#SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business (2 page)

College Audition Coaches

When I was auditioning for school, my audition coach
was a mirror and an audio recorder. I had no idea there were hundreds of theatrical
professionals out there making tens of dollars coaching high school students
how to win a lottery. Thanks a lot, Mom! Had I known, maybe I would have
brought a repertoire book, styled wardrobe, and slick demeanor to my auditions
instead of the vocal selections from
Side Show
, a wink, and a prayer.

The two most popular go-to’s for college audition
coaching are Musical Theatre College Auditions (MTCA) and Mary Anna Dennard
(MOO).
 MTCA was founded by Ellen
Lettrich and boasts a boatload of coaches you may or may not recognize, and
Mary Anna Dennard runs her business rogue because her nickname is MOO and I
have yet to find out why. The obvious cow connotations came to mind but a
simple Google image search will inform you that she is not at all overweight
and happens to be a MILF (Musically Informed Lovely Female).

MTCA employs over thirty talented and successful
performers whose passion is coaching the next crop of hopefuls that will
eventually rise up and take their mentors’ future jobs. You see, everything
exists together in a delicate balance. As a Broadway performer, we need to
understand to respect all the creatures, from the high school fan to the
non-equity. When we get older, our careers become the grass, and the youth eat
the grass. And so we are all connected in the great
Circle of Life.

Mary Anna Dennard (MOO) is from Dallas, Texas and has
so many close connections with several different theatre schools that she
actually hosts her own unified auditions for her students.  Of the
fourteen schools that attend her MOO-nifieds (I swear to God, I did not make
that shit up. That’s actually what they call it), only a handful of them come
from states that do not smoke ribs, pulled pork, or brisket at the Big Apple
Barbecue in Madison Square Park every June. I mean, these are some t-bone-tastic
schools, and while I’ll get to Texas State University’s inevitable
Karen-Cartwright-rise-to-conservatory-crown-jewel-status in a moment, the
states represented at the MOO-nifieds are giving me a better idea as to why Mary
Anna Dennard is nicknamed MOO (because she’s literally surrounded by cattle!).

Do I recommend an audition coach? I’m not going to
tell you what to do with your parents’ money. Kids have been getting into
college without a coach for years. But like, I want you to consider one thing
– just how much of a #hotmess are you? Do you audition with
Wicked
?
#hotmess
.
Is your headshot your senior portrait? #hotmess. Do you think
the word “slate” is just the name of an online magazine dedicated to politics,
technology, business, and the arts? #hotmess.

I was such a #hotmess, I didn’t even know Carnegie
Mellon had a reputable program until like my second semester of college. How
could I have noticed wallflower CMU when Michigan was YouTube seducing me with
Edges
and
The Battery’s Down
? That’s why it’s extremely important to
research every option available. Now, I know what you’re thinking…

There. Are. So. Many. Schools!!!

There are over fifty-five separate MT programs with
their own forum on College Confidential and I think there are around
forty-seven different acting studios at NYU alone. Before you start deciding
which school to apply to, make a choice between majoring in musical theatre or what
people call “straight acting,” where you only do “straight plays.” Straight acting
majors are referred to as such because the gay/straight ratio in a straight
play’s cast typically tends to tip unusually straight. Find the major that #werks
for you and choose wisely!

Needless to say, senior year of high school for a kid
who wants to sing, dance, and act blows, and that’s really saying something
considering you’ve already completed three years of high school being the kid
who wants to sing, dance, and act. While all your friends are simply sending
out essays, applications, and test scores, you’re doing all of that plus flying
to exotic cities like Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, and San Marcos, Texas to present
roughly six minutes of material in the hopes of gaining admittance into an
establishment that will provide you with the training you need to reach the
impossible dream of becoming a serious actor on the Great White Way, in
Sesame
Street Live
, or at Ellen’s Stardust Diner. In addition to all of this stress
weighing heavily on your shoulders, you’re missing the Winter Formal!

 I hope you don’t get too concerned with which
school might be the right one for you. Instead, I suggest looking through a
stack of Playbills to see where everyone got their education and apply to the
ten or twelve that pop up the most. Or, if you happen to be making a choir trip
to NYC, stalk your favorite performers at the stage door and personally ask
them where you should go to school – because they may think where they
went was shit. Also, research the top casting directors and see where they went
and go there, too. Actually, if you want to be really ahead of everyone else
your age, you should research where the current casting
interns
went to
school.

For purposes of this book, each school discussed will
be broken up into its own section and put to task with the same questions. Here
is a breakdown of how I will analyze each of the separate BFA programs…

[ INSERT THEATRE SCHOOL ]

What is [Theatre School]’s Nickname?

Some programs have a nickname that is popular to use and
I will also include other nicknames for the school that I’ve heard. I swear I
did not come up with the lesser-known nicknames. #honest. #winkyface.

How Smart Do I Have to Be to Attend [Theatre School]?

Schools will consider your GPA and the following standardized
tests: SAT, SAT II, ACT, and SAT III: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. The mere
mention of standardized tests is such a friendly reminder to me that there were
responsibilities during my teenage years outside the International Thespian
Society and finding a way to talk myself into a varsity letterman jacket for
Bye
Bye Birdie
.

My first introduction to the intimidating evaluation
process invented to judge how good one is at taking tests, known as the SAT
(Scholastic Assessment Test), came during a rerun of a show that people who
were born before 1990 actually used to watch live. That show was
Saved by
the Bell
. In one particular episode, Bayside High junior, Zack Morris, and
his five friends received their SAT scores. This was back in the archaic days
when the SAT was graded up to 1600 instead of the current 2400. The original
Saved
by the Bell
class scored in the following order of highest to lowest: Zack
– 1502, Screech – 1220, Jessie – 1205, Lisa – 1140,
Kelly – 1100, and Slater – 1050.

