“Why’s he here?” Brigid asked, her dark eyes narrowing
at Christopher napping on the sofa.
Jesse was glad she’d at least kept her voice down.
Christopher was exhausted after his difficult Thanksgiving day and the late
night they’d spent talking and fucking. Will, however, was banging up the
stairs to play Wii, oblivious to the sleeper on the couch. Still, Chris
slumbered on. Jesse thought he must have really worn Christopher out if he was
able to sleep through that.
“He has the day off,” Jesse said. “Smoky Mountain Dreams is
closed for the weekend.” The park only closed eight days a year: the four-day
weekend around Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and
January first. It was open every other holiday, even Easter.
“Shouldn’t he be with his own family?”
Jesse wondered how she’d react to the truth. Had he raised
an empathetic child? Or would she selfishly not care? “His family disowned him;
told him not to come back.”
She blinked. “Why? What did he do?”
Jesse looked at her and simplified it for Brigid. “He told
them he’s gay.”
Her mouth opened in a round O and her eyes bugged out. “That’s
mean.”
“It is, isn’t it?” Jesse ran his hands over Brigid’s hair,
feeling the gloss of it slip through his fingers. “I asked him to spend the
weekend with us.”
“The whole weekend?”
“Yes.”
Her sympathy seemed to fade at that. She grit her jaw and
glared up at Jesse.
“I expect you to be polite. You don’t have to like him, but…”
he sighed and rubbed his fingers over his tired eyes. “It would help if you
did.”
Brigid snorted softly. “That’s what Grandma said.”
“She did?”
Brigid nodded. “She said I should be nice to him because he
makes you happy.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “But what if you could
be happy with someone else? What if Mom wakes up and you could be happy with
her again?”
Jesse’s throat clenched and he put his arm around Brigid and
tried to pull her close, but she shrugged away. He glanced toward Christopher
on the sofa and tugged her hand until she followed him into the kitchen.
“Brigid, sit at the table with me.”
She looked like she might refuse, but then she sat, her
hands going to the pile of square paper at the corner of the table and pulling
a sheet off the top. Before she could begin to fold, Jesse put his hand on
hers.
“Stop. I need you to listen to me.”
Brigid didn’t let go of the paper, her fingers running along
the edge, as though daring it to cut her. Jesse gently took it away and set it
aside. “B, this is serious. I need you to look at my face and really hear what
I’m saying, all right?”
Brigid nodded, but her jaw clenched again, and Jesse could
see the resistance in the set of her shoulders and the anger in her eyes.
“Baby, your mom is never coming back. She isn’t going to
wake up. Not ever.”
“I know. You’ve said that before,” Brigid gritted out. “But
miracles happen, don’t they? Aunt Ronnie says they do.”
“Ronnie talked to you about this?”
Brigid shrugged and looked down at her fingers. “No. She
just hugs me and says I look like Mom, and then she cries. She doesn’t talk to
me about…why you two fight.” Brigid met his eyes then. “But I’m not stupid, you
know. I know it’s because Aunt Ronnie won’t let Mom die and you want her dead.”
Jesse felt the words like a punch to the throat and he
couldn’t swallow, couldn’t breathe for a long minute. Finally, when he’d gasped
through the pain, he managed to say, “No, Brigid. No. I
don’t
want your mother dead. I’d do
anything
to have her
back again.”
“Then why is
he
here?”
Jesse shook his head, pressing the heels of his hands to his
eyes, thoughts swimming wildly. “Let’s not talk about Christopher for a minute,
okay? Let’s focus on your mom first.”
Brigid stared at him, defiance in her eyes. “I want to talk
about him!” she exclaimed. “I want to know the truth. If Mom came back, would
he go away? Would you want to be boyfriends with him still?”
“Yes,” Jesse whispered. “I’d want to be with Christopher.”
“See? You
do
want her dead.
Because of
him
.”
“
No
.” Jesse shook his head. “No,
because it’s not either-or, Brigid. If your mother hadn’t been in an
accident…listen, this isn’t an appropriate conversation because it’s about what
could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, and none of that matters because there is only
what is. Your mommy isn’t coming home, baby. She’s not, and we all have to move
on.”
