So Many Reasons Why (18 page)

“You know then?” I asked. He and Cass exchanged a look.

“Yeah we know. That's why we are here. When Simon is not
here, we will be here. You won’t be alone.” I sighed, realising just how much I
didn’t want this. Something clicked over in my brain. At that point I think I
realised I didn't want to be any more of a prisoner than I already was. Were
people going to shadow me, day and night?

“Guys. I appreciate your concern, really I do. But I don't
want to be suffocated.” Oops, I could tell my Cass's expression she was hurt by
my words. “Let me try to explain. Yes, I had a panic attack last night, but who
wouldn't? Now that I have calmed down, and I can think clearly, it's
ridiculous. All of it.” I threw my hands up.

Two very confused faces peered down at me. This wasn't going
to plan. If I couldn't convince these two, what hope in hell did I have of
convincing my mom? And Simon?

“Derek is not out on a holiday.” I stated. “He is out
permanently. Forever. Are you guys going to shadow me for the next sixty years?
And the likelihood of him coming after me? I mean come on. Am I living in an
episode of
Criminal Minds
?” Neither
of them looked convinced, but I could see I was starting to get through to
them.

“Cass, you've said to me I need to get out of the house, and
why? Because I cannot control what might happen.” I glanced at Tom. “You've
said the same thing. And you were right. You're both right.” I walked over to
the window. It was very overcast, the streets deserted. “If this is my life, I
might as well die.” Cass gasped and raced over to me.

“Don't you even joke about that!”

“Who's joking?” I replied, stretching out my arms behind my
back. I paced the length of the window. “What's the point? If I am moving
backwards instead of forward, what’s the point? I can't control what happens to
me. I mean for fucks sake, if he really wanted to get to me, he could, no
matter how much protection I have.”

Neither Tom, nor Cass spoke. Neither was ready to agree, but
neither could argue with my logic. We all knew it was true.

“Simon won’t allow this you know.”

I laughed humorously.  “That's why I am not going to
tell him. As far as he knows, when he is not here, one of you two are, okay?”
Cass opened her mouth, then shut it. She shrugged her shoulders. “Same goes for
my parents.” I warned. Tom cursed.

“This is bullshit. Have you stopped to think how we would
feel if something happened and we weren't here to help?

“Have you considered how I would feel if something happened
to you because of me?” I shot back.

“Fine. Okay.” He relented. His shoulders slumped forward, a
strand of his hair falling over his right eye. I glanced at Cass who was
staring at him. I smiled in spite of myself.

“Something funny?” Tom raised his eyes. I shook my head.

“Nope, nothing at all. Now, I love you two, but can you
please get out of my apartment. Go and get a drink together.” I pushed them
both toward the door, not taking no for an answer. Cass glared at me, annoyed
at the drink suggestion. “Just go. Call me tomorrow.”

I shut the door on them before they could respond.

Dr Mellow sat on my couch drinking a coffee. Someone had
felt the need to organise a last minute appointment, and it wasn’t me. My money
was on mom. Or maybe Simon. Not that I really cared. I wasn’t in the mood to be
talking about Derek.

“Emma?” I glanced up from my thoughts, embarrassed that I
had completely missed his question. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel okay, considering. Last night I was a mess, but I’ve
thought about it, and I’ve had time to digest things now. I’m not going to let
him run my life.” Doctor Mellow raised his eyebrows.

“How are you going to stop him? Isn’t he already running
your life?” He raised his cup to his mouth. That was true. Derek did run my
life, as he had for the last ten years.

“I’m working on it. I can answer the door without feeling
like I’m going to pass out.” I smiled mischievously. “I had sex on the balcony
last week.” Seeing Doctor Mellow blush made me giggle.

“I guess that is progress, Emma.” Doctor Mellow said dryly.
He looked thoughtful. “This boyfriend of yours. He seems to be helping you get
yourself back.” It was true. I’d changed so much since meeting Simon.

“He does help me. But it’s more than that. I think I am
finally beginning to get that things will happen regardless of whether I lock
myself away. Staying in this house doesn’t make me immune from pain. Or hurt.”
I wiped away a stray tear. “Knowing this is one thing though. Implementing it
is a whole other story.”

