clung to him, his body taut and hard, while he drilled into me.

Every thrust made me feel something more, something deeper, something I couldn’t seem to give myself.

When he’d finished, he rolled off of me, peeled off the condom and tossed it in the trash. We lay there in silence for several long moments, but it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable.

I didn’t feel like I needed to hide from him. Gavin wasn’t out to peel away my layers and poke at what was beneath with something sharp. I liked that about him. I had the feeling we could be friends.

When I started to pull on my clothes, he grabbed my hand. “Just a little longer. The world’s out there, you know.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that as soon as you open that door, everything that you’re trying to hide from is going to come rushing back in your face.”

Okay, so maybe we couldn’t be friends. “Who said I’m hiding from anything?”

“Come on, Bex. I think we understand each other better than that. I’m hiding too.”

I swallowed hard and sank back down against him. “So what are you hiding from?”

“Rosa.”

“Um, she knows where you are. That’s not really hiding.” His fingers carded through my hair in a lazy, repetitive motion that almost made me sleepy. But I wasn’t the girl who fell asleep after sex and lingered in anyone’s arms.

Although, maybe he was right. Maybe I was hiding and I was giving up my hiding spot much too soon. I always fled after these encounters, made myself small, invisible. The whole experience I’d been seeking to counteract, I inflicted on myself. It was a vicious, nasty cycle.

He was so warm, and mostly safe. So I let myself stay there in his arms. I guess it was fucked up, but I liked that he wasn’t mine and didn’t want to be. I liked that we filled a need for each other.

And I liked that my heart wasn’t in any danger.

I didn’t want to think about what it meant when I saw Rosa again. I’d done as she asked, but deep down, I knew what she wanted was for him to tell me no. For him to chase her out of the room, run her down like the prey, and slam her against the wall and confess some undying feeling that was likened to the burning out of stars or something. I knew she wanted that and I knew Gavin wasn’t really capable of it.

I also knew that she’d never really be my friend after this. She’d always remember that I fucked the guy she wanted. Even though she asked me to, she wouldn’t want the reminder shoved in her face.

That stupid voice in my head told me that was another reason I’d done it. To put some distance between us. If men were cruel creatures, women were worse.

Not that I thought Rosa was a bad person, she was a probably a better friend to me than I deserved, but I just couldn’t take that chance.

One might’ve thought I’d have made friends at fat camp, but that wasn’t the case. We were all ashamed to be there. We didn’t want to make any lasting friendships because the story would invariably come up: how did you two meet? When you did you become friends? What do you have in common?

That we were fat kids whose parents were ashamed of us and we’d rather have relationships with food than other people because at least food made us feel good. Yeah, that was an explanation everyone wanted to share.

We did our time with our heads down, much like what I heard about Karlie’s cousin who’d gone to prison for insider trading. Not that I’d hold that against her.

Or him for that matter.

I’d done stupid things to be accepted—validated. My father had forced me under the knife and I rather imagined the pressure that we all felt from our families was much the same. Didn’t make it any easier, though.

“Don’t fall asleep, or I might think you care.”

“I do care, Gavin.”

He rolled on his side and looked at me, obviously waiting for me to quantify that statement.

“We’re friends now, right? I care about my friends.” Yeah, some friend I was, here with the guy I knew Rosa wanted.

I deserved every bad thing that could happen to me.

“We’re friends.” He nodded.

I kept waiting for him to say something kitschy, like friends with benefits or something else that would crack the somber silence that had fallen over us, but he didn’t.