“I’m going to make her come home.”
Jesse ached. “You can’t do anything to help your mother get
better. No one can. I had the best doctors from all over the world come look at
her. Grandpa Birch flew them in from Europe. I’ve seen the scans myself. Sweet
baby girl, you have to understand—”
“I don’t need doctors. I have my wish. Two wishes. One for
me and one for Will.” Her eyes narrowed on him again, her lip trembling. “I was
going to make one for you, but you don’t want it.”
“Wishes?” Jesse remembered Christopher asking what Brigid
was wishing for, and suddenly, clarity fell on him like a ray of light breaking
through a mass of clouds.
The cranes.
“Brigid, wishes can’t…they won’t…”
“They’ll work. But you have to mean them.
Really
mean them,” Brigid said with a steady gaze.
“Baby, if that was true, she’d be well now. I’ve meant every
wish and prayer I’ve offered up. I’ve meant them with all my heart, and I know
you have too. And Grandma and Grandpa. Even Aunt Ronnie.”
“No, because you don’t love her now. You love him more, don’t
you?”
“There is no ‘more’ here, Brigid. There’s just…reality. Your
mother’s brain is gone. There is nothing there to make her who she was before.”
“You gave up on her. In the book, Sadako didn’t give up. She
made cranes until she went into a coma and died. If she’d finished them, maybe
she would’ve been healed.”
Jesse stared at his daughter. She was too old for this kind
of magical thinking, wasn’t she? Still, she seemed to believe that she held the
answer to her mother’s sickness in her hands.
The door to the kitchen creaked, and Jesse looked up to see
Christopher, face creased by the sofa pillow, and an expression of stricken
sadness on his face.
“Hey,” he murmured. “I’m sorry to interrupt—”
“This is important,” Jesse said. “I’m sorry, but could you
wait in the living room?”
“I…” Christopher looked embarrassed, but he continued. “I
overheard some of what you guys are saying, and I know it’s not my place…”
Jesse stared at him and almost agreed, but before he could,
Christopher went on.
“But I just need to say this. Brigid, I’m so sorry about
your mom and I know how much you want her back.”
She glared at him. “No you don’t. If she comes back, then
you won’t have Daddy anymore.”
Christopher swallowed hard. “I don’t believe in a lot of
things, but I believe in your dad, and I believe in love, and I believe that
when you love someone you give them the benefit of the doubt. Do you know what
that means?”
Brigid stared with something like shock in her eyes, like
she couldn’t decide if she wanted to tell him to get out or wanted to hear what
he would say next. Christopher didn’t give her a chance to answer.
“In this case, I think it means that if the person you love
says they need to do something to heal, then you find a way to help them do it.
Even if it doesn’t make sense to you. So, if you need to make these cranes,
Brigid, then I want to move heaven and earth to make sure you get them made so
you can try for your wish.”
“Why?” she whispered.
“Because it’s what you need. And if I’m going to be with
your daddy, then one of the most important things in my life will be making
sure that you and Will get what you need.”
“Need is when you’ll die without it. Want is when you just
want something but you won’t die.”
“Well, it seems to me like part of you died when your mama
left, and if you believe that making these cranes and trying for your wish will
bring that part of you back to life, then I want to help.”
“Chris,” Jesse murmured, his throat dry. “Promises are
dangerous things.”
“I’m not promising that it will work, Jesse. I’m promising
to help her try.” He turned back to Brigid. “So, I’ll tell you what: I’ll work
with you on the cranes if you’d like. I’ll go into it with my heart set on you
getting what you need most. I believe you’ll get what you need, even if it’s
not what you want.”
Brigid looked between Christopher and Jesse like she didn’t
know what to say.
Christopher added, “In other words, I’ll do whatever I can
to help you. If you want me to help you fold cranes, I will. If you want me to
go away, I’ll do that too.”
Jesse shook his head at that, but Christopher talked on.
“But before you decide, I want you to know that I’m very
good at cranes and I’d truly like to help.”
Brigid stared at him. “I don’t have very many left. I can do
them myself.”
Christopher nodded. “Okay.”
“But you’d help me? Even though if she comes back, you’d
have to go away?”