Doctor Mellow patted me on the back. “You’ll get there
Emma.”

I waited a good ten minutes before opening the front door. I
wouldn't have put it past them to set up camp outside my front door. I'm sure
the neighbours would have loved that. I focused on the wallpaper in the
hallway. I was safe. I could do this. I needed to do this. Gingerly, I stepped
out of the comfort of my home. I left the door open. I felt better knowing the
door was open and ready for me. My heart was racing. I thought of Simon, and
how much faith he had in me. In his eyes, I was everything. 

“Come on Em, deep breaths.” I pushed myself to take the next
step. I was clutching onto the wall frame, but it didn't matter.

I was outside of my home, by myself. I focused on the
elevator. Exactly eleven steps away. I concentrated on my breathing and took
another step. I tried to block all the negative thoughts trying to bang their
way into my head. I took a third step. I was struggling to breathe. My airway
felt narrower than a straw. If I didn't calm down, I was going to pass out.

 I steadied myself against the wall, and turned back
toward my apartment. I crawled along the wall, on the verge of
hyperventilating.
Stop it Em. Focus on
taking each step. You can do this.

My inner voice was working overtime with the encouragement.
I made it back into the apartment. My back pushed against the door, closing it
with force. My fingers struggled to with the locks, they were shaking so much.

But it didn't matter. I'd done it. I'd taken the first
step.  The first three steps in fact. Next time it would be more. I was so
proud of myself. At that moment, I felt like nothing could drag me down. I felt
like the woman Simon saw me as.

I pressed my head against the door.

“Em? It’s me.” Simon's voice filtered through the door as he
pounded on it. Hard. I wondered which of my so called friends had jumped on the
phone first. My money was on Cass.

Bitch.

“Change your tone, or piss off.” I grumbled. He was angry. I
let out a breath and stood up. If he'd come only a few minutes earlier, he
would have caught me outside. I rolled my eyes. Caught me outside? What was I, five?
I leaned on the door, waiting for him to reply.

“Come on babe, let me in.” His voice softened. Grudgingly, I
opened the door.  He handed me one of the two coffees he juggled, and
threw a bag on the bench. I headed straight for the bag.

“Donuts?” I said hopefully

“Bagels.” He replied dryly. “You don't deserve donuts.”

“Yeah?” I challenged, a mouth full of bagel “What are you
going to do, spank me?”

“Don't tempt me, I am so annoyed right now. And worried.” He
looked up at me. He wasn't that annoyed, I could see that. He was worried
though. Worried enough to leave work to bring me coffee and bagels. But not
worried enough for donuts apparently. I sighed. Even though I'd known this was
coming, it annoyed me how suffocating everyone was becoming.

“Simon. I am only going to say this once. I don't want
constant protection. This guy will be out permanently. I will not live any more
isolated than I already do.” I decided not to mention my little outing. Somehow
I didn't think he'd be as impressed as I was.

“Yeah, he'll be out until he does it again.” Simon muttered
under his breath.

“What was that?” My voice was sharp. “Are you
trying
to make me break down?” I threw my hands up in the air. I turned and leaned
against the marble bench top.

“For fucks sake Emma, do you know how many times I see this?
I would bet my life on this guy re-offending within a month.”

“Gee way to make a girl feel better.” The cup I'd been
rolling in my hands fell to the ground, saved only by the red shaggy rug Cass
had brought me as a housewarming present last year. I bent down to retrieve it.

“Please. For me. At least have the squad car out the front.
Please.” He was almost begging. I began to relent. He was scaring me, with all
his knowledge.  If recidivism rates were that high, maybe a car out front
would be a good idea.

Stubborn Emma didn't want to give in though.

“No.” I argued. “Why should-”

The sound of the home phone ringing scared the shit out of
me. I couldn't remember the last time it had rung. Everyone just used my
mobile. I felt that pit of anxiety fill my stomach. Simon reached for the
phone, sensing my discomfort. I quickly checked my mobile. No messages.

“Hello?” I watched Simon's features change almost instantly.
“Who is this?” He asked harshly.

“No, you listen to me. You print that, you will have a law
suit on your hands. No. No comment.”