I’m not going to confuse you with crazy words like
“25
^th
percentile” and “Phi Beta Kappa,” because I’m too lazy to Google
“percentile,” and the only thing I know about “Phi Beta Kappa” involves Mrs. Phi-Beta-Kappa-Peterson.
Instead, I am going to rank the SAT qualifications for each school on a scale
of Slater to Zack.

How Many Weeks on Broadway Will My Education from [Theatre
School] Cost?

Until September 29
^th
, 2014, the Production
Contract minimum will be $1,807. I’d like to put into perspective how many
weeks an actor will have to work under a Production Contract
minimum
to
pay back four years of education at each school. In an effort to omit the
obvious grey areas, this estimate will not deduct 10% agent fees, 2% union dues,
and 80% for taxes. The number of weeks noted will be based on the theory you
banked the entire $1,807 and funneled it right back to your alma mater, instead
of to your living expenses and day drinking. So… it might be safe to triple the
number of weeks listed that you’ll need to work – and just so you know, I
mean “work” with an “O.” It will not be WERK. Working off your student loans
will be ball-busting-bloody-sweaty-guilt-like-when-you-wake-up-next-to-someone-and-think-whatthefuck-did-I-do-with-my-life
WORK. #YAYBROADWAY!

What Did You Learn About [Theatre School]?

I have not visited all of these schools. I can’t even
remember which ones I auditioned for when I was applying for college. I’m not
even sure if I have a friend from each school that I researched. Actually, I
know that’s true because my friends are pretty much made up from a Michigan/CCM/CMU
ratio of 50/30/20. For me to get a good feel for what each program has to
offer, I spent countless minutes on each school’s website. This was exciting,
because in some cases I was given a truly unbiased first impression! I will
make sure to share with you what I have learned about each school through the rumor
mill and from the story they told me on their website. I’ll give you a preview:
Every school loves them some #angstybeltface and I’ve yet to find one that
hasn’t chosen to showcase pictures from their production of
Musical Where
the Girls Wear Prairie Boots
.

What is the Audition Process at [Theatre School] Like?

Some schools have so many students clamoring for
admission that they actually need to prescreen everyone before granting an
official audition. This isn’t the type of prescreen some of us are used to now.
(The one where some casting associate’s second assistant gets to feel super
cool for the afternoon.) This particular prescreen requires the student to
video tape themselves singing, acting, and #gasp: DANCING.

Once you are granted a coveted LIVE audition, the
real shit show starts. Unifieds! Campus visits! Other kids’ parents! In this
section, I will breakdown what I have learned about each school’s particular
audition process. If they have a prescreen, I will note it. If there is an
ethically questionable “how-to audition” pamphlet, you’re going to hear about
it. If a school grants you a callback by leading you through secret
Wonderland-esque doors, or cuts you by launching you down the Veruca Salt “bad
egg” garbage shoot thingy, I’ll let you know!

What Are My Odds of Getting Into [Theatre School]?

Anywhere from seven hundred to like a billion eager
high school students audition for theatre school every year, but it appears
that the average accepted class size in any given program is around twenty-five.
That’s a lot of tears and broken dreams. Thank goodness there’s always AMDA!

In this section, I will also explain what kind of
performer for which I think each school is looking. This is a highly educated
opinion that I am confident talking about because I know nobody else in the
world has the free time in their life to scour YouTube for freshmen showcases. I
only #werk 24 hours a week and that leaves me 144 hours to work.

Who Are the Notable Alumni from [Theatre School]?

Every school has at least one and if you think I’m
just going to casually list their names then you know nothing about me.

THE SCHOOLS!!!

I have chosen six schools whose programs will be
dissected and ranked in no particular order: Carnegie Mellon University,
Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Music, Boston Conservatory, New York
University, Texas State University, and University of Michigan.

CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY: SCHOOL OF DRAMA

What is Carnegie Mellon’s Nickname?

CMU: Our Students Don’t Know What An EPA Is.

How Smart Do I Have to Be to Attend CMU?

Screech at the very least. If you rock your audition,
I’m sure they’d take you if you’re a Slater. But like, you really have to rock
that audition and not just wear cut off sleeves.

How Many Weeks on Broadway Will My Education from CMU
Cost?

132 weeks
.
That’s about 2.5 years in
Mamma
Mia
or 132 productions of
Glory Days
.

What Did You Learn About CMU?

These bitches love multi-tiered cubes in their set
designs and real grass and plants on stage. They also feature two separate
downloadable PDFs entitled “Five Facts About the Acting Program” and “Five
Facts About the Music Theatre Program.” I found these very helpful because they
really pinpointed the differences between both programs. For example, the
acting brochure was orange and the music theatre one was purple. According to
the brochure, that is the only difference between the two programs, so I guess
I’d go with orange.

The undergraduate acting/music theatre page is broken
down into four main sections. “What You Will Learn” describes each of your four
years by using the word “rigorous” more than once, along with, “discipline,”
“foundation,” “sophisticated,” “verbally-complex,” and “student-directed”
(#eek!). “What Opportunities Await” explains the senior showcase and a theatre
festival but doesn’t really go into detail about hangovers, herpes, or the walk
of shame. “What You Will Become” is one of two pages that pimps out CMU’s
prestigious graduates. This one leads with naming alumni Ted Danson, because
everybody in the high school graduating class of 2013 was OBSESSED with
Cheers
.
Finally, we have “Who You’ll Work With,” which lists the faculty. The only name
you’ll need to memorize is theatre department head, Barbara Mackenzie-Wood
(BMW). If you don’t get passed all the way to BMW at your audition you might as
well just give up on life.