Jesse heard the words and it hurt his heart in so many ways,
and recognized, yet again, that his daughter was emotionally so much younger
than her peers.
“I wouldn’t have to go away. I’d love to meet her and tell
her what a lucky woman she is to have a kid like you. And one like Will. And I’d
love to find out all kinds of things about her, like how she laughs and what
she thinks is funny. I’d love to know those things about the woman your dad
loved.”
“I don’t remember her laugh anymore,” Brigid whispered.
Jesse’s heart twisted, and he wanted to tug her into his
lap, though she had gotten so tall, and never let her go. But he waited.
Christopher crossed sat down next to Brigid. “I wish we
could learn it together. I wish I could get to know her. I’d want her to like
me since I like your dad and he likes me, and Will’s super cool, probably the
coolest boy I know. And you…well, hopefully you’ll like me eventually when I
show you that I’m serious about how much I want you to be happy.”
Jesse’s throat was tight and he tried to catch Christopher’s
gaze, but Christopher seemed to only have eyes for Brigid.
“But, I have to be honest, Brigid,” Christopher whispered. “I’m
not promising this will work out the way you want. As much as I’d like to know
these things about your mom, I don’t really believe I’ll ever get that chance.
But I’m promising that, if you want, I’ll help you complete your goal. And, if
you want, your dad and I will be there when you fold the last crane to help you
decide just what you want to do.” Christopher touched Brigid’s hand and she
pulled away. “You don’t have to do this alone. We support you, Brigid. Even if
life experience tells us that miracles are few and very far between.”
Jesse slid his hand across the table and placed one on top
of Brigid’s. His chest ached and tears filled his eyes. He wasn’t sure
Christopher was doing the right thing, but Brigid was softening to him, and his
heart was in the right place. It was good to have another person here with him,
helping him navigate this situation with Brigid. Another hand on the wheel to
steady things or bring them about in a different direction.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Brigid whispered. “I spit
in your ice cream float.”
“You did. It definitely made me sad, but it also told me a
lot about you. Like that you’re brave and determined and willing to pull out
the stops to get what you want or need. It told me that you’re loyal to your
dad and brother—that you want to protect them and yourself from being hurt
again. Even if it means you getting in trouble to do it. And now that we know
about the reason for your cranes and your wishes, I know how strong you are;
how devoted and faithful. You’re a powerhouse, Brigid, and you’ll grow up to be
one heck of woman with all that strength driving you.”
“I was just trying to make you go away.” She seemed
unconvinced of Christopher’s assessment of her, but her eyes looked hopeful,
like she wanted it to be true.
“I know. But I’m pretty loyal and faithful too, and I think
that if you give me a chance we can be a good team. Did your dad tell you why I’m
here this weekend?”
Brigid nodded, her brow furrowing.
“I was disowned by my mother—kicked out of her house, and
told not to come back. And I guess I’m figuring out something that I never
really knew before, Brigid. Can I tell you?”
“Yes.”
Jesse held his breath. His hand was still on Brigid’s, and
he didn’t move a muscle.
“My mom? She’s gone too,” Christopher said. “Not just
because of what happened yesterday. She’s been gone a long, long, long time. I
lost her when I was just a kid. Like you. So I know the kind of bargains a
little boy will make to keep his mama in his life. The kinds of desperate
things a child will do and accept if only for the hope that she’ll come back.”
Jesse’s nostrils flared, fresh anger at Christopher’s mother
burning in his gut.
“I’m a grownup now, Brigid.” His eyes were full of empathy.
Brigid’s were wide as she studied him, obviously trying to measure his
sincerity, and her immaturity shone though, too. Jesse wondered what all the
loss of her mother had cost her. He knew some kids grew up too fast after a
trauma, and some, like Brigid, stunted.
“And the thing is I can’t continue to make those bargains.
They aren’t healthy. I guess I want to help your dad hold your hand through
this bargain you’re trying to make in hopes that it might be the last one for
you. In hopes that you won’t be twenty-eight years old and still trying to find
a way to get your mama back.” He bit his lip. “I want to help you say goodbye.
Maybe you can show me how it works so I can say goodbye too.”