“What?” I asked as Simon slammed the phone down and then
ripped it out of the socket. Finally, he threw it against the wall. I had never
seen him so angry. He threw his hands up, resting them behind his head,
muttering obscenities under his breath.

“Please Simon. You're scaring me.” He looked back at me, as
if just remembering I was there. He walked over, hugging me close. I pushed him
away. “Simon. Tell me.”

“That was the New York Post.” He sighed. “They are running a
story tomorrow about the Assistant DA slash professor having an affair with a
student.” He shook his head savagely. “Apparently we are front page news.”

The story in the post coincided with a brief article on the
release of Derek Moosly
.
The release of a child rapist was not as
newsworthy as this scandal, apparently. The only saving grace was that nobody
had connected the dots about my past. That would have been too much.

The story was bad. Really bad. I was mentioned by name, as
was Simon. My nerves were shot. It was bad enough that all my family would
know. The thought of
him
knowing made me feel sick. He knew where to
find me, and intimate details of my life. I was struggling to imagine how
things could possibly get any worse.

“Hi.” My voice was sympathetic. He would only ring this
early if he'd seen the paper too.

“Have you read it?” His voice was dead. Void of anger,
anxiety or any other emotion. He sounded like he had been through the ringer
and lost. He sounded like he had given up. The thought of losing him was too
much to bear. I could feel the tears beginning their downward trek.

“I've read it.” He sighed. “So has the DA. I have a meeting
in half an hour. The university has suspended me. I guess I deserve that though.”
He laughed harshly.

“I'm so sorry, Simon.” If he'd only stayed the hell away
from me, none of this would be happening.

“Hey. Don't you dare blame yourself. You are the best thing that
has happened to me in a long time. I knew the repercussions before we got into
this.” His voice grew soft.

“What if…” I didn't want to say it. “What if your boss asks
you to end it with me?” I spoke in a small voice.

“I wouldn't do it. I can get another job. You and Maddie
first. Always.” He said it so simply. “I love my job, but I love you more.” He
paused. “I'd walk away from everything before I'd walk away from you.”

“Simon, if they tell you to cool it off, just for a while,
do it, okay?” There was a long silence. I wasn't sure if he had heard me.
“Simon?”

“I heard you.” He said harshly. “And no, they can fuck off
if they think they can run my life.”

“I get it Simon, I really do, but I don't want to be the
reason you gave up what you loved doing. Especially if it was only a short term
thing. I know we could get through a short break apart. I know us. I love you”
The truth was, I was terrified he would one day wake up hating me. Maybe not
consciously, but I'd be the reason he gave up his life.

And what if I couldn't handle this? I was messed up. Who
knew if that would be too much for either of us in a few years?

“I will think about it and see what they say.” He relented,
yawning. He sounded severely sleep deprived. This was going to be one hell of a
day for him. I pulled the curtain back slightly on the front window. I widened
my eyes.

“Shit Simon, there must be ten or more reporters outside my
apartment block.” I gasped.

“I thought there might be. I have been dodging them all
morning. And its only 10:30.” he added. “Listen, don't let anyone in today, not
without them calling you first. I'd tell you not to go out either, but I know
there is no chance of that.” He chuckled, which made me smile. I loved it when
he laughed. Even if it was at my expense.

“Simon.” My voice trembled at the mention of his name. “Do
you think the story...Do you think he read it? And recognised me?” Simon didn't
answer for what felt like an eternity.

“He might have.” I bit my lip. Shit, now I felt worse. Was
it too late to ask for the 24 hour suffocation?

“Em, if the guy was planning on targeting you, this would've
made no difference. And if he wasn't planning on targeting you, this article
certainly wouldn't change his mind.” As logical as that sounded, I couldn't
help but feel he was just saying that to make me feel better.

“Look Em, I have to go. I will call as soon as I can. Get
Cass or Tom over there now.”

While I waited for Cass to return my call, I checked my
email. Wow. She had replied. I hadn’t expected an answer at all, let alone so
quickly. Suddenly I felt nervous, and I couldn’t explain why. I barely knew my
aunt, yet something about the circumstances surrounding her and my father’s
loss of communication made me feel uneasy. I clicked on the email.